So I indulged in a little Valentines candy today, pre-valentines day. Stopped at Walgreen's to pick up some things and bought some little 2 for $1.00 Russell Stover valentine's candy. For some reason, Valentines candy does not make me think of romantic love. I've never asked for Valentines candy as a present, probably because I am always watching my weight. It doesn't mean, however, that I have not eaten my fair share.
Today, I specifically thought about an early February nine years ago. I was pregnant with our first child. I honestly didn't think that I could get pregnant, even though I had no reason to think that other than I was older and overweight. I went from utter shock in learning that we were pregnant to being overjoyed...and a little queasy.
Anyway, I will never forget it. We hosted a Super Bowl party with our Sunday school class, who I had shared our awesome news with. We had told our family. I wasn't even 8 weeks pregnant yet. The next day I was scheduled to have the first ultrasound to date the pregnancy and hear the heartbeat.
We went in for our scheduled appointment. We went through the entire ultrasound and I wondered why we couldn't see the heartbeat.The technician didn't let on until she had gathered all the information she needed for assessment and then she let us know that she was sorry, but she didn't see a heartbeat.
It was a pretty ugly scene. I may have screamed. I know I was crying and inconsolable. Poor Greg. He was also in shock and was trying to comfort me. I'm sure we asked questions. I can't remember now what they were. The tech left us alone for a while. I got dressed and we waited to see my doctor's nurse. They gave us options on what we could do. I was so in shock that I couldn't do anything but go home.
By now you are probably wondering what this has to do with Valentine's candy. Well, in the next few days, my mom came to be with us. I couldn't decide whether or not to have a D and C. And in between there, I ate Valentine's candy. I remember going into Target and seeing all the Valentines displays and bought a big box of chocolates. And proceeded to eat them all.
I had lost a lot of weight previously so, even though they weren't asking why, I told my mom and my husband that for now, I was going to eat candy. I was going to be fine, and I wouldn't keep eating candy, but for the next few days, I was going to eat as much candy as I wanted. LOL.
By the end of the week I decided to have a D and C and after one more sonogram to ease my mind and to make sure that our little baby indeed had no heartbeat, the procedure was done and the rest is history.
I think I ate another big box of candy after the procedure. I'm sure I shared. Maybe.
I have absolutely no reason why I remembered that today. I think I probably remember it every year, but for some reason today I needed to write about it.
Greg and I have gone on to have two healthy children (along with two more, just as devastating, miscarriages in between). I have had more vaginal ultrasounds than I ever care to remember. Lots of bloodwork. I am glad that the fear and anxiety that always followed finding out I was pregnant is behind us. No more holding our breath through the first trimester. No more "procedures". No more loss in the baby department.
But today, as I bit into my little Russell Stover treat, I just happened to have my breath taken away from a memory of a hope that turned into a loss and a left a lot of tears and questions behind it.
And the memory of that time flooded back as if it was yesterday and I felt compelled to write about it.
I guess there is always room for processing grief and today was my day.
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Is God Good?
This is a post that goes along with my response to the Boston tragedy. Since then, we have seen horrific devastation and loss of life in Moore, OK. Because of this, it still bears questioning. Is God good? To read my post on Boston, click HERE
For me, when personal tragedies have happened in my life, it is during those times that I have wrestled with the goodness of God. What I have been through may not be anything like what you have been through, it doesn't mean we don't experience similar doubt. And the thing is I think doubt is good. I think it's normal. I think it is part of the process of growth. I believe He is good. If you question whether or not God is good, I believe it is a journey many of us have been on, will be on or have travelled through. And it's personal and unique to every individual.
If your heart cries out to know if God is good He will lead you to the "answers" you need. For me, this is often in creation, or reading about creation in the bible. Before we get all bent out of shape on theories of creation vs. evolution, all I am saying is, do you believe something bigger than you had something to do with this earth and why we are on it? You will never know all the answers, even with the best research, statistics, theories....sometimes you just have to go on faith. And what better way to go on faith than to look at the heavens and simply declare his majesty. It gets me. every. time.
God can handle our questions. He knows when you are doubting him, angry at him and forsaking him. And he can handle it. He loves you. He sent his son to die for you. That is the ultimate peace for me. No matter what we experience here on earth, through my faith in Jesus Christ, I know that this world is temporary. And even though it is sometimes very, very scary and bad things happen, even loss of life, loss of those close to me, I cling to the hope that this life is temporary. And for that I am thankful. I was made for eternity. Not this life. My God is big enough, good enough and well, just plain ENOUGH. It means surrendering control, because we don't have control. It means realizing that life is a gift, it is short, and even my husband and children and any other family ARE NOT MINE. They are gifts from God.
Even with all the pain, doubt, fear, I go to His word and read about how BIG God is. And how he has always been and always will be. And then I rest. And I have peace. Because even if I don't understand everything (and that is part of surrendering to Who God Is) then I humble myself and thank God that I don't have to. And trust that He IS the Great I AM. And He's got it covered. Simple.
Yet we make it so difficult.
I don't say this flippantly. I am not saying I would not grieve or be hurt if something happened to my family. I would be devastated. I still don't understand why bad things happen to good people, but I know that God is good. And no matter what, I am glad that it is in His hands and not mine. Eventually, even through great grief, I would hope and pray I could come through it trusting Him more by humbling myself and saying "I don't have all the answers, and even though I don't understand this, I am thankful I have someone SO BIG, Ever-present, and Perfect to cast on all my cares". I am never responsible for carrying that burden. Ever. And what would get me through it is that this life is simply a vapor. And some days, I will want my time on earth to literally be like a vapor. Other times, I will want it to last, be never ending, like a flame on a slow burning candle. But unless we have those days, seasons when that we wish we could escape, like a vapor, and vanish completely, we don't really learn to treasure the other seasons.The beautiful, warm, fun-filled, loved, and precious moments that God has allowed us to experience. A wedding, a birth, a love story. A success and even some failures. And let's not forget the miracles. We see so many miracles every day, but we seem to forget them when things aren't going our way.
My, how we would take them for granted. We would never get a taste of heaven. The more pain and loss that I have experienced has allowed me to see, touch and feel heaven so much more than if I had never experienced those things. And it is a hope. It is a peace. It is full of anticipation and the unknown.
He's God. He is good. He has always been. He will always be. He is never changing. And he chose me. Me. All of me, warts and all. And He would do it all over again, if He had to. That's why I keep coming back. Because no matter how long my journey away from God is, it is the simple truth and simple faith that keep me here and coming back for more.
He is forever faithful and I am forever thankful and humbled by that truth.
For me, when personal tragedies have happened in my life, it is during those times that I have wrestled with the goodness of God. What I have been through may not be anything like what you have been through, it doesn't mean we don't experience similar doubt. And the thing is I think doubt is good. I think it's normal. I think it is part of the process of growth. I believe He is good. If you question whether or not God is good, I believe it is a journey many of us have been on, will be on or have travelled through. And it's personal and unique to every individual.
If your heart cries out to know if God is good He will lead you to the "answers" you need. For me, this is often in creation, or reading about creation in the bible. Before we get all bent out of shape on theories of creation vs. evolution, all I am saying is, do you believe something bigger than you had something to do with this earth and why we are on it? You will never know all the answers, even with the best research, statistics, theories....sometimes you just have to go on faith. And what better way to go on faith than to look at the heavens and simply declare his majesty. It gets me. every. time.
God can handle our questions. He knows when you are doubting him, angry at him and forsaking him. And he can handle it. He loves you. He sent his son to die for you. That is the ultimate peace for me. No matter what we experience here on earth, through my faith in Jesus Christ, I know that this world is temporary. And even though it is sometimes very, very scary and bad things happen, even loss of life, loss of those close to me, I cling to the hope that this life is temporary. And for that I am thankful. I was made for eternity. Not this life. My God is big enough, good enough and well, just plain ENOUGH. It means surrendering control, because we don't have control. It means realizing that life is a gift, it is short, and even my husband and children and any other family ARE NOT MINE. They are gifts from God.
Even with all the pain, doubt, fear, I go to His word and read about how BIG God is. And how he has always been and always will be. And then I rest. And I have peace. Because even if I don't understand everything (and that is part of surrendering to Who God Is) then I humble myself and thank God that I don't have to. And trust that He IS the Great I AM. And He's got it covered. Simple.
Yet we make it so difficult.
I don't say this flippantly. I am not saying I would not grieve or be hurt if something happened to my family. I would be devastated. I still don't understand why bad things happen to good people, but I know that God is good. And no matter what, I am glad that it is in His hands and not mine. Eventually, even through great grief, I would hope and pray I could come through it trusting Him more by humbling myself and saying "I don't have all the answers, and even though I don't understand this, I am thankful I have someone SO BIG, Ever-present, and Perfect to cast on all my cares". I am never responsible for carrying that burden. Ever. And what would get me through it is that this life is simply a vapor. And some days, I will want my time on earth to literally be like a vapor. Other times, I will want it to last, be never ending, like a flame on a slow burning candle. But unless we have those days, seasons when that we wish we could escape, like a vapor, and vanish completely, we don't really learn to treasure the other seasons.The beautiful, warm, fun-filled, loved, and precious moments that God has allowed us to experience. A wedding, a birth, a love story. A success and even some failures. And let's not forget the miracles. We see so many miracles every day, but we seem to forget them when things aren't going our way.
My, how we would take them for granted. We would never get a taste of heaven. The more pain and loss that I have experienced has allowed me to see, touch and feel heaven so much more than if I had never experienced those things. And it is a hope. It is a peace. It is full of anticipation and the unknown.
He's God. He is good. He has always been. He will always be. He is never changing. And he chose me. Me. All of me, warts and all. And He would do it all over again, if He had to. That's why I keep coming back. Because no matter how long my journey away from God is, it is the simple truth and simple faith that keep me here and coming back for more.
He is forever faithful and I am forever thankful and humbled by that truth.
A Christmas Tribute to Sadie
It's Christmas Eve and I have a couple of very excited kids! They even got to eat cookies for breakfast (I am sure I will regret that choice later). I have not wrapped ONE present. Not one, I know. It will make for a fun evening later. Thankfully, the gifts Santa leaves for the kids are not wrapped. Because why would Santa wrap presents. LOL.
This is a very bittersweet this year. The Small Town Shootings. Some dear friends just lost their little girl to a 40 day battle with leukemia. Her funeral will be a couple of days after Christmas. I cannot even imagine what they are feeling and going through and I won't even try, because there is no feeling I have felt that compares with the loss of a living, breathing child that had her whole life ahead of her. A 17 month old, blue-eyed, blond fiesty baby girl. Sadiebug.
I never had the opportunty to meet Sadie. Our families moved in different directions and different churches and to be honest, I am not particularly close to Amber or Tim. I've known Tim for 12 years and we used to be leaders in the singles department at church years ago. But, the last few we have kept up on facebook, like so many people do these days. So even though I never got to meet Sadie, I saw pictures of Amber being pregnant and complaining about the heat (second pregnancies are NOT fun anyway, but giving birth in July must be torture). Sadie was born and Amber is an awesome photographer and had so many great pictures of Eli, Sadie's big brother, and of course, of Sadie. Most of the time in an owl hat or big bow.
She was precious.
This is the verse Tim and Amber had dedicated to Sadie in her fight with Leukemia.
I don't have any words of wisdom for Tim and Amber, and truly, it is not my place to give words of wisdom. What could I say that would truly be of comfort to them? Just a little advice if you have a situation where you have a grieving mother or father ( or anyone else for that matter) you don't have to say anything. You don't have to come up with even a bible verse. And please don't say "it was God's will" or "she's better off". Acknowledge that this is a horrible situation and that you are thinking, praying, crying with them in love. That's all any grieving person needs. They don't need words right now.
Tim and Amber have showed a strong faith throughout. But even with a strong faith, this has to be the most difficult thing they have gone through and in the weeks and months to follow I am sure they will feel many, many feelings. Some of them may not be so nice. Some of them may be anger. They need to know it's ok. And even if they feel mad at God at some point, it's okay. We have a God that is big enough to handle it. It's just part of the process of grief....feelings.
Thursday is Sadie's celebration of life. Her funeral. I will be there. I am sure I will see a lot of people I know and love. And I wish we were meeting and spending time together under different circumstances.
This is a very bittersweet this year. The Small Town Shootings. Some dear friends just lost their little girl to a 40 day battle with leukemia. Her funeral will be a couple of days after Christmas. I cannot even imagine what they are feeling and going through and I won't even try, because there is no feeling I have felt that compares with the loss of a living, breathing child that had her whole life ahead of her. A 17 month old, blue-eyed, blond fiesty baby girl. Sadiebug.
I never had the opportunty to meet Sadie. Our families moved in different directions and different churches and to be honest, I am not particularly close to Amber or Tim. I've known Tim for 12 years and we used to be leaders in the singles department at church years ago. But, the last few we have kept up on facebook, like so many people do these days. So even though I never got to meet Sadie, I saw pictures of Amber being pregnant and complaining about the heat (second pregnancies are NOT fun anyway, but giving birth in July must be torture). Sadie was born and Amber is an awesome photographer and had so many great pictures of Eli, Sadie's big brother, and of course, of Sadie. Most of the time in an owl hat or big bow.
She was precious.
This is the verse Tim and Amber had dedicated to Sadie in her fight with Leukemia.
My prayer for Tim and Amber is that they still have HOPE. And I believe they do. In the midst of the worst we still have hope if we have faith. And Tim and Amber have faith. And I don't know why this has happened to them, but I know Sadie has touched so many lives through this event and for whatever reason, Sadie was meant to be here and touch those lives and she will touch more lives in her passing. And in that there is comfort and hope and peace. And knowing they will be reunited again. And comfort in knowing that Sadie is whole and healthy and enjoying heaven. Oh, beautiful girl. We know where you are and as painful as it is that you had to go through so much, the reassurance that you will not experience any more pain is comforting.
Tim and Amber have showed a strong faith throughout. But even with a strong faith, this has to be the most difficult thing they have gone through and in the weeks and months to follow I am sure they will feel many, many feelings. Some of them may not be so nice. Some of them may be anger. They need to know it's ok. And even if they feel mad at God at some point, it's okay. We have a God that is big enough to handle it. It's just part of the process of grief....feelings.
Thursday is Sadie's celebration of life. Her funeral. I will be there. I am sure I will see a lot of people I know and love. And I wish we were meeting and spending time together under different circumstances.
I am going to soak up every moment of this Christmas Eve with my healthy children. Tim and Amber and the Davis family reminds me yet again that life is a gift, as are children. My children are gifts. My husband is a gift. My prayer is that I don't hold onto them too tightly, because they aren't mine. God chose to bless me and give them to me as gifts. Life is short. Life is hard. But it is also very, very good. And everyday I make the choice to hold onto my kids or give them back to the Lord. Some days I don't do too well but it always goes better when I remember they aren't mine. they are gifts.
This year I am not only reflecting on Christ's birth and the wonderful gift that He was, but also the wonderful gift of children. And I am going to hold them tight.
If the Davis family comes to your mind during the next few days and even weeks, please keep them in your prayers. And remember to keep giving your gifts away, every day.
Jantsen's Gift
Jantsen's Gift: A True Story of Grief, Rescue and Grace
Last Monday, I had the privilege of attending a local non-profit's fund-raising dinner. This is an organization that I have recently become contracted with in my counseling practice. They also have a very large adoption program.
The speaker that presented at the dinner was named Pam Cope and she has written a wonderful book entitled, Jantsen's Gift. In this book, Pam writes about a lot of tragic things, namely the sudden death of her 15 year old son several years ago. Through this tragic death, and God's hand, Pam now has been able to save, literally, hundreds of children across the world, including Vietnam, Cambodia and Africa.
I bought the book and had her sign it and eagerly dug in. I finished it yesterday and to say I was moved by the book just doesn't seem like enough. This book will make you think. And cry. I could barely get through the chapter on her son's death. Being a mom myself and putting myself in that situation, well, I don't see how she and her husband made it, but she was very transparent in her grief and her relationship with God. She is real.
And it is amazing to see how God used such pain, grief and tragedy to help others. Greg and I are still "talking" about ways to cut money from out budget and wanting to raise our kids with a perspective of simplicity rather than all this "stuff". This is a great book to get me motivated to do more. It is one thing to talk about doing something, or to just give money, but Pam, her husband and her family actually sacrificed A LOT to help orphans in need.
We have so much but there are poor, innocent children who have NOTHING. And not only do they have nothing they are beaten, abused and starved. We have a strong connection to Haiti because we have friends that have ministered to that country for several years, then the earthquake hit in January and it personalized the country for us even more because people we knew had loved ones there. Then, Greg went on a mission trip to Haiti last March. It was a truly life changing experience for him. And we want our kids to know how blessed they are, truly blessed.
This has always been in our hearts. And I am praying that we can really take some actions steps in the next few years with them to show them that even if we had nothing...we would have more than some children across the world. And, if we don't happen to get their favorite kind of cereal this week, well, at least they still have food to eat.
This is a excerpt from the book. Pam was writing about this very issue regarding her kids...how are we going to teach them that they have SO MUCH. They were blessed to be born into a free country and have parents that love them and provide for them,
The concept of a bad day for my kids is when the cable goes out, or there’s a not enough milk for their Lucky Charms. I want my kids to know a different life than that; to have a different understanding of what constitutes hardship. The best way for me to do this is to do what I regretted not having done for Jantsen: teach them, through the way I live my life, that the world is not as big as we think and it’s my responsibility–and will someday be theirs–to take care of people who need our help, even if those people look nothing like us, or live someplace that seems far away and foreign. I see many of my friends trying to shield their kids from pain and disappointment the way that I did when Jantsen and Crista were young, but I can’t continue to do that. I don’t want them to be crippled by fear. I want them to take chances and live adventurous lives. I want them to live their dreams, and the best way I can teach them to do that is to let them watch me live mine.
That is a good word! Period. Lots on my mind. Lots to pray about and ponder. Praying the Lord works in my heart and that my heart will put my feet into action. And it really all comes down to training the next generation that it really isn't all about them. But what we can do for others!!
If you would like to learn more about Pam's organization, click HERE.
To order a copy of her book, which I highly recommend, click HERE.
HERE is a link to Pam's story on Oprah.
Last Monday, I had the privilege of attending a local non-profit's fund-raising dinner. This is an organization that I have recently become contracted with in my counseling practice. They also have a very large adoption program.
The speaker that presented at the dinner was named Pam Cope and she has written a wonderful book entitled, Jantsen's Gift. In this book, Pam writes about a lot of tragic things, namely the sudden death of her 15 year old son several years ago. Through this tragic death, and God's hand, Pam now has been able to save, literally, hundreds of children across the world, including Vietnam, Cambodia and Africa.
I bought the book and had her sign it and eagerly dug in. I finished it yesterday and to say I was moved by the book just doesn't seem like enough. This book will make you think. And cry. I could barely get through the chapter on her son's death. Being a mom myself and putting myself in that situation, well, I don't see how she and her husband made it, but she was very transparent in her grief and her relationship with God. She is real.
And it is amazing to see how God used such pain, grief and tragedy to help others. Greg and I are still "talking" about ways to cut money from out budget and wanting to raise our kids with a perspective of simplicity rather than all this "stuff". This is a great book to get me motivated to do more. It is one thing to talk about doing something, or to just give money, but Pam, her husband and her family actually sacrificed A LOT to help orphans in need.
We have so much but there are poor, innocent children who have NOTHING. And not only do they have nothing they are beaten, abused and starved. We have a strong connection to Haiti because we have friends that have ministered to that country for several years, then the earthquake hit in January and it personalized the country for us even more because people we knew had loved ones there. Then, Greg went on a mission trip to Haiti last March. It was a truly life changing experience for him. And we want our kids to know how blessed they are, truly blessed.
This has always been in our hearts. And I am praying that we can really take some actions steps in the next few years with them to show them that even if we had nothing...we would have more than some children across the world. And, if we don't happen to get their favorite kind of cereal this week, well, at least they still have food to eat.
This is a excerpt from the book. Pam was writing about this very issue regarding her kids...how are we going to teach them that they have SO MUCH. They were blessed to be born into a free country and have parents that love them and provide for them,
The concept of a bad day for my kids is when the cable goes out, or there’s a not enough milk for their Lucky Charms. I want my kids to know a different life than that; to have a different understanding of what constitutes hardship. The best way for me to do this is to do what I regretted not having done for Jantsen: teach them, through the way I live my life, that the world is not as big as we think and it’s my responsibility–and will someday be theirs–to take care of people who need our help, even if those people look nothing like us, or live someplace that seems far away and foreign. I see many of my friends trying to shield their kids from pain and disappointment the way that I did when Jantsen and Crista were young, but I can’t continue to do that. I don’t want them to be crippled by fear. I want them to take chances and live adventurous lives. I want them to live their dreams, and the best way I can teach them to do that is to let them watch me live mine.
That is a good word! Period. Lots on my mind. Lots to pray about and ponder. Praying the Lord works in my heart and that my heart will put my feet into action. And it really all comes down to training the next generation that it really isn't all about them. But what we can do for others!!
If you would like to learn more about Pam's organization, click HERE.
To order a copy of her book, which I highly recommend, click HERE.
HERE is a link to Pam's story on Oprah.
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