I am not sure how to write this blog post. There is just too much to write. So, I will give an introduction today to my heart the things the Lord is doing in my life.
It is coming on the third anniversary of my friend Roxanne's death. I can't believe that it has been three years. And what a three years it has been.
I lost a very close friend. I had two more miscarriages (for a total of three) and then I was blessed with a beautiful, healthy son, who was welcomed by his older brother, Carter, in 2009. Oh, and I stopped believing in God.
What? How could I stop believing in God. Well, I stopped believing in His goodness. I stopped believing that He was good and that He was for me. Instead, I decided to believe in fear. I accepted fear into my life and into my heart and into my mind. It was a gradual process that led me to being controlled by fear and anxiety. It led to a slippery slope of bondage that felt like I would never be able to climb out.
They say hindsight is 20/20 and as I look back on the last three years I can see the gradual pull away from God and towards fear. As someone close to me recently said, "the devil was having a heyday with you!". And that was true. It was definitely a gradual process but it doesn't matter how gradual it was because it sucked the life out of me altogether. In the end, there was nothing left but fear, anger and anxiety. And an unbelief in God.
Thankfully, the Lord put some really wonderful people in my life and I finally reached for help, only to learn that God had not changed at all, but I had. He was still good, faithful and true. What I was choosing to believe in, the fear, anxiety and depression, was not.
There was definitely a lot of confession involved in returning to a trust in Christ, and it didn't happen overnight. I had to allow the Lord back in my heart. I had built a wall and gradually I allowed Him back in until I couldn't stand it any longer. I had to give him every piece of my broken heart and trust Him with it. Trust Him with my husband and my boys, who aren't even mine to begin with.
I had to choose to believe. And I choose to believe every day.
Thank you father for this journey. It has been painful and I know we have a long way to go, but you are GOOD. You did not give me a spirit of bondage again to fear but a spirit of adoption where I cry out, ABBA FATHER!!! I don't want to be double minded, and that is what fear is. The only thing I want to fear is YOU, but a holy, humble fear in you, not a scary fear like you are out to get me (in case that is what some people who read this think I am writing about). A godly fear where I humble myself before you and accept EVERYTHING that you give me as working toward my good.
Thank you father for restoration and for never letting me go. Thank you for the gift of Roxanne and how precious she was in my life. I pray she is taking care of my babies in heaven, finally being a mom since she never got to be one here on earth. And thank YOU for taking care of everything on this earth so that I don't have to!! Amen.