tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-373291392024-02-20T20:45:28.214-08:00REFLECTIONS OF A MOMContents of this blog are copyrightedAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.comBlogger253125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-15781641420127321962016-03-11T13:00:00.000-08:002016-03-11T13:00:34.854-08:00This Is It!Well, the time has come to announce some big changes around the blog.<br />
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Last you heard I was headed for a writer's conference in November......I've left you hanging, I know.<br />
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I had a lot of thinking to do.<br />
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Life also got in the way, as it normally does.<br />
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I decided to close my practice after two years being completely on my own (a total of 6 years, including 4 years as an Independent Contractor at other agencies). This decision did not come easily, but it did become clear to me in many ways that it was time. I'm hoping to spend more time with my family and be more available if/when family/parent health issues arise. 2015 was a roller coaster of health issues in the family, and quite honestly, for some, those health issues will not resolve.<br />
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As much as I enjoy my work, and especially helping people, unless I worked MORE hours, it just wasn't that profitable to continue working part-time. And I don't want to work full time....so. Therein lies the rub. Plus, having to keep afternoon appointments meant arranging for child pick-up from school and/or child care after school. That meant there was one or two afternoons I wasn't around to keep Carter on a steady routine for doing his homework, which is needed with his ADHD (and mine!). Routines and structure are very important to an ADHD household, and it just added unnecessary stress to the family, my coming and going and coming and going. It added stress to me. Combine that with my dad's chronic illness, the fact that he lives almost 3 hours away.... yeah, stress.<br />
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It became clear to me to simplify.<br />
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So that's what I am doing. Simplify. Breath. Exhale.<br />
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Also, I want to write more. And I want direction in my writing and I knew things on my blog were changing, but until I went to the conference in Atlanta, I hadn't really faced the fact that Reflections of a Mom was most likely coming to an end and there would be a brand new beginning with a brand new blog.<br />
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And that's where I am still working on things. What am I going to write about on this new blog? I have shared a lot of my weight loss/challenges journey on this blog. I haven't even begun writing about my faith issues and struggles and the journey I am on with that. I am sure there will be a little parenting mixed in, because, it's a huge part of my life. But, I need to know who my audience is and work through all of that.<br />
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So, with closing my practice, living life, going through the holidays and managing a family and all the other stressors life brings, I have waited until my practice is closed to give a couple of weeks thought on where I am going.<br />
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I am going to give myself a deadline because if I don't my sweet ADHD will procrastinate and it will be another two months before I present the new blog. So, April 30th, 2016 it is. That's my deadline for having my new website/blog LIVE. Even though I am not seeing clients anymore, I still have a lot of paperwork to close out my practice properly. Administrative stuff I don't really enjoy but must be done.<br />
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Exciting things happening. Thanks for sticking around to read what's going on in our part of the world.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-72093560933359006242015-10-18T16:03:00.000-07:002015-10-18T16:03:13.959-07:00In Two Weeks...I have signed up for something that has me scared to death. And that is supposed to mean I am doing something good. But I'm scared. And excited. And terrified. And, well, you get the picture.<br />
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I have signed up for a writer's boot camp in Atlanta, Georgia, led by one of my favorite authors, Margaret Feinberg.<br />
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Her pup Hershey is going to be there too.<br />
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I'm pretty excited about that. I mean, who wouldn't be?<br />
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I have pretty much read anything Margaret has written and have heard her speak as often as I have been able to. I've even reviewed a couple of her books on my blog. I first heard of Writer's Boot camp a couple of years ago but it was in Colorado and well...Tennessee just isn't that close to Colorado. Plus all of Margaret's boot camp's sell out, usually within the first 24-48 hours. One time I missed it simply because I took too long to decide if I was going to do it and so I just kept watching the site until, BAM! It was too late.<br />
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This time, I heard about the writer's boot camp early, and I also learned that it was in Atlanta, GA. A mere FOUR hours from me.<br />
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Still, I almost waited too late. My fear and insecurities almost got the best of me.<br />
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A lot of people have told me I should write a book. My husband has believed for years that this is my calling. Me, not so much. Even though the desire is in there, the belief in myself and, quite honestly, the hard work that goes into writing a book, has kept me from moving forward. Plus, there is that whole marriage, family, raising kids, running a part-time private practice, yada, yada, yada.... in other words, LIFE.<br />
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But, quoting the late, great John Lennon, "life is what happens when you're making other plans".<br />
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My main reason for sharing this is to please pray for me. Send happy thoughts. I am my own worst enemy. I am going to this conference for me, because I felt it was something I was being called to do. However, I don't want my nervousness or fear and insecurities to take away from something that could be so great. I have done that too much in the past, and that's one of the main reasons I went for this. When it was time to sign up I had convinced myself that since I wasn't close to writing a book, interested in getting published (at least anytime soon) and that the other writer's there would be soooo much better than me I should just put this idea out of my head. And I almost did.<br />
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Thankfully, I decided to be brave.<br />
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I don't have to have even have an idea of what book I want to write, or even an outline to participate in this conference. There may be people there who do, but it's OK that I don't.<br />
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Just because other writers that come to this conference may be close to publishing doesn't mean that I have to be. I'm going there for me.<br />
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I don't have to be the best writer at this conference. I just need to be me. I'm pretty awesome.<br />
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I write a blog. It has a small audience. I try to write authentically. When I opened up last year about healing from past shame, I don't know how many people commented or came up to me and said what I wrote made a difference for them. Sharing about my food issues resonated with people, even people who I'm pretty sure weren't suffering from food issues. We all have some sort of hang-up. We don't come out of life unscathed. We all have experienced pain as well as happiness. We've had trials and struggles. We know what it means to experience intimacy and joy. Writing real and authentically, no matter what the subject, hits people to the core. I know it does the same for me. Nothing I've written has come close to going viral, and honestly, that's not why I write. Writing is very healing for me and that's the main reason I do it.<br />
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Every time I get freaked out about going to this conference, I try to remember the reasons that made me sign up. I had to stop thinking and comparing myself to the strangers and fellow writers attending this conference. I'm not them. I'm me. And I'm pretty awesome. And I'm supposed to go to this and get out of it what <i style="font-weight: bold;">I </i>am supposed to get out of it, not what anyone else is supposed to get out of it.<br />
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That is why I am sharing this with you guys. My small audience. Think of me on November 2-4th. I'm going to be trying not to freak out in Atlanta. Oh, and pray that I am normal around Margaret. I tend to freak out around anyone remotely famous or who I look up to, and well, I'd really like the chance of authentic relationship this weekend, with everyone. Being closed off to others is a way I build walls around myself. And being able to be real and be myself is really more important than anything I learn about writing at this conference. Yeah. There's that. I'm a hot mess. And I want to be brave enough to continue to be my hot mess of a person, regardless of what happens or who is at this conference. It's going to be OK. Whew.<br />
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Thanks!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-35120409392441035342015-09-27T08:13:00.001-07:002015-09-27T08:13:11.146-07:00Update on My DadI know I shared several weeks ago regarding my dad's health and I am happy to report that, after many tests, he does not have cancer. Because he is on dialysis, his health over all is compromised, which made the testing tricky. But the doctor feels 95% sure that the mass in his lung is not malignant.<br />
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Just felt like I left you guys hanging with all that intense reflection. It was a big relief to get the news that he is going to be OK.<br />
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During all of this I was talking about my dad, a lot. In front of my kids. People would ask how my dad was doing, etc. This did not get past my nine year old and he finally asked what was going on with Papa...<br />
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Thankfully, when this conversation went down we were pretty sure that dad wasn't seriously sick. But I explained dialysis and I explained the tests because there was a spot on Papa's lung. I spent more time explaining how Papa's kidneys don't work any more and how dialysis cleanses his system out. When my dad was in the hospital I was honest with both my boys that I was going to see Papa and that Papa was sick. My oldest said, "I don't want Papa to die". I replied, "Honey, I don't either. Papa is sick, and he is in the hospital but he is not about to die".<br />
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Carter repeated that statement when I was explaining dad's chronic illness a couple of weeks ago. It just tugs at my heart in such a way that it is so difficult to explain. I want to spare my 9 year old pain, but I want him to know the truth. I want him to know that he can get the truth from me. That I'm not going to overly protect him from life.<br />
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I am so not the perfect parent and I could list over and over again the times that I failed my children; but speaking to them honestly about life will always happen. And I hope and pray ( and communicate this often) that they can know I will always tell them the truth. It will be age appropriate, but it will be the truth. And sometimes it's really hard, but that's when I know I am doing something right.<br />
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What about you?? If you have kids have you had any tough conversations lately? What about uncomfortable (sex) talks?? That seems to trip a lot of parents up... "Uhhhhhhhhhh".<br />
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I feel just as strongly about proper sex education as I do about telling the truth in other life issues. I've written before about talking to kids about sex so I won't repeat myself but, the take away is this.<br />
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Even with the most difficult, uncomfortable conversations, your kids deserve the truth. You can even give yourself time and say, "I know this conversation is important to you, and I want to give it the full attention it deserves, can we talk about it later?" And even saying, "Can we talk about this another time" is OK too. Even if you stumble and change the subject, you can always, always go back and say, "You remember that question you asked...I'd like to answer it now."<br />
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So go forth and TALK. Honestly and openly with your kids. <br />
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Our kids can handle the truth.<br />
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You can do it!<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-51768405535763522492015-08-23T13:06:00.000-07:002015-08-23T13:06:07.387-07:00Rebellion and the Games They PlayThis summer I have had the awesome opportunity to lead some ladies from our church through a book called Journey to Healthy Living written by Scott Reall. It's not really a diet "how-to" book. It's more of a "this is what society says and does and this is how we have reacted to it" regarding weight, body image and self-esteem.<br />
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I have felt really stuck in my journey for some time and it has occurred to me that, internally, I have put a lot of pressure on myself, and in turn feel less-than because, you know, I haven't lost any weight. And even though I have told people I am still working on getting normal with food after a lifetime of abnormal, and that losing weight has not been my goal, for now, I have inadvertently allowed negative thoughts in regarding this very personal battle.<br />
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I liken it to the little voices in our heads that are so quiet we don't even know what they are saying, we are so used to the negativity that we don't recognize the lies they are telling. No one did this to me, I did it to myself. Pressure. Expectations. What are they thinking about me???<br />
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Bottom line, this is a huge, enormous struggle. Both inside and out. And I'm still in the middle of it. And I allowed myself to think that "others" were thinking I should be further along than I was. That there should be some visible evidence of this change. Emotional change cannot be seen. And I've tried changing all the outside things (restriction, dieting, monitoring, food logging, etc.) that I almost had to just lay all of that down for a while and just live. Just be normal with food.<br />
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This past week specifically, I read two of Geneen Roth's blog posts about eating. If you aren't familiar with Geneen Roth, she is a pioneer in mindful eating. You know, not restricting what you eat but dealing mindfully with the why behind why we eat the way that we do. She wrote an amazing book, among many others, entitled "Women, God and Food". I highly recommend it.<br />
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Anyway, I posted Geneen's thoughts on our Journey to Healthy Living group because they just resonated with me and I didn't know if they would resonate with others, too.<br />
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The first one was about treating ourselves with tenderness regardless of how much we weigh. I know five years ago I was in such a place of really hating myself. I was depressed, I felt alone, ugly, and thought the only way out was to have a medical intervention, and even though it was not as drastic as it could have been, it was a big deal. And I lost weight. I thought that once the weight came off I could deal with all the rest of the junk but, until then I would just be sad, depressed, anxious, fat and unable to change. I was unable to change on my own.There. That would do it.<br />
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Well....here I am 5 years later weighing about the same I did before the medical intervention. 20 pounds less, to be accurate. And I also know that you can't hate yourself into positive change. I lost a lot of weight, but the intervention I chose was not enough to keep the weight off forever. Initially the weight returned because I started overeating and abusing food 6 months in. I had no clue that I was sabotaging myself. I lost 70 pounds in the first year. But as suddenly as I started losing weight, the weight loss stopped. I didn't gain but I wasn't losing anymore.<br />
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The last three years have simply been me gaining weight back slowly. I got into therapy to figure out what in the world was going on. I knew something wasn't right.It was then I learned of all the shame, guilt, depression and even a little ( a lot of) hate I had poured on myself through the years because I struggled with my weight.<br />
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The past two years in therapy have been a journey of struggle. Struggle to want to lose weight, but to also be free from the power of food in my life. And so, even though there will be moments like last year when I was really trying to just eat clean, eat mindfully and be free and it would work for a little while....invariably I go stop and go back to weighing the same.<br />
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As frustrating as it is to still be fat, to have no outside change in my body for at least a year, their have been triumphs in my life unseen. Unseen by others, but I am still trying to drink them in. One is the freedom with food. I have always a grazer. So not grazing all day is a huge accomplishment that needs to be recognized. Being able to look at food with neutrality and not in the context of being bad or good. Being able to know that I can enjoy a bite or two of something and thoroughly savor it and enjoy it and then be satisfied is a huge accomplishment. Even indulging in eating dessert first and being OK with that is an accomplishment.<br />
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Or eating a candy bar in front of others. I did that last weekend and I did not feel one bit of shame or guilt. I was hungry, I didn't want to wait and order food from the late menu at the hotel so I grabbed a candy bar. And it was good. And I enjoyed it. And the women I was with at this conference have loved me enough where I am that I didn't feel one sense of judgement from them or me. Heck, I'm not even sure anyone of them even noticed what I was eating. It seems permissive and counter-intuitive to losing weight when you just eat whatever, but it was a process that I had to come to and go through. And one day in the future I will be able to apply what I have learned when I get to the point that I love myself enough to start making more disciplined choices.<br />
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That's why Geneen's second post especially resonated with me. Here is a <u><a href="http://geneenroth.com/2014/07/31/the-constant-food-critic/" target="_blank">LINK</a> </u> to her complete blog post, but the part that resonated with me was the fact that she stopped dieting. It's how she ended her struggle. It's how my therapist talks about ending the struggle with food. It just seems.....well, counter-intuitive to eat a brownie and ice cream for dinner (as she mentions in the beginning of her post).<br />
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Here's the part I loved and needed to hear:<br />
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<i>My response is always the same: Once we are adults, it is not anyone’s job but our own to monitor what goes into our mouths. It’s not that nutritional and medical information is not necessary or helpful; it is. It’s not that loving friends and family are not necessary and helpful; they are. But when it gets down to the particular foods you choose to eat on a given day, you are the boss.</i></div>
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<i>Why? Two reasons. The first is that unless you begin claiming that right for yourself, you will spend your life eating cottage cheese in front of people who think you should be eating cottage cheese, and brownies and ice cream when you are alone. You will spend your life as a child who is either obeying authority or rebelling against it, never taking the power that is yours.</i></div>
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<i>The second reason is that as loving as any intention from a caring friend or family member may be, it is misguided. When someone else comments on what you eat or how much you weigh, it evokes shame, and after working with tens of thousands of people over the years, I can say with absolute certainty that shame does not ever, under any circumstance, lead to long-lasting change. Shame only leads to more shame, more hiding, more sneaking, more bingeing.</i></div>
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I have spent a lot of my adulthood rebelling against authority in the eating department. And it all started in my adolescence. And even though I knew in my head I was really only hurting myself, it was a difficult cycle to stop, and still is. I still rebel. So, as much as I would love to have lost weight by now, if I am going to make lasting, permanent change, I have to give myself time. And be okay with that time. And to acknowledge where I have come from and where I am going and the small, wonderful changes that I have made the last two years.<br />
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And it's also OK to acknowledge that you need help. That you might need more help. My metabolism is pretty much ruined over the weight loss and regain game I have played the last 10 years. I'm not getting any younger and neither is my metabolism. That can be extremely frustrating, especially when attempting to eat in moderation and you feel you are, yet you can't lose weight that way. It's a real bummer.<br />
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I would love to be like Geneen and lose the weight in a year and never look back (she had 50 pounds to lose). But, I'm not. And I'm not going to shame myself into thinking I need to be in a different place.<br />
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Each time I try to speed up this process I am met with my own resistance and subsequent failure or setback. The only difference is now I don't condemn myself or shame and hate myself. I just try to love myself, be understanding and keep going.<br />
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This is a little insight into my personal journey. Why this is so hard. Why I would love to be wearing a size or two smaller, but to recognize that I <i>am</i> several "sizes" smaller in the emotional healing part of this journey. And that is just as awesome. And it's important to recognize and accept that this is just part of the journey, I can attempt to avoid it, go around it, starve it, monitor it....whatever....but I want lasting change. And Rome wasn't built in a day, as they say...so, here's to one more day. One more change. One more step in the right direction.<br />
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I raise my glass to me...and to you.<br />
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Let's just celebrate the journey. (even writing that is hard!!!)<br />
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OK, let's recognize it's a journey and as long as I (we) keep going we are moving in the right direction.<br />
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Cheers!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-16876705230339009992015-07-29T11:44:00.002-07:002015-07-29T11:44:57.929-07:00Just A Little Update on Us....We have had a laid back summer. We started out with vacation in Hilton Head Island, SC. We thoroughly enjoyed our time there, but we agreed that it's just not that easy to get there and if we are going to the beach in the future we will stick with the Gulf. I have only been working one or two days a week and have thoroughly enjoyed my time at home with the boys. It's great that they are getting older and more independent.<br />
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The boys have (sort of) practiced math and reading over the summer, especially Carter. He needs to master his multiplication tables so we have worked quite diligently on that. We had a summer reading chart that was going really well, then life happened and even though Carter reads everyday and both boys are read to every night, I haven't been keeping track quite as well. We have had frequent trips to the Adventure Science Center, Circus World, playgrounds and the pool. The boys are finishing up swimming lessons and I am hoping Carter is not far away from being able to pass the swim test at the Y.<br />
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It's hard to believe that I will soon have a 4th grader and a Kindergartner. Yikes!<br />
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My weight loss journey has been pretty much stuck since my last updates. It doesn't mean I haven't been working on stuff, just trying to take the steps forward to health. Life keeps getting in the way, as it always does, but by no means does it mean my desire to be healthy has waned. I have a great trainer that I meed with twice a week, I am still in counseling (although not as frequent), I have been doing a summer group with some gals from church going through a great healthy body image study. I am also considering my options for getting healthy for good. Since I have been working on this for so long, and I don't want to give up, AND I want permanent change, I am looking at all my options.<br />
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Sadly, everything hasn't been smooth sailing this summer. My dad has chronic health issues and this is his second year on dialysis. He's been doing well with that and is looking forward to switching to home dialysis soon. My step-mom had a major health scare in January and had major surgery and spent 10 days in the ICU. My sister and I were at the hospital with dad as much as possible. Thankfully, Linda has made a full recovery. During that time, dad had been diagnosed with pneumonia and the doctor's thought a spot on his lung may be cancerous. Thankfully, with treatment, the spot on his lung shrunk and the doctors felt that there was no cancer. All that was going on while Linda was in the hospital.<br />
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Fast forward to summer and my dad ended up in the hospital after an outpatient procedure preparing him for home dialysis. It was scary because they found spots on each of his kidneys, he had every kind of scan and test and after his second day in the hospital with more tests, I drove to Chattanooga to see what was up. Thankfully, the doctor's felt like the spots on his kidneys are cysts and not cancer. Dad was released a few days later and I decided to visit him at home last weekend to see for myself how he was doing.<br />
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Unfortunately, they had gotten some pretty disturbing news at the doctor's office that day. The spot in daddy's lung has more than doubled. Worst case scenario, it is cancerous and it may have spread to his kidneys. Best case scenario would be pneumonia again. Since I wasn't at the doctor with them I really don't know what was going on, but Linda said that the doctor's face and expressions were quite serious. They removed fluid from my dad's lung and sent it off to be biopsied.<br />
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That was Friday. Today is Wednesday and we still haven't heard anything. So, I'm sitting here, waiting to hear back from my dad to see if he has cancer.<br />
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Kind of puts a negative turn on summer, huh?<br />
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I don't know if the scenarios in my head are worse than reality right now, but I don't think my body knows the difference. I can only imagine what dad is feeling. And Linda. At this point, I just want to know. Whatever it is we are dealing with, knowing would be better than the imagining the worst. Plus, we can have a plan.<br />
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It just stinks that I am sitting here, waiting to see if my dad has cancer, which would most likely be terminal.<br />
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So, I decided to share the journey we have come so far. Even if dad doesn't have cancer (and we are diligently praying he doesn't) his health isn't going to improve over time, unfortunately.<br />
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That means my sister and I are dealing with end of life issues with my dad, and that means frequent travel to and from East Tennessee and, in general, just worrying about what is coming next and praying for the best.<br />
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So, it's been hard and stressful. Not nearly as much for us as for my dad, but stressful nonetheless. Do we get dad and Linda to move here? Do they stay close to three hours away? How do we handle frequent hospitalization, and other aging parent issues. Linda is still recovering from a quadruple bypass that came with serious complications leaving her weak. Can she care for dad 24/7? How will we know when she can't. They are adults, completely independent, and have their full faculties....the decisions are in their hands.<br />
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So, I figured it was time to write, since writing helps me get stuff out. It also brings in prayer and support from others, and I feel that is needed too. Too long we carry the load and burden all alone and we are so much better working as a team, asking for help, even if that help is nothing more than prayer. But how are going to know what to pray for if we don't share the struggles we are going through.<br />
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So, I am sure there will be more updates, more writing and we appreciate even more prayers.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-19553779237296246012015-02-13T08:27:00.000-08:002015-02-13T08:27:20.663-08:00Not Just Another Sappy Love Song...I know the last few blogs have been full of heavy stuff. An inside to the shame and guilt I've carried throughout out all these years. Today, I wanted to share the picture of love. Redeeming love. I've been working on this blog post for several weeks, and I guess it seems appropriate to finally come all together the day before Valentine's Day.<br />
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I have been struggling with my weight for, well, as long as I can remember. I pretty much internalized everything growing up, in regards to negative comments, joking, whatever, regarding my weight. And there was a lot of focus on it. From my parents, extended family and the school and church environment in which I was raised. There were a lot of people who didn't say anything negative about my weight, and attempted to be neutral and supportive, but from 8th grade on, I felt immense pressure (from my family especially), to lose weight. And the tag line always added on for losing the weight was that I was too pretty to be overweight. Often, even with innocent comments in regards to noticing something about my weight, I internalized things very negatively. I own that.<br />
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Add to that a very strict, religious environment where you grow up with the same people at church and at school, and where most outside extra-curricular activities are discouraged and well, you grow up in a fish bowl, a very unhealthy fish bowl.<br />
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If you had asked me in my 20's if God had a plan for my life and He was protecting me and guiding me, I would have likely said "No". However, I knew deep down that all the messed up stuff I grew up in had nothing to do with the true God. I don't know how I knew that, but even with seeing other people deeply hurt by the church I grew up in, something deep inside me said "this isn't God doing this stuff". Thankfully, God placed in my life, at that time, people who were pivotal in strengthening me and giving me a different perspective. But, I admit that I was hot mess. I was also young, still growing up. I was socially awkward and trying to find my way and I guess my 20's were about survival. And I am very thankful for the people who were my friends and continue to love me through my messes. And some of those include a couple of the other kids who grew up in that religious fish bowl. So, there is always good. Always. In every situation.<br />
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Flash forward to turning 30 and having a decade of growing up, influential (God-placed) people in my life, and I am now in graduate school and living in Nashville. God had placed in my life great friends, a wonderful church, but there was still the struggle, the self-hate, disgust at myself for gaining so much weight. Low self-esteem. Ugh. I remember so well.<br />
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I spent a lot of time stating I was OK and didn't need anybody while desperately crying out for love. I kept people out. I built walls. I can see clearly now it was all a front, and that's why I always, always stepped back into bondage. Even spiritual bondage. The stage was set. It was perfect. I was reaching for freedom, this strong person on the outside. But that hurting person on the inside was clinging to what I knew. What was comfortable. What I knew seemed so much better and easier. I wasn't ready to fully embrace love.<br />
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There was a breaking point right after I turned 30 and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I experienced spiritual freedom, healing and restoration and it was just me and God. I was ready to walk away from church and God altogether because I just wasn't going to do the walk anymore when I didn't feel anything. It made me question so much and because of that it led me to a deeper relationship with Christ.<br />
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All of this is leading to something. Something good. Now, I know this was part of God's plan. At the time, I didn't. Even though I had gained healing and self-confidence, I wasn't a total hot mess anymore, but I was still a mess.<br />
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We are all a mess, if we admit it. It's just better when we get to the point of admitting our shortcomings, admitting our need. This is where the healing begins.<br />
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During this time I lost a lot of weight. Because the weight loss program I was involved in was at church and tied to my spiritual freedom, I didn't realize that I was tying my self-esteem and acceptance into my relationship to God. Which, on the outside, seems great, but what I didn't realize was that I was returning to the good/bad belief system instead of freedom in Christ.<br />
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And as long as I was successful at losing the weight, then I must have been close to God AND successful, beautiful, fulfilled....blah, blah, blah. The principles of this study were good. But, for me, I tied it to my "obedience" and when I gained the weight back I thought God must be mad at me because I chose food over Him. Before I gained all the weight back, I finally felt beautiful. I felt accepted. I felt loved. AND I WASN'T EVEN SKINNY! Damn it! I've never been "skinny", in all my attempts at weight loss. I admit I am a little bitter, because I have worked HARD and never tasted complete "success". But even still needing to lose the last 40 pounds, I felt so much better about myself. At the time I didn't fully recognize what great work I had done. I just kept thinking about how much more I needed to lose. I wasn't accepting any of it. And really, that's why the weight loss didn't stick.<br />
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It would be YEARS before I realized how poisonous I had allowed this program to affect my relationship with God. I tied my self-esteem and worth into my success. And the religious program encouraged this. If you were seeing results it meant you were relying on God. If you died to self enough, then you would be free. I had no idea something founded in TRUTH could screw me up even more, but it did. I just didn't realize it until years later.<br />
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During this time I met this guy named Greg. And even though the lies were and are still in my head, Greg has repeatedly loved them out of hiding and brought them to light. The lies disappear with him. We dated for two years and were married in 2003. I was still a hot mess. And I am so thankful that even in our hot mess God can bless us abundantly more than we could ever imagine.<br />
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As much as I always wanted a relationship, if I had met Greg any earlier, it wouldn't have turned out the way that it did. And, if I had allowed the second best in, when I was struggling to find myself in my twenties, I might have settled for something much, much less. So yeah, God has a plan. It's a wonderful mystery and it keeps me believing how BIG God actually is. Because other's stories don't quite add up to the love story I have been given. It serves as a reminder, a humbling, constant reminder that God did have a plan and even through all the teenage angst and pain, I am loved. Which is what God has been trying to convince me of since day one.<br />
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<i> Celebrating 11 years of marriage with this guy...</i><br />
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Before we were married I had gained all of my weight back. Greg still loved me. I questioned him. He just didn't see the fat. He saw me. And he has always just seen me. Always. He believes I am beautiful, nothing added or taken away like I like to do. Through the years there has been weight loss successes followed by the shameful regain.</div>
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The thing is I was always loved and always had the ability to receive love. I just didn't. And even though the last 14 years with my husband (11, almost 12 years married) has shown me what true, unconditional love looks like, I continue to fight to believe it. The shame dies hard. But, I am finally winning the battle. By understanding that nobody loves me like Jesus and that He wants me to love me like He does. And Jesus blessed me with this great guy who loves me just. the. way. that. I. am. And Greg has continually been Jesus to me, showing me how He loves me. Over and over again.<br />
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Through every weight loss, gain, program, counseling, medical intervention, he has been there. Supporting me. Being my cheerleader, not my enabler. And never, not once, EVER has he thrown my weight regain in my face. He's never said, "should you be eating that?" He's never been angry at me because of my weight loss failures. He's just been there. Constantly loving me the best way a human can love another human being. And God has reminded me many times, "this is the picture I want you to see. This is a picture of HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU....when are you going to get it? How loudly do I have to broadcast it. How low do I have to whisper this truth?<br />
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To end this post, I am reminded of the very popular John Legend song. Here is the chorus:<br />
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<span style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start;">'Cause all of me</span><br style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start;" /><span style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start;">Loves all of you</span><br style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start;" /><span style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start;">Love your curves and all your edges</span><br style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start;" /><span style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start;">All your perfect imperfections</span><br style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start;" /><span style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start;">Give your all to me</span><br style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start;" /><span style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start;">I'll give my all to you</span><br style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start;" /><span style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start;">You're my end and my beginning</span><br style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start;" /><span style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start;">Even when I lose I'm winning</span><br style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start;" /><span style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start;">Cause I give you all of me</span><br style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start;" /><span style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; text-align: start;">And you give me all of you, oh...</span></div>
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It's absolutely amazing. Greg loves all my curves and all my edges. Always has, and I hope always will. He gets extra points for always saying I'm not difficult to live with (yeah, right).<br />
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This is as sappy as I get, but I hope it has a much deeper message to you that resonates long past Valentine's Day. YOU ARE LOVED. Period.<br />
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Happy Valentine's Day, babe.<br />
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I love you, Greg Mayo!<br />
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Thank you for loving me!<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-26917097189611896712015-01-27T09:09:00.001-08:002015-03-09T11:56:49.161-07:00Cheers!Today I had to try on dresses for an upcoming wedding in a few days. As I lugged the dresses into the dressing room I told myself not to get depressed if clothes didn't fit. Kind of a mini pep talk to prepare me for what was coming.<br>
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All in all, it went well. Some dresses were too small, some fit, and the sizes were varied so all in all a typical trying on session that most people would experience. I even found a cute dress with a shrug and it was on sale. Score!<br>
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*sigh*<br>
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I didn't really register a change in my overall mood until I went to pick the kids up at the sitter. I had worked today and been away from the boys all day yet, my nerves seemed to already be running thin with them and I had just picked them up. The bad mood continued after we got home. It took a while for me to figure out I was sad. I was feeling upset about trying on dresses and how I looked in them. The fact that the dress I ended up with was a size 24. The fact that I have several dresses in my closet, and some of them may have fit, I didn't try them on yet, but the one I wanted to try on in my closet wouldn't fit because it was a size 18. I wore it to a fancy wedding in 2007 when I was a lot thinner.<br>
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My mood progressively got worse. I was snappy with my kids. Angry at my husband. And just plain sad. I didn't really connect my sadness about my weight and the dresses with why I was so upset until we sat down for dinner and I realized I was just tired. Tired of everything. Tired of preparing meals, listening to kids whine, the routine. I was unhappy. Deep down inside I was tired of the weight. Tired of losing weight only to gain it back. Tired of feeling like a failure. Tired of wearing a stupid size 22/24. I have been in and out of a 22/24 my entire adult life. I'm sick of it. Tired of thinking that even if lose the weight again, statistics show that I have a 95% chance of regain. And Lord knows, I know something about regain already.<br>
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It's times like this, when I think that losing weight for good is impossible that I feel the lowest. I wish I could just make it go away. But that's not going to happen. I have to walk through this road. I have to lose every pound, walk through all the emotional garbage, and get through it.<br>
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The only thing is I don't have to do it alone. But inside my head I was alone. And the task was insurmountable. That's why I felt so sad. So unhappy. Overwhelmed.<br>
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So after the boys left the dinner table I told Greg what I was feeling. And I started to cry; surprised at the emotional-ness of it all. He asked if I wanted to talk about it and I shook my head no. But the sadness I felt was deep.<br>
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Eventually I was able to share how I was feeling with Greg. He opened the door, I just had to pick when I wanted to walk through.<br>
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What I have learned in therapy is that I am unhappy on the inside. And no amount of losing weight on the outside is going to make me happy. It's just a whole lot easier to focus on what I<i> can</i> see and be unhappy about it than what I can't see. When I was younger I turned the unhappiness on myself. As a teenager I remember writing horrible things about myself. I would turn all my unhappiness on myself.<br>
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Now I know I am supposed to be kind to myself. Love myself. Not criticize myself. Not rip every part of my body that I despise. I'm not supposed to despise my body, I am supposed to be thankful for everything it has done for me. I'm not supposed to tear myself down. And that's hard. It's a lot easier to focus on what I <i>see</i> and is <i>tangible</i> ... like FAT....and focus hate on that rather than owning feelings and emotions.<br>
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See, everybody gets tired. Everybody gets worn down. That's why you need a support system. That's why we don't do it alone. This blog helps too. I share my feelings and I am way more transparent online than I am in person. It still shocks me when people talk to me about the blog and I go, 'oh yeah, I said that. Oops!". LOL!<br>
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Step by step I am getting there. It's a process. Recognizing that I struggle with depression and anxiety and have to work on those issues constantly rather than focusing on something negative I can see and not deal with the pain. I also have ADHD, and I know a lot of people say they are ADD or ADHD, but for reals, I have been diagnosed and with it a plethora of feelings around low self-esteem, failure, forgetfulness, guilt and shame come from experiences with that too.<br>
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And for the first time I am facing them. So I get sad. Add to it life's little stressors (that are also tremendous blessings) and it can be overwhelming. But, face them, I do. And this was one of those days.<br>
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I had a visual reminder of why I am unhappy and it led to deeper revelation about what I am truly unhappy about and even though I can't change this phase of life I am in, I know I won't be here forever and dealing with it now brings healing, so that next time, I can move a few steps closer to health.<br>
<br>If you struggle with anything significantly, I'm sure you've figured out that the path to healing is anything but linear. It's does not have a beginning and an end. I've figured out that healing is ongoing and sometimes messy and hard. It's a journey, not a destination. <div><br></div><div>Here's to one step closer to healing. <br>
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<br></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-26548551894041306672015-01-20T17:03:00.001-08:002015-01-20T17:04:04.647-08:00Love Every Inch!Today I met a medicine ball during my workout. My trainer introduced us and he said some interesting words. He said I could use the medicine ball to get rid of pent up anger and frustration. I was instantly intrigued.<br />
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My trainer went on to explain today I was going to be throwing the ball at the wall. I could picture him there if I wanted (not a chance) or if I was angry at someone or something I could picture it there and work out my frustrations. I thought that was an awesome idea.</div>
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Since I have so much anger/shame that has turned inward, I can be kind of intense sometimes. I am well aware of it, have been told that, and have wanted to change that for sometime. Until I realized that I had the power to release all this shame myself, I had no real way of dealing with this deep seated anger. I had no idea that it was my shame that was causing most of the anger and reactiveness. It has been very eye opening and healing to understand where the brunt of this firestorm comes from.</div>
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My anger comes out in many ways, but the most frustrating way for me that it comes out is anger or aggravation at the people I love. I used to bottle of my feelings so much and it would build and build and build that I would take it out on random people. This mainly happened when I was single and didn't have a lot of coping skills yet, plus I didn't have a significant other to project those reactive feelings upon. My immediate family felt the brunt of it during that time, for sure. Ugh, what a mess when I think about it.<br />
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Now, I feel my kids get the brunt of my frustration and I really don't like it. It's something I desperately want to change, yet, seem to struggle with each month. While I can see much progress and offer myself grace time upon time again and always apologize to my kids when I am being reactive, it still hurts and I worry the affect it will have on my kids. Maybe some of this resonates with you. My hope in sharing my story is ultimately to help others. Maybe seeing how my anger presents, you can take a deeper look at your own insides and reflect on how to best deal with whatever baggage you have left.</div>
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Anyway, getting back to the medicine ball and my workout.... When I was throwing the ball at the wall I pictured the word SHAME. I thought about the ugliness of it, the years of pent up anger and frustration and I thought about freedom from it. How it no longer has a place inside. The shame needs to get out.<br />
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Needless to say, this was very liberating since I am really not angry at people, even people in my past that have hurt me. I've dealt with it and processed it and feel I have healed from it. It was liberating to realize that *I* can own my fear, frustration, shame, embarrassment, negativity. Nobody does those things to me anymore but I turned them so much inside over the years and had such negative talk about myself that it is literally taking YEARS to undo all that damage. I am just at the beginning. 2014 was like an epiphany for me. I have held on to so much negativity in the midst of overcoming a lot of obstacles. I didn't see it. It's like I was working at so hard at succeeding and overcoming that I missed healing the deep, deep insides of me.<br />
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I focused so much on the outside, losing weight (then gaining it back), and placed my happiness meter on what I looked like on the outside that I didn't see the hot mess on the inside, even though I knew, deep down, that it was there. When I gained weight I had deeply depressed feelings and I cannot even begin to tell you what I thought of myself. It all goes back to all the negativity during my adolescence and really never getting over that. Instead of being angry at other people I blamed myself and hated myself and all of that hatred turned inward and was unprocessed because even though I eventually forgave everyone else I never forgave myself. Enter SHAME.<br />
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I have no idea if this is making any sense, but the point of all this is that I am OK. I am better than OK. I have overcome a lot. I have healed a lot. But my focus has been misguided all these years because I never got past hating my adolescent self and anytime I lost weight I liked myself better, and tied my feelings about myself and my self-esteem to what was seen on the outside. With all the weight I have lost I have regained so........ So you can see that if I focus on that alone that no wonder I have felt like a total failure for the last 30 years, even though I have accomplished much.<br />
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If I am not happy on the inside, no matter what I look like on the outside, I'm still not going to be happy. I have to understand why I am unhappy to begin with.<br />
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That means I have to feel feelings. Yuck.<br />
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Not really yuck, but unfortunately, I can either feel my feelings or drown them in something else and I'm kind of tired of drowning them. I'm tired of being reactive and angry. I'm tired of feeling shame over something I don't need to feel shame about. I want to understand and overcome this process.<br />
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So throwing that medicine ball at the wall was quite therapeutic. I need to focus my anger and frustrations in other areas, not myself. Exercise is a great way to do that!<br />
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It's time to love. It's time to take care of myself. And it's time to thank this body that I have been given and fall in love with every. last. inch.<br />
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Because when I do that, I am not going to be able to tear myself down ever again.<br />
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Whew. Lots to chew on.<br />
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Take today and love on yourself. All of you. Every last inch. Thank your body for everything it has endured. Don't hate it. Start to embrace it. I say start because it is definitely a process.<br />
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The cellulite on your butt....love it.<br />
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Saggy arms....love it<br />
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Saggy boobs......what have those boobs done...I have to remember that I fed 2 babies from those boobs. Pretty awesome. Love it.<br />
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The butt and thighs with cellulite on it? Well, they may have very well carried children for 9 months. Love it.<br />
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Stretch marks...try growing a 8 pound human inside your tummy and see what happens. Love it.<br />
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Think about it.<br />
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A process well worth following through on.<br />
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What is a part of your body that you literally hate? My task to you today is to find how that body part has gotten you through this life. Supported you. Never let you down.<br />
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Think about it and let me know what you come up with!<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-28695330760114987312015-01-12T19:34:00.001-08:002015-01-12T19:34:30.007-08:00Fight Back With Joy - a ReviewI have had the privilege of reading Margaret Feinberg's new book, Fight Back with Joy. I am excited to share my review with you, but more importantly, I'm excited to share one of my favorite authors and speakers with you!<br />
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Last year, Margaret was diagnosed with breast cancer and embarked on a journey of diagnosis, surgery, treatments and much more, as she describes in her new book, Fight Back With Joy.<br />
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I have talked about Margaret on my blog before. Everything that I read of hers is just <i>fresh</i> to me. I've grown up on a lot of wonderful, godly women and their bible studies, but there is something about the way that Margaret writes and speaks that just reaches me. Hearing her share stories from the Bible always brings with it a new perspective.<br />
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This book was so refreshing because even though Margaret was sharing her private story, it wasn't every gory detail about her cancer diagnosis. Margaret used humor as only Margaret does, telling her story and how early on she and Leif made a commitment to face the future with JOY, no matter what. Margaret only gave glimpses to the gravity she might possibly be facing with her diagnosis. However, she shared plenty in the book about the her and Leif's fears, the surgery and subsequent treatments and how each of their relationships with Christ was strengthened through this process. Margaret is real about the ups and downs, the trials and strains on friendships. She discusses how she processed her feelings and how in every way she turned to God as much as possible for Him to guide her and for Him to be the gauge for how she should be reacting to things. I was very impressed with how she dealt with and handled her journey.<br />
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Intertwined in each chapter is a connection to a story in the bible. Something that helped her through a difficult time, something she felt would help deepen the story of each chapter.</div>
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Along with Margaret's journey, there is Leif's journey, the caregiver. At the end of the book there is a wonderful reference section that helps people going through the cancer journey to make their load lighter or a little clearer. Leif even gives some tip and suggestions on being a caregiver but also knowing how to take care of yourself so you can be the caregiver.<br />
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This book is an easy read, written in Margaret's down to earth musings about God and life and of course, JOY.<br />
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This book is for anyone affected by cancer or not. It is encouraging, insightful and helpful. It is also inspiring to see someones journey and commitment to look at a cancer diagnosis square in the face and trust God in those circumstances.....no matter what.</div>
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Check out <span id="goog_507793017"></span><a href="http://vimeo.com/114263834" target="_blank">THIS</a> <span id="goog_507793018"></span>promo video to hear more from Margaret about the book! There is also a fabulous Bible study that you can order and this video gives you a peek inside the Bible study!</div>
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I hope I've given you a glimpse into a book that will make it on your must read for 2015. If you've never read anything by Margaret, then definitely start with Fight Back With Joy....and then ask me for my other favorites!<br />
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Click on the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1617950890/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1617950890&linkCode=as2&tag=jonatha05-20&linkId=PFYH6EJDHH4CKT2M" target="_blank">AMAZON</a> and <a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/fight-back-with-joy-margaret-feinberg/1120081889?ean=9781617950896" target="_blank">BARNES&NOBLES</a> link to buy the book NOW!<br />
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<a href="http://www.margaretfeinbergstore.com/products/fight-back-with-joy-6-session-dvd-bible-study-kit" target="_blank">HERE </a>is the link to purchase the 6 week bible study!<br />
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Enjoy! And let me know what you think!</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-72254379435192343802015-01-01T11:49:00.000-08:002015-01-01T11:54:25.533-08:00Here's To 2015!!!!!!Happy New Year!!!<br />
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We have had a completely relaxed Christmas and New Years season. At times I was bored, at times I was really rested, but most of the time I just enjoyed the time. The time with my kids (although we have had our moments). My husband took an entire week off of work during this time and it was awesome!!! He works from home, so he is usually here, but he is very disciplined and stays upstairs in his office during the work day. It was nice not seeing him go up the stairs every day.<br />
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We didn't hang with a lot of family or friends. We had a very quiet, relaxing season. I obviously needed the rest. And even though I am ready to get back to my routine and have the boys back in school, I have to say I am loving the ages of my boys right now because they are independent, but still need me, sort of. Ha! But all in all, they can occupy themselves, or we can all just hang in the living room. We can play games (successfully, if you know what I mean. We actually can complete a game to the finish). We have sung karaoke, the boys have played on their new toy, the Xbox. I have tried to read ( I have so many books, I'm overwhelmed with where to begin), we have watched movies, laughed, cried, ate and slept. Its been good.<br />
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As much as I am looking forward getting back into our routine, I am not looking forward to the 6-6;30 AM wake up call on Monday. Nope. That's going to be brutal.<br />
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But at least I have caught up on some rest, spent some time with my hubby and kids, reflected on the past year, looking forward to all the positive changes coming in 2015 for myself, and my family. This weekend we are getting together with close friends and it will be nice to entertain. I didn't get everything done I had imagined I would these past two weeks. I did continue to work out (yay me!). I haven't gained any weight over the holidays (yay me!) And even though making permanent life changes can be challenging, sometimes you just have to count your small successes and focus on the positive instead of looking at the big picture.<br />
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When I try and look at the big picture instead of living day by day, I get overwhelmed, sad and depressed. And a few days ago I was there, for about 24 hours. I am thankful for forgiveness, for small steps forward, for do-overs and grace.<br />
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Here is to 2015! May it be everything you want it to be and more.<br />
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What are some of your goals for 2015? I don't do resolutions, but I have goals and as a family we have goals. I'll share some of mine if you share yours!!!<br />
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Happy New Year and God bless!!!!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-32951887894021596752014-12-10T13:36:00.001-08:002014-12-10T13:38:32.276-08:0022/24I have found some very encouraging, uplifting, healing blogs that have kind of helped push me forward in opening about my recovery from addiction with food. Disordered eating, whatever you want to call it. These blogs or Facebook pages encouraged me to look at myself as OK just the way that I am.<br />
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The one that has currently had the most positive impact you can find <a href="http://www.canyoustayfordinner.com/" target="_blank">HERE!</a><br />
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From these social media outlets, I even started following some plus size fashion pages. Recently, I've started wearing different clothes. I found that even though I was heavier than I was two years ago, I wasn't nearly as self-conscious in my clothes as I used to be. Whereas before, I had to make sure that the outfit I was wearing was flattering and I had to make sure there weren't any bulges sticking out. (there are ALWAYS bulges, c'mon!) But if I believed they weren't there, they weren't there. Ha!<br />
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That's why in the past when I lost a significant amount of weight, even though I was still large, I felt like I looked acceptable on the outside, looked good in my clothes, and therefore, I was "happy". Inside I was still a hot mess.<br />
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I have always been meticulous about the way that I look and wanting to look my best on the outside. I grew up with a family that looked meticulous at all times. It didn't matter what was going on inside the house, when the Douberly's stepped out, well, we looked like we had it together. So, even though I don't care about looking perfect now, I have used looking good on the outside as kind of my mask for a long time.<br />
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Whenever I have lost weight in the past and gotten semi-close to regular-sized clothing, it never failed I would head over to Lane Bryant thinking how <i>happy</i> I would be that I would be rid of this store once and for all. Part of my shame in being fat is having to shop in specialty stores.<br />
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Of course, eventually I would regain the weight back and there I would be.....back at LB shopping for my 22/24. *sigh*<br />
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There is nothing wrong with having to shop specialty stores. Back in the day, when I was much younger, there just wasn't the choices available like there are today. It was kind of an ordeal to find fashionable clothing that fit when I was a teenager. Don't even get me started on shopping with my mom at Proffits Department store in 1982.....<br />
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The thing that I have realized is that I was the one who heaped that shame and guilt upon myself. I, again, was adding shame and guilt to something that no one was doing to me, I was doing to myself. Ugh.<br />
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What created the shame in the first place? When you don't let people in and you look meticulous on the outside, it is hard for someone to understand the depth of shame a person holds within them. I take responsibility for allowing shame to grow and build in my life, but it didn't just "pop" in my head to feel shame.<br />
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It was carefully taught.<br />
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The adults in my life when I was an adolescent were key in also contributing to the belief in myself that I was less than. There is really too much to write. I was also bullied by my peers because of my weight (they didn't call it bullying back in the day....). Even family. Loved ones with good intentions spread shame. I took it in, I allowed it to shape me. I believed it.<br />
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I have rehashed this junk with people over and over again. It doesn't accomplish anything. It's done. Over. What I allowed it to do to me, however, wasn't. What I have also learned in therapy this past year and a half is that anger turned inward turns into shame. Ding! Ding! Ding! Talk about eye opening.<br />
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Anger with no place to go but in, equals shame, guilt and self-hate.<br />
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I certainly heard many other positive things about myself from my peers and the adults in my life. There were many positive experiences in my adolescence, to only focus on this junk would be unfair.<br />
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I guess my pain didn't have anywhere to go or I didn't have the tools to get it out so it went inside and my shame ended up being seen on the outside. And it's been haunting me for 30 years.<br />
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Even though I know and feel responsible for my eating habits since the time I became an adult, for years I turned what happened in my adolescence and allowed it to shape what I believed about myself. My 30's came the first true spiritual freedom, first experience of the freedom from food, lots of healing....just no way to make it last. The cycle would win again. Heaping more guilt, shame and self-hate. Confirming all those negative beliefs I had about myself. Yes, you are a fat slob who will NEVER change. No one will EVER love you.<br />
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So, even though the 22/24 still haunts me, I've gotten so much more comfortable in my skin the past year and a half. I have learned that all the messages that pop into my head are not ones I need to be meditating on. I have learned to accept myself (for the most part) as I am right now without self-hate and shame. I am surrounded by people who love me and accept me. When I expose myself on this blog, I get acceptance. And part of why this journey is continuing, is able to exist, is the people around me. Encouraging me. Loving me. Helping me. Accepting me.<br />
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I guess it's kind of like hearing truth instead of lies. When you hear truth there is no shame, there is no fear. There is love. Acceptance. A kind of nodding your head in agreement moment with people, rather than ringing of the false, conditional statements from the past in my ear one. last. time.<br />
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I might even be close to saying this:</div>
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The past is past. Thank God.<br />
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The present is pretty awesome.<br />
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I think it's time I accept the 22/24's of my life and live in the current moment in all this love I am surrounded with. It's time to accept not push away. It's truly the only way to make permanent, lasting change begin.<br />
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Next post I will discuss the biggest factor in helping me love and accept myself.... stay tuned!</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-31310842508033874942014-11-24T09:36:00.000-08:002014-11-24T09:47:03.370-08:00Freedom, Slavery and Insults.<div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD1JYFOa1dcrJEjwhECJFaOHAc_TRUe_rK5FoyZHmZKrCnLgqZQmbCEjs4HXlcyr3Lk8TrhKY0TudVzDEqOhhe3YJ_LEftyK286-2IszBh4veqVxIWS2xwW1Gmof557uxZfBKK/s640/blogger-image-1063428509.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD1JYFOa1dcrJEjwhECJFaOHAc_TRUe_rK5FoyZHmZKrCnLgqZQmbCEjs4HXlcyr3Lk8TrhKY0TudVzDEqOhhe3YJ_LEftyK286-2IszBh4veqVxIWS2xwW1Gmof557uxZfBKK/s640/blogger-image-1063428509.jpg"></a></div>Photo credit: Katie Lloyd Photography</div><div><br></div><div><br></div>I've just started sharing my journey that I have been on for a while to get healthy....not just physically, but mentally. It means I've shared a lot of things I have never shared before out in the open. Thanks for coming along.<br>
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Since sharing my goals and wishes last post it has been a bumpy road, when things are going on emotionally, it's harder to keep that 'one day at a time" focus. Especially last week. I enjoyed cake and other treats, and I tried to stay neutral about it, but there were too many things going on in my head.<br>
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I'm not surprised that it's been tough. I'm not surprised by the mental attacks in my head regarding myself, my body and what I eat. It just gets exhausting. And I don't think most people who don't have "ED" (eating disorder) or what I like to call disordered eating.... really get this part. It's hard to get in an addicts brain and understand what they allow in and don't allow in.<br>
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For me, and I can only speak for me, when you have lived in shame most of your life, it's just like a really bad habit. And if you have been in this habit for so many years it's difficult to just "snap out of it". I really wish it were that easy. After my last post I felt almost invincible....I felt like I could do it. We could do this thing. I have accountability. I have support. I have truth on my side. I forgot that I still have to start every day over and live in that day. It's easy to get mentally sidetracked. Sometimes, I have help with the mental fight, other times I am mentally fighting against myself.<br>
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Then some drunk guy passing me in a truck verbally insults me while I'm in a parking lot (with my husband) after enjoying a date night out. That happened about a week ago. I haven't been verbally called out on my weight in years. It's embarrassing, horrifying and degrading.<br>
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I would like to say it didn't throw me for a loop, but it did. I would like to say it didn't hurt, but it did.<br>
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And, I would like to say the truth of God's love for me and how He views me and my mistakes wasn't shaken, but it was.<br>
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So, why does it surprise me, after years and years of not hearing any verbal insults thrown at me because of my weight I get<i> that. </i><br>
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I'm not surprised it happened because I think this getting healthy process has a BIG spiritual component to it and that was just spiritual warfare. My mind was getting mentally strong, I was believing in myself, I posted the last post and felt warm support and it felt safe. If Satan can't get me to hate myself then he will use the next. best. thing. Public humiliation.<br>
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A catcall attached with an insult.<br>
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In public.<br>
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It's kind of like I get the nerve to open up my messed up stuff inside my head in order to heal and Satan hurls something else at me to stop from moving forward.<br>
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I look at myself and remember everything that I have done. The money I have spent to lose weight. I remember the weight I have lost in the past and how it has crept back on, once again. And then I look at an unflattering picture and I allow that picture to change how I view myself. It eats away at me.<br>
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That's why I'm sharing it, because it's been inside my head for days now and it has discouraged me and I allowed it to make me feel less than. I have emotionally eaten on it, definitely. The only difference is I don't shame myself now. I just try and understand the why behind it.<br>
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I'm also sharing it because I know I am not the only one with the struggle. And once I put it out there, I will be reminded that I am not alone in this struggle.<br>
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That's really how I get better. Feelings are going to happen. I'm going to feel sad, angry and upset at myself and others. I just have to figure out the why of using food to cover up those feelings. For the most part, I was just sad...for days. I felt defeated (which I did not need to). I was overcome with self-doubt and feelings of this journey being too daunting and overwhelming, I mean, how many times have I been here? Who am I to think<i> I</i> can do this??? Huh?<br>
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I forgot to live in the moment and take one day at a time. I allowed the negatively to take over, but only for a little while. I then process the hurt. I remember I am not alone, I never have been. And as long as I keep going, I can only move forward. It's a temporary setback. I remember all the good I have been doing, mentally and physically. And I put one foot in front of the other and keep moving on.<br>
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My mind could go either of two ways...I can believe a lie or I can believe the truth. And today I am believing truth.<br>
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"ED" wants me to believe the lies. "Satan" has a few good tricks up his sleeve. But I have the power of the universe behind me with some pretty amazing people backing me up. And if I choose to focus on that, instead of the lies, then ED doesn't win this time.<br>
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For me it's not really about counting calories, burning them off in exercise and getting fit. In the end, I may not look like a fit person to you, but if I have a fit, healthy mind, then there is a peace there that can't be understood if you have never struggled with shame. What I keep hearing is, that when I get the fit and healthy mind, the body will follow.<br>
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Then I will be able to look at myself and find love no matter what is hurled my way. To be comfortable in my current skin. To walk confidently. To not listen to drunks on the side of the road. To look at the unflattering pictures and remember how blessed I am instead of how alone and isolated I feel. To remember the family, friends, and loved ones around me that love me and support me in spite of my failures and setbacks.<br>
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Those outnumber any insult hurled. Any attempt of Satan to make me go back to where I was. It's not going to happen this time. I may take two steps forward and one step back, but as long as I keep going and learn different ways then I am a success.<br>
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This is the life of freedom.<br>
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"So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free and don't get tied up again in slavery to the law" Galatians 5:1<br>
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<br>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-75726369989488034712014-11-10T20:07:00.001-08:002014-11-10T20:07:51.309-08:00Getting It All Out. My church had a women's retreat recently where the focus was on freedom. I led a breakout session at the retreat on Saturday, along with a few other women. But for the most part, Friday night and Saturday was a time of worship and a time in the word and a great time of just refreshment and healing.<br />
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My breakout session was on freedom from the bondage of food. It was quite difficult being a large person leading a session on being free from the bondage of food. It felt, well, hypocritical. But, I was loved and accepted by those present and I explained in my session where I was in my journey and it was honestly the best thing that I could have done for where I am. That's kind of what led to my last post. Even though I have dealt with what happened in my pastor's office when I was 16 years old long ago, I had never openly shared it with the world. And it needed to happen.<br />
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There is a lot of "stuff" inside of me that I have never let out. I have spent the last year and a half in the best treatment/therapy that I have ever had. As a therapist myself, I believe in therapy and there is nothing wrong with saying you need it. My weight is one area of my life that I. can't. control. Which, I have found is quite common (Look at Oprah, girl has got it together but can't stay a size 8, not that she needs to, but you see what I'm sayin'). Or we control too much (anorexia and bulimia...or more mildly with over dieting and exercising to stay a size 6). So, it goes both ways. Disordered eating doesn't really have a preference it's just when you're really, really fat or really, really skinny people can see it more. Some people are really good at hiding their disorders.<br />
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I have spent the last ten years diligently attempting to get to a healthy weight and I haven't succeeded. There. It's out there. I said it.<br />
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Most of that time I hated myself and the way I looked. If I lost weight I was "happy" and liked the way I looked, even though I never made it anywhere near a goal weight. I lost a lot of weight.....but.....I had a lot of weight to lose, so.... I would lose, gain, lose. repeat. I was depressed and got to the point of being so sad and depressed about the way that I looked that it spurred me to change. What I have learned in the past year and a half is that you can't hate your way to a positive change. Let me say that again <b><i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">YOU CAN'T HATE YOURSELF INTO A POSITIVE CHANGE.</span></i></b> Yep. And I have about 30 years of hate to undo. Wow. It's my hate. I own it. I've had medical interventions in order to reach a goal weight and had initial success, great success, only to slowly re-gain. Enter more shame, guilt, self-hate and failure. *sigh*<br />
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Not only have I had to come to not hate the way I look in order to change I really had to embrace the way I look. The reason for change had to come from something besides what was on the outside. Because being a certain size on the outside isn't going to necessarily make me happy, even though that's what I've focused on for so. many. years.<br />
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It's about acceptance. Love, not hate. Being able to say I'm beautiful. <i>You can tell me I'm beautiful 10,000 times and it doesn't matter if I don't believe it.... </i>It's about trying to see myself like my husband sees me. Like my kids see me. Like Jesus sees me.<br />
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I'm to the point where I want to stop procrastinating and move forward with a plan. I have a birthday coming up in a couple of weeks and next year at this time I want to look different. To finally begin a journey with love and acceptance and move forward to healthy living because I just want to be healthy, move freely, have energy to keep up with my kids...all kinds of things make the list not just the fact that I could be smoking HOT as a size 8. That's really not the focus, it can't be. That's kind of like the icing on the cake. It can't be the end all, be all. I'm more than that. I'm so much more than just a pretty face. I always have been.<br />
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I want to stop procrastinating now that I have worked on a lot of this "head" stuff and while taking it one day at a time still hold myself accountable to eating clean, 80-90% of the time, eating whole foods, working my body out in a healthy way (which means I don't have to kill it, I just have to move it 3-5 times a week). All this while giving me grace when life happens. Understanding what eating in moderation means. Living with the hard feelings. The sad feelings.<br />
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So yeah, I may be a mess for a while. There's a lot of stuff in here that's not pleasant or fun and it either comes out and gets processed or I drown it with food. It's really difficult to explain in a paragraph, but if you stick with me long enough you will be able to experience the ups and downs of recovery. Because that's what it is. It's a journey. And there will be ups and downs.<br />
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Just like walking into that retreat with anxiety about sharing about being free from food's bondage and wondering if I was going to be laughed out of the room, writing this post leaves me feeling exposed and "out there". But I went ahead and did that breakout session and great things came from it. Instead of being laughed out of the room I was loved, accepted and affirmed. It was crazy. It was healing. The retreat was healing. Jesus is healing.<br />
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It's very healing sharing your scars and realizing that people aren't going to reject you but offer you support. For too long I have rejected support and built walls and kept people out. I still do. I have a long ways to go. But just writing this blog post helps. It is healing. Putting it out there.<br />
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So, I want to be free from this junk so if that means putting it out there I'm going to put it out there. I'm the only one who can choose to let it go. It just may mean seeing all kinds of parts of me you haven't seen before. Hopefully you can love me through this process.<br />
<br />
More to come..... (eek!)</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-64845512081860154882014-09-21T14:16:00.001-07:002014-09-21T16:43:52.091-07:00On healing from past hurts....So I got into a Facebook argument with a friend from high school last week. What's new, right? That's what Facebook is all about it seems these days, right? ha. No, this was pretty interesting. I didn't mean to get into a Facebook argument.<br>
<br>
I went to school with this friend since 4th grade. We graduated from high school together. There were 12...13, maybe of us altogether in the graduating class. Independent, fundamental baptist church. My friend wrote a post about our childhood and tagged me in the post. He was remembering a lot of good people (and they were). My friend didn't know that his trip down memory lane and my subsequent negative comment (which was only party negative) would lead to the equivalence of him yelling at me in his response to me. He was basically telling me to get over it and stop raining on his memory lane parade. Or at least that's how I interpreted it. I commented back "sorry" and he said "OK". Then I decided I wasn't "sorry". I felt what I felt and I wasn't sorry. So I deleted my sorry. He deleted his 'ok' and his rant, but left my comment. We have since discussed and ad a great conversation (via Facebook messenger of course ;-) ) love my life long friends. I really do. <br>
<br>But at the time he didn't know the stuff that I had processed in therapy that week. In essence, in his comment he was telling me to get over it. I mean it's been 28 years. He may have just been talking about the fundamentalism and legalism we grew up in. I was talking about abuse. Not sexual abuse. I want to make that clear. But spiritual abuse. Abuse in power. I had processed some deep shameful stuff that I had never processed before just a few days before. So I'm thankful for Tim. <br>
<br>
So, listening to my friend take a stroll down memory lane discussing other people was fine. We had some great memories with some great people. It wasn't all bad. At all. I guess the timing of his post with the timing of my processing just clashed, but it was really a good thing and quite beneficial, because it was really good for me.<br>
<br>
No one may really understand this or me or why I feel the wayI do and that's OK. I've processed some heavy stuff the past two weeks. I have never, ever written anything down about the spiritual abuse I encountered growing up in a independent, fundamental baptist church and shared it. Ever.<br>
<br>Yesterday I led a breakout session at a Women's conference. I told a group of women who do not know me one aspect of spiritual abuse that occurred when I was beginning my senior year of high school and it was done by the the pastor I grew up with in childhood . It was an abuse of power on his part and it should never have happened. This abuse has a critical role in my shame with my weight. I have never shared anything like this with people who were not super close with me. <br>
<br>
Today, what my pastor, Aarron Schwartz said, most likely in passing, hit me straight between the eyes, was that when people abuse spiritually, it is usually most likely because of a boundary break. I would agree with that. Not surprised by that. What he said next, took my breath away. Those who spiritually abuse, for the most part, are not bad people. But because of broken boundaries, they take on or don't have the necessary boundaries they need so they hurt other people because of it. Wow.<br>
<br>
And I think that's exactly what happens in churches where there is no accountability. The Pastor takes on way too much power and before you know it, he thinks he needs to save his flock. And so he takes on too much responsibility and before you know it he is taking on the role as 'messiah' and rescuing and then there is anger, disappointment, and hurt when people don't respond the way he wants them to. And everything gets warped. It was just warped power. The end. And it hurt innocent people. And that is sad.<br>
<br>
Anyway, this needed to be written for me. I think it is part of my continued healing. Some may not get it. That's OK. It wasn't written for you.<br>
<br>
I have forgiven long ago. People will be held accountable for their actions. Why this has taken so long for me to let go .....SHAME. And I was the one holding onto it. That's why. And that wasn't my fault. Because I didn't put that shame there. But I am responsible for putting it to rest and walking in freedom.<br>
<br>
<br>
Some people think I"m broken.<br>
A prisoner of the past.<br>
What they don''t understand is that healing takes time.<br>
Because even though I am whole<br>
and even though I am free,<br>
Shame has its own calling card,<br>
Shame has its own address and name.<br>
Shame likes to take up residence in a broken person's soul,<br>
And even though that person isn't broken,<br>
Shame just doesn't seem to know.<br>
<br>
Until The Light breaks in and The Door is opened<br>
And memories are brought to light<br>
And the broken is reminded<br>
They had no part in the hurting<br>
No, they were just an innocent one standing by<br>
<br>
When you're sixteen or seventeen<br>
You trust the adults in your life<br>
And if they tell you you're pretty<br>
Then you believe them when they tell you a lie.<br>
<br>
You were pretty. That wasn't the lie.<br>
It's OK to not feel fondly<br>
Of a place that heaped shame<br>
It's OK to mourn<br>
And it's OK to feel sad<br>
Maybe no one else experienced it,<br>
But you did. That shame called your name.<br>
<br>
But now there is freedom<br>
And now there is light<br>
You have told your story<br>
And it shines in the light<br>
Go and be free<br>
For you have <i>always</i> held the key<br>
<br>
I have no idea if this poem makes any sense but I just wrote it this afternoon. Along with this blog post. The more things I put to light the less hold they will have on the inside. And I want ALL the stuff that has been holding me on the inside to finally come out. I want to experience freedom like I have never experienced it before.<br>
<br>
Thank you for listening.<br>
<br>
<br>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-77293950843830820762014-07-07T07:31:00.001-07:002014-07-07T07:31:44.781-07:00Hi friendsI'm in the middle of a summer sabbatical right now with the blog. Thinking things over. Trying to figure out who Reflections of a Mom is these days. Good things to come. And you will be the first to hear about it! Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-91116409564450030272014-04-07T07:37:00.000-07:002014-04-07T07:37:08.454-07:00Great, Positive ADHD Article!oh my goodness! I love everything about this article. As many of you know I have an 8 year old with ADHD. I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult....it was truly eye opening. My 8 year old already has questions about why he has to take medicine. How awesome this professional explains ADHD symptoms to families. Coming from a strengths perspective myself from my social work training, I just simply. love. this.<br />
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Click <a href="http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/9338.html" target="_blank">HERE </a>to read how you can explain ADHD to your child from a strengths perspective!<br />
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Happy Monday!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-16522843907184432402014-04-01T10:34:00.000-07:002014-04-01T10:40:29.341-07:00Let It Go (the non-Disney version)On the way to church last Sunday I couldn't help but anticipate the anxiety that would soon be brewing once we parked the car and went into the theatre (where the church meets). A lot of my anxiety was based on expectations. Expectations that I knew weren't going to be met. It had nothing to do with the church. It simply had to do with knowing my two boys were about to be unleashed.<br />
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Having a son with ADHD and then having a younger son that does everything his big brother does well, you see where this is going. Impulsiveness begets impulsiveness. It makes life interesting. And it really puts a wrench when we go to places and do things that are unstructured and can be overstimulating, like church. Now imagine church in a movie theatre. Yeah. So every week it feels like I am fighting a battle. Every week we have to go over the same rules. I have to be "on top" of the impulsivity. It can really be exhausting.<br />
<br />
My expectations have to do with control. I want to control my children. I want them to listen. I want them to keep their hands to themselves. My brain knows why Carter has the need to touch everything, but the mom in me just wants him to stop. I want them to do what I say. I want them to act a certain way in public. I want people to think that I am a great mom. This is a common issue that I have to deal with quite frequently. And it's mine. I own it. Basically, I am giving myself anxiety. Over things I can't control.
I long for my oldest to be still. For him to walk with us and not run impulsively away from us. To ask before he does something, to sit at the dinner table and stay there. To understand consequences and to understand that just saying your sorry doesn't instantly make everything right, it's not a pat answer that fixes all the messes. I want him to walk in a straight line without hopping, skipping or jumping all the time. I mean, he's 8. Why can't he do that? Why can't I make him do that? How do I help him learn to control himself. I mean, it's a life skill, right? I am a therapist. I teach kids and families about feelings, behaviors, impulse control yet I am challenged by these behaviors every day. Does anything I try and teach him stick?<br />
<br />
God pretty much teaches me every week that I just need to let go. And last Sunday he was teaching me to let go of straight lines, perfect walks, the messes, the broken toys, mannerly communication with others in public, and the hope of asking before doing (ha). To just let go of my expectations.<br />
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And with that, the anxiety left. It wasn't long, though, before I picked it back up again when Carter wouldn't listen to my request to stay by my side and when I pulled him away from the water fountain to "consequence" him. To prove my point. To show the others around me that, I am trying. I am trying to control the behavior. I could see the anger in his eyes. He just wants to do what he wants to do. I have to teach him that there are limits. There's nothing wrong with that....it's just that my expectations are usually centered around what other people think, and that is not Carter's responsibility. So why am I punishing him for something that I created? I just wanted him to be still and stay by my side. But, we are in a movie theatre. Big open spaces, lots of hallways to run through. buttons to push on doors to make them open. I mean, for an 8 year old, ADHD boy this place is heaven. Add a four year old into that mix and I. get. overwhelmed. <br />
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He's not going to stand still. He can learn the rules....no running, but right now, he's going to dart ahead. Jump to the water fountains and well, that's ok. Because sometimes I just need to pick our relationship over my expectations that he's never, ever going to meet. And how frustrating for an 8 year old little boy to have to suffer through, whether he has ADHD or not.<br />
<br />
The more I try to make Carter conform at age 8 the more he resents me. I'm not talking about discipline matters. We discipline, we have structure, rules and rewards. But staying on him for things that are just expectations of good behavior, those are the things that rob the joy out of our relationship. Do I really need to stay on top of him for every little thing? No. Just let it go. <br />
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It's a fine balance. And I have sucked at it lately and I can tell from our relationship it is affecting him. It's time to pick battles. Let things go. We both need our emotional love tank re-filled and I see glimpses of that happening. We had a great weekend in Chattanooga over spring break and I really tried to just enjoy my boy. Tell him how much I love him. Praise him. Point out what he is doing good. Tickle him. Ruffle his hair. Stroke his cheek and tell him that I am so glad that he is mine. <br />
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Enjoy the good times. Stay in the moment. Take is one day at a time. Breathe. That's all I can do and am trying to do. <br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-27931747030674939352014-03-02T07:27:00.001-08:002014-03-05T10:20:25.499-08:00The Sound of Silence...My husband and I enjoyed sleeping in until 8 am this morning. My cell phone alarm going off is what woke us up...thank goodness!!!<div><br></div><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMoLUNCfrSmlPRykixxvksz4iAgCXrzkYi4JDxS6vQp3LTPH2suzFKZHa1S1UGaS8R_optRM2M8DM_rprsTZQslajK3sOxq1H4yHVSxD2xjRVM7YmxitnI0nLqPnKTo0p4TweV/s640/blogger-image-222626061.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMoLUNCfrSmlPRykixxvksz4iAgCXrzkYi4JDxS6vQp3LTPH2suzFKZHa1S1UGaS8R_optRM2M8DM_rprsTZQslajK3sOxq1H4yHVSxD2xjRVM7YmxitnI0nLqPnKTo0p4TweV/s640/blogger-image-222626061.jpg"></a><br><div><br></div><div>It was ENTIRELY too quiet in the house. I knew Carter was awake because he had come into our room before 7 then left. I figured Griffin was still sleeping. </div><div><br></div><div>I get up just in time to see Carter darting for the garage door and I quickly ask if G is still asleep. Nope, he's awake.</div><div><br></div><div>Carter runs ahead and I hear he and G discussing the dog. I tell C to get inside and I call G. No response. After about the third call, I'm freaking out ( and a little angry). I move to look into the back yard and see this blurry image of Temple Run jammies running toward the garage.</div><div><br></div><div>They had let the dog out and wanted her to come in, the dog wanted to run in the woods and play. </div><div><br></div><div>I wanted to kill them for 1) being outside with no one knowing. 2) for being outside in their jammies. 3) for embarrassing the heck out if this momma (what if someone sees them out in their jammies unsupervised!!!). </div><div><br></div><div>Thankfully, this had *just* happened. They had just wanted the dog to come in. I caught them in the nick of time. They will be *strongly* reminded that letting the dog out to pee is awesome and shows us great responsibility. Crawling underneath the garage door to chase the dog isssss NOT ok. There will be a discussion about household rules later today ( this was already in the works). </div><div><br></div><div>Every time Greg and I get to sleep in on the weekends we end up saying that we are paid back times 2 because the kids decided to do something, um, questionable. </div><div><br></div><div>It was a really good sleep, tho.... </div><div><br></div><div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div></div></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-82268223874751655362014-02-28T06:37:00.001-08:002014-02-28T06:37:10.411-08:00Underachiever moms, unite!!!!<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;"><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 15px;"><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">Do you let your kids go a week without a bath?</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">Do you completely forget about costumes, cupcakes and school projects until the day before ( or of-- yikes!!)</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">Store bought valentines box AND Valentines??</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">Do you wait and see what everyone else is bringing to the class party so that everything is either taken or you just have to grab some leftover plates and napkins from the last party?</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">Not change your kids underwear every day?</p><p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">Have they been wearing those same pair of jeans for yet another day because the laundry just hasn't seem to do itself? </p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">Kids teeth go unbrushed for a couple of days?</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">Throw away yet another cookie sale form? </p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">Forget a deadline?</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 15px;"><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">Then this post is for you. You rock! It's okay. Kids aren't going to remember this stuff. You haven't let them down. You love them, spend time with them. Kisses and snuggles will win out on the best costume every time. </p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 15px;"><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">So, lay the guilt aside. Go have fun with your kids. Go buy the store bought cupcakes. Recycle the costumes, store bought, nonetheless. </p><p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;"><br></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">I have come to terms with the fact that there will always be those mon's out there that "do" more than I do. More creative. More homemade. More cookie sales, and yes, I'm bitter. But I have to remind myself It. Just. Doesn't. Matter. </p><p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;"><br></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">And if you are "that" mom that does all the above, kudos to you. I'm really trying not to be jealous and post passive-aggressive comments under your pictures. Forgive me. Just show me love and grace for I am just jealous of your awesomeness. Seriously, you rock too.</p><p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;"><br></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">Because it is what it is. And nobody is better than the other. </p><p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;"><br></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">In the end, we love our kids the same, we just show it in our own unique way. And that's ok.</p><p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;"><br></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">So, I will not think about the fact that I sent my kid to school with only his Dr. Suess hat ( that he wore Wednesday) to finish up Dr. Suess week. Yeah. I still rock. And you do too! </p>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-57491889754553669212014-02-13T15:13:00.001-08:002014-02-13T15:13:40.916-08:00Valentine's Candy and Grief...So I indulged in a little Valentines candy today, pre-valentines day. Stopped at Walgreen's to pick up some things and bought some little 2 for $1.00 Russell Stover valentine's candy. For some reason, Valentines candy does not make me think of romantic love. I've never asked for Valentines candy as a present, probably because I am always watching my weight. It doesn't mean, however, that I have not eaten my fair share.<br />
<br />
Today, I specifically thought about an early February nine years ago. I was pregnant with our first child. I honestly didn't think that I could get pregnant, even though I had no reason to think that other than I was older and overweight. I went from utter shock in learning that we were pregnant to being overjoyed...and a little queasy.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I will never forget it. We hosted a Super Bowl party with our Sunday school class, who I had shared our awesome news with. We had told our family. I wasn't even 8 weeks pregnant yet. The next day I was scheduled to have the first ultrasound to date the pregnancy and hear the heartbeat.<br />
<br />
We went in for our scheduled appointment. We went through the entire ultrasound and I wondered why we couldn't see the heartbeat.The technician didn't let on until she had gathered all the information she needed for assessment and then she let us know that she was sorry, but she didn't see a heartbeat.<br />
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It was a pretty ugly scene. I may have screamed. I know I was crying and inconsolable. Poor Greg. He was also in shock and was trying to comfort me. I'm sure we asked questions. I can't remember now what they were. The tech left us alone for a while. I got dressed and we waited to see my doctor's nurse. They gave us options on what we could do. I was so in shock that I couldn't do anything but go home.<br />
<br />
By now you are probably wondering what this has to do with Valentine's candy. Well, in the next few days, my mom came to be with us. I couldn't decide whether or not to have a D and C. And in between there, I ate Valentine's candy. I remember going into Target and seeing all the Valentines displays and bought a big box of chocolates. And proceeded to eat them all. <br />
<br />
I had lost a lot of weight previously so, even though they weren't asking why, I told my mom and my husband that for now, I was going to eat candy. I was going to be fine, and I wouldn't keep eating candy, but for the next few days, I was going to eat as much candy as I wanted. LOL.<br />
<br />
By the end of the week I decided to have a D and C and after one more sonogram to ease my mind and to make sure that our little baby indeed had no heartbeat, the procedure was done and the rest is history.<br />
<br />
I think I ate another big box of candy after the procedure. I'm sure I shared. Maybe. <br />
<br />
I have absolutely no reason why I remembered that today. I think I probably remember it every year, but for some reason today I needed to write about it. <br />
<br />
Greg and I have gone on to have two healthy children (along with two more, just as devastating, miscarriages in between). I have had more vaginal ultrasounds than I ever care to remember. Lots of bloodwork. I am glad that the fear and anxiety that always followed finding out I was pregnant is behind us. No more holding our breath through the first trimester. No more "procedures". No more loss in the baby department. <br />
<br />
But today, as I bit into my little Russell Stover treat, I just happened to have my breath taken away from a memory of a hope that turned into a loss and a left a lot of tears and questions behind it.<br />
And the memory of that time flooded back as if it was yesterday and I felt compelled to write about it.<br />
<br />
I guess there is always room for processing grief and today was my day. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-81276133689925839642014-02-03T14:16:00.001-08:002014-02-03T14:16:58.081-08:00If: Gathering NashvilleI am so looking forward to the IF: Gathering local event in Nashville this weekend. My soul needs this. I need this. I know I need to go because I am already trying to talk myself out of going.<br />
<br />
I was the only one of my friends who was actually able to snag an If: Austin registration. It sold out in like, 2 hours. Crazy. But, with no friends going and fitting the hotel bill on my own, not to mention the flight down to Texas, I decided to stay local.<br />
<br />
Is anyone else attending an If:Gathering local event??? Look on my sidebar for details on how you can get in on the action before it's too late.<br />
<br />
I want to see you there!!!!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-91521898169180813552014-01-24T12:36:00.000-08:002014-01-24T12:36:00.102-08:00Have you had the talk???Since we now have an eight year old, parenting in some ways is getting easier. But, as Carter gets older, there are dilemmas that pop up that take proactive approach. Who knew 8 years ago that I would be having discussions about Internet safety with my eight year old.....
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<br />
Yes, technology is one of the things that HAS to be addressed early. Times have changed and just like the sex talk, starting the conversation early is monumental. That talk, the sex talk, is a continual conversation you should be having with your child from the time they start asking simple questions about where babies come from, not something you try to have with them when they turn 10 or 12. Good luck with that if you do. For more on age and developmentally appropriate discussions on sex, see my post <a href="http://reflectionsofamom.blogspot.com/2011/08/umuhand-other-awkward-moments.html">HERE</a>
<br />
<br />
This time, our discussion with Carter had to do with technology. Here are some things we recently addressed with him.<br />
<br />
1) We explained why we were having this discussion, in a very age appropriate way. We told him that since we are his parents, it's our job to keep him safe. One of those ways is monitoring what he does on the Internet. We informed him that it is very easy to see and hear things that are not appropriate for him to see or hear. We explained to him that some parents may not monitor their kids in the same way we do, and that's not bad, but we definitely want him to know and be prepared when and if something comes up.<br />
<br />
2) My husband and I discussed with Carter that if he is playing a game and he is prompted to watch a video to get points, coins, or whatever mom and/or dad need to be there with you while you are viewing them, or need to view them enough to know you aren't being exposed to something you shouldn't.<br />
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3) We had a discussion with Carter about what is appropriate content and what is not appropriate content for him to view if and when he is with a friend and that friend has more access to technology without parental supervision. I would be naive to think that the possibility of him being exposed to something that is inappropriate isn't there. This included bad words, cursing and nudity. I explained it like this....if you see anyone naked or partially naked on a video you are watching, it's not appropriate for you to watch. Carter knows (somewhat) what bad words are and words that you aren't allowed to say. We didn't go into much detail. You don't have to. They know.<br />
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4) We discussed what to say and do when something inappropriate pops up or his friend wants him to watch something that is inappropriate. We explained how to say, nicely and politely, that what they are viewing is something he doesn't want to see or that he knows his parents don't want him to see. We role played different scenarios with what to say when his friend questioned him or made fun of him for not wanting to watch something inappropriate. Then we told him he could always go to an adult and ask to come home if his friend didn't listen or wasn't being nice to him.<br />
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5) We asked him if he had any questions. Surprisingly, he didn't. You could tell his wheels were turning in his mind. I told him that after he thought about it a little while and had questions to please feel free to ask me or dad. We also told him he never had to be afraid to tell us something, that we would (try) not to get mad and if he talks to us up front about something it's less likely that he will get in trouble. And he would never get in trouble for telling us something that he saw, however, if we catch him watching something or hiding something from us, that requires a consequence. The big thing we were going here was trust. He can trust us with information. We are safe. It builds on our relationship.<br />
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This is just the beginning. What is awesome about having this conversation BEFORE anything happens is that we can build on it constantly. As with the sex talk, it's a continual conversation that comes up every now and then. When we inadvertently see something or hear something we shouldn't, I take that as an opportunity to talk to him about it and why it is wrong or something we don't watch or listen to. It helps him understand the difference between right and wrong and it keeps a dialog open. If he knows he isn't going to get into trouble for discussing things with me, which means I don't pass judgement or jump to conclusions when he brings something inappropriate up or asks questions, then he knows I am safe and his dad is safe and he is going to be way more open with us and we will have a continual dialog. If he is asking simply for the knowledge and understanding to help him make better choices, then I welcome those comments and questions. If he does something blatant to get attention, there will be a consequence. There is a difference and you, as the parent, will recognize this. I hope.<br />
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Whew. Good luck.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-70340518835824381382014-01-21T08:34:00.002-08:002014-01-21T14:29:19.327-08:00Love, Crafts and Birthdays<br />
My son turned 8 last week. I'm still trying to come to terms with that. He's so big and grown up, for eight, that is. So sweet.<br />
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Anyway, he wanted a Minecraft party theme and we had already decided to have the party at home to cut costs. </div>
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Pinterest was my friend (and enemy) in planning this party. If you want Minecraft you pretty much have to create it, there are really no kids party supplies out there. I am thankful for those who went before me and created these printable templates!</div>
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In the end, I still spent a lot of money. But his having this memory of this party in our home with his best buds was money well spent!!<br />
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For the cupcake wrappers and toppers I used <a href="http://www.thepartyanimal-blog.org/free-printable-minecraft-cupcake-toppers-wrappers/" target="_blank">THIS</a> site (SOOO super easy!!!)<br />
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There were lots of Minecraft cakes and cupcakes online and as usual with all my recipes/creations, I made a hybrid. I did the cupcakes, which are on many sites. And somewhere I saw a cake made out of iced brownies and white cake to look like a block, which everything is supposed to be square, of course. So I created this so that the kids could have a cake, brownie or rice crispie treats. Honestly, people came up with way more interesting rice crispie treats, making them into coal and whatnot, but let's face it. I'm lazy. If there is a shortcut, I will take it. And, I couldn't do EVERYTHING on Pinterest, although I considered it. So I focused on the cupcakes being the main deal and just went out and bought the premade rice crispy treats (yes, I know, processed crap) and served it up this way.</div>
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what Minecraft party is complete without Creeper Juice? So cute. But nobody wanted it. They all wanted sprite.. LOL. Live and learn. Buy little sprite bottles next time and take those labels off instead.<br />
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<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhR9h2Pan-GPwtvROw0KV2dwc2fh1MC1JsqAyjEyMCzJJKhjktXNJVwCInvDF2SlYGa2jbLZRr3iC3uee5d7N8DzsjCN4Y6A3S7IS7dWUj8C4in4C9Ya45za_7lBhAIuTGaTo2f/s640/blogger-image--1491282044.jpg" /><br />
Food printable cards I found <a href="http://catchmyparty.com/blog/free-minecraft-party-printables-from-printabelle" target="_blank">HERE</a>...among other printables if you need them. A bunch of the sites had the candy ideas. This is what I did.<br />
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<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXR3VvnHbo-tSVBQwAoRvMwmMkJXDO-WOzIYrXd9avfY1-30S7sBnOj44wQ74UvYlDG2RpN6JZ5I9krebgplA26P_4bR4WQ7qRYLBhSvXUyIXi9yMxBNSiPTcbWzrSKOA0BcqG/s640/blogger-image--836915491.jpg" /><br />
Creeper bags. Again, this idea is everywhere and so easy. I mean, if I can do it, anyone I can. I pained those creeper faces on the goody bags myself. Love.<br />
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<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ6agwhHImTKAHDayM_5aIq1gtcVBdahJVifFZVNQRctr5Jf7vewhP-6iAEVhr5bA8AW5C5ydaTTECG4730u5_5gPyNeOkdD-EgSZb-xaZ3xeHhNoI03-t0-2vwYFEC_t5Neqr/s640/blogger-image--1539154684.jpg" /><br />
Kids enjoying the party. Oh, remember to help the kids take the cupcake covers off. Some of the kids didn't eat their cupcake because they couldn't get the tape off the cover. Oops. Fail.<br />
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<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoohJ19XoT8jMRe3f3P8cdqy5FV_9PC6ERbd_GGqyag95vYntsyjskEsIZvSzeffySHZi9jLJs-enodS0YeqoapT7E4f3Kzvx0FAAMHIuXu1nFnrQi0kAXQLB_RSDGqLNwFnIN/s640/blogger-image-1597873325.jpg" /><br />
Carter was so excited throughout the week as I prepared for the party. He even helped with some of the crafting. The day of everything went so smoothly because I had been working on the party all week and had gotten most everything finished early. I had time to spare to get ready and chill a little bit before the party began. Don't get me wrong, it was exhausting but to me ALL birthday parties for kids are exhausting, I would rather just be in my own home. <br />
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We had one craft activity (which was THE BOMB!) And you can get the idea <a href="http://www.frugalfamilytimes.com/2013/08/minecraft-birthday-party-printables.html" target="_blank">HERE!</a> Sadly, I didn't get a picture of the craft but you can check it out on the website link I provided. OMG! These people are amazing. I mean, seriously. Using the <a href="http://www.frugalfamilytimes.com/2013/08/minecraft-birthday-party-printables.html" target="_blank">Frugal Family Times</a> blog for the Minecraft party was the BEST. It's how I found out there are Minecraft parody music videos on Youtube. We had these playing on our TV through our BluRay player as the guests arrived and they LOVED them. Check out everything on the link above!<br />
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I am excited I get to do this again in April when Griffin turns 5! He has asked for a Mario party, lots of great ideas on Pinterest. woo hoo!!!<br />
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Have a great week!</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-14584229039973594982014-01-09T08:19:00.000-08:002014-01-09T08:21:29.499-08:00Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Yeah...I know it's been a while.December was crazy. Here is my top 10 for the past month...<br />
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1.I went to Haiti. Amazing.<br />
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2. Came back from Haiti. Broken...and tired.<br />
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3. Helped out with my son's Christmas party. Awesome.<br />
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4. Getting everything ready and finished for Christmas. Stressful.<br />
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5. Knee injury right before Christmas. Inconvenient (and painful).<br />
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6. Sleeping in every day during Christmas break. Fabulous!<br />
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7. Two weeks at home with my boys. Awesome.<br />
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8. Very Quiet New Years Eve. Ahhh...<br />
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9. I hosted a Downton Abbey Season 4 premiere party. Fantastic.<br />
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10. Extended Christmas break due to icy, cold weather. Cabin fever with two active boys. Um, I won't go there.<br />
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Whew. <br />
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I'm still recovering. How about you?<br />
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This is the first day since December 19th that both of my kids are in school for a full day so I figured I would update my blog.<br />
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I have lots to talk about in 2014, just not today. I'm enjoying some peace and quiet.<br />
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And coffee.<br />
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Lots and lots of coffee.<br />
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How was your December?<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37329139.post-8628309144967406032013-12-02T10:42:00.003-08:002013-12-02T10:43:23.627-08:00Haiti = HardThis time next week I will be in HAITI!!! It has been a wild, wild month. I have had so many feelings regarding Haiti so I thought I would share a few.<br />
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I just want to be real here, going to Haiti is hard. It was hard when I went the first time, but now that I am going back and know what to expect (although all trips are different) it kind of takes the "hard" up a notch. Kind of like when you are giving birth to your second child. You've been there, done that, yet NOW you know what to expect (like, you know what it's liking pushing an 8 pound baby out of you-know-where) (am I going to poop all over the hospital staff again, wow, that was embarrassing).... it's just a different kind of nervous. I don't know.... thankfully, hopefully, there will be no pooping in front of others in Haiti...<br />
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Seriously though, this past month has been very up and down. As a family we went through a lot, some personal stuff and some business stuff. I flat out was thinking of different ways I could get out of going on this trip. I emailed my wonderful friend, Tami, and told her I was freaking out. She said that was great (wha???). LOL. Yes, apparently, my fears and apprehension all point to God doing something big in me through this trip.<br />
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I mean, I know a lot of people who go to Haiti. A lot. Like several times a year and they love it. They talk about not wanting to leave Haiti. They talk about these strong feelings toward going back. I didn't fall in love with Haiti the last time I went. In fact, I knew it would be a while before I went back. It was that hard. And the stuff I thought was going to be hard wasn't. I can live without hot water for a week. I can live with eating different foods for a week. I can live in the heat. I can live with the possibilty of the generator going out and having no electrcity. That stuff was easy. <br />
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Well, I would like to say that reaching out to Tami helped with my apprehension but it didn't. Midway through November I started looking for full time employment. One of the positions I was interviewing for had me starting work the Monday after I get back from Haiti. Talk about skyrocketing anxiety. I just didn't think I could do it. And, thankfully, I won't. <br />
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Even after I knew I wasn't going to take a full time position (more on that in another blog post to come) I just flat out attempted to convince myself that I did not have to go. I could get out of it...but what about all that money? What about all those people that helped me raise the money to go? Well, I would pay them back. No biggie. Ugh. I tried thinking about all the things I am going to miss while I am in Haiti during the Christmas season. My son's Christmas play. My work's Christmas party. Surely that is a good reason not to go. Mommy guilt, that's always a good one...<br />
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Then something real happened. My dad had a complication with his dialysis. He was having a procedure the day before Thanksgiving. I didn't know if this would impact me going to Haiti or not. If my dad was in the hospital I was not going to Haiti. I sent a text to Tami, who was ever supportive. And in the back of my mind, even though I wouldn't truly acknowledge it, I thought this is my way out.<br />
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Somehow, in all of this, I finally reached a decision. I decided I was going to go. I was supposed to go. I wanted to go. I felt peace. I felt even more peace after I heard that my dad's procedure went well and that nothing will really change with his dialysis until the new year. Whew. <br />
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This past week I have felt nothing but peace. I am going. I am supposed to go. I want to go. Now that we are back from Missouri I can truly do all the things that need to be done to get ready for the trip. <br />
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I don't really know how to explain it, the peace. I am glad it is there though.<br />
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Going to a third world country is hard. Seeing the poverty, devastation and under-nourished orphans in less than ideal conditions is hard. Knowing that there isn't really anything I can do to "fix" the corruption in Haiti is hard and frustrating. It is emotionally draining. <br />
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But, then I remember that as hard as it is, what if we weren't involved? What if we weren't there?What if we couldn't give. I don't feel like I make a whole lot of difference in Haiti and that's frustrating. But that week that I am in Haiti, as hard as it is, I get to give love freely to orphans that have nothing. As heartbreaking as it is to know that no one tucks them in at night, I can love on the few that "choose me" for the week. I can be a momma to some Haitian babies. Plus, we get to give them stuff, which is always cool. But reminding myself when this gets really hard that I have been so very blessed makes all the trivial difficulties seem, well, trivial.<br />
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So, I am going. And it's going to be hard. But, that's okay. I have one week of hard. These orphans haven't known anything but hard their whole lives. The only thing is they don't know it. And God uses them to remind me Who He Is. Because Jesus shines in them. To see them sing about Jesus and experience Him in ways that I truly have never known, priceless. <br />
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I'm looking forward to my second experience in Haiti. Thank you to everyone who gave toward my trip. Thanks for all your prayers. Please keep us in your thoughts next week! I will post an update when we get back!!! Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01504559474660278789noreply@blogger.com2