Surviving Boston

What can you say about a week like this week? Most of us are still reeling from the Boston Marathon bombings which occurred on Monday. Other tragedies have occurred this week also, explosions in Texas, poisoned letters sent to the President and I could go on.

By Tuesday, I recognized the amount of stress and anxiety the Boston bombing was starting to have on me. I watched the news just like everyone else, I am sure. But with every news story, the repetitive showing of the bombing site and the people falling. Hearing about blood and limbs and then finally, the fact that an eight year old boy was killed, I could sense more and more anxiety building up.

By Wednesday, the anxiety started manifesting itself. It began by good things, like prayer. Prayer for those that were injured, and families of those killed. It then moved into things that I could not control but felt really, really bad about. Specifically, the eight year old innocent child that was killed watching his dad finish a marathon. His mom and sister are critically injured. I have a seven year old and I started to think about him being killed. How would I get through that. Then I started getting jumpy. If Greg had a meeting and it went long and I didn't hear from him, I started thinking something tragic had happened. When I couldn't find Carter on Wednesday, at the house, I was in a near panic (ends up he was in the bathroom, ahem, an unusually long time).

That's when I stopped watching the news. That's when I evaluated why I was feeling this way. And I knew I probably wasn't the only one.

When things feel out of control, we want to control them. And when tragic things happen, even if it didn't happen to us or anyone that we know, we feel out of control. And when we can identify with someone in a close way, much like this family who lost their eight year old son, we desperately want control. We want to be able to do something, anything. And there's just not anything we can physically "do". And that's frustrating. And if it's out of our control, we begin to think "what if", what if something like this happened to my family....

And that is where the anxiety comes in, because we don't have control. 90% of things that happen to us are beyond our control. It's how we choose to respond to them that will determine how they affect us, not the actual event itself.

So, I figured other people were probably feeling like me and I wanted to pass the biggest way you can circumvent your anxiety during moments of national and even local crises.

TURN THE TELEVISION OFF!!!!!!!!

WHY?

First, I don't know if you realize it or not, but news sometimes really isn't news. It's sensationalized information that may or may not come out as actual fact. Think about it, initially how many things were initially "reported" that turned out not to be truth. Because people can access news from so many sources, news media have to do everything they can to get the "scoop".  So often there are things that are reported just for sensationalism purposes because the news reporters are encouraged to keep the attention of the viewers. Keep that in mind.

Second, even if you don't struggle with anxiety, stress or depression, watching traumatic events over and over will increase a sense of helplessness and lack of control that can suddenly increase anxiety symptoms. If you are suffering from anxiety or stress, watching those videos over and over can actually make your symptoms much worse.   ONCE YOU SEE A PICTURE OR A VIDEO OF A TRAUMATIC EVENT YOU CAN'T ERASE IT FROM YOUR MIND. And if you watch it over and over again, it can actually affect how you feel. You might not even realize how it is affecting you until it is too late. Friday night I actually got to see a snippet of an interview on our local news with a psychologist from  Vanderbilt and she spoke about the same thing. That focusing on this tragedy will increase stress and anxiety. (Kinda made me feel good, since I had already written this blog post and she was talking about the same thing....).

Finally, connecting with a traumatic event through similar backgrounds and lifestyles can makes something feel very close and real to your own family. I personally experienced that this week when I started seeing pictures of the little boy who was killed during the bombings. And when you watch their story unfold on TV, and as the week went on they started showing video of the 19 year old placing the bomb near the child, and spinning that tragic story, it just yanks at your emotions, heart, and well being. I was reminded again...turn the TV OFF!!!.  I have a seven year old, this boy was eight. I started thinking of the "what ifs". What if they had chosen a different spot. What if the dad had finished later. What if. What if. What if. Then I started thinking about MY what ifs. What if something happened here. What if something happened to my children. How would I feel if my child had been blown up. What would I do....

Well, as I tell clients, that's a really good way to go crazy. Viewing traumatic events over and over just feed our natural tendency to worry, feel out of control, and when you couple that with similarities with people who have been traumatized, a connection, if you will, it is difficult to separate the feeling that something could actually happen to YOU or YOUR family. And the likelihood of something like that happening is so, so very slim, that is is pointless to even allow it to enter your mind.

So I stopped. I realized what was happening and I turned the television off. I stopped watching news coverage. I didn't read the stories on facebook, I scrolled through pictures and videos quickly so as not to view them because what happened to these people, as tragic and horrible as it was, it was not helping anything in my life and my surroundings for me to make it personal. Because it wasn't personal. It was crazy. And crazy things happen. And we can't control crazy. And I wasn't going to allow the crazy to take over my life.

The best thing I could do was pray. I am a person of faith. I cling to that faith during times like these because, for me, it brings me peace. You may or may not be a person of faith. For me, knowing that something bigger than me is in ultimate control brings ultimate peace. I am safe. My husband is safe. My children are safe. Bad things may happen, but I believe that no matter what happens to us, I can trust that my faith will carry me through. Others struggle with this type of crisis of belief. How could God allow this horrific thing to happen. If God exists and if He is good, why do bad things, tragic things, traumatic things happen.

I will cover that in my next blog post.

MInd and Body, It's All Connected....

What do you think of when you read the above title?

Last week I began with an introduction to women taking care of themselves. I don't know any female client that I see that we don't go over self-care and how they keep balance in this insane, sometimes chaotic whirlwind we call LIFE. There is enough research that shows that stress inside the body comes out in various, unhealthy ways if we do not learn how to manage it.

Self-care is the art of nurturing yourself. Taking care of not only your body, but also your mind. It goes way deeper than that, but today I want to talk about the importance of how your mind plays a huge role in how you feel about yourself, how you respond to stress and ways that you can start improving how you look at yourself and how you look at life.

This is why self-care is more than just scheduling time for yourself, or finding an extra-curricular activity you enjoy. It's the total package. And scheduling time for yourself is an important part of taking care of yourself, but it's a whole lot easier to do those things when you truly believe that you are worth it. See how the mind plays a role in that?


If you start with the inside, it will be easier to put into habit the wonderful extraneous stuff that also feeds your soul, such as that regularly scheduled massage. But a lot of good it will do to feed your soul by getting a massage, taking a bubble bath or getting a manicure if you still think negative things about why you are doing them. Or if you feel guilt or shame for carving out time for yourself (which is just another form of negativity) and "stinking thinking", which I will go into in a moment.

First, the mind....

I did a quick search on bible passages (and I mean quick) and found over 37 verses about renewing our mind.. Here are a couple of my favorites.

Romans 12:1-2 ESV  

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

2 Corinthians 4:16 ESV    

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.

I don't know about you, but it is very easy for me to get stuck in "stinking thinking". And a healthy person can see that pattern and generally turn it around. Sometimes, life events happen that make it very difficult to pull ourselves out of negative thinking. If you struggle with depression or even anxiety, your mind is often not filled with good things. This is also known as the "critical self".

Oh yeah, we are our own worst enemy.

For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. Proverbs 23:7

Women who know how to nurture themselves generally don't have a habit of negative thinking. She is able to reason within her heart what is good and what is bad (Philippians 4:8). It doesn't mean she doesn't ever have a negative thought or wallow in a bad mood now and then. But overall, a woman who knows how to take care of herself knows what she needs, gets those needs met appropriately, and renews her mind on. good. things.

So how do I renew my mind?

The best place to start is just to be aware of how you think. Don't try and change anything, but maybe keep a journal for a week or two about what you are thinking about each day. For people with severe depression and anxiety, therapists often get them to complete a "mood chart" each day. A client recently informed me that there is actually an app for your smart phone you can add that will track your daily mood. Yep. They have an app for that! HERE is a link for more info on that app, appropriately titled, "Moody Me".

Once we see how we are thinking then we can work on changing it. It is amazing once women start doing this they can see how much "stinking thinking" they have allowed in. Poor communication, making assumptions, all or nothing thinking....all of these types of thinking (and lots more) affect our mood, our stress levels and ultimately, our interactions with others in a negative way.

There is an awesome book by David D. Burns, MD that you can get HERE called The Feeling Good Handbook. It. Is. Amazing. And it can go much further in depth than I can with teaching you how to renew your mind (and improve your mood, communication and interactions with others).

We are not done with talking about the mind, but that is all for today. Your homework this week, if you choose to accept it...is to keep a journal of your thoughts, your moods, and how that played a role in how you interacted with others. Put it all in there, the good , bad and the ugly. You are the only one that is going to be looking at it. If you find a lot of negative stuff in there, then get Dr. Burns book. And tune in here next time as we go further with mindfulness and the role it plays in taking care of YOU!!!

It starts in the mind.

Have a great week!!!

Weepy

So I was sitting in the car in the pick up line at my son's school, like any other day. I don't know what came on me, but I got extremely sentimental watching all the kids come out to their parent's car. I see my son and he's talking to his friends. He's happy. He gets in the car and is all excited about getting a prize for the upcoming runathon at school. Before he came out I was reflecting on how great all the Kindergartner teachers are. They always have a great attitude and a smile on their face. I think about how to let them know that so I could encourage them.

I pull away from the parking lot at school and something occurs to me. I am a mom.

Now, I know that sounds crazy, because I am a mom. I have been a mom for a little over 6 years. Surely, this is not the first time this has occurred to me. I really don't know what came over me. It just hit me in a wave. I. Am. A. Mom. Wow.

What an honor. What a privilege. I get to experience this. I feel very humbled and extremely blessed.

I don't always feel this way. I usually dread the car line at school. Not because I am selfish or don't want to pick up my child, just that I am rushed and multi-tasking and picking up the kids takes time out of the many things I have to do during the day.

This is my first week not having to travel to Nashville for work. I am only working one day this week in town at my new counseling position. I think, for me, that makes a huge difference in my stress. I don't know.

Of course, I did fall last night and twist my ankle. Maybe it's the pain meds. (LOL).

Nah, I am very blessed and my heart is just overflowing with love for these two boys (who happen to drive me very crazy sometimes).

Love them. Love this life. Thank you, Lord!! Thank you, Lord for reminding me of these great gifts. Even if it was the car line at school.

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day! :)

Okay. I should warn everyone before they read this. I have not had any sugar or processed carbs in 7 days. On top of that, I have pink eye. Of course, I got pink eye from my 6 year old. We were stuck in the house all weekend because pink eye is so contagious. Because it is so contagious, friends can't come over to play. Even for mommy, because mommy's friends usually bring friends to play with Carter. Carter is Contagious, with a capital "C".

So I am having a bad day. I want to whine and complain, but I can't. I am too blessed and I know it.

There is a lot of "stuff" going on at our house. Lots of changes on the horizon, all good. Just change can be very stressful so on top of that, being sick and having sick kids just adds to the stress.

But, this is life and we are truly blessed. As I sit here, it hits me that even when I have a bad day, it is much better than someone else's day in a third world country. Actually, even in this country, my bad day does not compare to what others have to go through.

So, instead of whining and complaining about my Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (okay, that is so exaggerating, but I love that book!) I have decided to put warm compresses on my eyes, fix me a cup of decaf instead of a snack, and think about all the GOOD things going on in my life. And how blessed we really are.

One of the things I am thankful for and truly blessed with is a GREAT husband. I mean, he gets me, he loves me, and we laugh a lot, because we get each other, you know. :) I think that is the best part and maybe it's just because you live with someone, but the longer you are together you can truly read each other's thoughts or what they are about to say. In fact, tonight, Greg and I repeated the exact same sentence to one of our sons at the same time. It happens all the time.

As a counselor, I get to hear about people's "stuff". Sometimes I hear really bad stuff about relationships. I had one of those appointments last Thursday when I guy came in discussing ending his marriage. I came home and was talking about it with Greg, and, without saying anything about the client's situation, I will just say that he has gone through things that have never been an issue with us. Marriage isn't easy, but I feel Greg and I have been blessed. Of course, we were 34 years old when we got married, so at that age, I am thankful we got it right! LOL.

Last Friday night was a clear reminder to me how well meshed we are. We had kept Carter home from school but didn't know for sure if he had pink eye yet, or not. We had been stuck in the house all day and were ready to get out. I have been eating pretty healthy and had been snacking on raw veggies before we left to go out to eat. Griffin, my two year old LOVES raw veggies. Really. He wanted to try my green pepper, so I let him. He loved them. I was amazed.

Fast forward to the restaurant, as soon as we got there, Griffin started acting kind of strange. Eventually, he just wanted to be held. He didn't have a fever, but was just very lethargic. I mean, what two year old just lays around at a restaurant, mine certainly doesn't. I held Griffin while Greg ate, and Greg took Griffin so I could eat (see, that's a sign of a good husband). Griffin would not eat anything. He would not even drink his sprite. Something was up.

So, we are finishing up rather quickly, realizing that this dinner wasn't turning out to be such a great idea. We try to pay cash for most things and most of the time Greg pays, but he had mentioned in the car that he had limited cash. When the server brought the check, it sat there a minute because I wasn't thinking about our earlier conversation about me paying that night.

So I am eating my burger (with no bun and a side of broccoli, thank you very much) and Greg brings up the check needing to be paid. Then he drops a line from a story I tell about a previous boyfriend, ahem. This ex never paid for anything when we went out and actually asked me to go "Dutch" at an expensive restaurant once, one of our first dates. I am ashamed to even mention that because of course I realize now that that is not how a girl deserves to be treated, but what can I say? I was young.

So all Greg does is drop this line. He is sitting to the far left across from me. Griffin is in his lap and Greg is rocking him back and forth ( I don't think there is anything more sexy!). I chuckle and take another line from that story and lay it on him. We both crack up. Basically, making a joke about me paying for dinner. Har, har, har. It's okay if you don't think it's funny. You had to be there. It was hilarious!

I just had to sit back and think, wow. How blessed we are. Not lucky, blessed. I mean, he gets me. We get each other. And we get each other's sense of humor, which is the best. If you can't laugh with someone, well, that would be a very bane existence. So we laughed and I started to pay the check all the while reveling in what a man I have.

Then Griffin threw up.

All over Greg.

It was disgusting.

We were in a restaurant with two kids, puke went everywhere, all over Greg and Griffin, and the booth. Ugh. Griffin looked a little confused, like, "what just happened". This was his first projectile experience, soooo glad he decided to do it in a public restaurant. (groan).

So, after we "attempted" to clean Griffin and Greg up, we paid the bill and left. The staff was great, but I was more than embarrassed!!

But you know what we did all the way home? Greg and I laughed. I told him he smelled, bad. I can't even remember all we laughed about, all I remember was wrapping Griffin's jacket in a giant napkin and putting it in the back of the car and having to roll the windows down on the way home because I was about to gag.

And I just kept thinking, wow, not every guy can handle being thrown up on and keep his sense of humor. Griffin was very happy in the back seat sucking down his sprite. I guess the green peppers didn't agree with him. He was fine once he threw up. We got home and he had some Chicken and Stars soup and was great.

So, in the middle of all the sickness and not feeling well, this is what I'm thinking about tonight.

Greg, not throw up. Ha!

And it makes me smile!!!!