The Summer of my Discontent

This has been a really hard summer for me. . I have been struggling with some deep life issues and questions. I have not been questioning my faith or my belief system (been there, done that, settled it) but just the more gray areas in life. Plus, the culture of Christianity can really get on my nerves, even though I am guilty of using all the cliches and pat answers myself. So, I am calling the kettle black, don't get me wrong.

Also, Summer with my kids just about does me in. I wish I could say that I love all my time with my babies, and in reality, I do. It's just both of them together can drive me crazy!


But struggling with deeper issues, struggling with a kid with a new ADHD diagnosis, struggling with my weight and (honestly) my self-esteem which seems to be connected to my weight, ...well, my summer has been a struggle. Mentally and emotionally. And physically.

I finally got over myself. LOL.Yes, this has been a difficult summer. We are still reeling from a diagnosis of our oldest son with ADHD. Dealing with medications, structure, meltdowns and behaviors. Working, albeit partime, in a very mentally draining job, juggling home life, work life and church life along with family life....my parents are getting older and going through their own sets of life issues. It can all be overwhelming.

And the thing that I do best is attack myself. I get unhappy and focus on things in a negative way. Somehow this temporarily and dyfunctinally takes the attention off all the other things going on. It doesn't solve anything. I start tearing myself down. I allow Satan to tell me lies. I get very discontent. Crazy, huh?

Yep. I realized a lot of things recently. And I am still working on them. I don't have to get into all that on here. But the long and short of it is, I am enough. I am beautiful, just the way I am. I want to be healthy, not thin. I want to take care of myself the best way that I can....emotionally, physically and mentally. And some things have to change.

More importantly, God has got this. Dealing with my stress in this dysfunctional way never works. Ha! Newsflash. You would think I would figure that out by now. But, he's got the ADHD (well, not literally :) ), he's got the struggle. He's got our finances. He's got it. He's got everything. It's time I give it over to him so He can really take care of it instead of just wallowing in my own misery.

I have kind of been in an abyss lately. I am sure you know what I am talking about. You are functioning but not really. You make it through the day, but wonder what it was all about. Some people call this depression. I just call it being overwhelmed and having to walk through a difficult time. It's not pretty. It's not usually what people want to hear about. They want to hear that you are fine. But it is what is. And I have been in this abyss.

But, it's time to come out of the abyss. It's time to love myself the way the Lord loves me and love my body the way my husband loves my body (which I really just don't get). Obviously, these two beings, one holy, omnipotent and has been around when there was nothing around and the other, a fallible, lowly human who love ME see something that  I don't.

It's time to release the anxiety, the fear, the depression, the doubts, everything. We are going to have challenges in this life. Thank GOD, HE has overcome them. Already. Done. (John 16:33).

And the truth is, change isn't going to happen for me until I just accept who I am, where I am in this moment and love on myself a little bit instead of staring at how big my butt looks in the mirror. Ugh.

The same is true for raising children, dealing with the economy, life issues, extended family issues...I mean, really. I could go on and on. Then I would find myself in the abyss again...so.

Today. I am choosing to do this.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Phil 4:8.

It doesn't really change this life or what is going on in this life, the ups and downs. It just makes them bearable and breathable. NO abyss. Just smooth sailing. Because even in the ups and downs, the storms and the struggles, God's love, consistency and truth does not change.

And that, well, that is the meaning of contentment.

Treasure your Family

Today was, thankfully, a non-schedule Saturday. Meaning, we really didn't have to do anything, schedule wise, if we didn't want to. Last weekend was CRAZY so I was looking forward to a nice, quiet weekend.

Of course, with a preschooler and a one year old, it is never quiet. Griffin woke us up at 3:30 this morning. This rarely happens so I am not even going to complain. I have friends that still have issues getting their little ones to sleep through the night so, no complaints here. And, Griffin had a good reason to wake up, his foot had gotten caught in the slats of the crib.

Then about 6:30, like clockwork, Carter comes in our room and wakes us up. Greg tended to him and fell back in bed. Then Griffin woke up for good at 7:15. Then we were all up.

I knew my dad was on his way here to trade cars with us since we are going out of town next weekend and needed a bigger vehicle, which is his mini-van. So, before 8:00 AM...yes, people, BEFORE 8 and BEFORE I even finished my first cup of coffee I was OUTSIDE with both boys cleaning up my nasty car. I was too ashamed for my dad to see it in it's current condition.

The boys had a ball outside and I have to really say I enjoyed working outside, even if it was already getting hot. We stayed out there a little over an hour, then once Griffin was down for his nap, we went right back at it. It was invigorating work (because, like I said, my car was a mess!!) and I told Greg afterwards that I really liked working out there with him on that task. Oh, and that we really shouldn't wait four years between inside cleanings, LOL!!!

Then my dad got here and we had a good little visit with lunch and he was on his way.

I like days like this when it is all about family. The privilege of having a daddy to visit with. Not everyone has that privilege and I know some who would love to be spending time with their dad. The privilege of being a mom and a wife. Working together on a task. Some women I know are single moms who do everything on their own. I am very thankful to have a loving husband who helps around the house, who is really a team player. Not all women are that lucky, I know. Treasuring the small moments and attempting to make memories out of what is being said and acted out by my four year old, knowing that all too soon, he is going to be grown up. Looking at Griffin who is doing so many firsts right now, knowing that I am going to blink an eye and he is going to be Carter's age.

Greg and I have really been discussing lately what is important. Do we want to "do" a lot, or do we want to make what we "do" meaningful. I would rather be meaningful. I don't want to be in a hustle and bustle of activity just because that is what the neighbors are doing. My boys are never going to be in more than one activity at a time, I don't want to be pulled in 10 different directions just because that is the expected norm. I don't care if my boys play sports in school. I want them to be good at the one thing that they love to do. Of course I want them well rounded but being busy doesn't make a kid well rounded, it just makes him tired.

I certainly don't have all the answers. I just want to treasure my family. I want to learn to be patient with my boys. I want to teach and train them and show them love. I would love to be perfect at mothering, but I am far from it. So, I apologize to them when I mess up and they forgive me...instantly.

Most of all, I lean on my heavenly father to lead, guide and direct, because no matter how much I may mess up, his grace is sufficient in time of need. And I am so very thankful.

Go hug your family today, whatever that family looks like. Your core group. Call your sister. Hug your kids. Treasure the day, don't just blindly go through one activity to another. Say "enough" when you need to. Breathe.

Treasure your family.