REFLECTIONS OF A MOM

On my own

2012-01-31T07:40:00.000-08:00

This post will most likely be short. It has been a very hectic week because Greg, my ever supportive husband, is out of town on business for THREE DAYS!!! He left me in charge, completely in charge, of the morning routine....if you don't know me, let me tell you, I am not a morning person, at all. Greg bears a lot of the load in the mornings so I lean on him a lot. Usually, the only thing I am in charge of in the morning, besides making my coffee :), is making the boys lunches and laying out the clothes. Once Griffin wakes up, he pretty much demands my entire attention, some mornings worse than others. He doesn't want Greg, he wants me.

We have a pretty good system, overall. We use each other's strengths and weaknesses instead of traditional "I am a woman so I do this" or "I am a man so I do that". Yeah, that wouldn't work for me. And I don't mean that selfishly, I just don't buy into the "traditional" household set up, if traditional is even the right word. We are a very traditional home. Maybe enlightened is a better word. Eh, I don't know.

Before I start making people angry, don't misunderstand me. For us, and I think it is a personal decision for each family, for us, we work best working together instead of all the household tasks being on me and Greg going out and getting the "bacon" every day. For one thing, Greg doesn't leave the house to "go get the bacon" AKA "work". He is self-employed and works from home. He has a flexible schedule. There are some things that we do traditionally...I will always cook and Greg will always be in charge of unclogging the toilets. I mean, that's a no brainer.

Getting back to me being a slacker in the morning....I mean, Greg and I using each other's strengths and weaknesses, ahem. LOL. Other than the first day of school I have never taken Carter to school in the mornings. I have heard Greg talk about it and get a little "tense" when Carter is not ready at exactly 7:08 am so that they can leave and miss most of the traffic. I never really fully understood why he would get so "tense" if they left at 7:12 instead of 7:08. I mean, come on, what's the big deal?

Well, now I understand completely. We live 2 minutes from the school. Carter has to be in his classroom by 7:30. Without having experienced the routine, it was hard for me to understand the difference of leaving 4 minutes later could make. Well, I now understand why they have to leave at a certain time. Let me paint you a picture....the traffic is lined up and the school is still in the distance. You can see the school and you see all the cars worming their way through the parking lot. The backed up cars inch along. You have traffic coming from all directions. To me, the school looks like an ant hill and the cars are all the busy little ants working their way through completing their task. And Greg is right. You need to leave before 7:10 am in order to not be late. Amazing.

Who knew? Greg did, because he does it every day. And he does it very well.

I've got one more day of doing it on my own. It makes me very thankful for my man! I'm thankful that he's self-employed and here at home and is able to help out more. I guess what I am trying to say is I'm thankful that God found just the right guy for me.

But I am SURE missing him in the mornings. Whew. Thursday can't get here soon enough!!! I wonder if he would let me sleep in Thursday morning......hmmmmm. He's been away at a conference, staying at a bed and breakfast and going snow mobiling with the guys.

Yep. I'm sleeping in!

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day! :)

2012-01-24T19:44:00.001-08:00

Okay. I should warn everyone before they read this. I have not had any sugar or processed carbs in 7 days. On top of that, I have pink eye. Of course, I got pink eye from my 6 year old. We were stuck in the house all weekend because pink eye is so contagious. Because it is so contagious, friends can't come over to play. Even for mommy, because mommy's friends usually bring friends to play with Carter. Carter is Contagious, with a capital "C".

So I am having a bad day. I want to whine and complain, but I can't. I am too blessed and I know it.

There is a lot of "stuff" going on at our house. Lots of changes on the horizon, all good. Just change can be very stressful so on top of that, being sick and having sick kids just adds to the stress.

But, this is life and we are truly blessed. As I sit here, it hits me that even when I have a bad day, it is much better than someone else's day in a third world country. Actually, even in this country, my bad day does not compare to what others have to go through.

So, instead of whining and complaining about my Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (okay, that is so exaggerating, but I love that book!) I have decided to put warm compresses on my eyes, fix me a cup of decaf instead of a snack, and think about all the GOOD things going on in my life. And how blessed we really are.

One of the things I am thankful for and truly blessed with is a GREAT husband. I mean, he gets me, he loves me, and we laugh a lot, because we get each other, you know. :) I think that is the best part and maybe it's just because you live with someone, but the longer you are together you can truly read each other's thoughts or what they are about to say. In fact, tonight, Greg and I repeated the exact same sentence to one of our sons at the same time. It happens all the time.

As a counselor, I get to hear about people's "stuff". Sometimes I hear really bad stuff about relationships. I had one of those appointments last Thursday when I guy came in discussing ending his marriage. I came home and was talking about it with Greg, and, without saying anything about the client's situation, I will just say that he has gone through things that have never been an issue with us. Marriage isn't easy, but I feel Greg and I have been blessed. Of course, we were 34 years old when we got married, so at that age, I am thankful we got it right! LOL.

Last Friday night was a clear reminder to me how well meshed we are. We had kept Carter home from school but didn't know for sure if he had pink eye yet, or not. We had been stuck in the house all day and were ready to get out. I have been eating pretty healthy and had been snacking on raw veggies before we left to go out to eat. Griffin, my two year old LOVES raw veggies. Really. He wanted to try my green pepper, so I let him. He loved them. I was amazed.

Fast forward to the restaurant, as soon as we got there, Griffin started acting kind of strange. Eventually, he just wanted to be held. He didn't have a fever, but was just very lethargic. I mean, what two year old just lays around at a restaurant, mine certainly doesn't. I held Griffin while Greg ate, and Greg took Griffin so I could eat (see, that's a sign of a good husband). Griffin would not eat anything. He would not even drink his sprite. Something was up.

So, we are finishing up rather quickly, realizing that this dinner wasn't turning out to be such a great idea. We try to pay cash for most things and most of the time Greg pays, but he had mentioned in the car that he had limited cash. When the server brought the check, it sat there a minute because I wasn't thinking about our earlier conversation about me paying that night.

So I am eating my burger (with no bun and a side of broccoli, thank you very much) and Greg brings up the check needing to be paid. Then he drops a line from a story I tell about a previous boyfriend, ahem. This ex never paid for anything when we went out and actually asked me to go "Dutch" at an expensive restaurant once, one of our first dates. I am ashamed to even mention that because of course I realize now that that is not how a girl deserves to be treated, but what can I say? I was young.

So all Greg does is drop this line. He is sitting to the far left across from me. Griffin is in his lap and Greg is rocking him back and forth ( I don't think there is anything more sexy!). I chuckle and take another line from that story and lay it on him. We both crack up. Basically, making a joke about me paying for dinner. Har, har, har. It's okay if you don't think it's funny. You had to be there. It was hilarious!

I just had to sit back and think, wow. How blessed we are. Not lucky, blessed. I mean, he gets me. We get each other. And we get each other's sense of humor, which is the best. If you can't laugh with someone, well, that would be a very bane existence. So we laughed and I started to pay the check all the while reveling in what a man I have.

Then Griffin threw up.

All over Greg.

It was disgusting.

We were in a restaurant with two kids, puke went everywhere, all over Greg and Griffin, and the booth. Ugh. Griffin looked a little confused, like, "what just happened". This was his first projectile experience, soooo glad he decided to do it in a public restaurant. (groan).

So, after we "attempted" to clean Griffin and Greg up, we paid the bill and left. The staff was great, but I was more than embarrassed!!

But you know what we did all the way home? Greg and I laughed. I told him he smelled, bad. I can't even remember all we laughed about, all I remember was wrapping Griffin's jacket in a giant napkin and putting it in the back of the car and having to roll the windows down on the way home because I was about to gag.

And I just kept thinking, wow, not every guy can handle being thrown up on and keep his sense of humor. Griffin was very happy in the back seat sucking down his sprite. I guess the green peppers didn't agree with him. He was fine once he threw up. We got home and he had some Chicken and Stars soup and was great.

So, in the middle of all the sickness and not feeling well, this is what I'm thinking about tonight.

Greg, not throw up. Ha!

And it makes me smile!!!!

There is a time and season for everything....

2012-01-18T18:19:00.000-08:00

My husband is watching a very, VERY bad end-of-the-world type movie. Ugh. I could go in the other room and watch something else, but the movie is SO bad that it's hard to take my eyes of off it completely. Of course, my husband is intrigued by it, all the while making fun of the impossible, near death experiences this family seems to keep overcoming over and over again.

So I decided to blog about my big boy's birthday this past week. Forgive me for waxing sentimental, but my baby is now SIX.

I really don't have a lot of words to express how I feel. I am very thankful that I am a mom. I know it's the hardest job I have ever had, being a parent, and sometimes I feel very inadequate to be in "charge" of someone elses life. But, I talk about that a lot, no need to rehash my shortcomings. I am thankful they are covered! I don't have to be Carter (or Griffin's) perfect parent. I gave up on that a long time ago. I just need to be me, keep working on me, and be on my knees....A LOT! If nothing else, parenthood keeps you on your knees.

So, I started looking at pictures and decided to just do a timeline of his past birthdays. Starting with the day of his birth, his official "birth" day.

Here we are. A family of three. January 16, 2006. I had no idea how tired I could be....

Here is a very excited one year old. He really didn't get into his cake...we had to stage it. LOL.

It was so hard picking a picture for this one...but here he is at 2!

Okay, so this is not a picture of his actual birthday party, but this is how we found him sleeping in his toddler bed the night before his birthday. Too cute. My busy little boy, always moving, even in his sleep

This is Carter turning 4 and boycotting our singing happy birthday to him. LOL. This is classic Carter.

Awww.....was this just last year? Carter at his party with the cow from Chick fil A.

And this was this past weekend. He looks so big. He talks so big. He's in Kindergarten. He's learning write. He can read. He has lots of friends. And he's doing great.

Amazing. Blessed. See, the words just don't really, can't really, express what I feel.

I just feel love. Big love. Love I don't deserve. Love I want to treasure more.

Life isn't perfect. But, I'm not complaining. I am amazingly blessed and very thankful for this season....even if it sometimes sounds otherwise!

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven. Ecc. 3:1

Just Cry

2012-01-06T09:45:00.000-08:00

As you guys know, I went to Haiti in December. I am still trying to process everything that happened while we were on that trip and what to do with the hole that these orphans opened up in my heart. I haven’t written a lot about Haiti, and I won’t be discussing Haiti much today, except to use something that happened on that trip which sparked the need for this post.

First, I need to give a little background information. There are two families who are currently adopting from the orphanage in Haiti that went on this trip with us. One family both the husband and wife were able to come on the trip and this would be the husband’s first time meeting his son. The other family, the wife had been the previous month or so and this was the husband’s turn to come. Both families were able to bring their “children” back to the guest house, they were with us about 36 hours, including an overnight stay.

It was awesome seeing these families bond. You couldn’t help but smile at them bonding as families. Both families are adopting boys so there was a lot of playing catch, laughing, tickling, etc. Sheldon and little Bobby ate and ate and ate. We went to the beach Wednesday morning. There was lots of love in the air. I snapped this picture of Sheldon and his mommy, Jeannie, on the beach.

Then the most gut-wrenching, painful thing I have every experienced, outside of my miscarriages, occurred. We had to return the boys to the orphanage. This was on a Wednesday. We would return to the orphanage on Thursday, and then head home first thing Friday morning. We had spent all Wednesday afternoon at the orphanage and at 5:00 pm it was time to get on the bus and leave. I hadn’t realized, like most of us, what was going to happen, until it started happening.

I got on the bus after saying goodbye to my girls and saw our friends sitting on the bus in a tearful huddle. I looked outside and saw Josiah, who is a staff member at our church, taking the little boy who this family was adopting, Sheldon, away from the bus. I sat down in shock. This family was being torn apart. The little boy was screaming for his mama and his papa. He didn’t like being restrained. The couple on the bus, JC and Jeannie, were in a puddle of tears, they were holding onto each other, clinging, and watching as Sheldon was being taken away, screaming.

I started crying, others on the bus started crying. Eventually, they put Sheldon in the church so that Josiah could get on the bus. JC and Jeannie continued crying. Sheldon was able to “escape” from the church as we were pulling out. I told JC and Jeannie not to look. He was screaming, crying out for them, running towards the bus, and had, again, to be restrained.

After we left the orphanage we went to eat at a restaurant, as we did every night. I wasn’t really hungry and we were all emotionally spent. The mood was heavy. We didn’t really talk very much. After church, where JC was able to stand up and give his testimony of why he was in Haiti (which was an amazing testimony of Christ in their life), we went back to the guest house. Each night we had a debriefing and even though it was later than usual I was glad we were having it because of all nights, we needed to debrief. So many emotions had been present that day. Not only had we had to leave the boys behind, but in giving out shoes to the children that day, mass chaos had erupted among the children, and some of the team members were all but mobbed by children wanting to make sure they got shoes. What had happened was that children who had already received shoes came back in to get multiple pairs, leaving some children not receiving shoes at all. This really upset some team members.

Tami, one of our team leaders had asked me to help out during the debriefing since I am a counselor. I encouraged everyone to talk about their feelings whatever they were. JC and Jeannie were resting in the best place they could, their Saviour, Jesus Christ. It was obvious He was their ultimate comfort in all of this and they were clinging to Him as much as they were to each other. I was extremely impressed with their walk with Christ and it made me wish I had that same strength when I had walked through previous, difficult times.

At the same time, I knew what I was feeling, and wanted to make sure people understood that their feelings were ok. JC and Jeannie could be angry in this moment, and still be surrendered to all that God had called them too. I wasn’t specifically pointing them out, but of all the people present in that circle, JC and Jeannie had the right to be angry; to scream out at the injustice of not knowing when Sheldon was going to be theirs; to be frustrated. The other members who were mobbed by kids may have felt panic, fear, frustration. I told them it really didn’t matter what emotion they were feeling, whoever was feeling what, but that it was ok to feel that emotion, that anger, frustration, etc. are not wrong. We are human and we all feel. I didn’t want people to gloss over what they were feeling because what they were feeling may have felt “wrong” or “unchristian”.

I didn’t really do a good job, I feel, explaining what I was trying to explain. And it has bugged me ever since that debriefing. Not a lot of people talked, but I wasn't surprised. Everybody deals with stress and feelings differently. I know I don't open up even in the safest of situations. But, it was difficult to gauge if what I said had been helpful or not. I just said what I thought was important to say and moved on. I didn’t really get to explain, in depth, what I was talking about when I talked about being angry and having feelings and learning to deal with those feelings instead of suppressing them.

We ended our trip in Haiti on a high note. The last day was not as difficult leaving both boys behind as it had been the previous day. The next day we went home.
Every now and then I would think about that debrief and wish that I could have said something different, or gone more in depth with explaining what I was trying to explain. But, for the most part, I didn’t think about it too much.

Then I bought Mandisa’s current CD, What If We Were Real. It is amazing. I feel like Mandisa and I have a lot in common. We share a common struggle. We have both experienced pain in life, I have no idea what her pain is, but she is very open about her struggle with food. The songs on this album are real. They are transparent. And there was one song in particular that spoke EXACTLY what I wish I could have said at the debrief, or if I had known this song was out, I would have found it and played it before our debrief. The song is entitled, “Just Cry”.

I am going to list the lyrics at the bottom of this post. But the words that screamed out to me were what, I feel, I failed at communicating appropriately at that debrief. And that was that Jesus can handle your honesty. In fact, He already knows what you are feeling and it is better to feel what you are feeling than to push it down, because you feel you might be questioning His authority. He can handle your questions. He can handle your honesty. He’s got it. It doesn’t mean He isn’t on his throne or that you don’t believe He isn’t working it out for your good. But sometimes, man, you just gotta cry. You have to cry out. Sometimes there are no words. There is just pain. Jesus wants you to know that IT IS OKAY to feel. He made you. He knows you still believe in Him and trust Him. He can handle your honesty.

Again, the burden that was on my heart that night wasn’t geared toward any one person. But I know what I was feeling, and I knew I couldn’t be the only one. I wasn’t shaking my fist at God, but I didn’t understand why things happen the way they happen. I felt frustration and anger. Maybe I was the only one? I don’t know I am just thankful that He loves me no matter what I think or feel. He can handle my honesty. And He can handle yours too.

So, I hope these lyrics help you as they have helped me. To know that I can hit rock bottom so that Jesus can pick me up and heal all the broken pieces. But before He can do that I have to acknowledge that I am broken and ___________(insert appropriate feeling). If you gloss over the feeling you are not being true to yourself or to God. He can handle your honesty. Trust Him.
And please pray for JC, Jeannie and Sheldon. And pray for the Huber’s and their little Bobby.

Neither family knows when they will be able to bring their precious children home.

To follow JC, Jeannie and Sheldon’s journey, follow their blog HERE.

"Just Cry"

Why you gotta act so strong?
Go ahead and take off your brave face
Why you telling me that nothing's wrong
It's obvious your not in a good place
Who's telling you to keep it all inside
And never let those feelings
Get past the corner of your eye

You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It maybe tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight it's alright
Just cry

I know you know your Sunday songs
A dozen verses by memory
Yeah they're good but life is hard
And days get long
You gotta know God can handle your honesty
So feel the things your feeling
Name your fears and doubts
Don't stuff your shame and sadness, loneliness and anger
Let it out, let it out

You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It maybe tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight it's alright

Just cry
Just cry

It doesn't mean you don't trust him
It doesn't mean you don't believe
It doesn't mean you don't know
He's redeeming everything.

You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It maybe tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight it's alright
But tonight it's alright

Just cry

Why you gotta act so strong
Go ahead and take off your brave face

To Santa or not to Santa....

2011-12-24T06:03:00.000-08:00

This is a re-post from last year....just my thoughts on Santa.

From December 2010

Ugh. The season is upon us. The crazy, busy, relentless time of year when we have so many thing pulling us in many different directions and the most important, significant things--like, say the birth of Christ--is kept in the background.

I am all about keeping Christmas simple, however, the world around us makes it very difficult. And, unless you want to make your kids feel like they have been raised under a rock, I feel, we, to a certain degree, must choose to participate in the whirlwind ride that we now know as Christmas. I am mainly talking about the expectations like, gifts for people, going to open houses, Christmas parties galore and eating lots of food that is just not that good for us.

You know, I would really love to write some meaningful, significant prose about the true meaning of Christmas. The reason will celebrate. I would hope that by writing about it, it would turn our hearts back to Christ and the simplicity of the season. But the thing is there are lots of books out there that tell you to do that. You can read scripture and be reminded of the humble beginnings of our Lord and Savior. The reason for the season.

But for me, I realize that unless I have a heart change about the season, it's really not going to make anything different. It's not going to make the Christmas carol we sing in church become any more alive. Where is the awe and the wonder? The magic and hope?

In that same respect, taking all commercial aspects of Christmas out of my house will not make me worship the Savior any more than keeping them in will. It still has to do with the heart.

This leads me to something I have wanted to write about for a while. Hopefully, no one will take offense. I am not saying one view point is right and one is wrong (because it is a personal decision). I can't quote scripture or tell you how you should celebrate Christmas in your home. There are arguments on both sides of the issue.

However, that being said, I really don't understand why Santa gets such a bad rap? Taking Santa, or any other commercial aspect of this season, out of the picture is not really going to change my heart. I can be just as in love with Jesus and tell my boys about Santa and go take them to get their picture made with him every year (which I do). I don't worry that by telling them about Santa they are just going to remember me lying to them....and if I lie to them about this fable, then, what's keeping me from lying about something else? Like God's love.

Please. Let me tell you, I grew up in one of the most legalistic church environments ever. I mean, I had no idea that God's grace was sufficient, but I did know that if I sinned he was keeping track of those and holding them against me (which is not true, but it was my perception). And lots of things counted as sin, or "worldly", such as wearing pants, listening to secular music....even listening to certain CHRISTIAN music was taught against. So, I know a thing or two about legalism.

I don't remember what our church taught about Santa growing up? If there was an opinion given, I have no idea now what it was. I did have friends whose parents rejected any commercial aspect of Christmas and refused to celebrate it, including having a tree and if you had to get them a gift, please get them underwear. Heaven forbid you actually have fun thinking about your family and get something meaningful. That was just too "worldly". We were fundamentalists, we had standards to uphold. LOL!

In my house, we believed in Santa. I can remember our first Christmas in Tennessee, maybe the second. Family was visiting from Florida and my cousin and I were looking out the window on Christmas Eve looking for Santa and his reindeer. I remember the presents from Santa and baking the cookies and seeing if the cookies were gone Christmas morning. I remember the excitement. The wonder. The memories.

However, Santa always had his place and he was never the center of attention, Jesus was. We talked more about Jesus birth and the reason for the season than we ever did about Santa. Santa was part of the celebration, but he wasn't the main event. Jesus was. And that's all I want to be able to do for my children. I don't feel like I need to take Santa out of the picture to draw them closer to Jesus.

I have an almost five year old that is full of questions. Believe me, he wants to know why we celebrate Christmas. And we tell him. We tell him the true meaning. We share with him the Christmas story. We bake a cake for Jesus the week of Christmas. He knows the songs about Jesus in a manger and why Jesus came, which was because of His great love for US. So, I get excited when Carter talks about Jesus. Jesus is the primary focus of the season in our house. But until Carter asks Jesus into his heart, he is not going to get the true meaning of Christmas, of Christ's birth. And more importantly, why He came as He did, to be the ultimate sacrifice for our sins and to do what no other self-proclaimed savior has done....rise from the dead.

But I have to say that as we were decorating the Christmas tree the other day and night had fallen and Carter looked out the window and said, " I wonder if we can see Santa up in the sky" my heart melted. The excitement. The wonder. The belief in Santa. I loved it. It didn't break my heart because we had already been talking about Jesus. Those seeds have been planted and my prayer is that when the time is right, Carter will come to know Christ, preferably at a young age.

I don't remember when I stopped believing in Santa. It obviously wasn't that traumatic. I have never felt lied to or deceived by my parents for telling me about this fairy tale. It was fun. It had it's place. And it is magical.

I never, ever tell Carter that he better be good because Santa is watching. I don't ever use getting Christmas presents as a way to control my son's behavior. In fact, I cringe when parents do that. That is one aspect I don't agree with. Good behavior should be expected regardless of the season and it should be learned, not used as a bribe. I want my kid to learn self-control from the heart, not because Santa won't bring him any presents if he misbehaves.

The thing is, I respect my friends or people I know who choose not to make Santa part of their kids lives. I mean, who am I to tell you that you are overreacting? There is no right or wrong answer here. I guess the most important thing to remember in all of it is the HEART. Because no matter how holy you think you are making Christmas, if you just take away things and don't focus on the heart, then all you are doing is making a statement for the purpose of being different. And being different doesn't make you holy. Having a relationship with Jesus Christ makes you holy.

So, that's my feeling about Santa. I think he has his place. He is not the centerpiece. Having Santa in the celebration of Christmas doesn't make me any closer to the Lord, just as leaving him out doesn't bring me any closer to the Lord. The heart is the matter.

Returned from Haiti

2011-12-22T11:20:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone,

I cannot believe the whole month of December has passed and I have not posted here. I have had a lot on my mind and I am going to be sharing it in the next few weeks....on a more regular basis.

Today, I wanted to talk about Haiti and share my blog post that I posted for my church. I will also share our other team members blogs from that week. In case you have forgotten, I went to Haiti on a mission trip with my church December 10-16th. We served in an orphanage that is supported by our church.

I hope it will give you an insight into Haiti. It is a beautiful country with beautiful people that are in great, dire need. Especially the children, who are the innocent ones to suffer from man's corrupt nature.

Here is a look into our week.

December Team Update
Here is the first update from our December Haiti team. They are sharing the Good News with our kids this week! Please pray for them as they teach the children about the birth of our Savior! Susan Mayo wrote the post below, this is her first mission trip to Haiti.

My first day in Jeremie, Haiti By: Susan Mayo

I have been asked to write about my first day in Haiti. I was quite apprehensive about coming. I am married and have two small children. My husband, Greg, came on a construction team three months after the earthquake, so I had seen his pictures and heard his stories. Still, being a mom and leaving small children to travel internationally to a third world country, I had to really consider the risks and benefits. That’s how I looked at it anyway. I have lives dependent on me and I love them very much. But God made it clear that this was the trip for me. Despite all the apprehension I decided to go, trusting the Lord and His leading.

Even though I have never been to a third world country, I have seen poverty. I have seen hungry children living in squalor, it just happened to be in the United States. I am a counselor and one of my first jobs out of grad school had me going into homes providing intensive therapy to families. Most of these families were poor. Obviously, the poor in Haiti are much poorer, much more in need. But, with each job that I took I found myself in homes that were in very shady and dangerous parts of town, and communities where there was great need. I always worked with children, who were reaping the consequences of difficult life based on lack of resources, education and poor choices.

I am saying all this because I felt I had been exposed to poverty and had a pretty good idea what that looked like and I think that prepared me for this trip somewhat better than others who have never been exposed to poverty. And with that exposure comes a bit of a hardened heart. Call it protection, call it callousness, but there is an outer coating to the heart that comes year after year of working with those in need. Otherwise, your heart breaks over and over again, and you have a job to do and sometimes the feelings can be overwhelming so you look at it very business like, learning how not to feel the pain of others. I mean the Bible tells us the poor will always be with us, right? So do what you can and what you have been called to do, but don’t get too close.

But even with all that protection built up, nothing can prepare you for children whose bellies are protruding from hunger. I had worked with hungry children in America, but they had a school system that fed them at least two meals a day. And even though I have worked with homeless children, we have an organized government that at least attempts to provide for those with less resources and access to education. There are also programs, ministries, soup kitchens, nonprofits, etc. There is still a need, but at least we have an organized way of providing for those in need.

In Haiti, there is no safety net. There is no government that attempts to look out for it’s own. From what I understand it is corrupt. So, people are so poor that poor doesn’t even describe what they are. Abject poverty doesn’t really seem to cover it either. They are people. Human lives. And they are hungry. They are dirty and live in conditions that I find repulsive. No running water. No electricity. I saw sewage running in the street along with all the trash because they don’t have any ways to dispose of their waste. Hungry, malnourished children were visible at every corner. This was both in Port Au Prince and the city of Jeremie, which is where Long Hollow’s orphanage is located.

Then we went to the orphanage. That is a very overwhelming experience. The children rushed the bus. Eager to love and be loved on. I have never experienced anything like that. And as I walked through the orphanage, I was amazed that this is considered the “good life” for them. They have a place to stay, food to eat, people to care for them and more importantly, they learn about Jesus. But, it’s not the Ritz. I think someone referred to it as the “Haitian Ritz” last night. I mean, it isn’t much, but it is one hundred times better than if they were living on the street.

The children are dirty and they smell. But I didn’t care. I was covered in dirt from head to toe when I left that orphanage and that was nothing compared to what filth these children had lived in before coming to the orphanage. Here they could bathe and have different clothes to change into. They have food every day. They are in school, learning. And they learn about Jesus every day. Even though they don’t have an earthly father they now have the opportunity to personally know an eternal Father who will never leave them or forsake them, no matter what lot in life they have been given.

To us it might not seem like much, but to them it’s everything. I am still soaking everything in. Processing it. I am open, ready for God to move in my heart; the same heart that I have been attempting to protect for so long. He brought me here for a reason, I know this, and I don’t want to mess this up. So, I continue to watch, listen and wait. But I have a feeling I’m not going to have to look very far for my object lesson.

Getting Along

2011-11-29T12:24:00.000-08:00

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving last week with my mom in Missouri. The boys did great in the car, especially coming back. It's amazing to me to see as Griffin gets older how much the dynamic between he and Carter is changing....sometimes not for the better. Often, though, it is for the good. I really love seeing them love each other and on each other and miss each other when the other one isn't around. But, sometimes, they can't stand each other! Already! At age almost 6 and 2 1/2 I can see the anger and the rage!

Sibling Rivalry. Ugh. Carter has always been a little jealous of Griffin. Can't say that I blame him. Carter was the main dude for a whole three years before Griffin popped up. Then, this other kid starting getting the attention. Now that Griffin is bigger, and still awfully cute and doing awfully cute things, I can see Carter become jealous over the attention he receives. We have tried really hard to pay equal attention and have special time with Carter, but, you know, it's impossible to do everything perfectly.

It's humorous to see sometimes how much Carter will act out to get my attention. Especially if Griffin has done something new or uses new words. I mean, it's a special time. We thought it was just as special when Carter did it, it's just he doesn't remember.

But Carter still talks in baby talk sometimes or wants to crawl around like a little baby. We ignore it for the most part because that would be feeding him negative attention. I really try to point out when he is doing good things. We talk about all the things he can do that Griffin can't do.

But, that is beginning to change because Griffin is getting close to doing everything Carter can do and we can't use that anymore. Even potty training. In the next few months, Griffin (hopefully, dear Lord!) will have mastered that. Griffin will always be younger than Carter but he may not necessarily be smaller.

So, we are now faced with the conundrum of teaching our boys how to get along. I want them to learn to get along even if they disagree. But, that is a big task. Kind of like eating an elephant...you just do it one bite at a time. Several "experts" have differing opinions on how to help siblings get along, some are more promising than others.

I am encouraged to know that Greg and I don't have to be perfect. We aren't perfect and we will make mistakes. I am very encouraged to hear that people who grew up greatly disliking their siblings are now best friends with them. Others still carry hurts from painful experiences growing up with an older sibling. But, more often than not, I hear positives. I am encouraged by that.

When I get overwhelmed with the latest issue that is popping up in parenting my boys I usually deal with it one or two ways. I sit and worry and get overwhelmed more, and get anxious, then end up taking it out on the people I love. Then, I come to my senses (and the end of myself) and pray. You would think after doing this a few times that I would automatically go to prayer about it but I must be hard headed because I almost always fret and worry and try and figure it out on my own until I end up surrendering.

All the experts and books in the world cannot make me be a perfect parent. Hindsight is always 20/20. I am thankful that GOD has given me everything I need to be the best parent I can be, according to His word. If it seems like I say that a lot, well, it's because I need to be reminded of it....a lot. And when I talk to moms and hear their stories, it resonates within me that they need to hear it too.

Whatever you are dealing with, whether it be teaching kids how to get along, dealing with developmental issues with your kids, school problems, teen pregnancy. Whatever. I can tell you this. You can't fix it.

There is no amount of worrying over something, fretting, losing sleep that will help you deal with that issue any better. Like the song that Laura Story has out, called, "Blessings", sometimes those hurts and tears and sleepless nights are how God gets our attention and lets us know that He hears us. It just leads us (me) closer to the end of myself where I can say, honestly, I give up.

So instead of worrying about whether Carter and Griffin are going to get along when they are older or if we are going to be able to instill in them the ability to solve problems without hitting someone first, lol, I think I will just give it up in prayer.

What about you?

Don't forget about Thanksgiving

2011-11-17T10:44:00.001-08:00

It seems like this happens earlier and earlier each year. Thanksgiving is almost forgotten. I mean, we all still celebrate it, or "eat" for it, but it seems we rush to Christmas before it even feels Christmas-y in the air! I mean, I know people who have put up their Christmas decorations already

We are old fashioned around here when it comes to Christmas (or, as my friend, Roxanne, used to tell me, I was a "bah-humbug"! LOL. We don't put up Christmas decorations until well into December. I usually don't have a lot of my shopping done until December, except this year, I do have to say I am ahead of the game!! But, we are also attempting to keep Christmas simple, and that always helps in the gift departments.

Anyway, even I am jumping ahead to Christmas when I want to give Thanksgiving a boost! I guess it just naturally happens sometimes.

This year we are traveling to Springfield, MO on Thanksgiving, to see my mom and her husband, Charles. The last time we made it there Carter was six months old. It's been a while. My husband and I always joke that there is no easy way to drive to Springfield, but it has gotten better over the past few years. We actually get interstate and 4-lane highways as opposed to the lovely 2-lane roads. It's about a seven hour trip....without children.

Did you notice that? With children, well, who knows. It really depends on the mood of the children the day of travel. Or whether or not you have itty bitty babies who have to eat (and poop) often.

We are in a fortunate phase right now, the boys will watch movies in the back of the car, a special treat for long road trips, only!! I hope to have my new iPhone 4S by then (special birthday gift from my hubby today. Had to order it so I probably will get it Monday). Anyway, a smart phone with ear buds make a long trip more bearable for any mommy. And my poor husband, the driver, will be making the ultimate sacrifice. No ear buds, listening to Calliou or Cars 2, depending on which child gets to pick the movie at the moment.

I guess I could be nice and talk to my husband on the road trip, but my goodness, we are not big talkers. You give us a good hour and we would have everything covered. What are we supposed to talk about for the next six hours? He's an architect and I really don't want to hear about the latest way to resurface kitchen cabinets. And I am sure he doesn't want to hear about the latest therapy technique that I am learning about. He still gets narcolepsy and narcissism mixed up, which, there is a really funny story that goes along with that, but, again, I digress.

We will get through our long road trip, and back, and have made some special memories with Nana and Grandpa Charles. We will survive. We will have fun. Yes. This is the thing to do, think positively.

I hope you guys have a wonderful, blessed Thanksgiving. And an even better Black Friday, if you participate in the madness.

But don't forget about Thanksgiving. The real reason it is a National holiday. It's more than turkey and Indians and great shopping deals. It's a time to reflect on the many, many blessings YOU (and I) have. We are tremendously blessed. Most of us have food, a roof over our heads, income coming in, family support. If you live in America, even below the poverty line, you are more blessed than three-fourths of the world population.

Think about it. Times might be hard, but they could be a LOT worse. Take a minute and thank God for allowing you to be born and raised in America.

God Bless America

The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

2011-10-24T13:40:00.000-07:00

I was just reading this blog online and wanted to share it with you guys! I can tell you I have so been there with this, and haven't we all?

http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/10242011losing-my-patience-when-i-need-it-most/

None of us want to carry on the negative traits we learned from our parents, however, if that is all you saw and knew, it will take re-learning and lots of prayer to change. But it can happen.

Obviously, this is written from a secular position, but I know the ONLY thing that keeps me from turning "into my mother" is Jesus.

I know that I can be the best mother that He would have me to be when I depend on him. If situations would bring to me knees in prayer instead of reactions, I could yield victory! But, I'm human and I'm going to make mistakes.

That's also where Jesus comes in. Grace. Mercy. And another chance. I may not be the perfect mom and I may have some not-so-shining moments....but I know that I am growing and learning and praying and keeping on. The Lord knew that these kids would be perfect for me. He designed me to have these children. Who am I to say that I will screw them up? There are no screw ups in Jesus' family. None.

So take heart on those bad days. Days when you raise your voice, punish too harshly rather than discipline (teach) and lose your patience. It's gonna happen. And the Lord will cover it all. He knows your heart. He knows what will keep you on your knees!

Every perfect gift comes from Him! And He thought you were special enough to receive this gift, He is going to walk with you through every step of the journey.

Help me get to Haiti!

2011-10-11T11:31:00.000-07:00

I have stepped out in faith after feeling called to go on a mission trip this December to Haiti. I need your help to get there. The total cost of the trip is $2,000.00. If you feel led, and want to help me get there, you can send me a check to my home address made out to Long Hollow Baptist Church, with my name, plus "Haiti" in the memo line. This makes your check a tax deductible donation. Even if you cannot donate monetarily, I appreciate many prayers as I prepare for this trip and as I go and for the entire team.

Please send your tax deductible donation to my home address:

Susan Mayo
1015 Stirlingshire Drive
Hendersonville, TN 37075

THANK YOU just doesn't seem appropriate enough to say what I am feeling; but it is overflowing in my heart!

I'm Diving In!!!!

2011-10-06T08:04:00.001-07:00

That's what I keep telling myself! I have recently committed to taking a mission trip to Haiti in December with my church. I felt the Lord leading me to go on a mission trip, not necessarily Haiti, but I knew I was being led in the direction of going on a mission trip.

After looking at our church sponsored trips, it didn't take long for me to gravitate toward Haiti.

Our church takes a trip just about every other month there. We (our church) has built an orphanage there. My husband went to Haiti shortly after the earthquake in 2010. At our church there are pictures of the orphans that are under our care. Their happy, smiling faces posted on our wall, reminding us how blessed we are and what a blessing these children are to us and especially to God. He loves them, as He loves us. We just happened to have been born in a country that is extremely blessed, as opposed to Haiti, which is poor, desolate, steeped in Voodoo religion.He has not forgotten them. But, he has commanded His church to take care of them. And for too long, the church body, as a whole, was not doing it's job.

The king (God)will answer them, 'I tell you with certainty, since you did it
for one of the least important of these brothers of mine, you did it for me.
Matthew 25:40 ISV

If we were to look at the entire parable spoken above (Matthew 25:31-46) we would see that Jesus was talking about ministering to those who are in need: hungry, thirsty, needing a home, the sick, and visiting and ministering to those who have not.

The funny thing is, I still struggled with making a decision to GO. To commit to going, because I knew once I committed it was done. I don't turn back from something once I have committed to it. So, I had to think it through. Was this God's will....the timing, this trip, etc. I mean, if I wasn't supposed to be there for this particular time, I sure wouldn't want to make people live with me for a week if I were miserable in a third world country. I mean, I already know I'm not going to have a good cup of coffee for a week...it could just go downhill from there! LOL.

All kidding aside, I really don't know what the struggle was, but it was a struggle I needed to go through. The Lord showed me very clearly this was where he was leading me. That I know. However, the feelings of fear and of the unknown are rampant in my mind and I think of that as a good thing. It means I am getting out of my comfort zone. If this trip was comfortable, there would be no reason to GO!

So, I go. Taking a leap of faith. I feel like I am so superficial, so dependant on common comforts, prideful, I could just go on and on. However, this trip really isn't about me. That's the whole point maybe God is making. It's not about me or a good cup of coffee. It's about going to the least of these.

Everyone says I will never be the same after I take this trip. I'm kind of looking forward to that. Cause some days, I just don't like the me I see.

Please pray for me and the team going to Haiti December 10-16th, 2001. I will be adding more information later on how you can donate online to help me get to Haiti. In the meantime, you may donate through snail mail. Make a donation with a check made out to Long Hollow Baptist Church. PLEASE make sure you put MY name in the memo so the funds get allocated to me.

My home address is:

Susan Mayo
1015 Stirlingshire Drive
Hendersonville, TN 37075

Thank you in advance for helping me get there!

It's FRIDAY and....

2011-09-23T08:26:00.001-07:00

The first day of fall. It is actually cool outside. I am exhausted because it is the end of a very busy week. Waiting to wake up because I know another cup of coffee really won't help. LOL. But it sure is tempting.

I attempted to snuggle with Griffin in our bed this morning, but he's 2 1/2....
I guess you can figure out how that went. LOL.

What are your plans this weekend?It's another busy one for us. Looks like it will be Sunday before we get some downtime....I love vegging out, taking a nap, turning everything electronic off for a while, or just letting the TV do our thinking for us some nights.

It is essential to living in this world to have downtime. Especially now when everything is "viral" and at our disposal 24/7.

I'm addicted to my smartphone. I admit it. The other day I was looking at facebook in the car while waiting at a red light....I got to thinking....I wonder what I did to occupy my time (the whole THREE minutes) while waiting for the light to turn green....I mean, I spent twenty plus years driving with nothing but the radio or a CD, or a friend or loved one, to occupy my time at a three minute stop light.

I wonder if we would have to have so much downtime if we weren't so "globally" and "electronically" wired these days. I mean, really, did the pioneers have to crawl into their beds once the kids went to sleep and veg out on Friday nights to recoup from the busy week. Yeah, I didn't think so.

I think is is all about moderation. It is a saying a strictly believe in. In fact, moderation is hinted at in the Bible...

"Everything is permissible"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything
is permissible"--but not everything is constructive. 1 Corinthians
10-23

Another verse that I like to go along that is found in Ecclesiates 3, vs. 1

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens...

Now, does that mean I have free reign to do whatever I want? Of course not. I believe we live in a digital age for a reason and a purpose. You can use these things for good or evil. I hope I'm choosing for good.

Of course, checking facebook a gazillion times a day is not always beneficial. I am talking to myself, here, no one else.

I know some people who completely turn off electronic devices for 24 hours at a time. I know people who "fast" from certain things they consider are distracting them from their real purpose. I have fasted from facebook for Lent. It was hard. But, it was easier than detoxing from coffee for two weeks, let me tell you that!

Then I know people who completely shy away from facebook and twitter. They find reasons like marriages failing, affairs occurring, friendships broken up (you just think you deleted that email from facebook but they got the notification in their personal email inbox...oops).

I don't know what they answer is. I just know that sometimes a break is good. Facebook and Twitter are definintely being used for good (and can be used for evil). I prefer to stay on the good side.

If you are interested in learning more about advancing the Kingdom using modern technology, I highly recommend reading "Sticky Jesus", written by Tami Heim and Toni Birdsong.

To learn more about being "sticky" using social media, check out THEIR website!

Using all this stuff in moderation, being intentional and "sticky" and taking a healthy break. Yep. I think I will try this out and put it into practice. How 'bout you?

Free Online Blogging Workshop!

2011-09-19T13:18:00.000-07:00

◦Do you want to attend a FREE blogging workshop online? You can! Just visit this page and follow the instructions: DIY Ministry!!!!

"One More" Awana Conference

2011-09-19T12:39:00.001-07:00

I had a great time Saturday in Cordova, TN at the West Tennessee Region's Awana conference. Greg was able to go with me and we left on Friday night and had a beautiful gift basket waiting for us at our hotel as we checked in from TJ and Kathy Sipes, the Awana missionaries for that region.

We started bright and early Saturday at Mid-America Baptist Theological Seminary, which is right across the street from the famed Bellevue Baptist Church. Everyone was super friendly and accommodating and we had some great discussion in our sessions!

If you have an Awana program in your church did you know that you can get the Family Time Training live presentation to the parents in your church at NO COST! NCBP and Awana have a special relationship and because of that relationship NCBP is able to have this amazing offer.

It was a whirlwind weekend, but I was honored to have had the opportunity to speak at this conference!

Crazy, busy, hectic, AACCKKK kind of week ahead!!!

2011-09-12T18:38:00.000-07:00

I am asking for thoughts and prayers this week!

I have two busy days at work on Tuesday and Thursday, very full, which I am thankful for, but then Friday I leave for Memphis to speak at an Awana Conference on Saturday. I am so excited to be speaking and feel privileged to have the opportunity. But this week it will be a battle of balance and sanity for this mom.

There is a lot to do, a lot to prepare for. Depending on whether or not Greg comes with me (we are still figuring that out) I may have to pack up the boys too. I wish I was one of those kind of people who didn't get frazzled. You know who they are. Nothing ever frustrates them. They take everything with a grain of salt. Life could be turning upside down and they are always, like, "whatever". Me, I get frazzled. I hate it.

So, the best thing I know to do is call out to friends and family and ask for thoughts and prayers that everything gets done, that I can prepare to speak and all the other things in life will somewhat cooperate, and if they don't that God will calm this frazzled mom in the midst of the chaos!

Thank you!!!!!

Billy Graham in Quotes- book review

2011-09-09T07:58:00.000-07:00

This is my first booksneeze.com book review and the book I chose was Billy Graham in Quotes, written by Billy Graham's son, Franklin Graham with Donna Lee Toney.

My first impression of this book after looking it over was, wow, it really is just quotes. After the introduction everything you read is categorized by subject and it is from a direct quote from Billy Graham either through speaking or written from his books.

I really enjoyed reading the quotes, which kind of surprised me, I mean, it's a book of quotes. You would think it would get boring after a while, but each subject listed was timely and relevant. I also liked the book of quotes because I like to write and I use inspirational quotes in writing quite often. And this book is full of inspirational quotes and truths from Billy Graham, and he uses scripture to back up what he is talking about.

The only thing I would have changed about the book would be to have some small paragraph or two at the beginning of each subject chapter just to break up the monotony of reading quotes. This book does make me want to read other books by Billy Graham. This book leaves you with wanting more. And maybe that was the point!

New and exciting things!

2011-09-06T13:46:00.000-07:00

Wow! The past few weeks have been crazy hectic.

my firstborn started Kindergarten. Our first parent/teacher conference is tonight. EEK! She said no worries, but I am secretly worried....about nothing in particular. He has done great, I guess I just am fearing the unknown.

My husband and I just got back from a wonderful weekend in Myrtle Beach. First time there. We went with 2 couples who are our closest friends and we left all the kids (8 between us) with relatives. Woo hoo. The weather was gorgeous. The ocean was fabulous. The time alone with my husband was priceless. We couldn't have asked for more.

Tomorrow, the regular fall activities begin at our church. I am teaching a Wednesday night discipleship class on parenting. It's a 12 week study entitled Parenting is Heart Work. If that name sounds familiar, it is. This is a more in-depth study of the parenting seminar that I do through NCBP. I am really excited as I have never done this study in-depth. I am really looking forward to it.

Tomorrow morning starts our church's mom group, called iMom. It stands for Intentional Mom. If you live in the middle Tennessee area follow this LINK to learn more about iMom.

Whew.

Last week I was so exhausted. I mean, my brain was tired. We were preparing to leave on this trip. I took too much on, as usual. I say this because I have a fabulous husband who will help out. He just needs to know I need help and there in lies the rub. Do I ask for help? No.

We didn't take our children, BUT, I had to pack for them because they were staying with relatives. My to-do list was two pages long. I had laundry to do, bags to pack, itineraries to print (which didn't get printed, BTW...)....I could go on and on, but if you are a mom, and you are reading this, I don't need to go on because you know exactly what I am talking about. It takes a lot of work to take a family on vacation, or for even just a weekend getaway. And the smaller your kids, the harder and more "stuff" you have to pack.

Then there are the notes to write. You know, the notes about your children that you are leaving for their caregiver for the weekend. For us, it was grandparents. Now, they have already raised at least one child and he or she survived because it is either YOU or your SPOUSE. Surely, we should give grandparents a little more credit than we give them. If they don't know they exact way little junior likes his sandwich cut up I am POSITIVE that junior will survive the weekend.

But, no. On I went and wrote my notes.

So, it's less than 48 hours before leaving for the beach. My notes are very far from being written down. I have barely begun packing. Still had lots to do. And I was very, very tired. Last Wednesday night I headed off to church. I was so exhausted that I stood at our church's coffee cafe and honestly could not make up my mind between whether I wanted regular coffee or decaf. No one was behind me, so I wasn't being rude or anything, but I told the one gal working there that I couldn't make up my mind. They let me think a minute then another gal came up, thinking I need assistance, and asked me what I wanted. I told her the same thing. I honestly could not make a decision. And I just stood there. My brain was not processing that I needed to make a decision.

I was very close to just giving up and walking away. I was so embarrassed and I shared with the two ladies, "have you ever been so tired that you can't make another decision". Now, I was talking to two women. Women who I was sure most likely had families. Children to care for, schedules to keep up with, etc. etc. They looked at me and nodded in agreement.

Then the lady who had asked me the second time what I wanted said, "what about half and half?" (meaning half caf/half decaf for all you non coffee drinkers out there...)

It was like I heard the hallelujah chorus going off in my head. I mean, it was perfect.

"YES", I said. "That is perfect!!!!"

Hahahahahaha......and it was. It solved my dilemma. It wasn't too much caffeine. It was a solution. And the best part, I didn't have to make the decision.

Life didn't get any easier or less exhausting following that. But it just made me laugh. And a good laugh is what I needed at that moment. And a half-caf, obviously.

Next trip, I am utilizing my husband more and putting EVERYTHING down on that to do list. Because if it's not on the list it gets forgotten. Like our itineraries. And the name of the company that I had a reservation with for the rental car (kind of important information, you know, when you need to pick up your car) and other small little things that got left behind or not done.

Life it too short not to ask for help. To prioritize what is important. And, to let go and forgive yourself when you mess up.

As we say, it all works/worked out in the end.

And it does.

The next time you are too tired to make a decision, then don't. Your body is telling you that you are done. Go get your husband. Call the grandparents. Go ask for some help even if it means calling a friend who is just as busy as you and asking them for H-E-L-P.

Do it. Ask for help. You just might get exactly what you need when you do!

Um...Uh....and other awkward moments!

2011-08-15T13:37:00.001-07:00

So I have a five and half year old boy who has been asking questions about sex for a while. Now, when I say sex, I mean age appropriate questions for his age, like, "how was I born" "how did I get into mommy's tummy". Those kinds of questions.

However, very recently, it has come to my attention that Carter is very aware of the difference between boys and girls. Which is also very age appropriate, but still, I'm not sure I was really ready for all this. Last night, Greg came downstairs after putting Carter to bed telling me that Carter specifically asked where babies come from. Again. Which means we found a way to put it off the first time....looks like we need to come up with an age appropriate answer.

So.

Here we are.

I started researching some books and the first place I looked was National Center for Biblical Parenting; the organization I represent anytime I do a parenting seminar. I knew they had good, christian books on the subject of sex for preschoolers all the way up to teens.

I have to admit, while NCBP is very prompt, I was in a super hurry to get these, so I ended up going through amazon.com, just so we could get the boy's questions answered as quickly as possible. LOL.

These are the two books that I ordered.

You are not going to get any inappropriate surprises in these books (like some secular ones I have seen which have things in them I didn't care for....)

Keep in mind if you are interested in these books it is MUCH, MUCH cheaper to order them through NCBP than buying them individually. And let's face it, kids go through developmental stages and this is just the beginning. You may as well bite the bullet and get the entire series, which, I might add, has an entire book on talking CONFIDENTLY to your kids about sex.

Click HERE to purchase the entire series from NCBP.

I really, strongly believe in talking to kids about sex from an early age. When they start asking questions, they deserve an answer, and they deserve an answer on their level. And they deserve an answer that gives age appropriate information and not too much of it, or too little. You will know you have answered their questions when they stop asking. And the thing is, they are never going to stop asking! Ha! And you won't get the luxury of just answering a question once. Oh, no. You get to repeat it, over and over and over. Because that's how kids learn, by repetition. Excited??? Ha! Me either.

It's awkward. But the earlier you start the better. If you start out by giving your kid the answers they need when they are four then they are going to keep coming to you when they are fourteen as well. And that is what you want. Not that they aren't going to hear, see, and learn things from other people, but if they have been talking comfortably with you on this subject for years then it will most likely continue that way.

Wish us luck!!!!!

Sending kids off to school....

2011-08-06T07:43:00.000-07:00

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone

The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness. ~Honoré de Balzac

Women who miscalculate are called mothers. ~Abigail Van Buren :-)

I cannot believe that my oldest boy is going off to Kindergarten. I keep looking at him in amazement because I remember him being this tiny little baby, and I have wat(ched him grow up to be this amazing little boy who is smart, funny and baffling to me, all at the same time! Baffled because he is complex, caring and let's be honest, can be quite infuriating all at the same time.

I have never loved something or someone so much and, in some moments, have a fury rage inside me at some of his actions. I hope I am not being too brutally honest when I say that, but it's the truth. In his short five years I have felt rage, shock, pride and in it all, unconditional love, in spite of all his actions, whether I term them good or bad. It's true what they say, once you become a mother you need to be prepared to have your heart walking outside your body. It's true. The range of emotions a mother feels when dealing with this other, very human being, is sometimes incomprehensible.

Carter is a piece of me. He is a piece of my husband. He is a whole lot of God's grace and love. But this past week I have just been reminded that even though He is God's creation, the Lord allowed me to be a part of it. And with that, I am humbled. God allowed me to carry this precious gem, this gem that I LOVE so much, yet can be greatly annoyed with....at the same time.

I know I keep repeating that phrase, "at the same time", but it's true. I don't understand it. I guess because Carter is a part of me, that's why it is so confounding, to love something sooooo much, be humbled by the fact that he has been given to me, an the honor that has been bestowed on me, and at which I do not reflect upon nearly often enough. And let's be honest, can be a little boy I really dislike sometimes. LOL!

I don't really know what this has to do with Carter going into Kindergarten. I guess it has just made me very reflective, more so than normal. :-) It's a milestone. It's a marker. It's a gift. God allowed me to be the mom to Carter (and Griffin). He allowed me to be part of a miracle. And this miracle has grown into a little boy who is beautiful, caring, smart, funny, determined, stubborn, literal, and loving. Kind of like me, a little bit. Kind of like his dad.

Actually, I think Carter is a lot like me. Which is why I sometimes don't like him, even though I love him forever. I see myself in him. When Carter and I are in conflict is often when I see my flaws the most. And I want to fix them, through him. When all he really needs is to be loved and accepted. Mentored. Disciplined. Surrendered.

Wow. What gift. What a privilege.

Dear Heavenly Father,

THANK YOU for this gift. Thank you for your grace. Help me to remember that Carter is a GIFT, always, He is yours. He is not mine. He has only been loaned to me for a while. My prayer is that through You, and you alone, I really can be a perfect mother! Thank you for the resiliency of my children when I am not walking, by faith, in this journey of motherhood. Please forgive me for my self-sufficiency. Thank you for the perfect picture of unconditional love.

September 17th!!!

2011-07-26T09:20:00.001-07:00

I wanted to let you guys know that I will be speaking at the Awana Ministry Conference in Cordova, Tn on September 17th!! I will be doing two breakout sessions in the morning and in the afternoon.

The two breakout sessions I will be speaking on are:

1) Have Fun Teaching Spiritual Truths
Come learn how to start a Family Time in your home that will excite your kids about God’s Word. Activity is the language of children so use it to communicate biblical truth. This session will energize you about Family Time and explain how to make the scriptures relevant and exciting for your kids.

2) How to Teach Children to Follow Instructions
All parents want cooperation but many find it difficult to teach. Most parents give instructions over a hundred times a day. In this session you will examine the Instruction Routine in your home. Replace whining, arguing, and yelling routines with a five-step approach that teaches cooperation and responsibility to children for the long-term. Giving instruction will never be the same.

I will be doing the same breakout sessions both in the morning and afternoon!

Here is some more detail on the conference itself. And be sure to check out the video link above!!

"Don’t miss this one-day Awana Ministry conference where you will experience the inspiration of One More through a powerful keynote message, explore practical workshops relevant to your Awana ministry, and engage and share ideas with other Awana leaders in your area. Whether you’re a Puggles leader, a T&T director, a Journey volunteer or a pastor, you will learn valuable principles and “how-to” ideas for your particular ministry as you share the hope of the gospel with One More. "

To register for the conference, click HERE!

Can't wait to see you there!

A Wednesday funny....

2011-07-20T18:12:00.000-07:00

I don't really talk about politics on my blog very much, if at all, and I am really not getting into anything right now. However, given the much debate over raising the "debt ceiling" got Greg and I talking the other night.

I don't know anyone who hasn't been impacted in some way during this recession...some even call it a depression. If you watch the news at all, it will leave you even more depressed about the economy than you were before.

I can't exactly remember now what we had been watching, but it had a gloom and doom message...you know the type. There aren't really any facts behind what they are saying, just making a lot of presumptions, but they want you to believe that what they are saying is true. It had a lot to do with people losing jobs, the economy tanking even more and the Dow going to pot. And if this happens, then this will happen...blah, blah, blah.

I remember looking at Greg, half joking, saying this, "you know, we should just go live out in the middle of nowhere and live off the land. Then we wouldn't have to worry about all this stuff".

Greg replied, "so, you want to become Amish, live off the land and ride in a buggy?"

Me: "Yeah, well, except for not living without electricity. And I would want air conditioning. I would still want to wear make-up and be able to style my hair. Hmmm...I don't guess I want to be Amish, huh?" (LOL)

I don't guess we will be making THAT move anytime soon......oh, well.

I'm sure those closest to me are having a hard time imagining me as a pioneer woman, anyway....ME, TOO!!!!!

Taking the time to be thankful.....

2011-07-14T08:13:00.000-07:00

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13-16

So most of you know I am a mom to two boys. One is five and one is two. I have one starting Kindergarten, and the other is in the midst of those wonderful, terrible, terrific twos....and me, well, I'm exhausted most of the time. LOL.

To say that I am incredibly blessed is an understatement. Yeah, it took a lot to get both of them here, but it was worth all the tears, fears and anxieties of getting pregnant again, wondering if it was going to stick, and then, after realizing it was, was everything going to be okay?? I was of "advanced maternal age" you know...LOL. Gotta love that term.

But in the end I have two, healthy, beautiful boys. They are both unique in their own ways. Their personalities couldn't be more different. But seeing them together, even when they are fighting, makes every tear, anxiety and fear well worth it.

I don't have all the answers for all the pain we have to go through when it's difficult conceiving and carrying children. Some of you can't even identify with that because you had an easy time having your baby. But, I am sure if we didn't experience it ourselves, we have friends and loved ones who have gone through heartbreak at attempting to make a family. Some of you may never have been able to have children. You may have adopted or found other ways to meet that maternal need.

For those of us with children it doesn't take us long after the baby arrives at how much work goes into raising children. Oh, my. We actually have to raise them. And we find out to do it well, means really hard work. Sacrifice. Selflessness. And sometimes, continued heartbreak.

Maybe some of you have special needs children. A diagnosis that you didn't want to hear. A disease that will most likely take your child's life. Or maybe a test that states because of their disability, they will never be able to function on their own in society. What do you do with that? What do you do when you deliver a baby only to find out that there were too many chromosomes and the dreams and wishes you had for that baby are shattered?

Where ever you are today, in whatever circumstance, you can know that God knew exactly what he was doing when he made you a mom. Whether you birthed the children, adopted, or are mentoring other kids. God placed you in that specific role for a specific purpose. No matter how bad you think you are at it. No matter how overwhelmed you feel. No matter how exhausted you are at this moment. You can know that God is carrying you and your children.

Look at the above verses in Psalm 139. If God spent that much time and thought into creating your children, do you think he would give them to someone he knows can't handle it? God doesn't make mistakes. You are the one that is supposed to be raising these children. He didn't mess up. You are going to learn so much. You are going to surrender so much. And hopefully, you will grow to see that apart from Christ, you can't do it. But through Him you can do all things!

That's the beauty. He gives you what is on your plate, all you can handle, no more or no less, and uses it for his glory. And he is using whatever difficulties you may be going through to draw you closer to HIM. He also uses the successes. The small victories to keep you going. Pushing forward when all you want to do is give up. He is saying, "push on. Lean on me. I am enough".

Like I said, I am very blessed. And I very convicted at how much I complain about being a parent, about my kids, and how "over it" I am some days when I am blessed so much. My children are healthy. They have met their developmental milestones. I think it is safe to say we have passed the time to where they would be diagnosed with autism. Neither one of them are in school, so I don't know if they will have a difficult time or what they are going to be good at, but I know, at this point, we can most likely handle what ever comes our way.

It's so easy to be selfish. To put myself above my kids needs and need for attention. It occurred to me the other night as I was rocking Griffin back to sleep after he, very unusually, awoke in the middle of the night, how much I am really going to miss these times. The times where he sits on my lap, he starts humming the song I sing to him when we rock. His sweet, chubby fingers. How tiny they still are.

Then there is Carter, my big boy. He's so smart. He amazes me with his questions. And those big, beautiful hazel eyes that he got from me. The way that he tests the limits to make sure that I am going to follow through. The way that he tells us to stop tickling him.....then says, "do it again".

I just wanted to stop today and treasure my children. I am so not the perfect parent. I can be reactive. I can yell. I can let things go by that I probably need to address.

But I hope, in the end, what my kids know above anything else is how much I love them and how thankful I am to be their mommy.

Crafty momma, I am not!

2011-07-07T18:38:00.000-07:00

I am not one to really get into arts and crafts. And with my first son, he could have cared LESS about doing anything artsy or crafty. I guess I figured he was a boy and would be so into that kind of stuff.

Well, then Griffin came along. The boy loves arts and crafts. I mean, Carter and Griffin could not be more different, in so many ways, and this is one of them. Griffin actually asks me to "dwaw". He wants to color (Carter HATED to color), Griffin colors with markers, he scribbles with a pen. I can actually keep him occupied with a piece of paper and a pen, whereas Carter would have still been running around the room. Anyway, I digress.

My friend, Blakely sent me a link to a blog that had this BLOG listed with a very cool activity kit for the summer. I got to looking more closely at this blog and noticed that this was one, very creative woman. I am amazed at the creativity of some people and the ideas they come up with, especially when it involves children. She has some really easy, fun and unique ideas.

I didn't seem too overwhelmed by her ideas (I'm really interested now in attempting to get me and the boys to make our own butter...I'll let you know how it goes) and I wanted to be sure and pass this activity kit onto you guys!!! Be sure and check her out!!!!!!! If I can do it, anyone can do it!

CLICK HERE to download activity kit

Let the fun begin!!!!

Where has this item been all my life...

2011-06-29T19:23:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but toddlers and juice boxes just don't go together. There is usually juice squeezed out somewhere, sticky fingers...just a mess. How I would love to give a juice box to Griffin, our two year old, and not have to worry about a mess.

Well, I happened to be in Babies R Us yesterday and saw this product and the first thing I thought of was, "why didn't I think of that"??????????

It's called Dwink and it's a plastic box that holds just about any kind of juice drink, whether it be in a box or a pouch. I tried it out on Griffin today and it was amazing!

I have no idea when this product was made, but I do know it was created by a mom, cause it says so on their website. When I started reading her reasons for creating such a product, it was for exactly the same reason I would have created it. To create less mess!!!

She doesn't guarantee all your juice messes will be cleared up but it sure does make handing that box over to a little one a little less stressful.

Ahhh......why couldn't I have thought of that.

Priorities!

2011-06-06T10:39:00.000-07:00

Have you ever ignored your body and your soul so much that it has to virtually attack you to get your attention? Mine has.

I can clearly remember the fall of 2006. I had returned to work as a school counselor and I was struggling with whether or not I was to stay home with our son who had been born that January. I felt the call to ministry but really didn't know what that looked like. But, in the back of my mind, I knew what I needed to do, I just wasn't doing it.

Then, came the most stressful few weeks of my life. I mean, one thing after another, mostly professional. It was like I kept getting hit with something over and over. Bam, bam bam. Then I would recover. Then, bam, hit again.

It wasn't until I woke up one morning, during this time, covered in hives and was not able to go into work and had some down time that I realized that I was stressed out, my body had had enough and it was telling me so, and if I wasn't going to take care of me, it would have to take care of me on it's own. And it did. I went to the doctor and got a shot and within a few days I was better, but it was a wake up call for me. I knew the Lord used those hives to get my attention. To slow down and to listen to Him. To follow Him and to trust Him.

Fast forward to now...several years later, add another kid, a private practice, a ministry and I find myself once again dealing with a lot and have been quite overwhelmed with it all. Some days I am working two to three days a week. I have a mentally challenging job. It can be really exhausting. Traveling back and forth from Nashville to Hendersonville. Making sure meals and child care are covered.

I am also a wife and a mom, raising two, you and very active boys. Plus, I am responsible for childcare arrangement for my boys, fixing meals, cleaning, laundry. Taking care of myself, my husband, the kids and the cat.

I have a ministry that I am called to, many things to do in that ministry but I seem so overwhelmed with everything to do that I am frozen by it all.

So, what do you get when you have too much on your plate? Well, I don't know about you but I get a good case of anxiety! I am doing what I need to do to take care of it, but this morning it came to my attention that there were some things I needed to take action on, if I didn't, they weren't ever going to get done. My body, once again, would revolt on me, and this time, I think it was going to be bigger than a bad breakout of hives! Something had to give.

So, I sat down and made a list and got to work. I worked on the things I could work on and let the other things go. I prayed a lot. I cried out to Jesus, a lot. And, it is just the beginning, but it is a start.

It's amazing as Christians how easy it is to forget that you really don't have to carry that burden around. But we do it anyway. It is so easy to forget that we are a child of the King...I'm a Princess! Loved unconditionally. An heir to the throne. I am a child of God. He is in me and I in Him and nothing can separate me from His love. But man, the devil sure tries everything he can to convince me otherwise.

And this time, well, he just isn't going to win.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm,then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yolk of slavery. Galatians 5:1

Perfect Kids.

2011-05-29T12:48:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wish you had perfect kids? It usually happens right around the time your kids are NOT being perfect. At least for me it is. Carter had his Preschool graduation program last Thursday and he was really, really tired. When Carter gets tired he gets really hyper. He did not take an afternoon nap and by the time we went out to dinner before the program, I knew we were in for a treat. Ha!
The more tired, nervous, anxious, whatever, it seems Carter gets very….well, busy…. antsy…. active. *sigh* I could tell he was nervous, too, which also makes him hyper. His preschool teacher was wonderful. He was bouncing off the walls and jumping and all she said was, “well, I’m nervous, too”. I went to sit down in the auditorium and just really wanted to break down in tears.
If I listened to previous teachers, or even to my parents, then I would have to believe that Carter has a problem. And who knows, he might, maybe he is “over-active”. But, my pediatrician tells me he’s just fine. Mrs. Mary, his preschool teacher this year (a god-send!) put it this way, “He just acts like he’s five…”.
I get tired of the busyness. I get tired of the busyness at the wrong times. But I also see him being appropriate most of the time and at important times. He can focus. He is just extremely active. He is very, very busy. Apparently, they grow out of it, or so I have been told.
So what do you do with all the well-doers who come along critiquing your parenting techniques? Talking about what they would do if they had your child for six weeks and how they would shape them up? Yeah, that’s what I thought. I didn’t respond so well, either. Anybody else out there have someone from the previous generation that thinks children are supposed to be seen and not heard, still? I guess they haven’t gotten the memo that we actually let them be kids now and teach them how to behave as they grow. Four and five year olds are supposed to be busy and not sit still for forty-five minutes and when THAT generation did it, it was out of fear for their life; I would rather my child not grow up that way.
Okay. Vent over.
I think I tend to put a lot of pressure on Carter and I put a lot of pressure on myself as a parent. I also think I have a lot pride. And, my pediatrician also told me that Carter was given to me to humble me. Yep. Gee, thanks. But, it’s true. I’ve worked with kids for over 10 years now and even though I work with adults, too, working with families is my passion. So, my pediatrician said the same thing happened to her. She had a daughter who humbled her, a doctor, who specialized in treating children. We are given these strong-willed, stubborn little masses to humble us. To let us know we do not know it all. And for me, that I need to get on my knees and cry out to the only ONE who can supply me with what I need to be the best parent I can be!
Carter ended up doing fine in his program. He didn’t do anything more or less humorous or embarrassing than any of the other kids up on the stage that night. Although, he was extremely interested in the white lining to his dress pants pockets. :-)

Secret to a happy marriage when you have kids...

2011-05-06T08:49:00.000-07:00

Greg and I are headed out of town this weekend to celebrate our wedding anniversary. It will be our eighth anniversary on May 10th. The grandparents are keeping the kids. We got a great deal on a two night stay, it has been paid for for months. We get free breakfast while we are there, plus a $50.00 resort credit (I Love Living Social deals!!)

Now, before you get too jealous I want to talk about how you, too, can get away with your spouse. I hear excuses all the time that we don't have the money to go out, or for a sitter, and certainly don't have the money to go on a weekend getaway.

Believe me, we are on a tight budget, but with livingsocials.com, we were able to get a really good deal. We gave this to each other for Christmas so it was paid for over four months ago. We are VERY fortunate to have grandparents who are willing and able to take the kids overnight. I know not everyone has that. But we all have friends and I am a big proponent of utilizing friends who also have children so you can have free childcare.

Obviously, things happen, and that can always be a deterrent to ever trying to get away without the kids. Griffin woke up today with a severe allergic reaction to his antibiotic he has been on for several days. I didn't know for sure, so I took him to the ped to make sure he wasn't contagious (our trip would then be cancelled and you would have had one, sad mommy!) Thankfully, it will clear up in a few days.

My personal philosophy and other therapists, pastors, counselors, etc. will tell you the same thing, that a marriage has to be tended to when you have children. You must carve out time for each other to reconnect and build intimacy. Greg and I have made a pact that this weekend is about us and we will do everything we can to remind each other if we happen to get off track (by talking about the kids non-stop. Yes, they are cute and we will miss them, but I want to be able to hold a conversation with my husband at dinner AFTER they are grown. If we don't cultivate that now, we won't know who each other is when we have an empty nest.)

I hear it time and time again, that we can't go out on date night and we can't get away. The truth is, you can, you are just choosing not to, Where there is a will there is a way.

There are countless free things to do for date night, you can even have a date night at home once the kids go to bed. You can trade off babysitting with others so that other couples can get a night out now and then too.

I understand that getting away for an overnight trip may seem challenging, however, with proper planning and support, it can be done. If nothing else, have friends or family members keep your kids overnight so you can have a break and give your spouse some undivided attention!!!

I hope you have a great mother's day weekend! I sure am!!!! :) :)

Awesome weekend at LHBC- Gallatin

2011-05-02T08:45:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to post a few pictures from the women's event I have the privilege of being at Saturday. The women of Gallatin are very sweet!!! They went above and beyond in making sure I had everything I needed!! I led two sessions over the same material. It was the first time presenting that material, but I know that God had a special message to a few of those ladies. I could see it on their face.

I am truly blessed to be able to do this. Whether there are 4 people or 400!!!! I LOVE being in the middle of what God has called me to do!!!!

Who do you believe????

2011-04-26T07:50:00.000-07:00

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear....I John 4:18

This verse is so simple and so basic. And so easy to believe, right? I have talked to many women on the subject of fear in the christian walk. I have personally struggled with the stronghold of fear and anxiety in my life. I was quite surprised how much we women worry! I mean, I guess isolation is also part of Satan's plan (duh!) because here I thought I must be the only one.

I didn't realize that so many of us choose to believe a lie over the truth.

I wish that I could write a glowing story of my faith in Christ during the deepest crisis of belief that I went through. I wish I could be like other women who I have heard speak tell of how during their deepest, darkest times they turned to Christ faithfully during their time of need, trusting him fully.

Yeah, I really wish I could say that. But I can't. I chose to believe a lie. I chose fear over love.

I am thankful for friends who loved me, who prayed for me and friends who walked with me through that dark valley. I am thankful that I came through to the other side, repentant and surrendered and free.

But man, I wish I had a better story to tell. It is very humbling to have to say out loud that you believed a lie. Faith and fear really cannot coexist. And for over a year, I thought they could.

The minute I chose Christ, however, the lie was obliterated. And the thing is, He was there the whole time, waiting, lovingly, patiently and mericfully, for me to return to Him; to not believe a lie. And he accepted me with open arms, with no condemnation.

You see, it wasn't as if I had really "forsaken" God. I mean, i was still in church, went to bible study, attempted to pray and read the bible. I allowed Satan to convince me that I had every right to feel the way I did. I was still playing along in the game. This is where I think he has a lot of strong, Christian women. Women caught up in fear of things that we think should be okay. We are still okay.

But you either believe a lie or you believe the truth. For me, I thought I was okay and that my relationship with Christ was okay. He understood where I was. And He did, but what I did was reject His love. I rejected truth. All the while I didn't trust God with my pain and hurt. It really wasn't about the fear, the lie. It was about fearing God. For me, I thought it was about my pain and hurt and how I couldn't really trust God.

See, you can replace whatever it is you are held in fear about and hold it up to the light and say out loud....what I am really saying, Lord, is that I fear you. Yes, you heard me right. You are holding onto something that isn't yours anyway. I feared that my children and my husband's safety was in constant danger. Irrational? Yes. Did I believe it. Yes. Did I want to? Not really, but because I had put my faith in Christ and was a believer in him, Satan had to do whatever he could to immobilize me. Make me useless. And he used my concept of God, my perception of Him, to do that. Even though I said I feared death, what i was really saying was, "God, I fear what you are going to do to me". I chose a lie.

So what do you believe about God?

Our concept of God shapes how much we trust him. Because when we worry and fret and have anxiety and fears over something that god has control over (which is everything, by the way), it's like we are saying He isn't enough. He is too small. He is limited. He is somehow bound by our human limits.

The God of the universe. The creator of the heavens and the earth. The giver of LIFE itself. I mean, think about it for a minute. The more you dwell on God and hang out with him and His beauty and majesty, His righteousness and justice and His mercy and grace the more you are compelled to believe Him. the more you remember the Lord your God and Who He is, the great I AM. You trust those very hands that have given you life.

I kind of felt like Job, near the end of his story, and how the Lord prompted Job to show Him who the creator was, who held everything in His hands. who else out there is able to do this...please, Job, show him to me. "will the one who contends with the almighty correct him?" the Lord asks Job in Job 40:2

Job's response in chapter 42 is my response to the Lord, even this day. Every day.

"I know that you can do all things, no plan of yours can be thwarted....surely, I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know....therefore, I repent. Job 42:2-6. Job wasn't repenting for committing secret sins. He was repenting for questioning God's sovereignty and justice. He repented for his attitude toward God. Then the Lord restored Job above and beyond what he had before.

Why would God do that? Because he is GOD. We have humanized our God so much that we have made him very small, bound, and limited. God did this for Job (and me and you) because he LOVES you. Because He loves me. And NOTHING can separate me from that love. Even my unbelief and unfaithfulness. He forgives. He heals. He is perfect love. The only way we are able to love him is through Him loving us. The very capacity to love is from him. Do we believe that? Or do we believe a lie?

It's your choice. I hope by sharing my story someone can avoid the regrets of believing a lie.

Choose the truth. Choose Christ. Choose love. He is right there. He has never left your side. His arms are open wide. He is holy. He is just. His love is perfect, whole, trustworthy and pure. And He would love nothing more than to heal your hurts and ease your pain. Whatever your story.

"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in FULL ASSURANCE of faith.” Hebrews 10:21-22 (emphasis mine)

Why do we choose fear?

2011-04-21T09:08:00.000-07:00

I'm working on my breakout session for next week (continued prayers, please). And I wanted to ask a question....I posted something on facebook a couple of weeks ago, more out of my own deep thoughts than a real question, but I got some surprising answers. I am really hoping that you can help add to the discussion.

My question, although rhetorical at the time, was this, "what if we allowed perfect love to drive out fear"

So, I am going to post this everywhere and hope that you read this and will leave a comment. I won't name any names, but would love to hear the following:

1) What are you afraid of? What binds you in fear?
2)what if we allowed God's perfect love to drive out that fear?
3)why don't we?

Blessings and many thanks for your participation!!!
Susan

Prayers please!!!

2011-04-11T07:41:00.000-07:00

So many things are going on, and they are good things, but, it is easy to get swept up in the busyness of life and the one thing I want to focus on today while I have some free time is prepping for my session in a few weeks on fear and anxiety. So, if you are reading this before April 30th, go ahead and pray because that is when I am speaking. If you read this after April 30th...pray about it anyways because I am sure I need it. LOL! I am very excited because I have been writing and thinking and ideas have been popping into my head and i have been writing them down and now, now I just need to do get everything together so that this is actually a presentation. I'm probably not supposed to say that I don't have it done yet, but, this will be the first time presenting on this subject matter. It is so personal that I know it intimately. It is all inside me, I just had to research some things, pray and let God do the rest. So, it's time. My baby boy's birthday is this coming Saturday. He is going to be TWO! I can't believe it. My mom is coming in tomorrow and I am sure we will be running around, I am only working one day this week, thankfully, but still, that is a lot going on. Basically, this is my only day of solid hours to work on this presentation this week. We are less than three weeks away! So, I covet your prayers. Thanks!

Mark you calendars! April 30th!! Women's event!

2011-04-07T10:41:00.000-07:00

I am honored to be speaking at the Long Hollow Baptist Church Gallatin Campus Women's event in a few weeks. This event cost only $10.00!!!!!! Julie Woodruff, Women's minister for Long Hollow Baptist will be leading out the conference and there will be several women leading break out sessions. You don't want to miss this! Lunch is included!!! Click HERE for more details!!!

Nashville Parent Baby Fair 2011

2011-04-02T10:31:00.000-07:00

If I were having a baby I wouldn't want to miss this. I'm not pregnant and I still think I would love to go. In fact, even though I have no use for it, I entered to win the wonderful grand prize, which is a beautiful three piece nursery set! LOL! What can I say, I love babies. And even if I am not having any more babies, I know plenty of people who are. And I bet I would win "best shower gift ever" if I brought that furniture set to a friends shower. All kidding aside, here is a link to the baby fair. Hope you local folks can make it! This event is at Baptist Hospital, next Saturday, April 9th from 10am-3pm. It is sponsored by Baptist Hospital and Nashville Parent Magazine. Click here to learn about the FAIR.

A Message From My Heart.....

2011-03-24T06:21:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write a very special blog post sharing my heart.

First, I want to start out by saying how humbled I am and amazed that God wants to use me. I mean, I know that is why we are here, to glorify and worship Him. He has gifted certain people with certain talents and we all have a choice in whether or not we are going to truly fulfill our purpose in Christ. I don't really understand the "why" but I know I am compelled to follow, surrender and accept the call on my life. I never really set out to have a speaking ministry, but that is where it has led, and I feel that the more I surrender, follow and obey, God is going to do amazing things through me, in His power, to accomplish His plan. I just want to be open to His calling. It's not easy surrendering and following. Sometimes I doubt, have fears, and disobey. Surprisingly, God still wants to use me.

Second, I really want to make it clear that I am not a perfect mom. Period. I struggle in certain areas. I lose my temper. Say things I wish I hadn't. I want do-overs with my children. I worry that I am not doing a good job. I struggle with balancing being firm yet grounded in love. I want to give my kids roots and wings. So, I want to make it clear that I am not an expert.

If you could see me on Sunday mornings trying to check in my kids for childcare at church, which often includes long lines attempting to hold on to a 2 year old and making sure the 5 year old doesn't run off or start acting out in front of everyone solidifying the fact that, I am indeed, less than, you would see clearly that I struggle. Usually this goes along with having a very hectic morning at home getting ready for church, trying not to run late but inevitably doing so. I am often frustrated, frazzled and grumpy as I walk into church to worship the Lord. More than once, I have had to go back to the check-in desk and apologize to the nice people who checked us in because I was rude. Really.

Being a mom humbles me EVERY day. I think that is just part of it. If I had a perfect marriage and kids then I don't really think I would have much of a message. I mean, I would simply say "do as I do and you, too, can have perfection". That's not going to happen.

Some of you have known me for a very long time. The thought might cross your mind, "Who do you think you are telling me how to be a mom, how to raise my kids"? Well, again, let me make it clear that I AM NOT doing that. I don't know how to be a great mom, or wife, for that matter. But in Christ, I am. And I believe it, because I have seen His work in me. It's not me, it's Him. And it leaves me humbled and amazed every day. That is what is so exciting about this. You can actually see Him at work in your life when you get out of the way.

As a wife and mother I struggle. I have shared some of those struggles on this blog. Most recently, being delivered from fear and anxiety following the birth of my last child. I still struggle with this. It is a daily process. I am sure there are others out there who struggle with depression, fear, insecurity, doubt....all of the above. The message that God has for you is that He is big enough to take everything you have ever gone through, all your shortcomings, your fears, hurts, pain and shape you into a beautiful image of Himself. And He uses these experiences as moms to do this.

There is a lot of pressure in today's world for moms. Some of us work. Some of us are single and we carry the load. Some are work at home moms and spend 24/7 with their kids. Some of us are overwhelmed. Some of us have broken marriages and disenchanted views of this life that we have and really wish we could go back to those carefree, single days, even though we prayed and prayed for this life. Now that we have it, sometimes we would just like to give it back.

This IS what I know. God has given me the opportunity to use my gifts and talents to bring Him honor and praise. He has a message to moms. And, apparently, He wants to use me to get that message across. Now, that may mean I speak to 20 people or 2,000. I don't know. I don't really care. I don't even care if you or the outside world see my ministry as a success. That's not what this is about. It's about obedience. Surrender. Knowing that what you are doing is not your own. Period. I am SURE, given the last five years of being a mom, that God has PLENTY more humbling experiences to keep me in line with His plan for me.

I am doing this because of the passion God has put in my heart for moms just like me. The imperfect mess. Because I know that through HIM I can do all things. His grace is all I need. His strength is made PERFECT in my weakness. Because God is able to do exceedingly above all that I ask or think.

That means He has it covered and instead of trying to do this on our own He is calling me and you to Himself. He has your back. He's got it covered. And there is so much that He wants to teach us and show us of His mighty power and strength that He blessed us with children to remind us how fallible we really are. And how BIG He is.I know I am not a perfect mom. But when I focus on Christ, surrender to Him, trust Him and allow Him to BE God in my life, then the pressure is OFF.

And that is what I want to share. That is the heart of every message. I want to be real. I want to be authentic. I don't have all the answers. But praise God, I serve the one who does. And His love casts out every fear, doubt, imperfection....the list can go on and on.

We don't have to be an expert. We don't have to have it all together. We don't have to be perfect. Because He is. And if you are a mom, that is your calling. It's no accident that we were blessed with these kids. Yes, even YOUR kid! Through this journey, God wants to teach us what He can do and accomplish through us. That means breaking us of our pride, the gods we place before Him (which sometimes, lets be honest, are our kids), and to prune, shape and mold us into His image through this journey.

I really hope you come along with me. I am so excited. I am so passionate. I am so....imperfect.

The Mom's To Do List

2011-03-16T19:17:00.000-07:00

Next month I have the honor of speaking at my church's women's event at one of our satellite campuses. I am very excited as I will be speaking for the very first time under the Reflections of a Mom ministry!!! I will be speaking on anxiety and fear...two things I know just a little bit about, unfortunately. I am so thankful that God is able to deliver us from anything! I am thankful for the journey that grief took me on and the ride with post-partum depression. That sounds crazy to say, but through that journey came a crisis of belief, and once again, I came face to face with all of my doubt and mistrust of my savior. And once again, as always, God proved his love for me and the fact that he welcomes me with open arms. Of course on my end was repentence, surrender and a decision to believe that He is good.

It sounds horrible doesn't it, to say that you doubt the One who loves you unconditionally? But yeah, during that time I was angry with God. I allowed myself to be deceived into believing that He is not kind, loving and good. I allowed satan the foothold on my heart. It was a slow process, but it happened nonetheless. But I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for that journey. I am glad I chose Christ. I am glad I choose Christ on a daily basis. I can trust Him. He does have my best interests at heart.

So, the next few blog posts you might be getting a glimpse into what I am going to be talking about in a few weeks...including some humor in there as well.

Because I have just a oh-so-few things on my plate and I can still struggle with anxiety and feeling overwhelmed at times, I decided to make out a to do list to help schedule my time better and to prioritize all the things that I needed to do in preparation for the launching of the Reflections of a Mom ministry and this upcoming speaking event.

What I got out of this was simply laughable. I am not going to share my to do list, but it quickly became this very long, excruciatingly painful to look at, list of things to get done in the next six weeks. Then I started adding things in there just to lighten my mood, because this list was not making me feel any better. You know, perfectly doable things like, " create peace in the middle east"....LOL! I actually did put "schedule exercise weekly and DO daily". Yeah, I'm thinking peace in the middle east may actually happen before that one gets checked off the list.

I'm not a very organized person (although I have fooled many people into thinking that I am, I don't know how, but they have told me that I am organized), anyway, I love making lists. I have always loved scheduling things, writing lists, planning out how I am going to do things, etc. Then, I never do them. When I was younger I would spend weeks planning a diet that I was going to go on. I would research what eating plan I should go on, what kind of diet. Then I would write out my meal plans, figure out what I was going to eat, when I was going to eat it. Then the day came to go on the diet. Unfortunately, all that planning was for naught. I usually never made it past the first couple of days. But man, I came up with some really GOOD diets. I probably had a book's worth. Oh, well, I digress.

Now that I am actually married, a busy mom, working part time, attempting to start a new ministry, making lists actually calms me down. Checking things off my list, I believe, actually releases seratonin in my body. Really. The anxiety goes out the window. All I have to do is make a list and check a few things off and I feel much better.

I guess that is why making this list didn't do too much for me because everything that I have to do seems very daunting. I should be having a panic attack about now. Except, I rely on the truth of God's word. If I dedicate my day and time to the Lord, and follow what He has called me to do, and do what I need to do on my end; work just a little bit at being better organized, everything on that list will get done in time AND it will work out exactly how it is supposed to work out.

And, hopefully, there won't be too many sleepless nights between now and April 30th!

rainy days and mondays always get me down....

2011-02-28T10:55:00.000-08:00

....especially when a little one has an ear infection.

We could tell for the past couple of days that Griffin was not feeling himself, especially when he woke up in the mornings. Today was no exception and he was so not himself that I took him to the doctor first thing, even though he really had no other symptoms. He has tubes in his ears and we had a few, great months of "good ears" but it seems our good times have passed. He had an ear infection last month and I am thinking his symptoms are diminished because of the tubes, yet, who knows how long he has been suffering since the diagnosis last month, since this infection is in the same ear.

We take communication for granted don't we? Especially when we are on sensory overload with communication coming at us in every direction. As in the people we interact with on a daily basis, information on the computer, text messaging and voice mails. We are used to hearing everything we need to hear.

But with little ones who haven't learned how to talk yet, we have to rely on other forms of communication to tell if they are not feeling well. Their body language, fever, tears and fussiness, pulling at their ears. There are lots of ways our babies communicate with us even though it is not in verbal form. Because we know our little ones so well, we can usually identify the problem.

This morning the only symptom that Griffin had that he had an ear infection was his constant fussiness from the moment he woke up until it was time to take him to the doctor four hours later (yeah, we had a great morning!). LOL! I guess I started thinking about this while I was at the doctor's office because they were asking me how I could tell Griffin was sick, what were his symptoms, and it struck me when I told them and then added, "you know, you just never know what's going on because he can't tell me. That's why I decided to bring him in, just in case".

So what is the point to all this? This morning got me thinking about how thankful I am that I can hear God speak to me clearly, if I am willing to listen.

Over the past two weeks I have seen God move in amazing ways, in my life and in the life of my friends. We had a FABULOUS women's' conference at my church, Long Hollow Baptist Church a couple of weeks ago. One of the speakers, Margaret Feinberg, spoke on hearing God speak and how it is often, as the bible says, not in the wind, earthquake or fire, but a whisper (I Kings 19). God also uses other forms of communication to speak to us. He gives us His word, His spirit, which prompts and leads us where we should go. He gives us people, His church, life experiences and most of all, peace. Even when it doesn't make sense.

I have some friends that have been faced with tough decisions lately and tough dilemmas. We have been faced with some also. Waiting on God to follow his direction and leading, waiting for his wisdom and discernment. That's when our relationship with Christ gets real. Are we really going to trust Him in our circumstances, even when He is telling us to take a huge leap of faith? Can we trust Him in the smallest of circumstance or do we have to figure things out on our own, in our own time? And what is this peace in the midst of these crazy circumstances that is telling me, 'it's all going to work out'? Do we feel like we have to help Him along? It's almost laughable to even type that last sentence. Yet time and time again, we do just that, feebly "help" him along. God. The king of the universe. Creator. Provider. Beginning and the End.

I am very thankful for a Father who speaks to me clearly, in many different ways, in many different actions. The more I learn to trust Him, the more clearly I hear his voice, even the slightest whisper. I can trust that in my walk with Him, He will make my paths straight.

Sometimes you just need a little hope...

2011-01-29T10:14:00.001-08:00

If there is anything that I have learned about being a parent, it's that there are definitely highs and lows to go along with it, just like with everything else. I just wish I could get used to the roller coaster and when I see us rounding another corner and going uphill that I could better mentally prepare myself for the fall.

It is really hard to describe the thoughts that go on in a mother's mind. If you are a mom, I am sure you know what I am talking about. Worrying that you are doing enough. Wondering if your child will be successful. As a therapist, I can add looking for every possible sign of some sort of developmental delay or autism spectrum to that list (knowledge is not only power, but it can also be dangerous! lol).

It really is silly how many times with think, "is he OK?" or "is that normal" and let's not leave out "does she have emotional issues?"

When things get difficult when raising our children, when they seem to be pushing against every thing we are trying to teach them, and boycotting the structure that they really do long for, it can be exhausting. I want to throw up my hands and say, I'm DONE!

Then, you get to see glimpses. I call them glimpses from God. Little signs that you are OK, your kid is OK. Everything is really going to turn out fine. Sometimes I see this in Carter's behavior. When Carter remembers to ask politely. When he says something really sweet to us or to Griffin. When he gets a concerned look on his face when I am upset or Griffin is upset. You can see the work coming out. The work that God is doing in their lives, and the hard work you have put forth to create a "normal" kid (whatever normal is). Often times, it is when I am remembering how to treat my children with love, patience and respect that I get it in return. You would think that I would remember that when I am having difficulty keeping my patience. That tone I hear in Carter's voice sounds somewhat similar to that tone in my voice...you know, the disrespectful one. Ouch.

I wish I was perfect. But I'm not. None of us are. We are going to lose patience. We are going to forget that great teaching point that we were trying to hit home with during a certain discipline time. We will probably flub up on the sex talk. We might even yell or lose our temper at our kids. And then we will see it reflected back to us and hopefully learn something from it. My favorite verse to think about on days like this is "My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness!" 2 Corinthians 12:9 AMEN. The more I realize that I will never be perfect but I have the perfect Father who IS and who allows me to do all things through Him...including parenting my two kids. Well then, what else do I need?

With all the snow days we have been having, things have gotten strained some days in the Mayo household. I mean, there are just so many things you can do in your house without getting bored. So, we have had some trying times. Days when I thought all I was doing was disciplining. Days when I felt like a failure. Days when I wondered would we actually survive having TWO kids. It kind of makes me chuckle.

Then, the glimpse happened. I got to see the Lord working in my son's life this week. In an amazing way. Friday morning Carter was up in the bonus room and came and got me and told me he had made a word. We had gotten him some letter tiles for Christmas to practice reading sight words. We will make the words and have him read them to us. He likes creating words that often aren't words at all, but it helps him learn and is a lot of fun.

When I got to the bonus room and saw what he had made, which was actually a sentence, not a word, I almost cried. My heart melted. I was amazed.

This is what I saw:

I luf U Jesus

He created that all by himself. It truly humbled me to know that God is at work in my child's life. I know we take him to church and we pray and have an active Christian life, but it just rings clearer to me that children's hearts are truly the most easily molded. They are tender. They have faith. They have trust. Nothing, hopefully, has come into their lives yet that has made them think to challenge the values they are growing up with. I pray that Carter knows he is loved, and that Jesus loves him. I am thankful he loves Jesus back. And that He knows who God is, who created the earth, who is all powerful.

Imagine if we still looked at God that way. If we truly focused on His attributes instead of relying on our own strength and trusting in our own strength.

If we came to Him just like a little child? If our hearts were soft? Moldable. Moveable.

What kind of work could He truly do through each of us if we were this transparent in our love for Him?

I love Jesus. Jesus loves me. End of story.

Lost and Found....

2011-01-18T09:06:00.000-08:00

You know, there are not many possessions in this world that I hold more dear than the ring that my husband placed on my fingers eight years ago, this past Christmas Eve, and asked me to become his wife. I had waited a LONG time to hear those words. My ring was beautiful and it truly was my most treasured possession.

Fast forward to seven years of marriage, two kids, a house and busy life and one active 20 month old helping mommy get ready for the day, like he does every day. Except this day is different. My wedding rings were on the bathroom counter. Griffin was in and out of the bathroom, into everything, like he is every day. I wasn't paying much attention. However, when I reached for my rings and saw that only my wedding band was there I panicked, but just a little. I take my rings off every night and I either place them on the kitchen island or the bathroom counter. They had gotten separated before and I had had that sinking feeling before that I had lost my ring. But, always found it.

So, I wasn't too panicked when my wedding ring was not with my band. After going through everything in the bathroom, including the sinks and drains, drawers, etc. I got a little panicked. We had to leave to go on a play date, but I wouldn't allow myself to feel the anxiety reaching up in my heart about my ring. I called my husband (who is ETERNALLY calm in these situations) and he reassured me he would look for it when he got home.

Well, he didn't find it either. We tore the entire house apart looking for that ring. It's gone. Little Griffin got it and we don't know what he did with it. We know it didn't go down any drains and we have shop-vacuumed all the vents. We have gone through everything in the bathroom, bedroom, closet, living room, dining room, guest bedroom, bonus room....you get the picture. We have gone through everything...twice.

We look at Griffin and say, "what did you do with mommy's ring?" and he just laughs. Because he doesn't know. He has no idea what he did. And I really can't hold it against that beautiful, sweet baby. He has no clue that he broke his momma's heart by his actions. He was just being a toddler, wanting to taste, see and explore anything he could.

I was really okay for about a week. Then I decided to call our home owners insurance to see if they covered such a loss. It turns out that since we didn't have it listed separately on our policy, they were not going to cover the loss. That was a really bad day. Actually, that is an understatement. I have not cried like that, well, since I had miscarriages. I mean, it was bad.

To know that you have lost something and it might not ever be found is one thing. Then to find out that you can't even get reimbursed for the valuable possession that was lost, in order to replace it, is just heartbreaking.

In all of this, I struggled with how I was supposed to feel. I mean, it's just a ring. Aren't there more important things to be concerned with? Poverty? World hunger? I had people tell me that this loss was just as important to the Lord as it was to me. I was told different ways to pray for the return of the ring. To "name it and claim it". To ask the Lord to show me where my ring was.

And it's not that I don't believe those methods work. I just felt like if I was supposed to find the ring, we would find it. However, I really didn't allow God to love me and tend to me like I should have. This loss was important to Him because I am important to Him. But, it was like I wanted to just hold all my pain and fear and anxiety inside and just keep it with me. And I was sad. I was really sad and heartbroken. I struggled with being heartbroken over something that doesn't last anyway.

I could really tell that I was getting depressed over this. And that upset me too. What I realized was that I was getting depressed because I wasn't allowing God to hold me and tell me it was going to be okay. It's okay to be sad over this loss. It isn't trivial. That ring was special. It was a symbol of our love and even though our love lives beyond a ring, it was treasured. Had I poured out my heart to God regarding my pain over this? Nope. I just wanted it all for myself and it was really starting to affect my day to day life. And not in a good way.

So yesterday, I decided to lay it all down. The mish mash of feelings. The multitude of anxieties (Psalm 94:19), the exhaustion of everything seemingly to not be going our way (the economy the past two years has greatly effected my husband's business). Losing the ring on top of that just reinforced the negative feelings that God is not for us and that we are under this dark cloud. I am really tired of the dark cloud. I am ready for sunshine. But those are lies. God is for us. And I knew that.

This is a trial. Just like everything else, I can either choose to grow through this or get stunted in my growth. I was choosing to be stunted.

Yesterday, even though I know Truth. I know Peace. Even though Jesus really should be the first One I run to, it took three weeks for me to lay it down. I read this scripture:

You (God) keep him in perfect peace the one who has his (and her) mind set on him. Because h/she trusts in God. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the ROCK eternal. Isaiah 26:3-4

Yeah. The Lord is the ROCK eternal. So even though this circumstance hasn't turned out the way I would like it to, I haven't found my "rock", my wedding ring, I have Him. And he's given me some pretty cool promises of things to come. And I do claim them. But even if there were no promises, He would be enough. I wouldn't trade His peace for any precious stone here on earth.

I think of this in parenting too. The daily struggle (I'm not the only one who struggles am I?) The doubts, the fears, is my kid going to turn out okay? Do I know what I am doing? What if?

What if my mind is just set on HIM? Hmmmm....perfect peace. Okay. I will take that. The Rock has it covered. Wow. How many other burdens am I carrying that He would love to lift off of me, if I would only allow Him? I may not find my ring, but I found, once again, that perfect peace casts out all fear.

Okay, I sooooo wouldn't turn down finding my ring, either. That will truly be a very, happy day. But for now, God's peace that He has given me is enough. And it's what I will turn to from now on when I am feeling sad about this loss. About my job as a parent, a wife and mother. My responsibilities. My dreams and my desires. Everything.

They are all laying at the foot of the cross.

Happy New Year

2011-01-04T10:36:00.000-08:00

I am very excited to be sitting at Panera for the first time in a really long time and have the time to write, research and think. Sometimes I think I think too much, well, in fact I know I do. But I also know all of this thinking produces work, research and writing. So, therein lies the rub.

I am very excited to start working on the official launch of Reflections of a Mom ministry. Hopefully, by February, I will have a clearer picture of what that will look like. I can show you a a sneak peak into my new website. I am very excited about this. It is a work in progress, so if you see something that needs to change let me know.

Click HERE to take a look at my new website!

I am currently working on four different topics that I can present to moms, in all stages of life. However, since I am in the preschool years, right now, I have a lot of good stuff for moms just starting out and those in the throws of the first years of parenting. Just like me.

Intellectually, I can tell you about and help you with your teenager, but in truth, I have never parented a teenager. However, I do know the ONE who gives the ultimate in parenting advice, Jesus, and guess what? He never parented a teenager either. And he never parented, period. But, is He not the perfect picture of a parent and how he loves us, and that in turn helps us love our children.

If nothing else, it brings us to our knees. Something that has become increasingly clear to me the past few months. Nobody has all the answers to the deepest parenting fear, however, I can surrender to Christ and His authority in my life and become the PERFECT parent in HIM. For I am complete in Him. My identity is in Him and I have been given fullness in Christ (Colossians 2:10). That, to me, brings peace to my heart in knowing that even with my education and training, I don't have to depend on that to parent my children.

I don't have all the answers and I never will (praise God!). I can completely trust in Christ. Even when I fail and mess up, knowing that He has covered me and protected my children, in spite of myself.

Happy New Year! May God pour out His truth, power, strength to you as moms. He lavishes His love on us. Give Him your life, your fears, doubts and worries.

You can do ALL things through Christ!!!!!!!!!!!

guilty mom

2010-12-16T09:00:00.000-08:00

I had to re-post this from my blog in 2007. It was written when Carter was 2, and in a mother's day out program, but the message is timeless. And, hopefully, still funny. And if you are a mom out there dealing with all the mother guilt...lay it down! Just lay it down!! :) :)

What makes a good mom?
Something has been bugging me since Christmas and it was brought to my attention today, so here I go, getting it off my chest.

My son is in a Mother's Day Out program called Weekday school. It is great, for many reasons, but the most important reason is that it gives me time away from my child and to myself, which I think is very healthy and needed. Not every mom feels that way and that is fine. For me personally, Weekday school is my salvation. 1o hours is not enough time, roughly 5 hours each Tuesday and Thursday, but it is enough.

One of the things that I have been dealing with is mom guilt. I am the sole person responsible for this. No one is making me feel guilty. It is something I do to myself.

It started this Christmas at Weekday school. Of course I brought Carter's teachers gifts for caring for my son, it was the least that I could do. They do a great job and they love my son. Enough said.

Well, the mother guilt started creeping in when Carter's teacher mentioned they were having a Christmas party and inviting me to attend. She actually called me at home because she forgot to mention it the last time he was at school. Hmmm....do I go, do I not go. I really, truly did not want to go. I had five hours to get a lot of stuff done. I didn't have to bring anything to the party, she just wanted me to know that they were having it.

Thursday rolls around and she mentions, again that they were having the party that day. Well, I told her sheepishly, that if I got everything done in time I would try to come join the party. Inside I was thinking they are having this party at 11:30, smack dab in the middle of the day and it would kill any chance of me getting anything accomplished.

Well, I didn't go. I felt a little twinge of guilt, but really was fine with it. Until I picked up Carter from school. Apparently, some of the other mom's and grandmother's brought gifts to ALL the kids in the class. I let out a sigh. Did Carter bring any presents for anyone......Nope. Except for his teacher.

I left thinking, you know they really need to pass out Weekday school etiquette.

"Whenever there is a party thou shalt bring gifts to everyone...you know, something like that."

I am a person that needs things spelled out to her. Just let me know the expectation and I can get it done.

Well, fortunately, not all the mom's brought gifts. So, I felt a little vindicated. Whew. You know, this is a mother's day out program. It is supposed to be bringing me LESS stress. Not all this stuff I have to be thinking of ahead of time.

Well, fast forward to last week. It was Carter's birthday. Did I bake cupcakes and bring them to weekday school, like some of the other moms, so Carter could have a party? No. Did I know that was the norm. NOOOOOO....

So, again, the mother guilt was laid upon me. Did I need to feel guilty. NO. But it is hard when other kid's mom's bring stuff in and you are the mom that doesn't.

Carter's teacher told me she baked some cookies for Carter and was it okay for them to have them. Of course, it was fine. (guilt, guilt, guilt)

So, just when I am getting over that mother lode, I get hit with it again today.

Apparently, Valentines Day is coming up. Carter's teacher and another teacher started talking about Valentines Day when a grandmother brought something in for the party.

Party? What party.

Carter's teacher: "Oh, we're going to have a Valentines party."

My sigh must have been overheard around the world.

Carter's teacher: "ohoohh...we'll have the kids bring in Valentines".

Me: "Okay, is that really necessary? He's two, he isn't going to remember this is Valentines Day, it's too much".

(oops, did I really say that?) I was being really nice but inside I was thinking all this is going to do is add something else to my list of things to do, which is why I have my child in Weekday school so that I have time to do the things I need to do and all this is doing is adding to that never ending list.....

The other grandmother piped up and said that is why she brought the Valentine straws in today. She's done, she did her task, etc. Well, I said I could bring in play-doh, as we had a lot left over from Carter's party.

There, that isn't so bad.

Well, then the poor teacher said she would buy the Valentines herself.

Guilt, guilt guilt.....

Me: No, you don't have to do that. Just let me know what I need to bring to the party.

Finally she said the party was really for her. She enjoys it so much that she loves putting them together.

Then they started talking about Easter. Carter's teacher looks at me and says, "Are we getting to far ahead of you, Susan?"

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, then I have to start thinking about what kind of mom am I?

I didn't get married till I was 34 and I had Carter at 37. The dream of getting married and actually having kids was kind of in the back of my mind. I had time to be pretty independent. I even kept working for a while after Carter was born. I work now, I just don't get paid for it. I wear a lot of hats. Guilt is a hat I would rather not have to wear and worry about. So, I am not like a lot of mom's that dreamed of doing all this stuff with their kids. And does that really make a great mom, bringing cup cakes to a party?

No. Some mom's never get the opportunity to do those things for their kids and maybe they want to. Maybe they are single and have to work and miss out on all the parties at school, never being able to be the class mom.

Me, I have the opportunity, but think at this stage it is just too early to get started with all this stuff. I mean, when Carter gets in school, REAL school, of course I want to bring cupcakes for his birthday party and we will fill out Valentines before his Valentine party....in Elementary school when he knows what Valentines day is.

To me, being a great mom is meeting my child's need (and wants, sometimes). Nurturing him, tickling him, spending time playing with him. Loving him.

I think if I asked anyone if they thought my kid was loved and well-rounded, nice to be around and happy I think I would hear a resounding YES!!!!!!!

He is considered a blessing.

And just because I don't want to make cupcakes and take them to his weekday school program when he is oblivious that it is even his birthday, doesn't make me a bad mom.

It makes me a mom who is prioritizing what she has to do in a day and what is really important and what really matters. Carter had two birthday parties. One was really big. He didn't miss out on celebrating his birthday.

Maybe one day I will be able to deal with the guilt. But I somehow think there are going to be other things to feel guilty about, just in different circumstances.

I just need to accept the fact that I am not perfect, won't be the perfect mom, and to just love my child and focus on him and not worry about what other people think.

Because that is the bottom line. I am worried about how other people perceive me, that is really what I feel bad about. Not meeting everyone elses expectation of what a mom should look like.

Okay. I feel better now.

To Santa or not to Santa....

2010-12-13T12:08:00.000-08:00

Marriage Matters

2010-11-20T09:09:00.001-08:00

Greg and I have the privilege of attending a marriage conference at our church last weekend. It was great. I always recommend to people to work on their marriage when it is GOOD (or even GREAT) to keep it that way. I know there were a lot of hurting people there and a lot of people with really good marriages that left with strengthened marriages.

It is a very sad statistic that marriages in churches now have the same statistic for divorce as those who are not in church. In this marriage conference we learned about complacency and how most couples fight and come to no resolution then coast along never resolving the deeper issues.

Steve and Debbie Wilson led the conference and here is a link to their website. They counsel couples when they are not on the road presenting their conference. They say they have had an increase in couples with "empty nest syndrome" and also a lot more elderly couples coming in thinking of ending their marriage. Can you imagine being married to someone for 50 years then divorcing?? It's a crazy notion, but it does happen.

I can understand the parents with an empty nest. A lot of times parents invest their lives in their children without nurturing their marriage. When the kids are gone they find they have nothing in common and no common bond that ties them together any longer. It doesn't surprise me to hear of couples divorcing after 20-30 years of marriage.

So why don't Christian couples work harder at keeping their marriages together?? Why don't we nurture them when they are good to make them even better? As difficult as it is to plow through hurts and miscommunication, the reward is overwhelmingly worth the pain, risk and heartache to work through it all.

I am thankful for a church that not only supports counseling (since I am a counselor) but also has ministries in place and are creating ministries to minister to families with the sole purpose of keeping them together. Just last month our church hosted their very first marriage intensive for couples whose marriages were at rock bottom. I have seen firsthand the difference that the marriage intensive has made in their lives.

If you have read anything I have written in the past you know I am passionate about couples keeping their love strong. You can't expect something to grow and flourish if you never tend to it and nurture it. Yet couples come up with so many excuses not to go on a date night. Money being the primary reason. But there are solutions to any obstacle keeping couples from investing time in their marriage.

Here are a few:

Get with another couple with kids similar in age to yours and share babysitting responsibilities. One weekend they keep your kids while you go out, the next you keep theirs...FREE.
Find cheap or free things to do on a date. Yes, it would be nice to go to a nice dinner and a movie, but there is nothing wrong with heading to Taco Bell, then sitting in a book store or coffee shop the rest of the date just talking and sharing about each other's week.
Take advantage of church's parent's night out. Even if you don't go to church there, you can still use their program. That's why they are doing it, for outreach.
Last but not least. If you absolutely cannot leave the house, after you put the kids to bed have a romantic dinner at home or have a picnic on the living room floor. Set mood music and candles to change the environment.

I guess my point to this post is, we can't be great a mom or dad if our marriages are in shambles. It will affect our parenting. It will add stress and a sense of loneliness and despair. Instead of having a partner to help you raise your children and deal with the stressors of life, you have added stress because you chose not to invest in your marriage.

Not every marriage is perfect and you certainly can't control every aspect of your marriage or things that come up in marriage. However, everyone can nurture their marriage...if they just take the time!!

FREE!!!!

2010-11-09T10:33:00.000-08:00

Family Time Training is having a "free with purchase" promotion through the month of November!!!! Shop from their online store and every purchase receives a free foam Advent Wreath and Advent sticker calendar! Both would be great for a Family Time!

Click HERE for details!!!!

Enjoy!!!

Book Sneeze

2010-11-08T18:35:00.000-08:00

I am very excited to be accepted into this great book "club", if that's what you call it. See the Book Sneeze link to the right of the screen? They allow me to pick books....for FREE, read them (for FREE) and then I put a review here on my blog. Woo hoo!!! I'm in!!! I love to read.

It has been a really busy time and I have a lot of irons in the fire, but I am looking forward to learning more about this website and having some recreational reading.

If you are interested in joining, click HERE and see how you go about it. It's easy. You do need to have a blog to put the reviews in, but other than that, you're IN!!

Jantsen's Gift

2010-10-20T11:45:00.000-07:00

Jantsen's Gift: A True Story of Grief, Rescue and Grace

Last Monday, I had the privilege of attending a local non-profit's fund-raising dinner. This is an organization that I have recently become contracted with in my counseling practice. They also have a very large adoption program.

The speaker that presented at the dinner was named Pam Cope and she has written a wonderful book entitled, Jantsen's Gift. In this book, Pam writes about a lot of tragic things, namely the sudden death of her 15 year old son several years ago. Through this tragic death, and God's hand, Pam now has been able to save, literally, hundreds of children across the world, including Vietnam, Cambodia and Africa.

I bought the book and had her sign it and eagerly dug in. I finished it yesterday and to say I was moved by the book just doesn't seem like enough. This book will make you think. And cry. I could barely get through the chapter on her son's death. Being a mom myself and putting myself in that situation, well, I don't see how she and her husband made it, but she was very transparent in her grief and her relationship with God. She is real.

And it is amazing to see how God used such pain, grief and tragedy to help others. Greg and I are still "talking" about ways to cut money from out budget and wanting to raise our kids with a perspective of simplicity rather than all this "stuff". This is a great book to get me motivated to do more. It is one thing to talk about doing something, or to just give money, but Pam, her husband and her family actually sacrificed A LOT to help orphans in need.

We have so much but there are poor, innocent children who have NOTHING. And not only do they have nothing they are beaten, abused and starved. We have a strong connection to Haiti because we have friends that have ministered to that country for several years, then the earthquake hit in January and it personalized the country for us even more because people we knew had loved ones there. Then, Greg went on a mission trip to Haiti last March. It was a truly life changing experience for him. And we want our kids to know how blessed they are, truly blessed.

This has always been in our hearts. And I am praying that we can really take some actions steps in the next few years with them to show them that even if we had nothing...we would have more than some children across the world. And, if we don't happen to get their favorite kind of cereal this week, well, at least they still have food to eat.

This is a excerpt from the book. Pam was writing about this very issue regarding her kids...how are we going to teach them that they have SO MUCH. They were blessed to be born into a free country and have parents that love them and provide for them,

The concept of a bad day for my kids is when the cable goes out, or there’s a not enough milk for their Lucky Charms. I want my kids to know a different life than that; to have a different understanding of what constitutes hardship. The best way for me to do this is to do what I regretted not having done for Jantsen: teach them, through the way I live my life, that the world is not as big as we think and it’s my responsibility–and will someday be theirs–to take care of people who need our help, even if those people look nothing like us, or live someplace that seems far away and foreign. I see many of my friends trying to shield their kids from pain and disappointment the way that I did when Jantsen and Crista were young, but I can’t continue to do that. I don’t want them to be crippled by fear. I want them to take chances and live adventurous lives. I want them to live their dreams, and the best way I can teach them to do that is to let them watch me live mine.

That is a good word! Period. Lots on my mind. Lots to pray about and ponder. Praying the Lord works in my heart and that my heart will put my feet into action. And it really all comes down to training the next generation that it really isn't all about them. But what we can do for others!!

If you would like to learn more about Pam's organization, click HERE.

To order a copy of her book, which I highly recommend, click HERE.

HERE is a link to Pam's story on Oprah.

Race for the Cure

2010-10-12T09:07:00.000-07:00

I had the privilege this past Saturday to walk in the Susan B. Komen Race for the Cure. We were celebrating my friend, Tracy, being a survivor. There was an estimated 20,000 participants (I believe it because there were LOTS of people there, I mean....A LOT!!!)

The above picture really doesn't do the crowd I saw justice....

Below are some more of the pictures from the race. It was very inspiring to be walking among survivors. It gave a real perspective on how blessed I am to be in good health. As my friend walked through the survivors finish line, I saw a woman who was obviously very weak being held by her husband. She was walking through the survivors lane. I can only imagine that she is currently going through treatment or has just finished. She was moving very slowing, with assistance from her husband. It was very moving seeing her determination to walk. She is a survivor...for now. My prayer is her cancer is beat, and she is in remission.

There were some people there who were 20 year, plus survivors. There were mom and daughter survivors, walking hand in hand. My friend Tracy, and another friend of hers, currently going through treatment, finished the race together. Cynthia is on her third chemo treatment out of four and had not one hair on her head. One of her friends walked behind her the whole race holding up a gigantic sign that had Cynthia's picture on it with hair. I have to say that Cynthia is beautiful with or without hair. Both Tracy and Cynthia's prognosis is very good.

I think it would impossible not to be moved by the days event's. I was honored to be a very small part of it. I would encourage anyone and everyone to participate in a race near them. We did the 5K walk, but they also have a 5K run, and they have a 1 mile fun walk.

Anyone can do this. Anyone can support this. Anyone can walk a mile. Or you can pay $10.00 extra for registration and "sleep in". However, I wouldn't want to miss the excitement in the air, the inspiration on the faces of the survivors, and the reminders of how fragile this life really is.

The beginning of the race for the walkers.

Me, Tracy and Nellie before the race. Our friend Sandy was there also.

Me and Nellie

Tracy going through the survivor's finish line with Sandy in the background.

WE DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tracy and her friend, Cynthia. Two fighting survivors!!!

Welcome Fall!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-10-01T09:17:00.001-07:00

This is undoubtedly my most favorite time of the year!!!!! FALL!!!!!!!!!!!

I am loving the cooler weather, getting ready for pumpkin patches and apple picking. The beautiful leaves falling off the trees. Bonfires are good too, if I can have the s'mores that go along with them. Ahhhhhhhhh.....

It has been a very busy couple of weeks for me. This is the first time I have actually had time to myself to focus on writing a little bit. Unfortunately, it probably won't get transcribed in today's post, but hopefully, I can work on some future posts.

Here are the ideas my current brainstorming has brought to me:

1. The stress of being pulled in too many directions. As a wife, mom, employee, volunteer, etc. how do you handle being good at all those things??? I don't really think we can. How do we balance all the responsibilities in today's world?

2. Using scripture to bring home the training and discipline points you are trying to teach your children. This is something that I really, really want to do with Carter and Griffin. I just bought a book entitled, Parenting with Scripture and I have a few other resources that I want to review and see how I can apply this to every day life.

3. The baby blues and Post-partum depression. How can you tell the difference?? When should you get help?

I'd say that is enough to keep me busy for a while. I am going to sit and enjoy my coffee. Pray and reflect on scriptures for a while and hopefully get creative before it's time for me to jump back into reality.

I hope you have an awesome weekend with your family and enjoy this fabulous weather!!!! I think middle Tennessee's forecast is pretty sweet the next few days!!!

Enjoy!!!!!

2010-09-19T14:28:00.000-07:00

Kids are unpredictable. I have found that they become even more unpredictable when we, as parents, ask them to do things that are beyond their development or when our pride gets in the way and we expect them to behave differently just because someone else is present.

I was confronted with my pride the other day when my kid was not "acting" like he was "supposed" to in front of others. We had a rather large party over at our house which included adults and kids of all ages. I happened to see Carter interacting with a little boy and it appeared he wasn't being very nice. So I redirected him. Then Carter just plain starting acting out. And not only was he acting out, but he was acting out in front of people...new friends....in our home. Insert "pride". It wasn't long before I was dragging Carter to our bedroom to give him a little talking to. On my way to the bedroom I realized that Carter was just being a kid; an imperfect kid who needed redirection, but my blood was boiling because he wasn't acting perfect in front of new friends.

Wow.

It made me stop and think of what kind of pressures am I putting on my kids because they don't "act" the way "I" want them to. Now, I am not talking about being disobedient or disrespectful. But just acting like kids who need to be trained.

How do you feel when your kid is mean to another kid, or doesn't share or in some other way "shows" him or herself and it is a bad reflection on you, as their parent?

It got me to thinking, is it really a bad reflection on me when my kid acts out or am I putting expectations on my kids and reacting to those expectations when it really doesn't matter.

Obviously, if your child isn't acting right it is an opportunity for us as parents to discipline our child, to train them. Which is what discipline actually stands for.

I recently asked some of my friends what the most unpredictable thing their kids have ever done in front of them and others. I got great responses.

Kids are unpredictable by nature and for the most part, I can handle it. Especially when you can find humor in it. Like some of my friends who were mortified by their young child saying, in a very loud voice when seeing a black person, " why is that person brown?". And by the way, Carrie....Carter asked the same thing just YESTERDAY while we had stopped for gas. It made me laugh because you had just given me that example! LOL! Or another friend who's daughter decided to cram a stuffed animal between her legs at a get together and say something very embarrassing to the crowd.

It didn't take me long to figure out that kids don't come out of the womb knowing what to do, they need training. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a four year old asking, "why is that person brown" or "is that person old". That is a kids natural curiosity. They do need to learn to ask those questions in private. They do need to be taught what discretion is and how to not be impulsive with every thought that comes into their mind. Those are questions that need to be explained and answered. But as mortified as we might be by some of our children's actions, well, they're just being kids.

I had another mom who responded in a way that I wish I responded more often. She said she knows her kids are unpredictable and to not expect anything less....that way, you are always prepared for the unpredictable! It was very good advice!

How prideful is it (and I'm talking to myself here) to want my kid to be the best behaved kid in town, especially in front of friends. For my kid to always make the right choices. To recite his ABC's and 123's on cue so that I can "show him off".

I was just really convicted the other day about MY behaviors. MY reactions. And MY responses to Carter's behaviors.

Something to chew on this week....

Great article on ADHD

2010-09-14T13:19:00.000-07:00

As a therapist who has worked with kids who have ADHD (and a few who didn't but were classified as such) I know how overwhelming and frustrating a diagnosis of ADHD can be to a parent. This article is great because it explains the different types of ADHD (there are three types and four subtypes of Type 2...whew!). Also, the term ADD or Attention Deficit Disorder is no longer recognized as a diagnosis. It is termed ADHD, inattentive type or ADHD, type 2. This article also goes into that explanation.

On page two of the article is easily explains the difference between ADHD behaviors and simply anxiety, depression, or situational frustration. There is a difference and a way to look at the behaviors in our children and the events around them that have occurred to see how that has impacted or changed their behavior.

I hope that this article is helpful. I thought it was a great explanation in layman's terms.

Click Here to read the article.

Here is the the diagnostic criteria for ADHD from the DSM-IV TR and you can also check out the other links to articles regarding ADHD.

I feel the more education on this subject by the parent, the more armed they are to go into school meetings with an better understanding of their children's behaviors. Just because your child is acting up in school does not mean they are hyperactive or inattentive. However, there is ALWAYS a reason behind acting up behaviors. The key is to find out what those reasons are and dissect them carefully.

Good luck!

5 Minutes for Moms

2010-09-07T08:45:00.000-07:00

I wanted to pass along this website that I have joined. I have actually added my blog to this site (and you can too). This site was designed for busy moms and I look at it as sort of a clearinghouse of information under one site. That means if you only have 5 minutes to get online, you can go there and accomplish a lot under one site. You can even view my blog there, along with other Christian mom's blogs. You can find Christian businesses run by moms, great ideas for every day life, jobs, etc. It's just an amazing site and I hope you check it out.

Click here for the main blog site and learn all about Susan and Janice, who are the twin sisters who created the blog, and more about 5 minutes for mom.

If you are a mom, or even want to be a mom and are possibly struggling with infertility, and you have a blog, they welcome you to join. It does take up to a month for them to add you. I just joined a week or so ago and I have not been added. It is very simple so click here if you would like info on adding your blog to their site!

Happy Tuesday!!!

Treasure your Family

2010-08-28T12:20:00.000-07:00

Today was, thankfully, a non-schedule Saturday. Meaning, we really didn't have to do anything, schedule wise, if we didn't want to. Last weekend was CRAZY so I was looking forward to a nice, quiet weekend.

Of course, with a preschooler and a one year old, it is never quiet. Griffin woke us up at 3:30 this morning. This rarely happens so I am not even going to complain. I have friends that still have issues getting their little ones to sleep through the night so, no complaints here. And, Griffin had a good reason to wake up, his foot had gotten caught in the slats of the crib.

Then about 6:30, like clockwork, Carter comes in our room and wakes us up. Greg tended to him and fell back in bed. Then Griffin woke up for good at 7:15. Then we were all up.

I knew my dad was on his way here to trade cars with us since we are going out of town next weekend and needed a bigger vehicle, which is his mini-van. So, before 8:00 AM...yes, people, BEFORE 8 and BEFORE I even finished my first cup of coffee I was OUTSIDE with both boys cleaning up my nasty car. I was too ashamed for my dad to see it in it's current condition.

The boys had a ball outside and I have to really say I enjoyed working outside, even if it was already getting hot. We stayed out there a little over an hour, then once Griffin was down for his nap, we went right back at it. It was invigorating work (because, like I said, my car was a mess!!) and I told Greg afterwards that I really liked working out there with him on that task. Oh, and that we really shouldn't wait four years between inside cleanings, LOL!!!

Then my dad got here and we had a good little visit with lunch and he was on his way.

I like days like this when it is all about family. The privilege of having a daddy to visit with. Not everyone has that privilege and I know some who would love to be spending time with their dad. The privilege of being a mom and a wife. Working together on a task. Some women I know are single moms who do everything on their own. I am very thankful to have a loving husband who helps around the house, who is really a team player. Not all women are that lucky, I know. Treasuring the small moments and attempting to make memories out of what is being said and acted out by my four year old, knowing that all too soon, he is going to be grown up. Looking at Griffin who is doing so many firsts right now, knowing that I am going to blink an eye and he is going to be Carter's age.

Greg and I have really been discussing lately what is important. Do we want to "do" a lot, or do we want to make what we "do" meaningful. I would rather be meaningful. I don't want to be in a hustle and bustle of activity just because that is what the neighbors are doing. My boys are never going to be in more than one activity at a time, I don't want to be pulled in 10 different directions just because that is the expected norm. I don't care if my boys play sports in school. I want them to be good at the one thing that they love to do. Of course I want them well rounded but being busy doesn't make a kid well rounded, it just makes him tired.

I certainly don't have all the answers. I just want to treasure my family. I want to learn to be patient with my boys. I want to teach and train them and show them love. I would love to be perfect at mothering, but I am far from it. So, I apologize to them when I mess up and they forgive me...instantly.

Most of all, I lean on my heavenly father to lead, guide and direct, because no matter how much I may mess up, his grace is sufficient in time of need. And I am so very thankful.

Go hug your family today, whatever that family looks like. Your core group. Call your sister. Hug your kids. Treasure the day, don't just blindly go through one activity to another. Say "enough" when you need to. Breathe.

Treasure your family.

Trusting Even When it Doesn't Make Sense

2010-08-18T12:27:00.000-07:00

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?" Psalm 42:5

That is a question I seem to be asking myself a lot these days. I don't think I have to tell you that we are living in financially trying times. It doesn't seem to be getting better, especially for those of us who are self-employed, like my husband and I. Greg and I have been going through a tremendous transformation, spiritually. Difficult times will do that to you. Our biggest issue is money. We don't have a lot of it right now. We are not greedy people, so, it's not like we are asking for much, just a little security.

Everything inside me screams at me, "Go get a job!!!". I mean, it makes sense, right? Go get a job! But every time I try I am reminded that that is not what He has called me to do. He has called me to ministry and for the past 18 months or more I have not focused on that calling. I was not in a place mentally, physically or spiritually where I could focus on my calling. But He has brought me through, and more than ever, it is CLEAR what I should be focusing on and I pray that I am faithful to follow Him, even when it doesn't make sense.

One thing we have learned is in WHO are we putting security? Ourselves or God? The trial has been good. I wish it didn't have to happen, but the bible tells us over and over that we will have trials and tribulations, and somehow, this is all supposed to be for our good. Some days, I admit, it is truly hard to focus on that bit of truth..."all things work together for good."

I was putting gas in my car yesterday and was mindlessly thinking about things and I looked in the back seat at my kids empty car seats. Then I thought about the things that Carter says or does and Griffin's laugh and walk and I thought, man, they have got it so easy. No trouble, no trials, they don't have to worry about anything. Greg and I supply everything they need and more.

Remember how you always wanted to grow up? When you were in high school you were always 16...and a half or almost 17, right? I wonder at what point we stop adding half-years to our age? LOL! I know it has been a while since I added a half. But, it is so funny to think about how all we wanted to do was to be grown up. Have responsibilities. Get a job. Get married. Have kids. Be free from what our parents were telling us to do.

And do you think we listened to our parents when they told us not to grow up too fast? No, we probably rolled our eyes at them. We had no idea the responsibilities that came with growing up, having a job and a family.

I would love to trade in some of that responsibility about right now. Don't get me wrong. I am tremendously blessed and I do not take that for granted. I love my husband and children and I am so thankful for them. But....

The weight of this world, not only the financial crisis our country is in, but the spiritual state of our country. The wars and rumors of wars. The horrendous crimes against women and children in all parts of the world, including the US. Sometimes. Sometimes it just bogs me down. It makes my soul downcast. The responsibility. Oh, the responsibility of it ALL.

What is going to happen with our business, the kids education, their safety? How do I keep my children safe in this kind of world? What are we going to have to handle as Christians in the future? What kind of world have I borne children into??? It's scary. It was a lot less scary when it was just me and I was worry about paying all my bills. Now I have to worry about my kids, and all our financial responsibilities. Along with the possibility that the world as we know it is coming to an end.

Sound a bit dramatic? It probably is, but it's what I FEEL. So, I am putting it out there. And I am thanking God that in the midst of all my worries and trials I don't have to endure it alone. I mean, I can, if I choose to. But, God has provided a way out. Not to sound cliche, but He's got the whole world in His hands. It's not my responsibility to worry about all this.

Right now we are praying for a miracle, financially. God has provided and our needs always seem to get met, but we are facing some things that could cripple our future and our life. We don't know how to get out of it. And it is not due to fiscal irresponsibility. I married an excellent money manager. I thank God for that. We live very conservatively with what we have. We don't have car payments. We do everything "right". I am very thankful for that. But, we are still in a mess because of the economy. We have had two years of financial downfall and as good as we have been at managing money, when the money stops coming in, eventually, you run out.

I say all that to say this. We are fully trusting God for a miracle. For Him to provide like He has never provided before. Something that only He can do. And we have thanked him in advance for his provision. We are willing to do whatever He asks us to do. Even if that means making some very painful decisions.

But one thing we have learned through all of this is in WHO are we trusting and WHO is providing. Our work and investments do not provide for us, God does. I do not put my trust in our ability to be financially responsible. I put my trust in GOD. He is the one who is providing everything. Bottom line. I think we had forgotten that and God had to remind us of that. But now, we know. He is Jehovah-Jirah. And we will praise Him in this storm.

If the end of the world is coming (and I don't think it is) who better to trust in than the ONE who created the world.

Just like Greg and I provide for our children, God provides for us. It may not be in the exact way we would wish for, but He provides, bottom line.

"You Parents, if your child asks for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish do you give them a serpent? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him." Matthew 7:9-11

I can rest in the truth of God's word, even when what is going on around me doesn't make sense.

The second part of Psalm 42:5 says this, " Put your hope in GOD for I will yet praise Him my savior and my God". My Life Application Bible describes this verse this way,

"Depression is one of the most common emotional ailments. One antidote for depression is to meditate on the record of God's goodness to his people. This will take your mind off the present situation and give hope that it will improve. It will focus your thoughts on God's ability to help you rather than on your ability to help yourself. When you feel depressed, take advantage of this psalm's ANTI depressant. Read the Bibles accounts of God's goodness, and meditate on them".

vs. 6, "my soul is downcast. Therefore I will remember YOU [God].

Sounds like a good plan to me. Beats any plan that I can come up with. He's going to protect us and our kids and make everything work for our good. God has a plan for my kids. As scared as I am with what they are going to have to face in this nasty world I am more encouraged that God has a plan for them and who knows, maybe my boys are the next Martin Luther or Oswald Chambers? Huh? I want them sold out to Christ more than I want them 'safe', whatever that means. I want them to be used for His glory, not mine. So I let them go. Trusting that God has a plan for them and He can protect them a whole lot better than I can.

Put your hope in God.

Okay. I will.

Wanted to share

2010-08-08T10:28:00.001-07:00

I just found this blog on post-partum depression and wanted to pass it along.

As someone who has suffered with post-partum depressive symptoms with each pregnancy, I know how important it is to educate mom's out there on this issue.

Life doesn't ever really return to "normal" (whatever that is) but we just make a new normal and go with it.

I am amazed as I share my story with others how many women struggle with this issue after having a baby, yet it is often not talked about. Miscarriages are the same way, so many women have them (I had three) but we just don't talk about them.

I hope this helps someone out there. I wish I had found this site last year when I was really in the "desert"!!!

Click here for the BLOG

Have a great rest of the weekend!

General Baptist Convention

2010-08-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

I had the privilege of speaking at the General Baptist Convention, July 26-28 th, for the second year in a row. This year it was held in Franklin, TN, not too far from home. Had a great time with some great people. This year I spoke on Consequences, Ending Discipline with a Positive Conclusion, and Family Time Training.

I wanted to share with you a few photos.

Speaking on Wednesday

Table shot. There is my handy helper Heather. She was a great help, and her three week old baby Stephen Thomas was quite popular, too.

Another table shot.

Thank you to National Center for Biblical Training for giving me the opportunity to represent them!

If you would like to learn more about NCBP you can go here!

To learn more about me as a speaker please visit my website here! My website is in under construction and I will be updating it soon. I will post an update when it is completed.

The Gift of Children

2010-08-05T12:32:00.000-07:00

I don't often "gush" about my children. The truth is, being a mom is hard. I don't sugarcoat it. And, I enjoy being away from my children, it gives me a break, it's healthy, and we just get along better when we have had a break from each other.

I realize not all moms are like this, but I respect moms who want to be with their children 24/7, and hopefully, they respect the fact that God created us all as individuals and truthfully, we ALL need a break sometime, some just more than others.

But lately I have just been amazed by my children. Their preciousness, the fragility, the gift of who they are and why they are here.

I absolutely love hearing my four year old talk about God. I mean, he really gets God. It goes back to child like faith. Kids have it cause, well, they're children, LOL. But Carter gets trusting God. Carter knows that God created everything...including TV remotes, PBS and the movies that he watches. ha ha. Didn't you know that? Let me share with you.

The other day Carter came in while I was attempting to have my devotions. We call this my "talk to Jesus" time. He immediately wanted to talk to Jesus too and I said, "ok", knowing my time was over. Anyway, we started talking about creation and going through what was created on each day. Carter added a new day (well, several, actually) and he said something like this, "and on the eighth day, God created TV remotes so we could watch TV everyday. And PBS and movies. Then on the Twelfth day, God created the earth, sun, moon and the stars and everything in our backyard, and our beautiful house and the beautiful Wii games.

Now, he may not have gotten everything right, but it was too good not to write down. I love hearing him sing, talk and pray to God. It is so precious and innocent. It's not corrupted by having to live this life of so many years that takes the joy and trust out of knowing God (if we allow it to).

My baby boy is starting Pre-K tomorrow. I am not a sappy mom, in any way, and if you know me, you know this is true. But this past week I have just been watching my children be children and I am amazed that they are mine. Not because they are the smartest, cutest, or best at everything. But because they have so much potential in this world. And I am the person they spend the most time with. This means that I have the absolute most influence on their lives and how they turn out (besides God, of course).

And I have been reminded of the fact that I can either lift my children up or tear them down...in a matter of seconds! I am not proud of every word that has come out of my mouth to the ears of my children. Or even the looks that I sometimes give them with a scowl. No, I am not proud of every moment because I am human and we all mess up and the best I can do with that is learn from it.

But besides knowing Christ and Him being the center of their life, I long for my children to remember kindness from me. Laughter and giggles. Tickling matches and discipline done out of love, not anger.

See, they have the whole world at their fingertips. Today as we were driving Carter to meet his new teacher and have orientation Carter asked for the "Bar CD" to be played in the car. That is his description of the praise babies worship CD that we have that he LOVES. And I love that he loves it and sings along with it. So, we sang the first song together on the way to school and I was almost in tears.

Then Carter sealed the deal. He said, "Momma, when I get big, I am going to pick out my own CD and put it in the player. And when I get big I am going to sit in the front seat with you. And, when I get big, I'm going to drive just like you and daddy".

All I could muster was a "uh-huh" cause I was about to lose it. Then I said, more to Greg than Carter, " and one day you will fall in love, and one day you will...."

I couldn't finish it. Because I just can't believe that I get the privilege every day to train up this child in the way he should go. I get to see him grow up and Greg and I are entrusted with him, hopefully, for a very, very long time.

His life is just starting, with all the innocence and glow of a four year old. And I really wish nothing would mess that up. But I know I don't have any control over that.

I just pray that I can be the mom he deserves.

A journey through a dry, desert land

2010-07-09T08:04:00.001-07:00

I am not sure how to write this blog post. There is just too much to write. So, I will give an introduction today to my heart the things the Lord is doing in my life.

It is coming on the third anniversary of my friend Roxanne's death. I can't believe that it has been three years. And what a three years it has been.

I lost a very close friend. I had two more miscarriages (for a total of three) and then I was blessed with a beautiful, healthy son, who was welcomed by his older brother, Carter, in 2009. Oh, and I stopped believing in God.

What? How could I stop believing in God. Well, I stopped believing in His goodness. I stopped believing that He was good and that He was for me. Instead, I decided to believe in fear. I accepted fear into my life and into my heart and into my mind. It was a gradual process that led me to being controlled by fear and anxiety. It led to a slippery slope of bondage that felt like I would never be able to climb out.

They say hindsight is 20/20 and as I look back on the last three years I can see the gradual pull away from God and towards fear. As someone close to me recently said, "the devil was having a heyday with you!". And that was true. It was definitely a gradual process but it doesn't matter how gradual it was because it sucked the life out of me altogether. In the end, there was nothing left but fear, anger and anxiety. And an unbelief in God.

Thankfully, the Lord put some really wonderful people in my life and I finally reached for help, only to learn that God had not changed at all, but I had. He was still good, faithful and true. What I was choosing to believe in, the fear, anxiety and depression, was not.

There was definitely a lot of confession involved in returning to a trust in Christ, and it didn't happen overnight. I had to allow the Lord back in my heart. I had built a wall and gradually I allowed Him back in until I couldn't stand it any longer. I had to give him every piece of my broken heart and trust Him with it. Trust Him with my husband and my boys, who aren't even mine to begin with.

I had to choose to believe. And I choose to believe every day.

Thank you father for this journey. It has been painful and I know we have a long way to go, but you are GOOD. You did not give me a spirit of bondage again to fear but a spirit of adoption where I cry out, ABBA FATHER!!! I don't want to be double minded, and that is what fear is. The only thing I want to fear is YOU, but a holy, humble fear in you, not a scary fear like you are out to get me (in case that is what some people who read this think I am writing about). A godly fear where I humble myself before you and accept EVERYTHING that you give me as working toward my good.

Thank you father for restoration and for never letting me go. Thank you for the gift of Roxanne and how precious she was in my life. I pray she is taking care of my babies in heaven, finally being a mom since she never got to be one here on earth. And thank YOU for taking care of everything on this earth so that I don't have to!! Amen.

I am very happy to have my husband back

2010-03-21T14:30:00.000-07:00

Greg made it back safely from Haiti. We were able to meet him at the airport. Carter started running toward Greg when he saw him. It was very sweet. Griffin just kind of looked at him like, 'who are you?".

We had a wonderful dinner at home with 'American' food. Topped off with chocolate cake for dessert. Greg is now taking a nap and his clothes are being sanitized in the washer, literally. So glad we have a 'sanitize' button on the washing machine.

We are very, very happy he is home. Thanks to everybody for their prayers and support.

Bad dreams, pink eye, and other not so fun stuff!

2010-03-16T11:43:00.000-07:00

Greg has been gone for almost four days now. I was able to talk to him last night, very briefly, but that's okay. As long as I got to hear his voice. He sounded tired as they had worked all day and they were getting ready to go to dinner. Hopefully, I will get to hear from him again tonight.

I survived the weekend OK. Had some really yucky dreams Saturday night and didn't sleep well. Griffin woke up really early and really sick. Monday morning I took him to the doctor and found out he has pink eye in both eyes AND a double ear infection. Poor guy. But he looks so much better today after 24 hours of antibiotics both in the eye and orally.

I was able to tell Greg about the pink eye/ear infection and he felt really bad. I really feel like Satan is attempting to throw every fiery dart at us during this time, but I still cling to the peace that I have felt from the beginning. Fortunately, my mom made it hear yesterday and it has been wonderful having another adult in the house and being able to leave the house without kids, even if it just to go to the grocery store. Yay for moms!!!!!

Our church has a website with pictures of the guys in Haiti. Greg is in the first picture that is part of the slide show. He spent yesterday building pews for the church. The link to that website is here.

I will share more later about what God is doing through Greg being gone, both in my life and his. It has definitely been a time for growth for me and renewed trust. It's been a long time since I could say I fully trust God with everything. But, each day I feel like I am moving one step closer to having that back. And He has been here all the time. it is me that has allowed fear, doubt and anxiety to cloud my relationship with Him. But He always finds a way of bringing us back to Him. Sometimes in amazing ways.

That's all I have for now. If I get more updates I will let you know. I know Greg wanted to update on facebook while he was there but the Internet has been down the entire time.

Greg made it to Haiti.

2010-03-13T14:24:00.000-08:00

I was able to talk to him very briefly today. I have to admit I dislike not being able to pick up the phone and talk to my husband any time I want. It stinks.

He had one more 30 minute plane ride to the town they are staying in for the week, but I don't know if I will get to hear from him any more today.

He says it is very hot and humid (very much expected it to be) and that they spent about two hours riding around in a bus touring the city and viewing all the devastation. All in all, about 75 percent of Port au Prince was destroyed.

I am glad he is there but I wish he was home. I know he is there for a reason but it still doesn't make me not want him here any less. I know his life will be changed by this trip and so will mine.

I am just going to try and take it day by day. I am not worried about him, I know he is safe and will return home safely, but it doesn't mean I like it that he is in Haiti.

The boys have done great the past day and a half. I know I can feel the prayers of many and they are very much appreciated.

Greg leaves for Haiti today...

2010-03-12T07:42:00.000-08:00

In just a few minutes we are all going to the airport to see him off. I have a perfect peace right now that I just do not understand but I have a feeling a lot of people are praying for us! And I am very thankful.

I know this is what he is supposed to do. I know he is going to arrive safely and he will accomplish what God has called him to do. And he will come home next Sunday safe and sound.

Please join me this week in praying for Greg (if you don't pray, then please send loving thoughts). Pray for me and my patience with the boys. God is wanting to grow me, too. It's not about me, it's about Him.

Greg posted last night that he was leaving and I am posting this to facebook through my blog. I figure since I am technically not on facebook I am still not breaking my fast, I can post this to facebook directly from my blog.

Please follow my blog for updates, if I have any.

Thanks, again, for your prayers!!!

Love,
The Mayo's

So, I have been a week without facebook....

2010-02-24T09:56:00.000-08:00

My week without facebook has been good. It was really hard, I will have to say. I was used to checking facebook every 5 minutes (or more) so it was really hard giving it up cold turkey. I will say I had to log on twice last week to send a message to a couple of people cause that is the only that I communicate with some. Thankfully, they have now given me their personal info. So, it kind of helped seeing a few status updates during that time to ease the pain of withdrawal. LOL.

I have been extremely emotional lately, and that is a good thing. I haven't felt a lot of stuff in so long with the post-partum depression symptoms that I was finding myself crying out of God saying, "please let me feel again!". And boy, He delivered!

To say that I have been held captive by fear these last few months would be an understatement. I am thankful for a God who stays by my side even when it seems I am not on His. No matter what I do, think, or feel can separate me from God's love. And I have been feeling that more and more, praise God!

There is a battle raging within me to TRUST Him, for He is good. I know this, I have experienced it in the past, but releasing everything to Him to trust Him for some reason is just often very difficult, especially when you are experiencing anxiety and fear. Hello!

But it has dawned on me these last few weeks that I am in control of what I believe, the thoughts that I allow in my mind and Who or What I am thinking upon. Today, I decided to think on Christ. To think on what is good, holy and just. To praise Him.

And for now I am just going to stay in this moment. The battle is not over but thank goodness I can finally see (again) just Who has won the war.

Amen!

I do kinda miss facebook....

2010-02-18T11:09:00.000-08:00

But in a way, I don't. It is really hard to describe. It is very freeing not checking it every five minutes, which is what I was doing, but I miss sharing stuff and seeing everyone's stuff they are sharing. But, it is only 40 days and it will do me good.

I have thought of several status updates (of course) and have nowhere to put them. Most of them have had to do with the kids, or lack of sleep, you know, the usual. But today I have had a really good day marketing my new private practice and I have gotten a lot accomplished with both boys in Mother's Day Out so it has been a good day. I am hoping by next week to have my brochures and website updated and I have called several pediatrician offices and they are VERY eager to have referral material. So, it is a good day.

Oh, and I got my hair done so it is an even better day with new color and trim!!!

Hopefully, in the weeks to come I will have much more in depth thoughts and feelings and try to get out of the habit of writing snippets on my life, like I do on facebook, and get down to some deep stuff from my heart.

I'm looking forward to it!

Getting off facebook for a while

2010-02-16T09:41:00.001-08:00

I am signing off of facebook for a while, during lent, but it really has to do more than just lent. I need to be updating this blog more often, writing more often, which is why I started this blog in the first place. I update on facebook so much that I don't write, and I know it is something I am supposed to be doing.

Also, Greg is going to Haiti on a mission trip March 12-20th. I really need a place to vent some feelings and update people on his trip. I hope that I will be able to communicate with him during that time, but we have Verizon and have learned that Verizon does not work in Haiti.

Please be praying for Greg's safety and my sanity as I have the boys all to myself that week. Also, what the Lord is wanting to teach Greg and I during this time. I definitely fear for his safety there, yet I know it is where he is supposed to be and the Lord will take care of the rest.

So, hopefully, during the next 40 days I will be updating here more often and writing more often like I should be doing anyway instead of being distracted with facebook.

Hope you can tag along.

Susan

Griffin is nine months old

2010-01-11T10:59:00.000-08:00

We have been very busy the past month moving into our new home. I finally updated Griffin's baby website and decided to post it on here. I can't believe in three months my baby is going to be one year old. Very hard to believe!

Click here to visit updated pictures along with Griffin's first Christmas and our first Christmas in our new home. We are still unpacking and I haven't started decorating, but the boys are all settled in and we are looking forward to seeing them grow up here.

Be looking for even more pictures soon. Carter turns four on the 16th! I can't believe it!

Repetitive Annoyances or Precious Memories?

2009-10-02T14:13:00.000-07:00

This morning Carter woke up early and crawled up with me in my chair. He had all 10 or so of his Chick fil A books that he has been carrying around now for several days, literally. He takes them to bed with him, he wakes up with them. He takes them in the living room and stacks them. If they fall over, he has a meltdown. Sometimes, he helps them fall over, then he has a meltdown...."NOOOoooooooooooooo!", he'll shout. It gets old. Whether it's having to find a beloved toy so that he can go to sleep or having to watch Larry Boy and the Bad Apple video 40 times before he moves on to the next video we'll watch, the routine can be very taxing on us grown ups. What's calming to them can drive us crazy.

This morning he wanted me to read his books to him, all 10 or so. Greg also reads all of them before he goes to bed at night, also upon request. As I was reading them to him (thankfully, he got distracted and I was able to stop at two or three books) he kept repeating the same response he does when Greg reads to him at night. He points to the pictures and says something about it, always the same. He likes his books to be read in order and if you skip a page....well, he will take you right back where you left off. The little fellow can't read but he sure knows his pictures.

There are umpteen different things that Carter says or does in his routine that can get REALLY old!
1. The way he has to say, "probably" before he answers anything we ask him, it is always said in a questioning tone. An example:
Me: Carter, do you want a cereal bar for a snack?
Carter: Probably, I would get sick if I ate a cereal bar.
2. The grunting noise he is currently doing with his mouth, just because he learned how and can
3. The way I have to give twenty hugs and twenty kisses at bedtime, not five, not ten...twenty each.
4. Carter has to have warm milk every morning. (EW!)
5. He carries his very tattered (no exaggeration) yellow blankies with him around the house.
6. The way he wants to wear his spiderman crocs with EVERYTHING, even on Sunday to church
7. The way he eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches every day and would be perfectly content if that was all he had to eat.
8. On that note, the way he scoffs at anything in casserole form I put on his plate for dinner. Meat, too.
9. The way bananas are ONLY for night time snack, he cannot have them any other time of the day.
10 The way that the term, "fruit" to him means those little fruit cups you buy in the store. Fresh strawberries, bananas and apples are NOT fruit! When he says fruit you know he means those little cups from the pantry. :-) And I could go on and on and on.

Everything has to have an order to it and if you get it out of order you will know it immediately. It's part of how he is developing. Sometimes we go along with him and sometimes we have to tell him he can't have his way or that it's okay to veer off in a different direction than the one he is going in.

Most of the time Greg and I roll our eyes at the endless repetitiveness of our preschool aged son. Sometimes we get really tired of the routine. Like this morning. I really wanted to sit in my chair, drink my coffee and have my devotions. So as I was sitting there reading his little books to him, I started resenting the routine. Then I remembered that he wasn't always going to be this little. And soon the routine would stop. Before too long, I will have to be searching him out and wanting him to include us in his routine, or insist that our regular routine as a family is still in place even though he has become a busy teenager and might think it uncool to hang with the 'rents! I can't imagine that day but I know it is coming.

So, I read him his books and smiled. It really warmed my heart. The next time I am having to do something that seems endlessly boring and routine I will try to remember that this too shall pass, and I will be longing for the days when he can sit in my lap and give me a BIG hug and kiss, or twenty, and ask me to read to him.

Griffin is FIVE months old!

2009-09-25T07:35:00.000-07:00

Very hard to believe that my baby is growing up so fast. We have updated his website with new pictures, which are cute and adorable.

You can go to his website here. Enjoy!!!! He is total cuteness. I'm not biased at all.

I am feeling much better. I still have my hormonal moments (bless Greg's heart) but all in all, I feel life is taking an upswing and I am only waiting for it to get better.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and concerns!

After Griffin turns one year all the family updates will be on here and I will be posting on this site much more frequently.

See ya!

The Baby Blues, part two

2009-09-01T15:13:00.000-07:00

This is a continuation of a post from earlier in the day.

God has been speaking to me in small ways here and there. Even if I didn't always feel that He was there, I kept searching for Him and asking Him to show up. And he started to in many small ways. I was just so ready for the heaviness in my heart to be extinguished. There were many verses along the way that I clung to:

Psalm 94:19
In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul

Phillipians 4:6-13

Phil 4:6-7
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your heart and minds through Christ Jesus.

Phil 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Psalm 121

And many, many more. I just clung to them in the fog.

Then, today I was just simply reminded that God Is. He has reminded me that He is Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end; the God who Was and Is and Is to be. Period. That is the reason for this post, because I can't remain silent.

I was reading Oswald Chambers for a change this morning and I can’t even remember now what I was reading, except that it convicted me, as usual. My Utmost for His Highest has a way of doing that. But in my mind I had a song playing in my head that I knew was a scripture passage and if something is in my head and it stays there I tend to either look it up or listen to the song, whichever it is. The words that were going through my mind were,

“Eye has not seen, ear has not heard…”

I knew the tune and I am somewhat embarrassed to say that it is from a Southern Gospel song from the 1990’s. But it was a great song. Those were the only words I could remember out of that song. I knew who sang it, I knew who wrote it, but that is all I could think of. I started looking up those words in the bible and was surprised at what I found.

But it is written, eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him. I Corinthians 2:9

At first I wondered why this verse was in my head. Nothing stood out except for the grandness of God and how amazing and powerful He is, and how I, a mere human on this earth, have not heard or seen anything compared to what God has in store for those that love Him. So I stumbled upon some commentary readings online. And Matthew Henry’s stuck out to me the most. I was humbled and in awe because I knew God was speaking to me; the God who I wanted to question and the God that I had trouble, “feeling”.

Here is what it said,
“…There are things that God hath prepared for those that love him and wait for him, which sense cannot discover, no teaching can convey to our ears, nor can it yet enter our hearts. We must take them as they stand in the Scriptures, as God hath been pleased to reveal them to us.”

Wow. God reminded me, again, that not only is He real, but even though I can’t see him or hear him (in the literal sense) He is here. It brought me peace. I don’t know why I have to be reminded of Who God Is, but I do. Then I am humbled, and grateful, and in awe.

“We must take them as they stand in the Scriptures”. It is enough. He is a great mystery. I can’t see Him, I can’t touch Him. But He is here. And my heart will be healed. He just wants me to hold on and cling to Him and to know He is real.

One of the Glory Revealed CD’s has this song on it entitled, ‘Since the World Began’, which is scripture out of Isaiah 64:4 which is where the scripture in I Corinthians references.
“Since the world began no ear has heard, no eye has seen a God like You, Oh a God like You…”
I don’t think it is a coincidence that I have been listening to that CD, and other worship CD’s for comfort. I don’t like feeling dead inside. But I know that I am not dead inside. I know that I love God the best way that I can and I know He has prepared for me things that I cannot even imagine. I can’t even really put it into words in a way that even attempts the concept of Who Christ is. That’s how big He is.

It’s like I had to start back at the beginning, again. It starts with the humbleness and awe that believing that God is real in spite of not having the taste, touch, feel and hear aspect of Who He Is. I just have to trust Him and take Him at His Word. Then I am reminded over and over of the things He has done in my life. I don’t understand why He doesn't get tired of me and my questions. I am thankful that He never will.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not SEEN (emphasis mine). Hebrews 11:1

The Baby Blues, part one

2009-09-01T07:14:00.000-07:00

I will lift up my eyes to the hills---From whence comes my help? My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1

Having two kids changes things, in many ways. Everyone tells you that. Everyone tells you that no two babies are the same. But nothing can prepare you for having two kids. You remember the exhaustion of having a newborn in the house. You remember your hormones (at least the women do) and you remember the feeling of just waiting to get past the first six to eight weeks, because anything before that was really just a blur.

Then, when you think things have calmed down, you might have this handling two kids down a little bit, it hits. You remember this feeling. You had it with your first child. The feelings of being overwhelmed. The anxiety. The fear. All unfounded, irrational and unlikely. But yet, it is there, creeping slowly into your heart making you feel dead inside.

Whether you call it "the baby blues" or Post-Partum Depression, it really doesn't matter because it puts a total damper on bringing new life into the world and no matter how hard you attempt not to feel that way it seeps in like a slow leak in your lifeboat. And pretty soon you feel like you are going to drown.

For me, this also affects every aspect of my life. I question everything. There are things in my mind and heart that I know are irrational and I keep telling myself that but you feel so dead inside, or unfeeling, that it just makes sense that what you are feeling is reality. This also affects me spiritually. Being a new mom, it is difficult to get time with the Lord every day. This makes one even weaker spiritually. Then you feel so dead inside that you start to question even God's existence, His power, His creation, what He has done. Again, this is all irrational, and you know it, but not being able to feel anything you just begin to wonder. Satan loves to slip in and cause doubt and fear and whispers in your ear, "do you really believe all this???" I am just talking about the spiritual aspect of my fear. I will spare you the fear and anxiety regarding my children, husband, and life in general. But when you start doubting you entire belief system, you know things are going really downhill, really fast.

I can sit here and write this because, one, I know God already knows how I feel and He loves and accepts me right where I am. I don't have to fake it with Him. I don't have to put a smile on my face and greet Him in false joy. He knows. And it's okay because I am not going to be in this place forever. He understands. He know that I know He is the creator of the universe and that all things were made by Him and for Him and His pleasure. I believe there really is a heaven. I believe He made heaven and earth, but it is so big to me to think that right now. It overwhelms me much like the fear and anxiety that is putting a choke hold on my heart right now.

The only thing I knew to do was to keep on keeping on. I was taking care of myself physically the way that I needed to. So, it was just a matter of time. Even if I didn't feel like God was real at the moment, I knew in my heart, in deepest, darkest and smallest part of my heart that HE IS. And I clung to that.

When you cry out to God, He responds. He listens. It may not be in the very moment an answer that you are looking for but it doesn't mean He isn't there. The Lord was able to reach me in rare moments of clarity and I clung to that. Even if I didn't feel it for a long time.

I am going to continue this post tomorrow. It is a post of victory. God's victory. He is the Healer. The Ultimate Healer. He is Truth. He is Righteousness. And He is REAL. I will share the verses I clung to in the midst of my BLAH and anxiety. I am not all the way there, but spiritually,I know He is working in me and I am beginning to feel. And it's a good feel. My circumstances haven't changed that much, but my heart has. And for that I am thankful.

More tomorrow or later today.

Sigh....melted heart!

2009-07-15T12:54:00.000-07:00

At first I wondered how do you get your child to tell you he loves you, without prompting him? I kept telling him I loved him from the time he was born and so wanted to hear those words. We are very affectionate with Carter and he loves giving kisses and hugs and we had millions of, oh, so snuggly moments. I knew I felt the love from him, I just wanted to hear him say it. So, even though I showed him I loved him, and told him I loved him, he still had to be taught to say the words. But even though he would repeat the words when I asked him to I felt they really didn't count until they came from his HEART.

That happened last week when Carter came into the kitchen while Greg and I were discussing our day. Carter comes in and wrapped his arms around my legs and gave me a big hug and said, "I love you, mama, I love you". My heart MELTED. It was gone. I looked at Greg and I was nearly in tears. It was so sweet. And, of course, I told him I loved him too and hugged him back.

This weekend Greg and I had been away and my sister was keeping our kids. When we came back to her house Greg and Carter were sitting on the couch. Carter was curled up in Greg's lap and they were watching Monsters, Inc. (for the gazillionith time!). Carter hugs Greg and curls up a little bit closer to him and says, "I love you dad, I love you". Greg, my niece and myself all look at each other and I think I am going to burst into tears again! Greg tells him he loves him too and Carter repeats it a second and third time. It was precious!!!

It makes it ALL worth it!

Griffin is two months old!!!!!

2009-06-17T16:21:00.001-07:00

I have updated Griffin’s webpage with new pics! Stop by if you have a minute and take a look! Enjoy!

http://www.babyjellybeans.com/web/do/site/home?ID=516613

Love,
The Mayo’s

Sleepless nights, reflux and colic...

2009-06-11T12:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I don't know about the colic, I think Griffin is just fussy because he hurts. He has reflux and I think sometimes he just doesn't feel good. He wants to be held a lot. But I am jumping ahead.

Griffin is almost 2 months old. I will update his website next week with new pictures. I have his birth announcement all ready and I am just waiting for it to be printed. I took the pictures myself and a friend of mine photoshopped the announcement. It looks so good!!! I say that because I didn't do it, I just took the pictures. :) I am very thankful for my friend, Sarah, though!!!

The reflux has really thrown us for a loop. Carter never had it and was a VERY easy baby. And I have to say that Griffin is still an easy baby, in temperament, he just is fussy and hurts sometimes. I would too if my little digestive tract wasn't all the way developed and is trying to grow up to keep up with the baby, which it eventually will. He will outgrow this. We are also blessed in that Griffin's reflux is not the "spit-up" kind. He just sounded like he was very sick with a chest cold and congestion when I took him to the ped. He was coughing and choking when he ate. (insert very sad mommy face here). It stunk. But the meds are working and he is a very happy little boy. We have to keep him upright for 30 minutes after his feedings, we switched bottles (mainly for gas issues) and we are on a special thicker formula. After the feeding in the night he gets to sleep in his car seat, which he doesn't seem to mind too much! LOL.

Griffin has slept through the night at least 4 nights, two of them being the past two nights. We are especially thankful for that because I was getting to the point of losing my mind, literally. It just really wears a person down. I probably have a low tolerance level because the Lord has blessed me with good sleepers. I was concerned about the reflux hindering Griffin sleeping because a lot of reflux babies have difficulty sleeping comfortably. But, he is letting us sleep until 5:00 am now, which is wonderful.

Carter is still adjusting very well. He has been in the terrible three's (instead of the terrible two's, which he skipped) for a while now so I honestly have not seen any new behaviors, but he does act out. He is Mr.-Independent-I-DO-IT!!!!!!! Little man and some days whatever I say, and I mean EVERYTHING, he does completely opposite.

I am going to close with some pictures I took of Griffin and Carter for his birth announcement. These didn't make it in but a lot of them turned out really cute! Enjoy!

Griffin is one month old!!!

2009-05-15T09:47:00.000-07:00

Please check out new pictures on his website!!!

http://www.babyjellybeans.com/web/do/site?ID=26114

Griffin Ryder Mayo has arrived!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-04-20T11:57:00.000-07:00

Griffin Ryder arrived at 3:17 pm on Thursday, April 16th at 3:17 PM. He weighed 7 lbs and 4 1/2 oz and is 20 1/2 inches long. He is perfect and healthy!

Baby Griffin

Love this picture of Daddy and Griffin

Dr. Dunn, my OB with Griffin and I after the delivery

Awww.....love this pic! Daddy, Carter and Griffin

Mommy, Daddy and Griffin...we need to get a whole family shot including Carter

Carter's potty breakthrough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-04-01T11:39:00.001-07:00

We have been attempting potty training for some time now with Carter. We introduced him to the potty chair very early and we have all the videos, books, etc. Once he showed an interest we did all the things we were supposed to do in terms of helping him use the potty. I read all the books, we never pushed him, and we basically just allowed him to attempt it when he felt ready.

Well, we hit a wall around the time he hit three. Carter loved watching the videos, reading the books, he even took his stuffed bear and put big boy underwear on him, had him sit in the potty chair, wiped his bottom when he was through....everything, step by step. But, when you asked Carter to sit on the potty we all got a big, fat N-O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He did not want to sit on the potty. He did not want to wear big boy underwear. He did not want to wear a pull up. We had to reward him for just sitting on the potty without doing any "business". Eventually, though, he wouldn't even do that.

The other day we were, very positively, attempting to get him to wear big boy underwear and he was in tears. We didn't know what to do. He knows everything he needs to it is just a matter of his CHOOSING to do it.

Everyone had told us that eventually he would do it. I had to keep telling myself that he would be potty trained...everyone is, right? And so would he. I figured that one day, he would just sit on the potty and go......and guess what??????????????

HE DID!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is the cute story of how Carter peed in the potty for the first time.

Carter asked to watch his Elmo Potty video (for the umpteenth time), I did not give it a second thought. I was busy in the kitchen preparing lunch when I saw Carter attempting to take his diaper off like a pull up. I helped him out because the one thing he will do is run around naked, which we have heard helps with potty training too. I went back to doing what I was doing and next thing I know Carter comes in the kitchen completely naked, and very pleased with himself. Of course I ask him if he needs to go pee pee, as I do most days, just because you never know, he might. He shakes his head "no", then "yes". But he wants me to stay in the kitchen. I ask him if he needs any help and he points his finger at me and says, "go, mama", pointing to the kitchen. He did not want me anywhere near him.

Well, I am quite intrigued at this point so I go into the kitchen and listen and watch him. In my mind I am thinking this is too good to be true. He is not actually going to go potty....I peeked around the corner and he was in the bathroom. Then I saw him sit, not in his potty chair, but the toilet. I picked up the phone to call Greg. I was whispering as not to disturb Carter or to let him know I was watching him. He stands up and appears to be playing with his cup we use for bath time. My hope starts to dwindle.

Then I saw him get back on the potty. I am giving Greg the play by play. He gets down and starts to stand at the potty (just like daddy). Carter gets very excited. He comes out to tell me he has peed. I start looking for evidence and have to admit it was very hard to find. I could see he had played in the water a bit, but I couldn't tell if any of the water on the toilet or floor was pee. He kept pointing to the toilet showing me where the pee was, he said, "it go, right in there" I was encouraging him anyways. I looked at the floor and in the toilet, desperately searching for something yellow and not clear. Then, I found it!

The drop of yellow pee on the rim!

That was all it took. I put Greg on speaker phone and we acted as if Carter had just won the World Series or some other amazing feat. Carter was so happy and pleased with himself. I didn't care if it was a dribble.....it was PEE. It was something. Then, Carter seemed to think he had more pee in him.. and he did!!!!!!!!!!!!! And this time it was a stream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes!!!!! I still had Greg on the phone and we played it up big. Carter was so excited!!!!!!! After he was done, we put sticker upon sticker on his chart. We reward in this house for pottying and I gave him the choice of a cookie or M & M and he chose cookie. With cookie in hand, he went back to the bathroom. It's like he couldn't get enough. I asked him if he wanted to tell Grandma Mayo and he shook his head "yes". I called Grandma Mayo to continue the applause and positive reinforcement. I asked if he wanted to call Nana..."no, not yet". Carter continued to pee, hit and miss, for a few more minutes. I am washing the rug right now. LOL! But who cares, it's PEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have never been so excited to see pee on the floor in my life. And the fact that he was skipping the chair all together and went straight to the pot! Yay!

I won't continue to bore you with all the details of our potty training day, but he is now napping with a pull-up on!!!!! I am not too worried about him peeing through it because he has been sick and hasn't had that many fluids so it's not a typical "soaker" of a day, if you know what I mean.

I know this is just the beginning and there will be many set backs. But he is doing it. He really WILL be potty trained! I just can't believe it!

I just hope Carter doesn't mind this being posted all over the Internet one day. While on the phone with Greg I actually said, "why don't I have the video camera on????" Like that is something he is going to show his girlfriends one day. I am sure he will be very thankful there is no video of his first pee in the potty. ha ha.

I have plenty of blackmail in other pictures to be shown to the public one day, preferably at his rehearsal dinner before he gets married....which is a very, very, very, long way away. Long ways away!

Thanks for reading this. I am one proud mama right now!

What Greg has to put up with.....

2009-03-12T08:02:00.001-07:00

Carter's transition to his big boy bed...

2009-02-27T11:19:00.001-08:00

Since baby boy #2 is due in less than 8 weeks we figured we better get started on a nursery for him. Which meant getting the crib away from Carter and into the nursery. Seeing as how potty training has not been going well I was thinking that moving Carter to a big boy bed would be more, well, traumatic. It could not have been more simpler.

We talked to him about a big boy bed for a while. And to be honest, I think he had outgrown the toddler bed, which is his crib that he had as a baby that converts to toddler then on to a double. I have posted a couple of pictures below that show him sprawled over the bed not looking too comfy for good sleeps. He also always liked being under mommy and daddy's covers, not that he got to do that too often.

So, last weekend we decided the time was right. Carter went with us to buy the bed. We already had a twin comforter for him all we had to do was get it ready. He seemed up to the task but you never really know until bedtime.

Well, bedtime came and went and he did his typical stuff. It took him a while to wind down, as usual, but there was no boo hooing for his toddler bed. There were no questions. Nothing.

So then I said, lets see if he makes it through the night......he did. No reaction at all. He loves his big boy bed. Obviously he was ready. If only potty training could be oh, so easy as this transition. Sigh.

Here are some pics in the toddler bed and the big move to the big boy bed. He looks so cute in it every night. And another bonus is that he uses a regular pillow now and covers up. He wouldn't hear of being covered up in his toddler bed, oh, no. Well, now he just snuggles right down in there. So Cute!!!!!!!!! But I am biased.

Here are some pics.

We call this Ode to Pooh. I think this was taken the day before we got his twin bed. I like to think of it as Carter remembering his wonderful time as a baby and being all comforted and loved by bringing all his stuffed animals from his nursery to his bed. Carter had a classic pooh nursery and we redecorated his room when we changed him into a toddler bed. All his animals and blankets have been stored in the office and recently, he has been getting into them a bit. We got baby brother new bedding because Carter seems quite attached to Pooh and well, we didn't want to have to make him share everything. One day for nap time I went in to check on him and here were all his pooh animals piled up next to him. Too sweet!

You know, this just doesn't look comfortable. But this is how we found him one night after we had put him to bed. It takes him a while to wind down, which usually means some type of movement on his part and obviously, this was his last movement of the evening until he conked out! LOL

Another cute pose of Carter totally pooped! This was taken the day after his third birthday. I think he was just too pooped from all the activities of the weekend.

These next few pictures are of the big transition. If you are wondering what those things on the side of the finished bed are, those are rails so that he doesn't fall out of the bed. We will probably keep them up for a few months since we have a mover and a shaker! LOL!

*sniff sniff*

I can't believe my baby is a big boy.

*sigh*

Just wait until he poops in the potty. I will have to post a picture of that, too. Just like on Jon and Kate plus 8! Ha!

Counting My Blessings Today

2009-01-12T12:10:00.000-08:00

As you all know I am pregnant and 40! Whew! Pregnancy is not for the faint of heart. All in all though, I have it pretty easy. I have been having a lot of pain this pregnancy, pelvic pain, to be specific. I am not sure if it is an actually disorder that is common in pregnancy or my old bones, but all I know is, I HURT. Especially this past week. It was bad. I had been helping out at a conference and standing for 3 hours straight at a time. Not good for the pelvic floor, let me tell you! Plus all the stretching that goes on and growing.

But, I have to say, I can wallow with the rest of them. And I was feeling it Thursday. I was just overwhelmed with pain and I didn't know how I was going to last three more months this uncomfortable. I am still in my second trimester, supposedly still feeling good...what is it going to be like next month.

Well, thankfully, the pain has gotten a lot better. I have had a couple of nights of good, restful sleep. And even though I am not pain-free, it is nothing like it was last week.

And even if it was, I need to be thankful that I have no complications during pregnancy. Baby is doing fine. I don't have to worry about health issues for me or the baby that might endanger either of us (some pregnant women I know do have to worry about those things). I have it pretty good and this too shall pass...and at the end, I will have a beautiful, healthy, baby boy, Lord willing. That is my prayer.

It really helped, also, to put things into perspective when one woman that I follow on a due date board online had her QUADRUPLETS on December 30th at 25 weeks. Yes, you read that right. She was just a couple of weeks ahead of me and had her babies. Whew! Everything was going great in her pregnancy. Obviously, she was high risk and followed very closely. She went into the doctor on the 30th and BAM! babies were coming. They thought they could stop the labor but the babies had other plans. It is amazing to see how they are doing and that they have all survived, none of them have brain bleeds, and most are not breathing on their own. Amazing.

Here is a link the their blog:
http://treverjennaeva.blogspot.com/

Next, another lady on the due date board online is having twins. It is a long, complicated story, but her membranes prematurely ruptured at 13 weeks. It is called pPROM (premature rupture of membranes). Usually this means the baby/babies will die because it is just too early to save them. Well, since it was twins, only one membrane ruptured. One twin is fine, the other is not. This lady is now 25 weeks or so. One of her twins will not live when he is born. The other should be fine. She also has a blog (warning: Offensive Language!!!!) that I follow:
http://notashamedinfertility.blogspot.com

There are several other stories that I could share that would break your heart or make you think, but these two are the primary ones I look at and say, "Thank you, Lord!". I have much to be thankful for. Even if I had to go through something like that, I should be thankful, but I am thankful that He has spared me that and has allowed me to have an uncomplicated pregnancy.

I have a lot to be thankful for!! I am going to try and remember this the next time I haven't slept or have intense pain. It could be a lot worse!!!

Now for the BIG news!!

2008-12-02T13:56:00.001-08:00

The Mayo's are having a.......................

BOY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep. It was confirmed today. And it is definitely a boy. And all looks good and healthy. I will not lie, a part of me was hoping for a girl. But, I am so glad that Carter will have a little brother to play with and grow up with. And there is no denying that little boys LOVE their mommas. We are thankful that all looks good and healthy.

Here are some pics!

Vegas, baby and turning 40

2008-11-27T19:36:00.001-08:00

Well, I have heard you only turn 40 once so I figured I would do it big. So, I went to Vegas with two girlfriends and had a great time. I wasn't really planning on being 17 weeks pregnant when I went, but with two miscarriages in the past year, it just kind of happened that way.

We had a great time. We saw Bette Midler, one of the Cirque Du Soliel shows and we walked, and walked and walked and walked. And could have walked more. Five days was just not enough time to see everything. But the hotels are amazing, they are all set up on a theme, and you could spend days in some of them beofre you see everything.

Paris Las Vegas was my FAVORITE. I really cannot wait for Greg and I to head to Europe some day. I know one day it will happen and I can't wait. Anyway, the Paris in Las Vegas have replicas of many of the famous sites in the real Paris.

New York, New York was probably my second favorite. The funny thing is, I knew these would be my favorites before I even went to Vegas.

We ate a lot of good food (and french pastry). Laughed a lot, and well, just had an overall great time.

The highlight of the trip though had to be the day of my actual birthday. We had decided to spend the morning relaxing (much needed since this was our fourth day in Vegas). My friend, Nellie comes out of the bedroom with a wrapped gift and card. I started to scold her cause I thought she and Tracy had gotten me a gift when I had told them specifically not to.

Nellie informed me that it was not from them. I was confused (it was in the morning). So when she handed me the card and gift I saw the writing on the card and knew it was from Greg. I started to cry because I did not expect this at all. I had told Greg, also, not to get me anything. Vegas was enough.

So, I am crying, blaming it on the hormones, and I open the gift and it is a beautiful necklace in the shape of a heart with a mother and child at the top. The bottom part of the heart has emeralds and diamonds in it. It was very simple, yet gorgeous. It was so sweet. We took pictures of the moment and sent them to Greg via cell phone but since I did have morning hair and no make-up, I will not be posting the pictures.

So, all in all it was a great birthday.

My friend's Nellie and Tracy also had a little surprise for me on the Friday before the trip. We were all set to go get mani's and pedi's for the trip and my friend Marsha, who lives in Georgia, surprised me by joining us, along with my friend Heather. We had a blast and I was soooooo surprised.

Then, after Vegas, I had scheduled a birthday party at La Paz Mexican restaurant. It was a small, laid back event, but it was nice to close out the week with a party and cake, of course.

So all in all, I have no complaints about turning 40. I am pregnant, I have a great family and a wonderful husband and little boy. I am extremely blessed.

Well. its a......................................

2008-11-13T12:56:00.000-08:00

BIG TEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I haven't had my big Ultrasound yet so we don't know what the little babe is yet! HA HA HA HA.

Sorry, I just had to do it.

A dear gal came up to me last night and told me I needed to update my blog. First, she came up and asked if we were having a girl. Someone apparently had told her the Mayo's were having a girl. We were quite confused and she couldn't remember who had told her that information.

I told her I hoped she was prophesying cause I would love to have a girl. But, I would love to have a boy, too. I kind of go both ways. I really just want a healthy baby.

I did have my monthly doctor's appointment today. Everything is going well. Heard a nice strong heartbeat and we have scheduled the big Ultrasound for Tuesday, December 2nd! You will definitely be getting an update that day with pictures!!! I leave Thursday, December 4th for Minnesota with my mom and sister to go to the Mall of America. I am sure there will be some big purchases going on that weekend for baby.

The doctor did move my due date up. I think she moved it up too much but I am okay with it. I am now due in April on April 22nd. I was originally due May 1st.

Other than that all things are well. I leave in three days to celebrate the big 4-0 in Las Vegas with some friends.

I would update you on that trip but then I would have to kill you cause what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. LOL!

Guess It's time to update....

2008-10-24T06:58:00.000-07:00

We have big news to share. Of course, I think everyone knows it already but in case you don't...

Baby at 10 weeks (sorry it's a little blurry)

Greg and I are EXPECTING!!!!!!!!!!!! Baby is due May 1, 2009 and I am officially out of the first trimester.

We are very excited. I was very guarded the first trimester so it still doesn't seem real to me. Even though I have had three Ultrasounds and have heard the heartbeat on the doppler. I am still cautious and a little anxious but I really don't know when that will subside. I was the same was with Carter. I am sure as I grow and feel the baby moving around it will feel more real, like it is really going to happen this time.

People keep asking me if I am excited, and other very common questions. I am excited to a certain extent but still feel very cautious. When people talk openly about the baby I get a little nervous like we are going to jinx it. Like all the "what ifs" keep coming to mind. I am definitely guarded. I guess it is to be expected. I just don't want the other shoe to drop.

But there are many happy days ahead. I am not sick anymore although I still get tired very easily. And I am sure in a few weeks I will "pop" and all of this will seem more real. Until then, I will just keep listening to that heartbeat and keep repeating to myself. "this is real". this is real"!

Here is Carter in his "I'm Going to be a BIG BROTHER" shirt.

It's been a rough week!

2008-10-02T12:22:00.001-07:00

Carter fell last week while Greg was holding him and fell onto some hardwood flooring at my inlaws. Carter decided to use Greg's chest as leverage with his feet to wiggle out of Greg's arms. It was a horrible thing to see. It happened so fast and there he was.

I really don't want to go over the whole ordeal again. We have had to tell so many people (most of them doctors) what happened.

We thought Carter just had a broken collar bone until Saturday morning when we felt this soft spot on his head. We rushed him to the pediatrician, all the while, Carter was clueless that anything was wrong. The Ped said we could wait until Monday to go to Outpatient Xray at Vandy Children's Hospital. He said he could possibly have a skull fracture.

I really didn't worry about it too much over the weekend. It has been 4 days since his accident and he was acting completely normal for a busy, active two year old. So, I was very, very surprised when the xray turned into a CT scan and then we were told that Carter had a epidural hemorrhage in his brain, albeit small (that really doesn't make much difference to a mom to hear, that there is blood in your child's brain, but it is "small").

We were then escorted the the ER to be seen by a Neurosurgeon. He would review the CT scan and then tell us the plan. It was horrible, horrible. I was calling everybody. The tears were flowing, the "what ifs" were gaining grown in my brain. Then, I just became kind of numb. I think I had about as much as I could stand.

The long story short though, is that Carter is fine. I don't want to rehash all the details, again. But the Neurosurgeon said that what the CT scan showed was that the bleed was consistent with the fall. It was not new blood. We have to go back in 4 weeks for another xray to make sure his cracked skull is healing. My baby has a cracked skull. sniff sniff

It is interesting going into an ER (we have been in 2 different ones the past week) with a child that has an injury, or a trauma caused by a fall. They have to do their job and part of their job is to look for inconsistencies in the parent's stories. You know why? Because some parents beat there kids.

So, as a parent in an ER, we are all on level playing ground. Those doctors don't know me or my husband or how this patient really got hurt...until all the evidence is in.

We got the third degree at Vandy. Just because we were coming in 5 days after an accident with what could have been a new bleed or a new injury. Seemed a little suspicious I guess until they got all their information. But, I knew we were "under suspicion" when they ordered a full body xray of Carter. Yep, every single part of his body had to be xrayed.

Now, I have been a social worker in an ER so when the attending left and then someone from xray came in and then when I asked what was being xrayed and they told me, a head to toe xray, I knew. They were gathering information to make sure our baby didn't have other injuries, or old injuries. Old injuries that have not been treated will invariably prove signs of abuse.

So, I had a little too much information in my noggin to know what they were doing. Greg even knew after the attending left because he said, "that guy was asking a lot of weird questions". And he was.

But, you know, what I told Greg was they are doing their job, and thank goodness they do. Cause there are parents out there that abuse their kids. And they look just like us. They are rich, poor, prominent or from the projects. Abuse knows no socio-economic status. It does put a person on edge, especially coming from the background in social work and working in an ER in the past. Until we were "cleared", it just added one more piece of stress to the puzzle. But, I knew, as I told others on the phone, we haven't done anything wrong and that will show itself. And it did.

So, they were doing their job. Gathering data. And thankfully, like we knew it would, the evidence showed that Carter's head injury was consistent with the fall.

In fast, that is the exact words the resident used when he discharged us. "The head injury is consistent with the fall."

I don't know why I felt the need to write about this aspect of this whole ordeal except to get it off my chest. I am sure everyone that goes into the ER is innocent until proven otherwise, when it comes to kid's injuries. And I never felt blamed or was accused of anything. But I knew what they were looking for and it still bugged me. Even though it is part of their job. And thank goodness they do it.

So now, Carter just wears his sling in public, mostly at school, to remind him and his playmates that he has a "boo boo". He is on ibuprofen 2-3 times a day and he is going around like there is nothing wrong. His soft spot is getting smaller every day and his bruises on his chest are almost gone. It's amazing how little ones recover.

Now, if I could just recover from the whole ordeal, life would be good. And it will. I just need a few quiet days. Nearly impossible with a busy 2 year old!!

Our exciting adventure to East Tennessee....

2008-09-23T09:07:00.001-07:00

That sounds like an oxymoron cause East Tennessee is not that exciting, especially when you have lived there most of your life, which I did before I moved to Nashville in 1998. The exciting part was getting out of Nashville. We almost turned around and came home, but we stuck through and ended up in Knoxville around 7:30 EST, we left home (the first time) at 1:15 CST! Yep.

First off, that morning I talked to my friend Lisa, who we would be staying with that night before we headed off to our cabin. Well, she said on the news that Nashville was supposedly running out of gas. I told her that a couple of stations had been out most of the week but other stations had plenty and we shouldn't have a problem. Little did I know that there actually was a shortage. We had no idea until we kept attempting to buy gas...and there was none, or there were really, really long lines.

But let me back up. The first time we left home was around 1:15. We got on Briley Pkwy and I realized that I left all the paperwork at home that we would need to check in. We had won this trip and it had some requirements so I thought, just to be safe, we better go back and get it in case it was required.

So we did. This was the second time we passed a gas station by our house that had a small line for buying gas. We passed it again going out after we had picked up our paperwork. We over-confidently felt that it was ridiculous that all these people were in line to buy gas. Surely, further out in the city it would not be this way. So, we opted not to stop and buy gas there to fill out tank up for the trip. BIG MISTAKE. But hindsight is 20/20.

So, we decided to try Lebanon Rd....same problem. Then Donelson Pike....same problem and still those pesky lines. Again, being confident that there was gas somewhere without a line we
tredged on.

We got to Mt. Juliet and our "low gas" light was still on. We decided that the Lebanon exit, past Mt. Juliet for those of you that don't live here, would be he best place to buy gas. We passed the Mt. Juliet exit only to be stopped by traffic. I mean a dead stop. It was not moving and some people were backing back up on the exit ramp to get back on Mt. Juliet Rd. We decided we should do that too and go Hwy 70 over to 109 and bypass whatever was going on. It was a good decision too, and I will tell you why a little later.

So, we passed a Kroger (with a long line) but at this point we had no choice but to stop cause we had no gas in our car. Remember, we are traveling with a 2 year old, stuck in a car seat. We had already been in the car about an hour and a half. But he really did great overall. After an hour of sitting in line, I got out of the car to use the restroom and to go buy some snacks. When I came back, there were still two cars ahead of ours so I took Carter out of the car to walk around a bit. About 20 minutes later Greg pulls up at the Kroger store filled up with gas.

Whew, what a relief. We just thought this was crazy.

So, we get on Hwy 70. It is now 3:45. Yep. Over 2 hours into our trip and we have barely left the Davidson County line. I called my friend Lisa and told her what was going on. She was shocked (so were we). We told her we would call her once we got back on the interstate and at that point, we didn't know when that would be exactly.

So then we moved on to the next obstacle, which was figuring out what was going on on the interstate. Greg called the traffic info line a couple of times and finally got information that there had been a wreck on mile marker something or other. We had no clue where that was but we got on Hwy 109 and was praying we had passed the wreck.

And we did. Just barely, and it was a good thing because traffic was completely stopped on I-40 E out of Nashville. They had closed the interstate. We would have been stuck in traffic for hours and if we had waited to buy gas in Lebanon, we would have run out of gas on the interstate. Luckily, we have AAA, but heck, how would they have gotten to us????

The rest of our trip was uneventful (thank goodness!) and it ended up taking us 5 hours to get to Knoxville, which should have just taken just less than three. Whew!!!

I will post pictures later. Oh, and we filled up on gas in Lebanon on the way home cause we knew the "gas shortage" was still going on.

Crazy that Nashville is the ONLY city that this is happening too????????? So now we are hoping people stop topping off their tanks every time they see a gas station open with gas. If everyone would just chill out this mini "crisis" will be over.

2008-09-15T07:45:00.000-07:00

Toddler Property Laws

If I like it, it's mine!

If it's in my hand, it's mine!

If I had it a little while ago, it's mine!

If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way!

If I am doing or building something, all the pieces are mine!

If it looks just like mine, it's mine!

If I think it is mine, it's mine!

So, this is what is going on at our house ALL THE TIME!!! I think we hear the word, "MINE!" 50 times A DAY. That is no exaggeration. If Carter picks it up, it is his. Even if it's my cell phone or wallet, etc. It really doesn't matter what it is, if Carter has it, it's his.

If we need to take a toy away from Carter, he refuses because "it's mine!".

So, we are in major discipline mode. I have to say it is quite embarrasing when he flails on the floor in public when he refuses to do something. But, I figure there is not a mom and dad who has not had to go through this. We will just be glad when this stage is OVER and we can have our sweet baby boy back. We see glimpses of him. Yesterday after his nap he was a dreamboat.

But to tell you how much we put Carter in a "break" (or time out) whatever you want to call it, Carter came up to Greg last night and pointed to his goofy figurine which he had stood up on an exercise ball that I have. Carter informed Greg that Goofy was in time-out....because he had made a mess, he explained.

Yeah, we had a pretty good laugh about that one!

Carter's big boy bed...

2008-08-27T18:32:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures of Carter with his new bed. It is actually his crib that is converted into a toddler bed. The first three are of the bed and him getting used to it. The fourth picture is of him actually asleep in his bed for the first time.

Sniff. Sniff! He's not so little anymore!!

The Bible No Go Me!

2008-08-27T18:13:00.000-07:00

Right now I am listen to Carter in his room singing to himself. It is simply adorable and I have to get it on video.

He is singing Jesus Loves Me. When he gets to the part that says, "the Bible tells me so". He says, "the Bible no go me".

Carter is a late talker and he is doing great now in the talking department but sometimes he substitutes words or phrases for ones that he knows and can pronounce rather than the ones that he can't. Like "tells me so". He obviously has a block there and now he says, "no go me" EVERY TIME. He also does it in a part of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star...'no go me' comes up again.

It is even more adorable when he is trying to carry on a conversation with you (which I am working hard at every day teaching him how to talk and share things with me). He will start his sentence out with the right words, the middle gets lost somewhere, then he gets back on track at the end and he always ends the sentence with a "mommy" or "daddy" at the end.

The even funnier thing is that most of the time we know exactly what he is trying to tell us. I generally interpret to the rest of the world when they ask him a question.

Another funny thing is that Carter will not say his name. People come up to him all the time and ask him what his name is and he acts like he has no clue. Whenever he sees a little boy, including himself in a picture he calls him "Jacob", cause Jacob is his best bud. When I ask Carter what his name is he says, " Jacob". It has gotten to the point where he thinks it is funny. He knows he isn't Jacob but he see's how it gets to me so he just laughs and says, Jacob!

Here is how the conversation went the other night.

Me: Carter, what is your name?
Carter: Jacob (it actually sounds like Teecob)
Me: No, Carter, what is your name?
Carter: Jacob
(we both start laughing, I admit, I am encouraging him)
Me: No, Carter, who are you? What is your name? Your name? (as I point to his chest)
Carter: Jacob
Me: (sigh) Ok, Carter, can you say 'Car'
Carter: Cawrs
Me: Good!!!! No can you say Ter
Carter: Tewr
Me: Great!!! Now say, Car Ter
Carter: (pause) Jacob! (with eruption of laughter!!)

I admit I start laughing too. This kid is too smart for his own good!

Beautiful poem I found...

2008-08-14T20:13:00.000-07:00

I found this poem online. Supposedly, it was written by a husband whose wife was suffering from infertility. I think this can apply to many aspects of the Christians life so I wanted to share it.

WAIT Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, He replied.

I pleaded, and I wept for a clue to my fate,

And the Master so gently said, "Child you must wait."

"Wait? You say wait"? my indignant reply,

"Lord, I need some answers, I need to know why.

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your word.

My future, and all to which I can relate,

Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?

I'm needing a 'yes', a go ahead sign,

Or even a 'no', to which I can resign.

And Lord, you have promised that if we believe,

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And Lord, I have been asking, and this is my cry,

I'm weary of asking, I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied again, "You must wait."

So I slumped in my chair; defeated and taut

And grumbled to God; "So I'm waiting, for what?"

He seemed then to kneel and His eyes met with mine

And he tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens, darken the sun,

Raise the dead, cause the mountains to run.

"All you see I could give, and pleased you would be.

You would have what you want, but you wouldn't know me.

You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint:

You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;

You'd not learn to trust, just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy of resting in me,

When darkness and silence was all you could see.

"You would never experience that fullness of love,

As the peace of my spirit descends like a dove.

You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of my heart.

"The glow of my comfort late in the night;

The faith that I give when you walk without sight;

The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask

From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"And you never would know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'

Yes, your dreams for that loved one overnight could come true,

But the loss! if you lost what I'm doing in you.

"So be silent, my child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.

And though often may answers seem terribly late

My most precious answer of all.....is still......wait."

My big boy is growing up.

2008-08-08T10:34:00.000-07:00

Yes, and I am tearing up about it.

Greg and I are starting to transition Carter to a big boy bed. He can climb out of his crib now, so that kind of constitutes change. We also have lots of potty training books and DVD's. Carter talks about the potty incessantly. He takes his diaper off when he has too much pee in it...and sometimes he takes it off when he poo's. Yeah, those are great moments of discovering your naked child talking about the potty and poop laying all over the floor...good times. But, that just means he is getting ready to be potty trained. Another milestone. Another change.

Speaking of change, I don't like it.

We are moving Carter to a new mothers-day-out program. We do this very hesitantly but it was necessary as I have a meeting I go to every Wednesday afternoon and I have been paying a sitter to watch Carter so I can go. So, we needed a Mothers-day-out program that meets on Wednesday.

I didn't realize how hard this would be. His old program is at our church and we know all the people there. It is great and very familiar to us. This new place, which is also a church, is new. I don't know anyone there and it is a little scary. It is change.

Another part of change is leaving friends. Carter has a little friend Jacob. He asks for him. He loves playing with him and they always have a good time. It is exhausting watching them play together. What a bundle of energy. It gives you a clue what twin boys would be like. Whew!!!!

So anyway, it breaks my heart that Carter is leaving his first little buddy, who also goes to our old MDO program. I have never felt my heart break over something like that.

Then it got me thinking. All the hurdles that Carter is going to face. The disappointments. The trails. I am going to have to let him go through them. There are some parents who scoop their children up to save them from pain, but you are not really doing a service to them when you do that. How painful is it going to be when Carter feels his first rejection? His first betrayal? What if he struggles in school, or in a particular subject?

Who cares about his first broken bone or which college he gets into? What about unrequited love? Or the cruel remarks of stupid junior high kids, which we all know are the cruelest kids in the world.

I will be there for him through all of that but he is the one who is going to have to learn to persevere, otherwise, he will learn nothing.

But the pain a mom and dad feels when their child is going through some of the things mentioned above must be SO hard and difficult. I am not looking forward to those moments. I am having a hard enough time with him "losing" his little buddy at two and a half!!! Yikes!

But they will be teaching moments. And learning moments. And he will grow. He will learn and turn into this wonderful grown up person because of it. And, I will have had a small (OK, big) part in that. But the Lord will receive ALL the glory because if I am any kind of accomplished parent it is due to the love and the grace of God, who found favor on me and believed in my abilities enough to bless me with this gift. The gift of motherhood. He knows that we can do it, through HIM.

So, for that, it is worth it. It is worth opening your heart up more than you ever imagined, even more than the love of a spouse (it's just different, you know).

The expression is true, a mother really knows what it is like to wear her heart forever on her sleeve. So true.

My poor husband...

2008-07-21T11:28:00.000-07:00

Saturday is usually the day that I try to "make" breakfast, which usually includes bacon. It is highly unusual for Greg to get real, pork bacon. Since his father has heart disease and high cholesterol and Greg's cholesterol is slightly elevated, about the only time he gets real bacon is if we are at Cracker Barrel. My husband LOVES bacon. Especially when it is cooked the right way, very crisp, but not burned.

Anyway, this past Saturday we were all up and about and Greg goes to the fridge and pulls out something and has this look on his face. It is the look of a happy child who has just found extra candy under the couch. Or an adult who finds $5.00 in their pocket when they didn't know it was there.

Most of you know my husband. He hides his excitement well, at least to you. Since I live with him I see the real Greg. He does get excited. He can be goofy. He's funny and just an all around great guy to be around. In my humble opinion.

Well, the look on his face was priceless. He was almost giddy. He was excited beyond any excitement I had seen in a while. He was almost doing a little dance in front of the refrigerator.

Imagine my surprise when I see that all that excitement is for bacon. Greg pulled out real bacon. I didn't realize it until I looked at his face and then to the package. I thought it was the new turkey bacon pack I had just bought. Not so....

Unfortunately, Greg's glee was short lived. The real bacon was old. Greg's smile deflated quickly. We looked at the date, it said something about September. Greg got excited again. He was tossing it around in his head, I could tell...."is it worth the risk of food poisoning to get "real" bacon?????" It was discolored, kind of a mucky brown and not nice and pink like bacon should be.

I said, "I will make it for you if you want me to, but there is a fresh pack of turkey bacon in the fridge."

Greg thinks a minute. It is cured meat....maybe it's not bad.....

Sigh. No he concedes that the real bacon is too old. He will have turkey bacon. He is sad.

He opens the freezer door and is looking all through it.

I say, "What are you looking for?"

Greg: "waffles" (You can tell I am a homemade breakfast maker, huh?)

I pause, "Um, we don't have any waffles, sorry".

Greg: (sigh) "That's okay".

He just didn't get a break Saturday! I guess I have one to make up to him, huh? Maybe some homemade blueberry pancakes with REAL bacon this Saturday....it can't hurt his cholesterol that much, right?

Oswald Chambers never ceases to amaze me

2008-07-16T14:20:00.000-07:00

I think I have mentioned on her before that I read Oswald Chambers every morning. Most of the time it gets me started on my bible study. Sometimes, with a busy two year old, that is as far as I get, breathing a prayer as I go.

Well, today, July 16th, was another perfect example of how I can read My Utmost for His Highest every day and still get something deep out of it. And not only deep, but relevant. Relevant to me, what people around me are going through. A word I can share with a friend.

So, here it is. This is ALLLLL Oswald...

THE CONCEPT OF DIVINE CONTROL

"...how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" (Matthew 7:11)

Jesus is laying down the rules of conduct in this passage for those people who have His Spirit. He urges us to keep our minds filled with the concept of God's control over everything, which means that a disciple must maintain an attitude of perfect trust and an eagerness to ask and to seek.

Fill your mind with the though that God is there. And once your mind is truly filled with that thought, when you experience difficulties it will be as easy as breathing for you to remember, "My heavenly Father knows all about this!" This will be no effort at all, but will be a natural thing for you when difficulties and uncertainties arise. Before you formed this concept of divine control so powerfully in your mind, you used to go from person to person seeking help, but now you go to God about it. Jesus is laying down the rules of conduct for those people who have His Spirit, and it works on the following principle: God is my Father, He loves me, and I will never thing of anything that He will forget, so why should I worry?

Jesus said there are times when God cannot lift the darkness from you, but you should trust Him. At times God will appear like an unkind friend, but He is not; He will appear like an unnatural father, but He is not; He will appear like an unjust judge, but He is not. Keep the thought that the mind of God is behind all things strong and growing. Not even the smallest detail of life happens unless God's will is behind it. Therefore, you can rest in perfect confidence in Him. Prayer is not only asking , but it is an attitude of the mind which produces the atmosphere in which asking is perfectly natural. "Ask, and it will be given to you..." (7:7)

She's gone...

2008-07-10T15:15:00.000-07:00

Below are a few pictures of my friend Roxanne, whom I am remembering today. Today is the one year anniversary of her death.

A picture of Rox and I with our friend, Jessica, at my wedding in 2003

A picture of Roxanne with my son, Carter in July of 2006

A picture of Rox and I with our friend, Lisa, who lives in East Tennessee

Ah, a picture of Rox with our friend, Mark, in 2006

Finally, a picture of the ole Bible study gang in East Tennessee in July of 06. We had a "reunion" of sorts, and boy, are we glad that we did. Here we are playing charades. We always had bible study and then played charades...good times!!!

I'll never forget those words. She's gone.

It was one year ago today that I sat in my in-laws neighborhood and heard those words. I had been chatting with my sister on the way to get Carter from Greg's parents after volunteering at Vacation Bible school for the second day. My husband Greg kept beeping in while I was on the phone, very unusual for him to do that, but I just kept chatting away. I didn't really give it a second thought. Also, my friend Lisa, in Knoxville, had called too and was beeping in, how strange, I thought. Finally, I told my sister I needed to go because Greg kept beeping in. If only I could have savored that moment a little while longer. It was innocent. There was no shock or grief to come. No tears. I was having a happy little conversation with my sister and all the sudden my world shattered.

I finally called Greg and he told me about the message that Krista, Roxanne's cousin, had left on our machine at home. That Roxanne had passed away. WHAT??????????? I didn't believe it, didn't want to believe it. I just sat on the side of the road in shock. Luckily I had not retrieved Carter yet and he stayed at the inlaws a bit longer.

When I called the number I can't remember who I talked to first, Krista, I think. She gave me details. It was very sudden and unexpected. Then Alice, Rox's mom, got on the phone.

Me: "Alice???????" I wish you could have heard the sound of my voice. In an incredulous tone, I was asking if it was real all by just saying, "Alice?????"

Alice: "She's gone, Susan. She's gone"

I learned that Roxanne had been found in her apartment, sitting up, in bed. I won't go into the details but she had sleep apnea and had not been wearing her machine that helped her keep breathing at night. They feel she just stopped breathing. But, they were doing an autopsy to make sure that it was nothing else. After the autopsy and study of all her meds she had in her room, it was found that she just stopped breathing and died.

Roxanne had been through a lot the past few years. But her life was on an upswing. She had lost some weight. She had finally accepted her disabilities, or was getting there anyway. She had chronic, sometime severe, pain from IBS and Fibromyalgia. She had overcome an addiction to painkillers but, still had to take them sometimes to ease the pain. We were all very proud of her. She had found a new church home and was really excited about her church.

I was able to talk to her about two weeks before he death and she spoke clearly and upbeat. She was so excited about her parent's upcoming wedding anniversary party that she was planning. She sounded like the "old" Rox. The one that sometimes rarely made an appearance. It had been a long time since I had heard from the "old" Rox. I am glad we got to have that conversation before she died and not like some of the others that we have had. Where she was depressed, drugged, and not the Roxanne I knew and loved. No, this Roxanne was THE Roxanne I knew and loved and it was so good to hear her voice.

And everyone close to her had pretty much the same thing to say. Things were on an upswing. What a shock this was. She had never been happier. I found out at the receiving of friends that there were rumors that Roxanne had killed herself and that is why she had a closed casket. This was very far from the truth, however, I think there was a time in her life when we would not have been shocked if she had taken her life. She battled depression, like I said before, and there were some very, very low points the past few years. In fact, when I heard that she had died, the first thing that came to my mind was, "did she kill herself??" Again, the autopsy found nothing that would point to suicide.

Well, I was able to see Roxanne in a private viewing before we laid her to rest. Her parents were not happy about her appearance, THAT is why they did not want an open casket. They wanted everyone to remember the Roxie that they loved. Not the one in the casket. Roxanne simply stopped breathing. She wasn't wearing her machine for her sleep apnea. Period. She did not look like herself in that casket. But, I am so glad that I was able to say goodbye in person.

All day today and the past few days I have been thinking about July 10, 2007. I have been thinking about her funeral and her life. I have had several dreams about Roxanne the past few weeks. It isn't unusual. And today, I am remembering happy times. Roxanne's laugh. Our trips together. The time we were roommates (not a good thing). We go way back. Wow.

I don't guess I will ever get used to the idea that she is gone. I just have to come face to face with it every now and then. Then I go on, like it hasn't really happened, until, abruptly and uninvited, it crosses my mind, reminding me that it is in fact true.

She is gone. And I won't see her again on this side of heaven. But, I do "see" her everyday. In some shape or form. She is here. She is gone, but never forgotten.

Love you, Rox and I miss you a lot!!!!

Okay, some pictures at least...right

2008-06-28T10:42:00.001-07:00

Me and Roxie's parents

Roxie's grave

I brought a UT emblem to put on her grave. I am going to order her a flag like the rest that are placed there.

Me and Carter

Carter and Daddy

More to come later of our whole trip.

We are finally home...

2008-06-28T10:38:00.000-07:00

Well, we have been home since Wednesday but I am still too pooped to write about all of our experiences.

All I know is that it is very exhausted traveling to another country by car and plane with a two year old and we won't be doing that again anytime soon! WHEW! I think Greg and I need a weekend away to recover from our 8 day vacation!

Everything went well. In the next few days I will share my experiences with Rox's parents and visiting her grave. I will also have to share about my embarrasing moment with the airport security guard on the way home. It is embarrasing because I made an idiot of myself. But I claim exhaustion and grief catching up with me to blame. I flew off the handle. Period. I am thankful for grace because it is truly humbling.

Anyway, more later. We are home, enjoying the weekend and still trying to recoup!

Quick Update

2008-06-18T06:53:00.000-07:00

We made it to Canada. Talk about a LONG day!

We flew to New Hampshire then drove through Maine (beautiful drive) to Fredericton, New Brunswick to stay with some of Rox's family.

Carter did GREAT the whole trip. He did great on the plane, he did great on the car. However, he got sick the night before with a runny nose and cough. He barely ate or drank anything yesterday. So, we were really hoping it would be a small cold that would pass in a few days.

Well, we got to Mark and Krista's and pulled into the driveway and BAM! Carter threw up. He has NEVER, EVER thrown up from sickness before. Ever. Needless to say, we were alarmed. He was very upset (and not to mention stinky...ewww!)and got mommy all stinky too, but that is okay, I'd say I was long overdue for throw-up given that Carter is almost 2 1/2.

Anyway, after the drama of throw-up we settled in. I had given Carter some medicine in the car. He ate some crackers and took some apple juice to bed.

We were exhausted! Carter slept for a while then started coughing. And coughed, and coughed and coughed. I gave him more medicine. Didn't help. I picked him up and rocked him with juice, and finally, that did it. We had about 3 good hours of sleep and the coughing started again.

In my mind, and I know this is awful, but in my mind I thought "this must be what hell would be like". We were absolutely exhausted, eyes heavy and bodies sore from long travel. It kept going around and around in my head how we were going to function the next day. We are supposed to spend the day with Roxanne's parents.

I started praying like I have never prayed before. Give me wisdom, Lord. Heal his cough, Lord. Please.

I got up and gave him a different kind of medicine and finally, it stopped, for another four hours. He finally woke up at His normal time of 8:00 AM, which is 10:00 AM here. Bright eyed and bushy tailed, as they say. Sheesh, to have that energy.

So, we feel somewhat human. Will probably feel better after a shower.

Just wanted to let everyone know of our adventure. We are going to Wal-Mart today and get supplies for more peaceful sleep tonight...and we may put Carter out on the back porch just in case.....JUST KIDDING!!!!!!!!

Today is the day.

2008-06-17T03:03:00.000-07:00

The Lord has been gracious and good to me this past week. Working through grief and seeing beyond my grief. Everyone is going through something. I have a friend whose mom is most likely dying of cancer. Our church has been in turmoil for over a year. It is tiring and exhausting. I think and pray for the staff who is affected everyday. Former staff people are also affected. The pain is far reaching. I have friends that suffer from infertility. People strugging to make ends meet. These are not uncommon to man. There is always going to be something.

Everyone is going through something. My prayer is that I, personally, and everyone else, look beyond what they are going through and learn to abide in Christ. That is what He is teaching me this week. Because I can be assured that once this is over, there is going to be something else. But He is faithful. He is sovereign. He covers all. He is mighty and mighty to save.

Oswald Chambers speaks to me. If you have ever picked up "My Utmost for His Highest" and read some of the devotionals that were compiled from this man's messages years ago you probably had one of two reactions.

One, this guy is over my head. Two, wow, this guy is over my head but I want to dig deeper.

I favor the latter. I ALWAYS get something out of O.C.

Christmas 2005 I gave Greg "My Utmost" in his stocking. I knew I wanted to read it too. Pretty soon I was snagging O.C. after Greg got through with it in the morning. Then somehow, the book ended up on my bible. Now, I just need to go get Greg another copy. I read it almost every day. It challenges me. It makes me think. It convicts me. It makes me dig. Sometimes with a two year old that is all I have time for, however, more often than not, O.C. simply gets me going, gets me focused and thinking on the things of God before I move on to a deeper study.

And yes, even after reading it every day for over two years, I still get more out of it.

So, the other day, in the middle of all this grief in my heart, I read a devotional that really spoke to me. Basically, it reminded me that I am not the only person going through pain. There are a lot of others going through pain too. And that God is big enough to cover all of us.

All we have to do is abide in Him. All I have to do is come to Him.

God woke me up an hour earlier than I needed to because I have wanted to share this with everyone for over a week. I needed to hear it again today before we leave on the trip.

Listen to this excerpt. It really says it all.

Where sin and sorrow stops, and the song of the saint starts. Do I really want to get there? I can right now. The questions that truly matter in life are remarkably few, and they are all answered by these words--"Come to Me." Our Lord's words are not, "Do this or don't do that," but--Come to Me."

...The attitude necessary for you to come to Him is one where your will has made the determination to let go of everything and deliberately commit it all to Him

"...and I will give you rest"--that is, "I will sustain you, causing you to stand firm." He is not saying, "I will put you to bed, hold your hand, and sing you to sleep." But, in essence, He is saying, "I will get you out of bed--out of your listlessness and exhaustion, and your condition of being half dead while you are still alive. I will penetrate you with the spirit of life, and you will be sustained by perfection of vital activity." Yet we become so weak and pitiful and talk about "suffering" the will of the Lord. Where is the majestic vitality and the power of the Son of God in that?
Excerpted from My Utmost for His Highest, June 11th. Scripture: Matthew 11:28

That is really all I need. And you too. I hope you take advantage of it today. I know I sure am!

Oh, Canada!!

2008-06-10T13:17:00.001-07:00

It has become increasingly clear that this trip to Canada is having more of an effect on me than I had imagined.

Next Tuesday, Greg, Carter and I will head to Canada for much needed R & R. We will visit with Roxanne's family, staying with them for three nights, then head to Prince Edward Island, of Anne of Green Gables fame. It is actually the 100th anniversary of Lucy Maude Montgomery writing those books so there will be a lot of celebrating going on. I still remember watching Anne of Green Gables for the first time when I was a teenager. I am very excited. And, basically, I haven't told Greg anything about Anne of Green Gables. He will just have to sit through it once we get there. I will try and skip the more "girly" parts of the trip. I won't make him have high tea with me at one of the mansions made famous in the books. All the men reading this breathe a huge sigh of relief for Greg.

But the closer we get to leaving for this trip the more emotional I become. The more I think of Roxanne and how sad I was to lose her. And I cry. Part of me wishes that I could just suck it up and move on. I am not the type to wallow in my self-pity. I don't want to have a pity party, I want to move on. But grief does not move along in a timeline. It likes to stop, reflect, heal, then move forward again, like a compass, leading and directing you where it wishes you would go. And you have no other means but to follow. It is commandeering the ride. The tears will come, you have the choice of whether allowing them to come at their discretion, or stuffing them deep inside only to allow anger and bitterness, fear and despair to increase and swallow you whole.

I guess more and more I allow myself to cry. I don't like it, especially when I am in public. But there is no shame in tears. It means there is healing going on. You are remembering something and it has touched a part of your soul enough to burst outside of your body in the form of a tear, and it slides the slippery path down your face. It is welcome. Or it should be. But most of the time it is just inconvenient and embarrassing.

I remember a time when tears did not come to me that often. I would stuff everything deep down inside where it was safe and sound. Or so I thought. But at the most inopportune times, I would have a meltdown, much like my two year old. And man, those are embarrassing. And most times they happen in front of people. People you know and really don't want to think that you are a psycho. Or, they would happen in front of the bank teller, who you would attempt to avoid at every subsequent trip to the bank. Talk about uncomfortable!

No, I have learned that tears are welcome. So when they come I try to keep an open mind and just sit with the grief. It is happening more and more these days. I am wishing more and more my emotional reserves could be full and overflowing, but things keep happening that syphon out all my reserve.

I am hoping that while this trip will be emotionally draining, there will also be lots of joy and laughter, maybe even a little closure. Some weeping I am sure will be expected. But a lot of fun times too. New family memories to bring home of Canada instead of the last time that I was there.

Yeah, I am sure it will good once we get there. I can't wait for Greg to meet Roxanne's cousin and her family. She is just great. And having him there while we go to Rox's grave will be wonderful, to have someone to lean on and be supportive. And I can't wait to introduce Carter to Granny and Grampy Thorne. I hope he brings much, much joy to them the few days we are there, as much joy and blessing he brings to us.

Yes, I know it will be a good trip. I am feeling better already!

Roxie's Grave

2008-06-04T20:39:00.000-07:00

Greg, Carter and I are headed to Canada two weeks from today. If fact, two weeks from right now we will be in Canada. I am really excited to go to Canada for a fun trip, rather than the last trip I took there, which was for my friend, Roxanne's, funeral, in July 2007.

We are going to see Roxanne's parents, affectionately known as Granny and Grampy Thorne. They are very excited to meet Carter. We are also staying with Roxanne's first cousin, Krista, who was very much like a sister to Roxanne. I got to know Krista very well in a very short time period last year when I stayed with her and her family during Roxanne's funeral. They are awesome people and I am really looking forward to the trip. I am looking forward to Greg meeting them also.

I just got an email from Roxanne's mom and she asked me to bring a small Tennessee flag to Canada with me so that she can put it on Roxie's grave along with the Canadian flag. You see, Tennessee was also "home" to Rox for many years.

When I read over the email and came to the part that said 'Roxie's grave' I got that thought again, that thought that Roxanne is not really gone. How can she be gone? It just seems like yesterday that I was talking to her and heard her infectious laugh. Just today I went to the group on facebook that was created immediately after her death and was looking at her picture, thinking, wow, I really miss her. And I see her every time I open the refrigerator because, there again, is a picture of her with me on my wedding day.

It makes me sad that Roxanne is never going to have a wedding day. I won't get to be the Matron of Honor at her wedding. She will never get to have a baby. We won't ever be able to discuss the trials of motherhood together. How to juggle marriage and family. The sleepless nights, the worry and doubts.

But I believe Roxanne has a very special job now. And besides that special job, she is walking arm in arm with Jesus. She is his bride. And I believe she is a mother.

I believe Roxanne is being a mommy to my three angels in heaven. Angels that were with me just a short time, but they are mine and still with me. I can't be with them, but they can be with her. And she is finally becoming the mother she always wanted to be. And she is taking care of my babies in heaven.

I don't know how theologically sound this is. I do know that even if we don't have these bodies in heaven, we will know our loved ones. I will know my babies. I don't know what shape or form the will be in but they are there. They had a soul. They all had a heartbeat. And I know that I will know Roxanne. And I like to think that she has the very special job of taking care of my little ones in heaven.

And even though I miss her here on earth there is no one I would rather have looking over my babes than her. I know they are in the best of hands.

So, now I need to find a small Tennessee flag.....hmmmm. I have a very important job to do and I don't want to disappoint Mum Thorne. This is a very special job indeed. It is the least that I can do given the job Jesus has given Roxanne.

Parenting Is Heart Work Seminar

2008-05-20T13:43:00.000-07:00

Thursday May 1 and May 8th I held a two part parenting seminar at my home church, Two Rivers Baptist. I was very excited (and nervous) to have the privilege to hold my first seminar there.

All in all, things went well, not perfectly by any means, but well.

God has been teaching me so much through this process and I am SO excited to be headed in a direction with Him and not know where I am going. I don't understand why He wants to use me but I am glad that He loves me and wants me to share in what He is doing here on earth. What an awesome privilege.

And peace....talk about peace. Wow, there is nothing like walking smack dab in the middle of God's plan for you.

Life is good.

Is it perfect?

Is it pain free or trial free?

Absolutely not. But, man, it is good....because God is good.

More on the parenting seminar to come along with information on how to have me at your church, mom's group or small group setting!!

Our wonderful five year anniversary

2008-05-12T12:03:00.000-07:00

We spent our five year anniversary at White Stone Inn in Paint Rock, Tennessee. It was a wonderful place to relax but the time was too short. I can't wait to go back there again soon.

This is the entrance into the Inn

The gazebo

This is the "barn" where we stayed

Us at our anniversary dinner at the INN

Greg's wonderful anniversary gift to me.

I don't really understand...

2008-05-07T14:31:00.000-07:00

Why some people are allowed to have kids when they have no business having kids. And it seems that they have no issues getting pregnant, staying pregnant, yet don't appreciate the wonderful gift they have been given.

I won't ever understand but I know there is a reason and a lesson to be learned. I guess I will just keep searching on that one...