22/24

I have found some very encouraging, uplifting, healing blogs that have kind of helped push me forward in opening about my recovery from addiction with food. Disordered eating, whatever you want to call it. These blogs or Facebook pages encouraged me to look at myself as OK just the way that I am.

The one that has currently had the most positive impact you can find HERE!

From these social media outlets, I even started following some plus size fashion pages. Recently, I've started wearing different clothes. I found that even though I was heavier than I was two years ago, I wasn't nearly as self-conscious in my clothes as I used to be. Whereas before, I had to make sure that the outfit I was wearing was flattering and I had to make sure there weren't any bulges sticking out. (there are ALWAYS bulges, c'mon!) But if I believed they weren't there, they weren't there. Ha!

That's why in the past when I lost a significant amount of weight, even though I was still large, I felt like I looked acceptable on the outside, looked good in my clothes, and therefore, I was "happy". Inside I was still a hot mess.

I have always been meticulous about the way that I look and wanting to look my best on the outside. I grew up with a family that looked meticulous at all times. It didn't matter what was going on inside the house, when the Douberly's stepped out, well, we looked like we had it together. So, even though I don't care about looking perfect now, I have used looking good on the outside as kind of my mask for a long time.

Whenever I have lost weight in the past and gotten semi-close to regular-sized clothing, it never failed I would head over to Lane Bryant thinking  how happy I would be that I would be rid of this store once and for all. Part of my shame in being fat is having to shop in specialty stores.

 Of course, eventually I would regain the weight back and there I would be.....back at LB shopping for my 22/24. *sigh*

There is nothing wrong with having to shop specialty stores. Back in the day, when I was much younger, there just wasn't the choices available like there are today. It was kind of an ordeal to find fashionable clothing that fit when I was a teenager. Don't even get me started on shopping with my mom at Proffits Department store in 1982.....

The thing that I have realized is that I was the one who heaped that shame and guilt upon myself. I, again, was adding shame and guilt to something that no one was doing to me, I was doing to myself. Ugh.

What created the shame in the first place? When you don't let people in and you look meticulous on the outside, it is hard for someone to understand the depth of shame a person holds within them. I take responsibility for allowing shame to grow and build in my life, but it didn't just "pop" in my head to feel shame.

It was carefully taught.

The adults in my life when I was an adolescent were key in also contributing to the belief in myself that I was less than. There is really too much to write. I was also bullied by my peers because of my weight (they didn't call it bullying back in the day....). Even family. Loved ones with good intentions spread shame. I took it in, I allowed it to shape me. I believed it.

I have rehashed this junk with people over and over again. It doesn't accomplish anything. It's done. Over. What I allowed it to do to me, however, wasn't. What I have also learned in therapy this past year and a half is that anger turned inward turns into shame. Ding! Ding! Ding! Talk about eye opening.

Anger with no place to go but in, equals shame, guilt and self-hate.

 I certainly heard many other positive things about myself from my peers and the adults in my life. There were many positive experiences in my adolescence, to only focus on this junk would be unfair.

I guess my pain didn't have anywhere to go or I didn't have the tools to get it out so it went inside and my shame ended up being seen on the outside. And it's been haunting me for 30 years.

Even though I know and feel responsible for my eating habits since the time I became an adult, for years I turned what happened in my adolescence and allowed it to shape what I believed about myself.   My 30's came the first true spiritual freedom, first experience of the freedom from food, lots of healing....just no way to make it last. The cycle would win again. Heaping more guilt, shame and self-hate. Confirming all those negative beliefs I had about myself. Yes, you are a fat slob who will NEVER change. No one will EVER love you.

So, even though the 22/24 still haunts me, I've gotten so much more comfortable in my skin the past year and a half. I have learned that all the messages that pop into my head are not ones I need to be meditating on. I have learned to accept myself (for the most part) as I am right now without self-hate and shame. I am surrounded by people who love me and accept me. When I expose myself on this blog, I get acceptance. And part of why this journey is continuing, is able to exist, is the people around me. Encouraging me. Loving me. Helping me. Accepting me.

I guess it's kind of like hearing truth instead of lies. When you hear truth there is no shame, there is no fear. There is love. Acceptance. A kind of nodding your head in agreement moment with people, rather than ringing of the false, conditional statements from the past in my ear one. last. time.

I might even be close to saying this:

The past is past. Thank God.

The present is pretty awesome.

I think it's time I accept the 22/24's of my life and live in the current moment in all this love I am surrounded with. It's time to accept not push away. It's truly the only way to make permanent, lasting change begin.

Next post I will discuss the biggest factor in helping me love and accept myself.... stay tuned!

A Christmas Tribute to Sadie

It's Christmas Eve and I have a couple of very excited kids! They even got to eat cookies for breakfast (I am sure I will regret that choice later). I have not wrapped ONE present. Not one, I know. It will make for a fun evening later. Thankfully, the gifts Santa leaves for the kids are not wrapped. Because why would Santa wrap presents. LOL.

This is a very bittersweet  this year. The Small Town Shootings. Some dear friends just lost their little girl to a 40 day battle with  leukemia. Her funeral will be a couple of days after Christmas. I cannot even imagine what they are feeling and going through and I won't even try, because there is no feeling I have felt that compares with the loss of a living, breathing child that had her whole life ahead of her. A 17 month old, blue-eyed, blond fiesty baby girl. Sadiebug.



I never had the opportunty to meet Sadie. Our families moved in different directions and different churches and to be honest, I am not particularly close to Amber or Tim. I've known Tim for 12 years and we used to be leaders in the singles department at church years ago. But, the last few we have kept up on facebook, like so many people do these days. So even though I never got to meet Sadie, I saw pictures of Amber being pregnant and complaining about the heat (second pregnancies are NOT fun anyway, but giving birth in July must be torture). Sadie was born and Amber is an awesome photographer and had so many great pictures of Eli, Sadie's big brother, and of course, of Sadie. Most of the time in an owl hat or big bow.

She was precious.

This is the verse Tim and Amber had dedicated to Sadie in her fight with Leukemia.

My prayer for Tim and Amber is that they still have HOPE. And I believe they do. In the midst of the worst we still have hope if we have faith. And Tim and Amber have faith. And I don't know why this has happened to them, but I know Sadie has touched so many lives through this event and for whatever reason, Sadie was meant to be here and touch those lives and she will touch more lives in her passing. And in that there is comfort and hope and peace. And knowing they will be reunited again. And comfort in knowing that Sadie is whole and healthy and enjoying heaven. Oh, beautiful girl. We know where you are and as painful as it is that you had to go through so much, the reassurance that you will not experience any more pain is comforting. 

I don't have any words of wisdom for Tim and Amber, and truly, it is not my place to give words of wisdom. What could I say that would truly be of comfort to them? Just a little advice if you have a situation where you have a grieving mother or father ( or anyone else for that matter) you don't have to say anything. You don't have to come up with even a bible verse. And please don't say "it was God's will" or "she's better off". Acknowledge that this is a horrible situation and that you are thinking, praying, crying with them in love. That's all any grieving person needs. They don't need words right now.

Tim and Amber have showed a strong faith throughout. But even with a strong faith, this has to be the most difficult thing they have gone through and in the weeks and months to follow I am sure they will feel many, many feelings. Some of them may not be so nice. Some of them may be anger. They need to know it's ok. And even if they feel mad at God at some point, it's okay. We have a God that is big enough to handle it. It's just part of the process of grief....feelings.

Thursday is Sadie's celebration of life. Her funeral. I will be there. I am sure I will see a lot of people I know and love. And I wish we were meeting and spending time together under different circumstances.

I am going to soak up every moment of this Christmas Eve with my healthy children. Tim and Amber and the Davis family reminds me yet again that life is a gift, as are children. My children are gifts. My husband is a gift. My prayer is that I don't hold onto them too tightly, because they aren't mine. God chose to bless me and give them to me as gifts. Life is short. Life is hard. But it is also very, very good. And everyday I make the choice to hold onto my kids or give them back to the Lord. Some days I don't do too well but it always goes better when I remember they aren't mine. they are gifts.

This year I am not only reflecting on Christ's birth and the wonderful gift that He was, but also the wonderful gift of children. And I am going to hold them tight.

If the Davis family comes to your mind during the next few days and even weeks, please keep them in your prayers. And remember to keep giving your gifts away, every day.