Vacation or Trip

We just got back from a lovely fall break vacation in Gulf Shores. my boys love the ocean, the beach and especially SAND! So we knew they would have a good time. And boy, they did. But it was exhausting.

I came back to work this week and during staff meeting one of the other counselors asked me if I had a "vacation" or a "trip"? And I was like, "what"?? He explained the difference to me as a vacation is where you don't take your children. And I said, "oh, we took a trip, definitely. LOL.

I guess family "trips" are really for the benefit of the kids. I mean, we made great memories last week. Memories I hope my kids will remember forever. We saw the Blue Angels practice, my 6 year old was blown away. Griffin is 3, so I don't know if he will remember much about the trip, but I know every time he visits the beach he falls more and more in love with it and that is something he will carry with him forever.

We definitely had our highs and lows. Thankfully, the lowest low was on Tuesday. We had been at the beach and was coming in. Carter was especially hyper, not listening to anything we were saying. There was a family behind us and they had the calmest three year old. Here my kids were acting like wild men and he just stood there holding on to the wagon he was helping dad bring up from the beach. Ugh. Why can't my kids act like that???? I can't even remember what happened on the way to the elevator but I remember being embarrassed. When the boys got in the elevator and started fighting over who was going to push the button, Greg and I both lost it. Poor Carter. He gets the brunt of our frustration. Griffin does everything his big brother does so we get hyperactivity times 2!!! At the worst time!!! Ugh! We raised our voices and grabbed Carter's arm to get his attention. I am not sure what else happened, all I know is I felt like a big, fat failure.

I really felt defeated the rest of the night. I got up the next day and was reflecting on the previous days events and saw where the breakdown occurred. We (or I) should have stopped our family while we were leaving the boardwalk after rinsing our feet off and before we got to the elevator. We were tired, Greg an I had our hands full so it was difficult keeping a hand on the boys. We all needed a time out. But we kept pressing on. Add to the pressure I allowed to feel by this family behind me (who had seemingly perfect acting kids) and THAT prompted more of my frustration than my kids behavior.

Let me explain that. I had a big PRIDE issue. I was wanting my kids to show everyone we were good parents by acting the right way. If my kids act appropriate in front of other people I am a success. If not, that means I am a bad parent. What if they judge me, or talk about me? Why can't I train my children? All the negative thinking comes in and whispers lies into my ears. It raises my blood pressure so I react by saying things loudly or speaking through clenched teeth. It's not pretty. And afterwards all I feel is shame.

Once I looked at the situation I realized where communication broke down. Why we were frustrated and what we should have done differently. Loosing my patience or raising my voice doesn't really help train my kids.

So, I started training them. What do you do when an elevator opens?? We wait and make sure no one is getting off. We talked about being polite, waiting and taking turns, etc. We learned to take turns pushing the button to the elevator. The rest of the week we practiced these things. I remembered that I have to go touch Carter on the shoulder to get his attention when I am giving him a task or wanting him to respond. We have to repeat, repeat and repeat again.

So I don't have the calmest kids. Maybe I am judged more than other parents (or am I?). I love it when my kids cooperate and follow through on tasks and directions. But the truth is, that doesn't make me any better of a parent than their acting out in public makes me a bad parent. It's just that sometimes kids cooperate. Sometimes they don't. My job is to take each situation and use it to train or apply consequences so that maybe the next time they will remember. It's not a reflection on me. It's just part of the job. And some days, well, the job goes smoothly and sometimes it doesn't.

At least that is what I keep trying to tell myself.

Getting back to our vacation or "trip", the rest of the week went way smoother and Wednesday was the best day of vacation EVER!!! When you have small kids  they aren't going to know how to act and certainly aren't going to act perfectly. What I hoped I learned from this is that each opportunity is a teaching opportunity and how I handle makes a difference in helping my kids learn how to behave.

Now to plan a VACATION, not a trip, for Greg and I! HA!!! Anyone want two kids for a long weekend???!!!! LOL!!!

Kids are unpredictable. I have found that they become even more unpredictable when we, as parents, ask them to do things that are beyond their development or when our pride gets in the way and we expect them to behave differently just because someone else is present.

I was confronted with my pride the other day when my kid was not "acting" like he was "supposed" to in front of others. We had a rather large party over at our house which included adults and kids of all ages. I happened to see Carter interacting with a little boy and it appeared he wasn't being very nice. So I redirected him. Then Carter just plain starting acting out. And not only was he acting out, but he was acting out in front of people...new friends....in our home. Insert "pride". It wasn't long before I was dragging Carter to our bedroom to give him a little talking to. On my way to the bedroom I realized that Carter was just being a kid; an imperfect kid who needed redirection, but my blood was boiling because he wasn't acting perfect in front of new friends.

Wow.

It made me stop and think of what kind of pressures am I putting on my kids because they don't "act" the way "I" want them to. Now, I am not talking about being disobedient or disrespectful. But just acting like kids who need to be trained.

How do you feel when your kid is mean to another kid, or doesn't share or in some other way "shows" him or herself and it is a bad reflection on you, as their parent?

It got me to thinking, is it really a bad reflection on me when my kid acts out or am I putting expectations on my kids and reacting to those expectations when it really doesn't matter.

Obviously, if your child isn't acting right it is an opportunity for us as parents to discipline our child, to train them. Which is what discipline actually stands for.

I recently asked some of my friends what the most unpredictable thing their kids have ever done in front of them and others. I got great responses.

Kids are unpredictable by nature and for the most part, I can handle it. Especially when you can find humor in it. Like some of my friends who were mortified by their young child saying, in a very loud voice when seeing a black person, " why is that person brown?". And by the way, Carrie....Carter asked the same thing just YESTERDAY while we had stopped for gas. It made me laugh because you had just given me that example! LOL! Or another friend who's daughter decided to cram a stuffed animal between her legs at a get together and say something very embarrassing to the crowd.

It didn't take me long to figure out that kids don't come out of the womb knowing what to do, they need training. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a four year old asking, "why is that person brown" or "is that person old". That is a kids natural curiosity. They do need to learn to ask those questions in private. They do need to be taught what discretion is and how to not be impulsive with every thought that comes into their mind. Those are questions that need to be explained and answered. But as mortified as we might be by some of our children's actions, well, they're just being kids.

I had another mom who responded in a way that I wish I responded more often. She said she knows her kids are unpredictable and to not expect anything less....that way, you are always prepared for the unpredictable! It was very good advice!

How prideful is it (and I'm talking to myself here) to want my kid to be the best behaved kid in town, especially in front of friends. For my kid to always make the right choices. To recite his ABC's and 123's on cue so that I can "show him off".

I was just really convicted the other day about MY behaviors. MY reactions. And MY responses to Carter's behaviors.

Something to chew on this week....