Happy New Year!!!
We have had a completely relaxed Christmas and New Years season. At times I was bored, at times I was really rested, but most of the time I just enjoyed the time. The time with my kids (although we have had our moments). My husband took an entire week off of work during this time and it was awesome!!! He works from home, so he is usually here, but he is very disciplined and stays upstairs in his office during the work day. It was nice not seeing him go up the stairs every day.
We didn't hang with a lot of family or friends. We had a very quiet, relaxing season. I obviously needed the rest. And even though I am ready to get back to my routine and have the boys back in school, I have to say I am loving the ages of my boys right now because they are independent, but still need me, sort of. Ha! But all in all, they can occupy themselves, or we can all just hang in the living room. We can play games (successfully, if you know what I mean. We actually can complete a game to the finish). We have sung karaoke, the boys have played on their new toy, the Xbox. I have tried to read ( I have so many books, I'm overwhelmed with where to begin), we have watched movies, laughed, cried, ate and slept. Its been good.
As much as I am looking forward getting back into our routine, I am not looking forward to the 6-6;30 AM wake up call on Monday. Nope. That's going to be brutal.
But at least I have caught up on some rest, spent some time with my hubby and kids, reflected on the past year, looking forward to all the positive changes coming in 2015 for myself, and my family. This weekend we are getting together with close friends and it will be nice to entertain. I didn't get everything done I had imagined I would these past two weeks. I did continue to work out (yay me!). I haven't gained any weight over the holidays (yay me!) And even though making permanent life changes can be challenging, sometimes you just have to count your small successes and focus on the positive instead of looking at the big picture.
When I try and look at the big picture instead of living day by day, I get overwhelmed, sad and depressed. And a few days ago I was there, for about 24 hours. I am thankful for forgiveness, for small steps forward, for do-overs and grace.
Here is to 2015! May it be everything you want it to be and more.
What are some of your goals for 2015? I don't do resolutions, but I have goals and as a family we have goals. I'll share some of mine if you share yours!!!
Happy New Year and God bless!!!!
22/24
I have found some very encouraging, uplifting, healing blogs that have kind of helped push me forward in opening about my recovery from addiction with food. Disordered eating, whatever you want to call it. These blogs or Facebook pages encouraged me to look at myself as OK just the way that I am.
The one that has currently had the most positive impact you can find HERE!
From these social media outlets, I even started following some plus size fashion pages. Recently, I've started wearing different clothes. I found that even though I was heavier than I was two years ago, I wasn't nearly as self-conscious in my clothes as I used to be. Whereas before, I had to make sure that the outfit I was wearing was flattering and I had to make sure there weren't any bulges sticking out. (there are ALWAYS bulges, c'mon!) But if I believed they weren't there, they weren't there. Ha!
That's why in the past when I lost a significant amount of weight, even though I was still large, I felt like I looked acceptable on the outside, looked good in my clothes, and therefore, I was "happy". Inside I was still a hot mess.
I have always been meticulous about the way that I look and wanting to look my best on the outside. I grew up with a family that looked meticulous at all times. It didn't matter what was going on inside the house, when the Douberly's stepped out, well, we looked like we had it together. So, even though I don't care about looking perfect now, I have used looking good on the outside as kind of my mask for a long time.
Whenever I have lost weight in the past and gotten semi-close to regular-sized clothing, it never failed I would head over to Lane Bryant thinking how happy I would be that I would be rid of this store once and for all. Part of my shame in being fat is having to shop in specialty stores.
Of course, eventually I would regain the weight back and there I would be.....back at LB shopping for my 22/24. *sigh*
There is nothing wrong with having to shop specialty stores. Back in the day, when I was much younger, there just wasn't the choices available like there are today. It was kind of an ordeal to find fashionable clothing that fit when I was a teenager. Don't even get me started on shopping with my mom at Proffits Department store in 1982.....
The thing that I have realized is that I was the one who heaped that shame and guilt upon myself. I, again, was adding shame and guilt to something that no one was doing to me, I was doing to myself. Ugh.
What created the shame in the first place? When you don't let people in and you look meticulous on the outside, it is hard for someone to understand the depth of shame a person holds within them. I take responsibility for allowing shame to grow and build in my life, but it didn't just "pop" in my head to feel shame.
It was carefully taught.
The adults in my life when I was an adolescent were key in also contributing to the belief in myself that I was less than. There is really too much to write. I was also bullied by my peers because of my weight (they didn't call it bullying back in the day....). Even family. Loved ones with good intentions spread shame. I took it in, I allowed it to shape me. I believed it.
I have rehashed this junk with people over and over again. It doesn't accomplish anything. It's done. Over. What I allowed it to do to me, however, wasn't. What I have also learned in therapy this past year and a half is that anger turned inward turns into shame. Ding! Ding! Ding! Talk about eye opening.
Anger with no place to go but in, equals shame, guilt and self-hate.
I certainly heard many other positive things about myself from my peers and the adults in my life. There were many positive experiences in my adolescence, to only focus on this junk would be unfair.
I guess my pain didn't have anywhere to go or I didn't have the tools to get it out so it went inside and my shame ended up being seen on the outside. And it's been haunting me for 30 years.
Even though I know and feel responsible for my eating habits since the time I became an adult, for years I turned what happened in my adolescence and allowed it to shape what I believed about myself. My 30's came the first true spiritual freedom, first experience of the freedom from food, lots of healing....just no way to make it last. The cycle would win again. Heaping more guilt, shame and self-hate. Confirming all those negative beliefs I had about myself. Yes, you are a fat slob who will NEVER change. No one will EVER love you.
So, even though the 22/24 still haunts me, I've gotten so much more comfortable in my skin the past year and a half. I have learned that all the messages that pop into my head are not ones I need to be meditating on. I have learned to accept myself (for the most part) as I am right now without self-hate and shame. I am surrounded by people who love me and accept me. When I expose myself on this blog, I get acceptance. And part of why this journey is continuing, is able to exist, is the people around me. Encouraging me. Loving me. Helping me. Accepting me.
I guess it's kind of like hearing truth instead of lies. When you hear truth there is no shame, there is no fear. There is love. Acceptance. A kind of nodding your head in agreement moment with people, rather than ringing of the false, conditional statements from the past in my ear one. last. time.
The past is past. Thank God.
The present is pretty awesome.
I think it's time I accept the 22/24's of my life and live in the current moment in all this love I am surrounded with. It's time to accept not push away. It's truly the only way to make permanent, lasting change begin.
Next post I will discuss the biggest factor in helping me love and accept myself.... stay tuned!
The one that has currently had the most positive impact you can find HERE!
From these social media outlets, I even started following some plus size fashion pages. Recently, I've started wearing different clothes. I found that even though I was heavier than I was two years ago, I wasn't nearly as self-conscious in my clothes as I used to be. Whereas before, I had to make sure that the outfit I was wearing was flattering and I had to make sure there weren't any bulges sticking out. (there are ALWAYS bulges, c'mon!) But if I believed they weren't there, they weren't there. Ha!
That's why in the past when I lost a significant amount of weight, even though I was still large, I felt like I looked acceptable on the outside, looked good in my clothes, and therefore, I was "happy". Inside I was still a hot mess.
I have always been meticulous about the way that I look and wanting to look my best on the outside. I grew up with a family that looked meticulous at all times. It didn't matter what was going on inside the house, when the Douberly's stepped out, well, we looked like we had it together. So, even though I don't care about looking perfect now, I have used looking good on the outside as kind of my mask for a long time.
Whenever I have lost weight in the past and gotten semi-close to regular-sized clothing, it never failed I would head over to Lane Bryant thinking how happy I would be that I would be rid of this store once and for all. Part of my shame in being fat is having to shop in specialty stores.
Of course, eventually I would regain the weight back and there I would be.....back at LB shopping for my 22/24. *sigh*
There is nothing wrong with having to shop specialty stores. Back in the day, when I was much younger, there just wasn't the choices available like there are today. It was kind of an ordeal to find fashionable clothing that fit when I was a teenager. Don't even get me started on shopping with my mom at Proffits Department store in 1982.....
The thing that I have realized is that I was the one who heaped that shame and guilt upon myself. I, again, was adding shame and guilt to something that no one was doing to me, I was doing to myself. Ugh.
What created the shame in the first place? When you don't let people in and you look meticulous on the outside, it is hard for someone to understand the depth of shame a person holds within them. I take responsibility for allowing shame to grow and build in my life, but it didn't just "pop" in my head to feel shame.
It was carefully taught.
The adults in my life when I was an adolescent were key in also contributing to the belief in myself that I was less than. There is really too much to write. I was also bullied by my peers because of my weight (they didn't call it bullying back in the day....). Even family. Loved ones with good intentions spread shame. I took it in, I allowed it to shape me. I believed it.
I have rehashed this junk with people over and over again. It doesn't accomplish anything. It's done. Over. What I allowed it to do to me, however, wasn't. What I have also learned in therapy this past year and a half is that anger turned inward turns into shame. Ding! Ding! Ding! Talk about eye opening.
Anger with no place to go but in, equals shame, guilt and self-hate.
I certainly heard many other positive things about myself from my peers and the adults in my life. There were many positive experiences in my adolescence, to only focus on this junk would be unfair.
I guess my pain didn't have anywhere to go or I didn't have the tools to get it out so it went inside and my shame ended up being seen on the outside. And it's been haunting me for 30 years.
Even though I know and feel responsible for my eating habits since the time I became an adult, for years I turned what happened in my adolescence and allowed it to shape what I believed about myself. My 30's came the first true spiritual freedom, first experience of the freedom from food, lots of healing....just no way to make it last. The cycle would win again. Heaping more guilt, shame and self-hate. Confirming all those negative beliefs I had about myself. Yes, you are a fat slob who will NEVER change. No one will EVER love you.
So, even though the 22/24 still haunts me, I've gotten so much more comfortable in my skin the past year and a half. I have learned that all the messages that pop into my head are not ones I need to be meditating on. I have learned to accept myself (for the most part) as I am right now without self-hate and shame. I am surrounded by people who love me and accept me. When I expose myself on this blog, I get acceptance. And part of why this journey is continuing, is able to exist, is the people around me. Encouraging me. Loving me. Helping me. Accepting me.
I guess it's kind of like hearing truth instead of lies. When you hear truth there is no shame, there is no fear. There is love. Acceptance. A kind of nodding your head in agreement moment with people, rather than ringing of the false, conditional statements from the past in my ear one. last. time.
I might even be close to saying this:
The past is past. Thank God.
The present is pretty awesome.
I think it's time I accept the 22/24's of my life and live in the current moment in all this love I am surrounded with. It's time to accept not push away. It's truly the only way to make permanent, lasting change begin.
Next post I will discuss the biggest factor in helping me love and accept myself.... stay tuned!
Freedom, Slavery and Insults.
Since sharing my goals and wishes last post it has been a bumpy road, when things are going on emotionally, it's harder to keep that 'one day at a time" focus. Especially last week. I enjoyed cake and other treats, and I tried to stay neutral about it, but there were too many things going on in my head.
I'm not surprised that it's been tough. I'm not surprised by the mental attacks in my head regarding myself, my body and what I eat. It just gets exhausting. And I don't think most people who don't have "ED" (eating disorder) or what I like to call disordered eating.... really get this part. It's hard to get in an addicts brain and understand what they allow in and don't allow in.
For me, and I can only speak for me, when you have lived in shame most of your life, it's just like a really bad habit. And if you have been in this habit for so many years it's difficult to just "snap out of it". I really wish it were that easy. After my last post I felt almost invincible....I felt like I could do it. We could do this thing. I have accountability. I have support. I have truth on my side. I forgot that I still have to start every day over and live in that day. It's easy to get mentally sidetracked. Sometimes, I have help with the mental fight, other times I am mentally fighting against myself.
Then some drunk guy passing me in a truck verbally insults me while I'm in a parking lot (with my husband) after enjoying a date night out. That happened about a week ago. I haven't been verbally called out on my weight in years. It's embarrassing, horrifying and degrading.
I would like to say it didn't throw me for a loop, but it did. I would like to say it didn't hurt, but it did.
And, I would like to say the truth of God's love for me and how He views me and my mistakes wasn't shaken, but it was.
So, why does it surprise me, after years and years of not hearing any verbal insults thrown at me because of my weight I get that.
I'm not surprised it happened because I think this getting healthy process has a BIG spiritual component to it and that was just spiritual warfare. My mind was getting mentally strong, I was believing in myself, I posted the last post and felt warm support and it felt safe. If Satan can't get me to hate myself then he will use the next. best. thing. Public humiliation.
A catcall attached with an insult.
In public.
It's kind of like I get the nerve to open up my messed up stuff inside my head in order to heal and Satan hurls something else at me to stop from moving forward.
I look at myself and remember everything that I have done. The money I have spent to lose weight. I remember the weight I have lost in the past and how it has crept back on, once again. And then I look at an unflattering picture and I allow that picture to change how I view myself. It eats away at me.
That's why I'm sharing it, because it's been inside my head for days now and it has discouraged me and I allowed it to make me feel less than. I have emotionally eaten on it, definitely. The only difference is I don't shame myself now. I just try and understand the why behind it.
I'm also sharing it because I know I am not the only one with the struggle. And once I put it out there, I will be reminded that I am not alone in this struggle.
That's really how I get better. Feelings are going to happen. I'm going to feel sad, angry and upset at myself and others. I just have to figure out the why of using food to cover up those feelings. For the most part, I was just sad...for days. I felt defeated (which I did not need to). I was overcome with self-doubt and feelings of this journey being too daunting and overwhelming, I mean, how many times have I been here? Who am I to think I can do this??? Huh?
I forgot to live in the moment and take one day at a time. I allowed the negatively to take over, but only for a little while. I then process the hurt. I remember I am not alone, I never have been. And as long as I keep going, I can only move forward. It's a temporary setback. I remember all the good I have been doing, mentally and physically. And I put one foot in front of the other and keep moving on.
My mind could go either of two ways...I can believe a lie or I can believe the truth. And today I am believing truth.
"ED" wants me to believe the lies. "Satan" has a few good tricks up his sleeve. But I have the power of the universe behind me with some pretty amazing people backing me up. And if I choose to focus on that, instead of the lies, then ED doesn't win this time.
For me it's not really about counting calories, burning them off in exercise and getting fit. In the end, I may not look like a fit person to you, but if I have a fit, healthy mind, then there is a peace there that can't be understood if you have never struggled with shame. What I keep hearing is, that when I get the fit and healthy mind, the body will follow.
Then I will be able to look at myself and find love no matter what is hurled my way. To be comfortable in my current skin. To walk confidently. To not listen to drunks on the side of the road. To look at the unflattering pictures and remember how blessed I am instead of how alone and isolated I feel. To remember the family, friends, and loved ones around me that love me and support me in spite of my failures and setbacks.
Those outnumber any insult hurled. Any attempt of Satan to make me go back to where I was. It's not going to happen this time. I may take two steps forward and one step back, but as long as I keep going and learn different ways then I am a success.
This is the life of freedom.
"So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free and don't get tied up again in slavery to the law" Galatians 5:1
Getting It All Out.
My church had a women's retreat recently where the focus was on freedom. I led a breakout session at the retreat on Saturday, along with a few other women. But for the most part, Friday night and Saturday was a time of worship and a time in the word and a great time of just refreshment and healing.
My breakout session was on freedom from the bondage of food. It was quite difficult being a large person leading a session on being free from the bondage of food. It felt, well, hypocritical. But, I was loved and accepted by those present and I explained in my session where I was in my journey and it was honestly the best thing that I could have done for where I am. That's kind of what led to my last post. Even though I have dealt with what happened in my pastor's office when I was 16 years old long ago, I had never openly shared it with the world. And it needed to happen.
There is a lot of "stuff" inside of me that I have never let out. I have spent the last year and a half in the best treatment/therapy that I have ever had. As a therapist myself, I believe in therapy and there is nothing wrong with saying you need it. My weight is one area of my life that I. can't. control. Which, I have found is quite common (Look at Oprah, girl has got it together but can't stay a size 8, not that she needs to, but you see what I'm sayin'). Or we control too much (anorexia and bulimia...or more mildly with over dieting and exercising to stay a size 6). So, it goes both ways. Disordered eating doesn't really have a preference it's just when you're really, really fat or really, really skinny people can see it more. Some people are really good at hiding their disorders.
I have spent the last ten years diligently attempting to get to a healthy weight and I haven't succeeded. There. It's out there. I said it.
Most of that time I hated myself and the way I looked. If I lost weight I was "happy" and liked the way I looked, even though I never made it anywhere near a goal weight. I lost a lot of weight.....but.....I had a lot of weight to lose, so.... I would lose, gain, lose. repeat. I was depressed and got to the point of being so sad and depressed about the way that I looked that it spurred me to change. What I have learned in the past year and a half is that you can't hate your way to a positive change. Let me say that again YOU CAN'T HATE YOURSELF INTO A POSITIVE CHANGE. Yep. And I have about 30 years of hate to undo. Wow. It's my hate. I own it. I've had medical interventions in order to reach a goal weight and had initial success, great success, only to slowly re-gain. Enter more shame, guilt, self-hate and failure. *sigh*
Not only have I had to come to not hate the way I look in order to change I really had to embrace the way I look. The reason for change had to come from something besides what was on the outside. Because being a certain size on the outside isn't going to necessarily make me happy, even though that's what I've focused on for so. many. years.
It's about acceptance. Love, not hate. Being able to say I'm beautiful. You can tell me I'm beautiful 10,000 times and it doesn't matter if I don't believe it.... It's about trying to see myself like my husband sees me. Like my kids see me. Like Jesus sees me.
I'm to the point where I want to stop procrastinating and move forward with a plan. I have a birthday coming up in a couple of weeks and next year at this time I want to look different. To finally begin a journey with love and acceptance and move forward to healthy living because I just want to be healthy, move freely, have energy to keep up with my kids...all kinds of things make the list not just the fact that I could be smoking HOT as a size 8. That's really not the focus, it can't be. That's kind of like the icing on the cake. It can't be the end all, be all. I'm more than that. I'm so much more than just a pretty face. I always have been.
I want to stop procrastinating now that I have worked on a lot of this "head" stuff and while taking it one day at a time still hold myself accountable to eating clean, 80-90% of the time, eating whole foods, working my body out in a healthy way (which means I don't have to kill it, I just have to move it 3-5 times a week). All this while giving me grace when life happens. Understanding what eating in moderation means. Living with the hard feelings. The sad feelings.
So yeah, I may be a mess for a while. There's a lot of stuff in here that's not pleasant or fun and it either comes out and gets processed or I drown it with food. It's really difficult to explain in a paragraph, but if you stick with me long enough you will be able to experience the ups and downs of recovery. Because that's what it is. It's a journey. And there will be ups and downs.
Just like walking into that retreat with anxiety about sharing about being free from food's bondage and wondering if I was going to be laughed out of the room, writing this post leaves me feeling exposed and "out there". But I went ahead and did that breakout session and great things came from it. Instead of being laughed out of the room I was loved, accepted and affirmed. It was crazy. It was healing. The retreat was healing. Jesus is healing.
It's very healing sharing your scars and realizing that people aren't going to reject you but offer you support. For too long I have rejected support and built walls and kept people out. I still do. I have a long ways to go. But just writing this blog post helps. It is healing. Putting it out there.
So, I want to be free from this junk so if that means putting it out there I'm going to put it out there. I'm the only one who can choose to let it go. It just may mean seeing all kinds of parts of me you haven't seen before. Hopefully you can love me through this process.
More to come..... (eek!)
My breakout session was on freedom from the bondage of food. It was quite difficult being a large person leading a session on being free from the bondage of food. It felt, well, hypocritical. But, I was loved and accepted by those present and I explained in my session where I was in my journey and it was honestly the best thing that I could have done for where I am. That's kind of what led to my last post. Even though I have dealt with what happened in my pastor's office when I was 16 years old long ago, I had never openly shared it with the world. And it needed to happen.
There is a lot of "stuff" inside of me that I have never let out. I have spent the last year and a half in the best treatment/therapy that I have ever had. As a therapist myself, I believe in therapy and there is nothing wrong with saying you need it. My weight is one area of my life that I. can't. control. Which, I have found is quite common (Look at Oprah, girl has got it together but can't stay a size 8, not that she needs to, but you see what I'm sayin'). Or we control too much (anorexia and bulimia...or more mildly with over dieting and exercising to stay a size 6). So, it goes both ways. Disordered eating doesn't really have a preference it's just when you're really, really fat or really, really skinny people can see it more. Some people are really good at hiding their disorders.
I have spent the last ten years diligently attempting to get to a healthy weight and I haven't succeeded. There. It's out there. I said it.
Most of that time I hated myself and the way I looked. If I lost weight I was "happy" and liked the way I looked, even though I never made it anywhere near a goal weight. I lost a lot of weight.....but.....I had a lot of weight to lose, so.... I would lose, gain, lose. repeat. I was depressed and got to the point of being so sad and depressed about the way that I looked that it spurred me to change. What I have learned in the past year and a half is that you can't hate your way to a positive change. Let me say that again YOU CAN'T HATE YOURSELF INTO A POSITIVE CHANGE. Yep. And I have about 30 years of hate to undo. Wow. It's my hate. I own it. I've had medical interventions in order to reach a goal weight and had initial success, great success, only to slowly re-gain. Enter more shame, guilt, self-hate and failure. *sigh*
Not only have I had to come to not hate the way I look in order to change I really had to embrace the way I look. The reason for change had to come from something besides what was on the outside. Because being a certain size on the outside isn't going to necessarily make me happy, even though that's what I've focused on for so. many. years.
It's about acceptance. Love, not hate. Being able to say I'm beautiful. You can tell me I'm beautiful 10,000 times and it doesn't matter if I don't believe it.... It's about trying to see myself like my husband sees me. Like my kids see me. Like Jesus sees me.
I'm to the point where I want to stop procrastinating and move forward with a plan. I have a birthday coming up in a couple of weeks and next year at this time I want to look different. To finally begin a journey with love and acceptance and move forward to healthy living because I just want to be healthy, move freely, have energy to keep up with my kids...all kinds of things make the list not just the fact that I could be smoking HOT as a size 8. That's really not the focus, it can't be. That's kind of like the icing on the cake. It can't be the end all, be all. I'm more than that. I'm so much more than just a pretty face. I always have been.
I want to stop procrastinating now that I have worked on a lot of this "head" stuff and while taking it one day at a time still hold myself accountable to eating clean, 80-90% of the time, eating whole foods, working my body out in a healthy way (which means I don't have to kill it, I just have to move it 3-5 times a week). All this while giving me grace when life happens. Understanding what eating in moderation means. Living with the hard feelings. The sad feelings.
So yeah, I may be a mess for a while. There's a lot of stuff in here that's not pleasant or fun and it either comes out and gets processed or I drown it with food. It's really difficult to explain in a paragraph, but if you stick with me long enough you will be able to experience the ups and downs of recovery. Because that's what it is. It's a journey. And there will be ups and downs.
Just like walking into that retreat with anxiety about sharing about being free from food's bondage and wondering if I was going to be laughed out of the room, writing this post leaves me feeling exposed and "out there". But I went ahead and did that breakout session and great things came from it. Instead of being laughed out of the room I was loved, accepted and affirmed. It was crazy. It was healing. The retreat was healing. Jesus is healing.
It's very healing sharing your scars and realizing that people aren't going to reject you but offer you support. For too long I have rejected support and built walls and kept people out. I still do. I have a long ways to go. But just writing this blog post helps. It is healing. Putting it out there.
So, I want to be free from this junk so if that means putting it out there I'm going to put it out there. I'm the only one who can choose to let it go. It just may mean seeing all kinds of parts of me you haven't seen before. Hopefully you can love me through this process.
More to come..... (eek!)
On healing from past hurts....
So I got into a Facebook argument with a friend from high school last week. What's new, right? That's what Facebook is all about it seems these days, right? ha. No, this was pretty interesting. I didn't mean to get into a Facebook argument.
I went to school with this friend since 4th grade. We graduated from high school together. There were 12...13, maybe of us altogether in the graduating class. Independent, fundamental baptist church. My friend wrote a post about our childhood and tagged me in the post. He was remembering a lot of good people (and they were). My friend didn't know that his trip down memory lane and my subsequent negative comment (which was only party negative) would lead to the equivalence of him yelling at me in his response to me. He was basically telling me to get over it and stop raining on his memory lane parade. Or at least that's how I interpreted it. I commented back "sorry" and he said "OK". Then I decided I wasn't "sorry". I felt what I felt and I wasn't sorry. So I deleted my sorry. He deleted his 'ok' and his rant, but left my comment. We have since discussed and ad a great conversation (via Facebook messenger of course ;-) ) love my life long friends. I really do.
But at the time he didn't know the stuff that I had processed in therapy that week. In essence, in his comment he was telling me to get over it. I mean it's been 28 years. He may have just been talking about the fundamentalism and legalism we grew up in. I was talking about abuse. Not sexual abuse. I want to make that clear. But spiritual abuse. Abuse in power. I had processed some deep shameful stuff that I had never processed before just a few days before. So I'm thankful for Tim.
So, listening to my friend take a stroll down memory lane discussing other people was fine. We had some great memories with some great people. It wasn't all bad. At all. I guess the timing of his post with the timing of my processing just clashed, but it was really a good thing and quite beneficial, because it was really good for me.
No one may really understand this or me or why I feel the wayI do and that's OK. I've processed some heavy stuff the past two weeks. I have never, ever written anything down about the spiritual abuse I encountered growing up in a independent, fundamental baptist church and shared it. Ever.
Yesterday I led a breakout session at a Women's conference. I told a group of women who do not know me one aspect of spiritual abuse that occurred when I was beginning my senior year of high school and it was done by the the pastor I grew up with in childhood . It was an abuse of power on his part and it should never have happened. This abuse has a critical role in my shame with my weight. I have never shared anything like this with people who were not super close with me.
Today, what my pastor, Aarron Schwartz said, most likely in passing, hit me straight between the eyes, was that when people abuse spiritually, it is usually most likely because of a boundary break. I would agree with that. Not surprised by that. What he said next, took my breath away. Those who spiritually abuse, for the most part, are not bad people. But because of broken boundaries, they take on or don't have the necessary boundaries they need so they hurt other people because of it. Wow.
And I think that's exactly what happens in churches where there is no accountability. The Pastor takes on way too much power and before you know it, he thinks he needs to save his flock. And so he takes on too much responsibility and before you know it he is taking on the role as 'messiah' and rescuing and then there is anger, disappointment, and hurt when people don't respond the way he wants them to. And everything gets warped. It was just warped power. The end. And it hurt innocent people. And that is sad.
Anyway, this needed to be written for me. I think it is part of my continued healing. Some may not get it. That's OK. It wasn't written for you.
I have forgiven long ago. People will be held accountable for their actions. Why this has taken so long for me to let go .....SHAME. And I was the one holding onto it. That's why. And that wasn't my fault. Because I didn't put that shame there. But I am responsible for putting it to rest and walking in freedom.
Some people think I"m broken.
A prisoner of the past.
What they don''t understand is that healing takes time.
Because even though I am whole
and even though I am free,
Shame has its own calling card,
Shame has its own address and name.
Shame likes to take up residence in a broken person's soul,
And even though that person isn't broken,
Shame just doesn't seem to know.
Until The Light breaks in and The Door is opened
And memories are brought to light
And the broken is reminded
They had no part in the hurting
No, they were just an innocent one standing by
When you're sixteen or seventeen
You trust the adults in your life
And if they tell you you're pretty
Then you believe them when they tell you a lie.
You were pretty. That wasn't the lie.
It's OK to not feel fondly
Of a place that heaped shame
It's OK to mourn
And it's OK to feel sad
Maybe no one else experienced it,
But you did. That shame called your name.
But now there is freedom
And now there is light
You have told your story
And it shines in the light
Go and be free
For you have always held the key
I have no idea if this poem makes any sense but I just wrote it this afternoon. Along with this blog post. The more things I put to light the less hold they will have on the inside. And I want ALL the stuff that has been holding me on the inside to finally come out. I want to experience freedom like I have never experienced it before.
Thank you for listening.
I went to school with this friend since 4th grade. We graduated from high school together. There were 12...13, maybe of us altogether in the graduating class. Independent, fundamental baptist church. My friend wrote a post about our childhood and tagged me in the post. He was remembering a lot of good people (and they were). My friend didn't know that his trip down memory lane and my subsequent negative comment (which was only party negative) would lead to the equivalence of him yelling at me in his response to me. He was basically telling me to get over it and stop raining on his memory lane parade. Or at least that's how I interpreted it. I commented back "sorry" and he said "OK". Then I decided I wasn't "sorry". I felt what I felt and I wasn't sorry. So I deleted my sorry. He deleted his 'ok' and his rant, but left my comment. We have since discussed and ad a great conversation (via Facebook messenger of course ;-) ) love my life long friends. I really do.
But at the time he didn't know the stuff that I had processed in therapy that week. In essence, in his comment he was telling me to get over it. I mean it's been 28 years. He may have just been talking about the fundamentalism and legalism we grew up in. I was talking about abuse. Not sexual abuse. I want to make that clear. But spiritual abuse. Abuse in power. I had processed some deep shameful stuff that I had never processed before just a few days before. So I'm thankful for Tim.
So, listening to my friend take a stroll down memory lane discussing other people was fine. We had some great memories with some great people. It wasn't all bad. At all. I guess the timing of his post with the timing of my processing just clashed, but it was really a good thing and quite beneficial, because it was really good for me.
No one may really understand this or me or why I feel the wayI do and that's OK. I've processed some heavy stuff the past two weeks. I have never, ever written anything down about the spiritual abuse I encountered growing up in a independent, fundamental baptist church and shared it. Ever.
Yesterday I led a breakout session at a Women's conference. I told a group of women who do not know me one aspect of spiritual abuse that occurred when I was beginning my senior year of high school and it was done by the the pastor I grew up with in childhood . It was an abuse of power on his part and it should never have happened. This abuse has a critical role in my shame with my weight. I have never shared anything like this with people who were not super close with me.
Today, what my pastor, Aarron Schwartz said, most likely in passing, hit me straight between the eyes, was that when people abuse spiritually, it is usually most likely because of a boundary break. I would agree with that. Not surprised by that. What he said next, took my breath away. Those who spiritually abuse, for the most part, are not bad people. But because of broken boundaries, they take on or don't have the necessary boundaries they need so they hurt other people because of it. Wow.
And I think that's exactly what happens in churches where there is no accountability. The Pastor takes on way too much power and before you know it, he thinks he needs to save his flock. And so he takes on too much responsibility and before you know it he is taking on the role as 'messiah' and rescuing and then there is anger, disappointment, and hurt when people don't respond the way he wants them to. And everything gets warped. It was just warped power. The end. And it hurt innocent people. And that is sad.
Anyway, this needed to be written for me. I think it is part of my continued healing. Some may not get it. That's OK. It wasn't written for you.
I have forgiven long ago. People will be held accountable for their actions. Why this has taken so long for me to let go .....SHAME. And I was the one holding onto it. That's why. And that wasn't my fault. Because I didn't put that shame there. But I am responsible for putting it to rest and walking in freedom.
Some people think I"m broken.
A prisoner of the past.
What they don''t understand is that healing takes time.
Because even though I am whole
and even though I am free,
Shame has its own calling card,
Shame has its own address and name.
Shame likes to take up residence in a broken person's soul,
And even though that person isn't broken,
Shame just doesn't seem to know.
Until The Light breaks in and The Door is opened
And memories are brought to light
And the broken is reminded
They had no part in the hurting
No, they were just an innocent one standing by
When you're sixteen or seventeen
You trust the adults in your life
And if they tell you you're pretty
Then you believe them when they tell you a lie.
You were pretty. That wasn't the lie.
It's OK to not feel fondly
Of a place that heaped shame
It's OK to mourn
And it's OK to feel sad
Maybe no one else experienced it,
But you did. That shame called your name.
But now there is freedom
And now there is light
You have told your story
And it shines in the light
Go and be free
For you have always held the key
I have no idea if this poem makes any sense but I just wrote it this afternoon. Along with this blog post. The more things I put to light the less hold they will have on the inside. And I want ALL the stuff that has been holding me on the inside to finally come out. I want to experience freedom like I have never experienced it before.
Thank you for listening.
Hi friends
I'm in the middle of a summer sabbatical right now with the blog. Thinking things over. Trying to figure out who Reflections of a Mom is these days. Good things to come. And you will be the first to hear about it!
Great, Positive ADHD Article!
oh my goodness! I love everything about this article. As many of you know I have an 8 year old with ADHD. I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult....it was truly eye opening. My 8 year old already has questions about why he has to take medicine. How awesome this professional explains ADHD symptoms to families. Coming from a strengths perspective myself from my social work training, I just simply. love. this.
Click HERE to read how you can explain ADHD to your child from a strengths perspective!
Happy Monday!
Click HERE to read how you can explain ADHD to your child from a strengths perspective!
Happy Monday!
Let It Go (the non-Disney version)
On the way to church last Sunday I couldn't help but anticipate the anxiety that would soon be brewing once we parked the car and went into the theatre (where the church meets). A lot of my anxiety was based on expectations. Expectations that I knew weren't going to be met. It had nothing to do with the church. It simply had to do with knowing my two boys were about to be unleashed.
Having a son with ADHD and then having a younger son that does everything his big brother does well, you see where this is going. Impulsiveness begets impulsiveness. It makes life interesting. And it really puts a wrench when we go to places and do things that are unstructured and can be overstimulating, like church. Now imagine church in a movie theatre. Yeah. So every week it feels like I am fighting a battle. Every week we have to go over the same rules. I have to be "on top" of the impulsivity. It can really be exhausting.
My expectations have to do with control. I want to control my children. I want them to listen. I want them to keep their hands to themselves. My brain knows why Carter has the need to touch everything, but the mom in me just wants him to stop. I want them to do what I say. I want them to act a certain way in public. I want people to think that I am a great mom. This is a common issue that I have to deal with quite frequently. And it's mine. I own it. Basically, I am giving myself anxiety. Over things I can't control. I long for my oldest to be still. For him to walk with us and not run impulsively away from us. To ask before he does something, to sit at the dinner table and stay there. To understand consequences and to understand that just saying your sorry doesn't instantly make everything right, it's not a pat answer that fixes all the messes. I want him to walk in a straight line without hopping, skipping or jumping all the time. I mean, he's 8. Why can't he do that? Why can't I make him do that? How do I help him learn to control himself. I mean, it's a life skill, right? I am a therapist. I teach kids and families about feelings, behaviors, impulse control yet I am challenged by these behaviors every day. Does anything I try and teach him stick?
God pretty much teaches me every week that I just need to let go. And last Sunday he was teaching me to let go of straight lines, perfect walks, the messes, the broken toys, mannerly communication with others in public, and the hope of asking before doing (ha). To just let go of my expectations.
And with that, the anxiety left. It wasn't long, though, before I picked it back up again when Carter wouldn't listen to my request to stay by my side and when I pulled him away from the water fountain to "consequence" him. To prove my point. To show the others around me that, I am trying. I am trying to control the behavior. I could see the anger in his eyes. He just wants to do what he wants to do. I have to teach him that there are limits. There's nothing wrong with that....it's just that my expectations are usually centered around what other people think, and that is not Carter's responsibility. So why am I punishing him for something that I created? I just wanted him to be still and stay by my side. But, we are in a movie theatre. Big open spaces, lots of hallways to run through. buttons to push on doors to make them open. I mean, for an 8 year old, ADHD boy this place is heaven. Add a four year old into that mix and I. get. overwhelmed.
He's not going to stand still. He can learn the rules....no running, but right now, he's going to dart ahead. Jump to the water fountains and well, that's ok. Because sometimes I just need to pick our relationship over my expectations that he's never, ever going to meet. And how frustrating for an 8 year old little boy to have to suffer through, whether he has ADHD or not.
The more I try to make Carter conform at age 8 the more he resents me. I'm not talking about discipline matters. We discipline, we have structure, rules and rewards. But staying on him for things that are just expectations of good behavior, those are the things that rob the joy out of our relationship. Do I really need to stay on top of him for every little thing? No. Just let it go.
It's a fine balance. And I have sucked at it lately and I can tell from our relationship it is affecting him. It's time to pick battles. Let things go. We both need our emotional love tank re-filled and I see glimpses of that happening. We had a great weekend in Chattanooga over spring break and I really tried to just enjoy my boy. Tell him how much I love him. Praise him. Point out what he is doing good. Tickle him. Ruffle his hair. Stroke his cheek and tell him that I am so glad that he is mine.
Enjoy the good times. Stay in the moment. Take is one day at a time. Breathe. That's all I can do and am trying to do.
Having a son with ADHD and then having a younger son that does everything his big brother does well, you see where this is going. Impulsiveness begets impulsiveness. It makes life interesting. And it really puts a wrench when we go to places and do things that are unstructured and can be overstimulating, like church. Now imagine church in a movie theatre. Yeah. So every week it feels like I am fighting a battle. Every week we have to go over the same rules. I have to be "on top" of the impulsivity. It can really be exhausting.
My expectations have to do with control. I want to control my children. I want them to listen. I want them to keep their hands to themselves. My brain knows why Carter has the need to touch everything, but the mom in me just wants him to stop. I want them to do what I say. I want them to act a certain way in public. I want people to think that I am a great mom. This is a common issue that I have to deal with quite frequently. And it's mine. I own it. Basically, I am giving myself anxiety. Over things I can't control. I long for my oldest to be still. For him to walk with us and not run impulsively away from us. To ask before he does something, to sit at the dinner table and stay there. To understand consequences and to understand that just saying your sorry doesn't instantly make everything right, it's not a pat answer that fixes all the messes. I want him to walk in a straight line without hopping, skipping or jumping all the time. I mean, he's 8. Why can't he do that? Why can't I make him do that? How do I help him learn to control himself. I mean, it's a life skill, right? I am a therapist. I teach kids and families about feelings, behaviors, impulse control yet I am challenged by these behaviors every day. Does anything I try and teach him stick?
God pretty much teaches me every week that I just need to let go. And last Sunday he was teaching me to let go of straight lines, perfect walks, the messes, the broken toys, mannerly communication with others in public, and the hope of asking before doing (ha). To just let go of my expectations.
And with that, the anxiety left. It wasn't long, though, before I picked it back up again when Carter wouldn't listen to my request to stay by my side and when I pulled him away from the water fountain to "consequence" him. To prove my point. To show the others around me that, I am trying. I am trying to control the behavior. I could see the anger in his eyes. He just wants to do what he wants to do. I have to teach him that there are limits. There's nothing wrong with that....it's just that my expectations are usually centered around what other people think, and that is not Carter's responsibility. So why am I punishing him for something that I created? I just wanted him to be still and stay by my side. But, we are in a movie theatre. Big open spaces, lots of hallways to run through. buttons to push on doors to make them open. I mean, for an 8 year old, ADHD boy this place is heaven. Add a four year old into that mix and I. get. overwhelmed.
He's not going to stand still. He can learn the rules....no running, but right now, he's going to dart ahead. Jump to the water fountains and well, that's ok. Because sometimes I just need to pick our relationship over my expectations that he's never, ever going to meet. And how frustrating for an 8 year old little boy to have to suffer through, whether he has ADHD or not.
The more I try to make Carter conform at age 8 the more he resents me. I'm not talking about discipline matters. We discipline, we have structure, rules and rewards. But staying on him for things that are just expectations of good behavior, those are the things that rob the joy out of our relationship. Do I really need to stay on top of him for every little thing? No. Just let it go.
It's a fine balance. And I have sucked at it lately and I can tell from our relationship it is affecting him. It's time to pick battles. Let things go. We both need our emotional love tank re-filled and I see glimpses of that happening. We had a great weekend in Chattanooga over spring break and I really tried to just enjoy my boy. Tell him how much I love him. Praise him. Point out what he is doing good. Tickle him. Ruffle his hair. Stroke his cheek and tell him that I am so glad that he is mine.
Enjoy the good times. Stay in the moment. Take is one day at a time. Breathe. That's all I can do and am trying to do.
The Sound of Silence...
My husband and I enjoyed sleeping in until 8 am this morning. My cell phone alarm going off is what woke us up...thank goodness!!!
It was ENTIRELY too quiet in the house. I knew Carter was awake because he had come into our room before 7 then left. I figured Griffin was still sleeping.
I get up just in time to see Carter darting for the garage door and I quickly ask if G is still asleep. Nope, he's awake.
Carter runs ahead and I hear he and G discussing the dog. I tell C to get inside and I call G. No response. After about the third call, I'm freaking out ( and a little angry). I move to look into the back yard and see this blurry image of Temple Run jammies running toward the garage.
They had let the dog out and wanted her to come in, the dog wanted to run in the woods and play.
I wanted to kill them for 1) being outside with no one knowing. 2) for being outside in their jammies. 3) for embarrassing the heck out if this momma (what if someone sees them out in their jammies unsupervised!!!).
Thankfully, this had *just* happened. They had just wanted the dog to come in. I caught them in the nick of time. They will be *strongly* reminded that letting the dog out to pee is awesome and shows us great responsibility. Crawling underneath the garage door to chase the dog isssss NOT ok. There will be a discussion about household rules later today ( this was already in the works).
Every time Greg and I get to sleep in on the weekends we end up saying that we are paid back times 2 because the kids decided to do something, um, questionable.
It was a really good sleep, tho....
Underachiever moms, unite!!!!
Do you let your kids go a week without a bath?
Do you completely forget about costumes, cupcakes and school projects until the day before ( or of-- yikes!!)
Store bought valentines box AND Valentines??
Do you wait and see what everyone else is bringing to the class party so that everything is either taken or you just have to grab some leftover plates and napkins from the last party?
Not change your kids underwear every day?
Have they been wearing those same pair of jeans for yet another day because the laundry just hasn't seem to do itself?
Kids teeth go unbrushed for a couple of days?
Throw away yet another cookie sale form?
Forget a deadline?
Then this post is for you. You rock! It's okay. Kids aren't going to remember this stuff. You haven't let them down. You love them, spend time with them. Kisses and snuggles will win out on the best costume every time.
So, lay the guilt aside. Go have fun with your kids. Go buy the store bought cupcakes. Recycle the costumes, store bought, nonetheless.
I have come to terms with the fact that there will always be those mon's out there that "do" more than I do. More creative. More homemade. More cookie sales, and yes, I'm bitter. But I have to remind myself It. Just. Doesn't. Matter.
And if you are "that" mom that does all the above, kudos to you. I'm really trying not to be jealous and post passive-aggressive comments under your pictures. Forgive me. Just show me love and grace for I am just jealous of your awesomeness. Seriously, you rock too.
Because it is what it is. And nobody is better than the other.
In the end, we love our kids the same, we just show it in our own unique way. And that's ok.
So, I will not think about the fact that I sent my kid to school with only his Dr. Suess hat ( that he wore Wednesday) to finish up Dr. Suess week. Yeah. I still rock. And you do too!
Valentine's Candy and Grief...
So I indulged in a little Valentines candy today, pre-valentines day. Stopped at Walgreen's to pick up some things and bought some little 2 for $1.00 Russell Stover valentine's candy. For some reason, Valentines candy does not make me think of romantic love. I've never asked for Valentines candy as a present, probably because I am always watching my weight. It doesn't mean, however, that I have not eaten my fair share.
Today, I specifically thought about an early February nine years ago. I was pregnant with our first child. I honestly didn't think that I could get pregnant, even though I had no reason to think that other than I was older and overweight. I went from utter shock in learning that we were pregnant to being overjoyed...and a little queasy.
Anyway, I will never forget it. We hosted a Super Bowl party with our Sunday school class, who I had shared our awesome news with. We had told our family. I wasn't even 8 weeks pregnant yet. The next day I was scheduled to have the first ultrasound to date the pregnancy and hear the heartbeat.
We went in for our scheduled appointment. We went through the entire ultrasound and I wondered why we couldn't see the heartbeat.The technician didn't let on until she had gathered all the information she needed for assessment and then she let us know that she was sorry, but she didn't see a heartbeat.
It was a pretty ugly scene. I may have screamed. I know I was crying and inconsolable. Poor Greg. He was also in shock and was trying to comfort me. I'm sure we asked questions. I can't remember now what they were. The tech left us alone for a while. I got dressed and we waited to see my doctor's nurse. They gave us options on what we could do. I was so in shock that I couldn't do anything but go home.
By now you are probably wondering what this has to do with Valentine's candy. Well, in the next few days, my mom came to be with us. I couldn't decide whether or not to have a D and C. And in between there, I ate Valentine's candy. I remember going into Target and seeing all the Valentines displays and bought a big box of chocolates. And proceeded to eat them all.
I had lost a lot of weight previously so, even though they weren't asking why, I told my mom and my husband that for now, I was going to eat candy. I was going to be fine, and I wouldn't keep eating candy, but for the next few days, I was going to eat as much candy as I wanted. LOL.
By the end of the week I decided to have a D and C and after one more sonogram to ease my mind and to make sure that our little baby indeed had no heartbeat, the procedure was done and the rest is history.
I think I ate another big box of candy after the procedure. I'm sure I shared. Maybe.
I have absolutely no reason why I remembered that today. I think I probably remember it every year, but for some reason today I needed to write about it.
Greg and I have gone on to have two healthy children (along with two more, just as devastating, miscarriages in between). I have had more vaginal ultrasounds than I ever care to remember. Lots of bloodwork. I am glad that the fear and anxiety that always followed finding out I was pregnant is behind us. No more holding our breath through the first trimester. No more "procedures". No more loss in the baby department.
But today, as I bit into my little Russell Stover treat, I just happened to have my breath taken away from a memory of a hope that turned into a loss and a left a lot of tears and questions behind it.
And the memory of that time flooded back as if it was yesterday and I felt compelled to write about it.
I guess there is always room for processing grief and today was my day.
Today, I specifically thought about an early February nine years ago. I was pregnant with our first child. I honestly didn't think that I could get pregnant, even though I had no reason to think that other than I was older and overweight. I went from utter shock in learning that we were pregnant to being overjoyed...and a little queasy.
Anyway, I will never forget it. We hosted a Super Bowl party with our Sunday school class, who I had shared our awesome news with. We had told our family. I wasn't even 8 weeks pregnant yet. The next day I was scheduled to have the first ultrasound to date the pregnancy and hear the heartbeat.
We went in for our scheduled appointment. We went through the entire ultrasound and I wondered why we couldn't see the heartbeat.The technician didn't let on until she had gathered all the information she needed for assessment and then she let us know that she was sorry, but she didn't see a heartbeat.
It was a pretty ugly scene. I may have screamed. I know I was crying and inconsolable. Poor Greg. He was also in shock and was trying to comfort me. I'm sure we asked questions. I can't remember now what they were. The tech left us alone for a while. I got dressed and we waited to see my doctor's nurse. They gave us options on what we could do. I was so in shock that I couldn't do anything but go home.
By now you are probably wondering what this has to do with Valentine's candy. Well, in the next few days, my mom came to be with us. I couldn't decide whether or not to have a D and C. And in between there, I ate Valentine's candy. I remember going into Target and seeing all the Valentines displays and bought a big box of chocolates. And proceeded to eat them all.
I had lost a lot of weight previously so, even though they weren't asking why, I told my mom and my husband that for now, I was going to eat candy. I was going to be fine, and I wouldn't keep eating candy, but for the next few days, I was going to eat as much candy as I wanted. LOL.
By the end of the week I decided to have a D and C and after one more sonogram to ease my mind and to make sure that our little baby indeed had no heartbeat, the procedure was done and the rest is history.
I think I ate another big box of candy after the procedure. I'm sure I shared. Maybe.
I have absolutely no reason why I remembered that today. I think I probably remember it every year, but for some reason today I needed to write about it.
Greg and I have gone on to have two healthy children (along with two more, just as devastating, miscarriages in between). I have had more vaginal ultrasounds than I ever care to remember. Lots of bloodwork. I am glad that the fear and anxiety that always followed finding out I was pregnant is behind us. No more holding our breath through the first trimester. No more "procedures". No more loss in the baby department.
But today, as I bit into my little Russell Stover treat, I just happened to have my breath taken away from a memory of a hope that turned into a loss and a left a lot of tears and questions behind it.
And the memory of that time flooded back as if it was yesterday and I felt compelled to write about it.
I guess there is always room for processing grief and today was my day.
If: Gathering Nashville
I am so looking forward to the IF: Gathering local event in Nashville this weekend. My soul needs this. I need this. I know I need to go because I am already trying to talk myself out of going.
I was the only one of my friends who was actually able to snag an If: Austin registration. It sold out in like, 2 hours. Crazy. But, with no friends going and fitting the hotel bill on my own, not to mention the flight down to Texas, I decided to stay local.
Is anyone else attending an If:Gathering local event??? Look on my sidebar for details on how you can get in on the action before it's too late.
I want to see you there!!!!
I was the only one of my friends who was actually able to snag an If: Austin registration. It sold out in like, 2 hours. Crazy. But, with no friends going and fitting the hotel bill on my own, not to mention the flight down to Texas, I decided to stay local.
Is anyone else attending an If:Gathering local event??? Look on my sidebar for details on how you can get in on the action before it's too late.
I want to see you there!!!!
Have you had the talk???
Since we now have an eight year old, parenting in some ways is getting easier. But, as Carter gets older, there are dilemmas that pop up that take proactive approach. Who knew 8 years ago that I would be having discussions about Internet safety with my eight year old.....
Yes, technology is one of the things that HAS to be addressed early. Times have changed and just like the sex talk, starting the conversation early is monumental. That talk, the sex talk, is a continual conversation you should be having with your child from the time they start asking simple questions about where babies come from, not something you try to have with them when they turn 10 or 12. Good luck with that if you do. For more on age and developmentally appropriate discussions on sex, see my post HERE
This time, our discussion with Carter had to do with technology. Here are some things we recently addressed with him.
1) We explained why we were having this discussion, in a very age appropriate way. We told him that since we are his parents, it's our job to keep him safe. One of those ways is monitoring what he does on the Internet. We informed him that it is very easy to see and hear things that are not appropriate for him to see or hear. We explained to him that some parents may not monitor their kids in the same way we do, and that's not bad, but we definitely want him to know and be prepared when and if something comes up.
2) My husband and I discussed with Carter that if he is playing a game and he is prompted to watch a video to get points, coins, or whatever mom and/or dad need to be there with you while you are viewing them, or need to view them enough to know you aren't being exposed to something you shouldn't.
3) We had a discussion with Carter about what is appropriate content and what is not appropriate content for him to view if and when he is with a friend and that friend has more access to technology without parental supervision. I would be naive to think that the possibility of him being exposed to something that is inappropriate isn't there. This included bad words, cursing and nudity. I explained it like this....if you see anyone naked or partially naked on a video you are watching, it's not appropriate for you to watch. Carter knows (somewhat) what bad words are and words that you aren't allowed to say. We didn't go into much detail. You don't have to. They know.
4) We discussed what to say and do when something inappropriate pops up or his friend wants him to watch something that is inappropriate. We explained how to say, nicely and politely, that what they are viewing is something he doesn't want to see or that he knows his parents don't want him to see. We role played different scenarios with what to say when his friend questioned him or made fun of him for not wanting to watch something inappropriate. Then we told him he could always go to an adult and ask to come home if his friend didn't listen or wasn't being nice to him.
5) We asked him if he had any questions. Surprisingly, he didn't. You could tell his wheels were turning in his mind. I told him that after he thought about it a little while and had questions to please feel free to ask me or dad. We also told him he never had to be afraid to tell us something, that we would (try) not to get mad and if he talks to us up front about something it's less likely that he will get in trouble. And he would never get in trouble for telling us something that he saw, however, if we catch him watching something or hiding something from us, that requires a consequence. The big thing we were going here was trust. He can trust us with information. We are safe. It builds on our relationship.
This is just the beginning. What is awesome about having this conversation BEFORE anything happens is that we can build on it constantly. As with the sex talk, it's a continual conversation that comes up every now and then. When we inadvertently see something or hear something we shouldn't, I take that as an opportunity to talk to him about it and why it is wrong or something we don't watch or listen to. It helps him understand the difference between right and wrong and it keeps a dialog open. If he knows he isn't going to get into trouble for discussing things with me, which means I don't pass judgement or jump to conclusions when he brings something inappropriate up or asks questions, then he knows I am safe and his dad is safe and he is going to be way more open with us and we will have a continual dialog. If he is asking simply for the knowledge and understanding to help him make better choices, then I welcome those comments and questions. If he does something blatant to get attention, there will be a consequence. There is a difference and you, as the parent, will recognize this. I hope.
Whew. Good luck.
Yes, technology is one of the things that HAS to be addressed early. Times have changed and just like the sex talk, starting the conversation early is monumental. That talk, the sex talk, is a continual conversation you should be having with your child from the time they start asking simple questions about where babies come from, not something you try to have with them when they turn 10 or 12. Good luck with that if you do. For more on age and developmentally appropriate discussions on sex, see my post HERE
This time, our discussion with Carter had to do with technology. Here are some things we recently addressed with him.
1) We explained why we were having this discussion, in a very age appropriate way. We told him that since we are his parents, it's our job to keep him safe. One of those ways is monitoring what he does on the Internet. We informed him that it is very easy to see and hear things that are not appropriate for him to see or hear. We explained to him that some parents may not monitor their kids in the same way we do, and that's not bad, but we definitely want him to know and be prepared when and if something comes up.
2) My husband and I discussed with Carter that if he is playing a game and he is prompted to watch a video to get points, coins, or whatever mom and/or dad need to be there with you while you are viewing them, or need to view them enough to know you aren't being exposed to something you shouldn't.
3) We had a discussion with Carter about what is appropriate content and what is not appropriate content for him to view if and when he is with a friend and that friend has more access to technology without parental supervision. I would be naive to think that the possibility of him being exposed to something that is inappropriate isn't there. This included bad words, cursing and nudity. I explained it like this....if you see anyone naked or partially naked on a video you are watching, it's not appropriate for you to watch. Carter knows (somewhat) what bad words are and words that you aren't allowed to say. We didn't go into much detail. You don't have to. They know.
4) We discussed what to say and do when something inappropriate pops up or his friend wants him to watch something that is inappropriate. We explained how to say, nicely and politely, that what they are viewing is something he doesn't want to see or that he knows his parents don't want him to see. We role played different scenarios with what to say when his friend questioned him or made fun of him for not wanting to watch something inappropriate. Then we told him he could always go to an adult and ask to come home if his friend didn't listen or wasn't being nice to him.
5) We asked him if he had any questions. Surprisingly, he didn't. You could tell his wheels were turning in his mind. I told him that after he thought about it a little while and had questions to please feel free to ask me or dad. We also told him he never had to be afraid to tell us something, that we would (try) not to get mad and if he talks to us up front about something it's less likely that he will get in trouble. And he would never get in trouble for telling us something that he saw, however, if we catch him watching something or hiding something from us, that requires a consequence. The big thing we were going here was trust. He can trust us with information. We are safe. It builds on our relationship.
This is just the beginning. What is awesome about having this conversation BEFORE anything happens is that we can build on it constantly. As with the sex talk, it's a continual conversation that comes up every now and then. When we inadvertently see something or hear something we shouldn't, I take that as an opportunity to talk to him about it and why it is wrong or something we don't watch or listen to. It helps him understand the difference between right and wrong and it keeps a dialog open. If he knows he isn't going to get into trouble for discussing things with me, which means I don't pass judgement or jump to conclusions when he brings something inappropriate up or asks questions, then he knows I am safe and his dad is safe and he is going to be way more open with us and we will have a continual dialog. If he is asking simply for the knowledge and understanding to help him make better choices, then I welcome those comments and questions. If he does something blatant to get attention, there will be a consequence. There is a difference and you, as the parent, will recognize this. I hope.
Whew. Good luck.
Love, Crafts and Birthdays
My son turned 8 last week. I'm still trying to come to terms with that. He's so big and grown up, for eight, that is. So sweet.
Anyway, he wanted a Minecraft party theme and we had already decided to have the party at home to cut costs.
Pinterest was my friend (and enemy) in planning this party. If you want Minecraft you pretty much have to create it, there are really no kids party supplies out there. I am thankful for those who went before me and created these printable templates!
In the end, I still spent a lot of money. But his having this memory of this party in our home with his best buds was money well spent!!
For the cupcake wrappers and toppers I used THIS site (SOOO super easy!!!)
what Minecraft party is complete without Creeper Juice? So cute. But nobody wanted it. They all wanted sprite.. LOL. Live and learn. Buy little sprite bottles next time and take those labels off instead.
Food printable cards I found HERE...among other printables if you need them. A bunch of the sites had the candy ideas. This is what I did.
Creeper bags. Again, this idea is everywhere and so easy. I mean, if I can do it, anyone I can. I pained those creeper faces on the goody bags myself. Love.
Kids enjoying the party. Oh, remember to help the kids take the cupcake covers off. Some of the kids didn't eat their cupcake because they couldn't get the tape off the cover. Oops. Fail.
Carter was so excited throughout the week as I prepared for the party. He even helped with some of the crafting. The day of everything went so smoothly because I had been working on the party all week and had gotten most everything finished early. I had time to spare to get ready and chill a little bit before the party began. Don't get me wrong, it was exhausting but to me ALL birthday parties for kids are exhausting, I would rather just be in my own home.
We had one craft activity (which was THE BOMB!) And you can get the idea HERE! Sadly, I didn't get a picture of the craft but you can check it out on the website link I provided. OMG! These people are amazing. I mean, seriously. Using the Frugal Family Times blog for the Minecraft party was the BEST. It's how I found out there are Minecraft parody music videos on Youtube. We had these playing on our TV through our BluRay player as the guests arrived and they LOVED them. Check out everything on the link above!
I am excited I get to do this again in April when Griffin turns 5! He has asked for a Mario party, lots of great ideas on Pinterest. woo hoo!!!
Have a great week!
For the cupcake wrappers and toppers I used THIS site (SOOO super easy!!!)
There were lots of Minecraft cakes and cupcakes online and as usual with all my recipes/creations, I made a hybrid. I did the cupcakes, which are on many sites. And somewhere I saw a cake made out of iced brownies and white cake to look like a block, which everything is supposed to be square, of course. So I created this so that the kids could have a cake, brownie or rice crispie treats. Honestly, people came up with way more interesting rice crispie treats, making them into coal and whatnot, but let's face it. I'm lazy. If there is a shortcut, I will take it. And, I couldn't do EVERYTHING on Pinterest, although I considered it. So I focused on the cupcakes being the main deal and just went out and bought the premade rice crispy treats (yes, I know, processed crap) and served it up this way.
what Minecraft party is complete without Creeper Juice? So cute. But nobody wanted it. They all wanted sprite.. LOL. Live and learn. Buy little sprite bottles next time and take those labels off instead.
Food printable cards I found HERE...among other printables if you need them. A bunch of the sites had the candy ideas. This is what I did.
Creeper bags. Again, this idea is everywhere and so easy. I mean, if I can do it, anyone I can. I pained those creeper faces on the goody bags myself. Love.
Kids enjoying the party. Oh, remember to help the kids take the cupcake covers off. Some of the kids didn't eat their cupcake because they couldn't get the tape off the cover. Oops. Fail.
Carter was so excited throughout the week as I prepared for the party. He even helped with some of the crafting. The day of everything went so smoothly because I had been working on the party all week and had gotten most everything finished early. I had time to spare to get ready and chill a little bit before the party began. Don't get me wrong, it was exhausting but to me ALL birthday parties for kids are exhausting, I would rather just be in my own home.
We had one craft activity (which was THE BOMB!) And you can get the idea HERE! Sadly, I didn't get a picture of the craft but you can check it out on the website link I provided. OMG! These people are amazing. I mean, seriously. Using the Frugal Family Times blog for the Minecraft party was the BEST. It's how I found out there are Minecraft parody music videos on Youtube. We had these playing on our TV through our BluRay player as the guests arrived and they LOVED them. Check out everything on the link above!
I am excited I get to do this again in April when Griffin turns 5! He has asked for a Mario party, lots of great ideas on Pinterest. woo hoo!!!
Have a great week!
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Yeah...I know it's been a while.
December was crazy. Here is my top 10 for the past month...
1.I went to Haiti. Amazing.
2. Came back from Haiti. Broken...and tired.
3. Helped out with my son's Christmas party. Awesome.
4. Getting everything ready and finished for Christmas. Stressful.
5. Knee injury right before Christmas. Inconvenient (and painful).
6. Sleeping in every day during Christmas break. Fabulous!
7. Two weeks at home with my boys. Awesome.
8. Very Quiet New Years Eve. Ahhh...
9. I hosted a Downton Abbey Season 4 premiere party. Fantastic.
10. Extended Christmas break due to icy, cold weather. Cabin fever with two active boys. Um, I won't go there.
Whew.
I'm still recovering. How about you?
This is the first day since December 19th that both of my kids are in school for a full day so I figured I would update my blog.
I have lots to talk about in 2014, just not today. I'm enjoying some peace and quiet.
And coffee.
Lots and lots of coffee.
How was your December?
1.I went to Haiti. Amazing.
2. Came back from Haiti. Broken...and tired.
3. Helped out with my son's Christmas party. Awesome.
4. Getting everything ready and finished for Christmas. Stressful.
5. Knee injury right before Christmas. Inconvenient (and painful).
6. Sleeping in every day during Christmas break. Fabulous!
7. Two weeks at home with my boys. Awesome.
8. Very Quiet New Years Eve. Ahhh...
9. I hosted a Downton Abbey Season 4 premiere party. Fantastic.
10. Extended Christmas break due to icy, cold weather. Cabin fever with two active boys. Um, I won't go there.
Whew.
I'm still recovering. How about you?
This is the first day since December 19th that both of my kids are in school for a full day so I figured I would update my blog.
I have lots to talk about in 2014, just not today. I'm enjoying some peace and quiet.
And coffee.
Lots and lots of coffee.
How was your December?
Haiti = Hard
This time next week I will be in HAITI!!! It has been a wild, wild month. I have had so many feelings regarding Haiti so I thought I would share a few.
I just want to be real here, going to Haiti is hard. It was hard when I went the first time, but now that I am going back and know what to expect (although all trips are different) it kind of takes the "hard" up a notch. Kind of like when you are giving birth to your second child. You've been there, done that, yet NOW you know what to expect (like, you know what it's liking pushing an 8 pound baby out of you-know-where) (am I going to poop all over the hospital staff again, wow, that was embarrassing).... it's just a different kind of nervous. I don't know.... thankfully, hopefully, there will be no pooping in front of others in Haiti...
Seriously though, this past month has been very up and down. As a family we went through a lot, some personal stuff and some business stuff. I flat out was thinking of different ways I could get out of going on this trip. I emailed my wonderful friend, Tami, and told her I was freaking out. She said that was great (wha???). LOL. Yes, apparently, my fears and apprehension all point to God doing something big in me through this trip.
I mean, I know a lot of people who go to Haiti. A lot. Like several times a year and they love it. They talk about not wanting to leave Haiti. They talk about these strong feelings toward going back. I didn't fall in love with Haiti the last time I went. In fact, I knew it would be a while before I went back. It was that hard. And the stuff I thought was going to be hard wasn't. I can live without hot water for a week. I can live with eating different foods for a week. I can live in the heat. I can live with the possibilty of the generator going out and having no electrcity. That stuff was easy.
Well, I would like to say that reaching out to Tami helped with my apprehension but it didn't. Midway through November I started looking for full time employment. One of the positions I was interviewing for had me starting work the Monday after I get back from Haiti. Talk about skyrocketing anxiety. I just didn't think I could do it. And, thankfully, I won't.
Even after I knew I wasn't going to take a full time position (more on that in another blog post to come) I just flat out attempted to convince myself that I did not have to go. I could get out of it...but what about all that money? What about all those people that helped me raise the money to go? Well, I would pay them back. No biggie. Ugh. I tried thinking about all the things I am going to miss while I am in Haiti during the Christmas season. My son's Christmas play. My work's Christmas party. Surely that is a good reason not to go. Mommy guilt, that's always a good one...
Then something real happened. My dad had a complication with his dialysis. He was having a procedure the day before Thanksgiving. I didn't know if this would impact me going to Haiti or not. If my dad was in the hospital I was not going to Haiti. I sent a text to Tami, who was ever supportive. And in the back of my mind, even though I wouldn't truly acknowledge it, I thought this is my way out.
Somehow, in all of this, I finally reached a decision. I decided I was going to go. I was supposed to go. I wanted to go. I felt peace. I felt even more peace after I heard that my dad's procedure went well and that nothing will really change with his dialysis until the new year. Whew.
This past week I have felt nothing but peace. I am going. I am supposed to go. I want to go. Now that we are back from Missouri I can truly do all the things that need to be done to get ready for the trip.
I don't really know how to explain it, the peace. I am glad it is there though.
Going to a third world country is hard. Seeing the poverty, devastation and under-nourished orphans in less than ideal conditions is hard. Knowing that there isn't really anything I can do to "fix" the corruption in Haiti is hard and frustrating. It is emotionally draining.
But, then I remember that as hard as it is, what if we weren't involved? What if we weren't there?What if we couldn't give. I don't feel like I make a whole lot of difference in Haiti and that's frustrating. But that week that I am in Haiti, as hard as it is, I get to give love freely to orphans that have nothing. As heartbreaking as it is to know that no one tucks them in at night, I can love on the few that "choose me" for the week. I can be a momma to some Haitian babies. Plus, we get to give them stuff, which is always cool. But reminding myself when this gets really hard that I have been so very blessed makes all the trivial difficulties seem, well, trivial.
So, I am going. And it's going to be hard. But, that's okay. I have one week of hard. These orphans haven't known anything but hard their whole lives. The only thing is they don't know it. And God uses them to remind me Who He Is. Because Jesus shines in them. To see them sing about Jesus and experience Him in ways that I truly have never known, priceless.
I'm looking forward to my second experience in Haiti. Thank you to everyone who gave toward my trip. Thanks for all your prayers. Please keep us in your thoughts next week! I will post an update when we get back!!!
I just want to be real here, going to Haiti is hard. It was hard when I went the first time, but now that I am going back and know what to expect (although all trips are different) it kind of takes the "hard" up a notch. Kind of like when you are giving birth to your second child. You've been there, done that, yet NOW you know what to expect (like, you know what it's liking pushing an 8 pound baby out of you-know-where) (am I going to poop all over the hospital staff again, wow, that was embarrassing).... it's just a different kind of nervous. I don't know.... thankfully, hopefully, there will be no pooping in front of others in Haiti...
Seriously though, this past month has been very up and down. As a family we went through a lot, some personal stuff and some business stuff. I flat out was thinking of different ways I could get out of going on this trip. I emailed my wonderful friend, Tami, and told her I was freaking out. She said that was great (wha???). LOL. Yes, apparently, my fears and apprehension all point to God doing something big in me through this trip.
I mean, I know a lot of people who go to Haiti. A lot. Like several times a year and they love it. They talk about not wanting to leave Haiti. They talk about these strong feelings toward going back. I didn't fall in love with Haiti the last time I went. In fact, I knew it would be a while before I went back. It was that hard. And the stuff I thought was going to be hard wasn't. I can live without hot water for a week. I can live with eating different foods for a week. I can live in the heat. I can live with the possibilty of the generator going out and having no electrcity. That stuff was easy.
Well, I would like to say that reaching out to Tami helped with my apprehension but it didn't. Midway through November I started looking for full time employment. One of the positions I was interviewing for had me starting work the Monday after I get back from Haiti. Talk about skyrocketing anxiety. I just didn't think I could do it. And, thankfully, I won't.
Even after I knew I wasn't going to take a full time position (more on that in another blog post to come) I just flat out attempted to convince myself that I did not have to go. I could get out of it...but what about all that money? What about all those people that helped me raise the money to go? Well, I would pay them back. No biggie. Ugh. I tried thinking about all the things I am going to miss while I am in Haiti during the Christmas season. My son's Christmas play. My work's Christmas party. Surely that is a good reason not to go. Mommy guilt, that's always a good one...
Then something real happened. My dad had a complication with his dialysis. He was having a procedure the day before Thanksgiving. I didn't know if this would impact me going to Haiti or not. If my dad was in the hospital I was not going to Haiti. I sent a text to Tami, who was ever supportive. And in the back of my mind, even though I wouldn't truly acknowledge it, I thought this is my way out.
Somehow, in all of this, I finally reached a decision. I decided I was going to go. I was supposed to go. I wanted to go. I felt peace. I felt even more peace after I heard that my dad's procedure went well and that nothing will really change with his dialysis until the new year. Whew.
This past week I have felt nothing but peace. I am going. I am supposed to go. I want to go. Now that we are back from Missouri I can truly do all the things that need to be done to get ready for the trip.
I don't really know how to explain it, the peace. I am glad it is there though.
Going to a third world country is hard. Seeing the poverty, devastation and under-nourished orphans in less than ideal conditions is hard. Knowing that there isn't really anything I can do to "fix" the corruption in Haiti is hard and frustrating. It is emotionally draining.
But, then I remember that as hard as it is, what if we weren't involved? What if we weren't there?What if we couldn't give. I don't feel like I make a whole lot of difference in Haiti and that's frustrating. But that week that I am in Haiti, as hard as it is, I get to give love freely to orphans that have nothing. As heartbreaking as it is to know that no one tucks them in at night, I can love on the few that "choose me" for the week. I can be a momma to some Haitian babies. Plus, we get to give them stuff, which is always cool. But reminding myself when this gets really hard that I have been so very blessed makes all the trivial difficulties seem, well, trivial.
So, I am going. And it's going to be hard. But, that's okay. I have one week of hard. These orphans haven't known anything but hard their whole lives. The only thing is they don't know it. And God uses them to remind me Who He Is. Because Jesus shines in them. To see them sing about Jesus and experience Him in ways that I truly have never known, priceless.
I'm looking forward to my second experience in Haiti. Thank you to everyone who gave toward my trip. Thanks for all your prayers. Please keep us in your thoughts next week! I will post an update when we get back!!!
Tis the Season....for Travel
We have survived Halloween and are anxiously awaiting Thanksgiving when we get to travel to Missouri to see my mom. Road trips with kids are always fun. Most of the time my kids do great in the car, maybe it's their age, I don't know. But I would like to think it has something to do with my planning and preparation. Not all road trips have been dreamy, but packing great snacks always made it a LOT better!
On the way back from our Second Honeymoon trip in May, we were on a plane with a couple who had a one year old. In fact, we sat right next to them on the front row of the plane. The baby fussed the whole trip, not just fussed but screamed, cried and wiggled the entire time. Even the flight attendant came and asked the mom if she could walk him around the plane. You know it's bad when the flight attendant steps in. Mom tried breastfeeding him at one point and we had about 10 minutes of quiet...man, that was nice. Then she tried to get him to go to sleep. No go. She fed him a sandwich which he devoured. She only had water in his sippy cup (what???) and I think she may have had some goldfish, but as I sat there, I was wondering where her plethora of snacks were. We are a snacking family. I mean, if we are in the car for an extended period of time I brink lots of food for my kids. I could not understand for the life of me why this mom didn't pack pretzels, cookies, crackers, juice...you know all the good stuff that is bad for you. Even if you never, ever ever give your kid juice, especially under one year of age because that is FORBIDDEN and because, you know, it will cause them to get fat, (yep, that 6 ounces is just going to bloat them out for life) please for the love of everyone on that plane, pack it!
Don't get me wrong. I have traveled on a plane with a baby before. It's no fun and this mom felt really bad, I could tell.
How do you feel about feeding your kids snacks that they normally wouldn't get, for special occasions like travel? I'll be honest, it made me way less sympathetic for her. I understand he was only one but if the boy can devour a peanut butter sandwich, then maybe, just maybe he can eat an animal cracker or two with some real juice. But, it didn't make me mad (like some other passengers who weren't really all that nice). Maybe it's because we were all relaxed from our second honeymoon, but I was very empathetic with her and the situation she and her husband was in. On the other hand I so much wanted to tell her PACK SNACKS, but, I figured at that point and time it probably wasn't the right time or place. I remember being a first time mom and wanting to do everything right, but, if you are doing everything you can in the moment for your child then you are doing it right. Even if others say you are messing up. And that even includes the American Association of Pediatrics!!!!
So, if you want any advice from this travel seasoned mom, don't worry about the sugar in the juice. Drinking a cup of juice or two will not harm your child. Her fat genes will not pop out all of the sudden with an extra piece of candy. Trust me. And the people around you will appreciate it so much and you will feel much less stressed.
I hope you have an easy, non-stressful travel season as the holidays are upon us! Just remember to pack snacks (I won't even mention benadryl works wonders too!!! ) ;-)
On the way back from our Second Honeymoon trip in May, we were on a plane with a couple who had a one year old. In fact, we sat right next to them on the front row of the plane. The baby fussed the whole trip, not just fussed but screamed, cried and wiggled the entire time. Even the flight attendant came and asked the mom if she could walk him around the plane. You know it's bad when the flight attendant steps in. Mom tried breastfeeding him at one point and we had about 10 minutes of quiet...man, that was nice. Then she tried to get him to go to sleep. No go. She fed him a sandwich which he devoured. She only had water in his sippy cup (what???) and I think she may have had some goldfish, but as I sat there, I was wondering where her plethora of snacks were. We are a snacking family. I mean, if we are in the car for an extended period of time I brink lots of food for my kids. I could not understand for the life of me why this mom didn't pack pretzels, cookies, crackers, juice...you know all the good stuff that is bad for you. Even if you never, ever ever give your kid juice, especially under one year of age because that is FORBIDDEN and because, you know, it will cause them to get fat, (yep, that 6 ounces is just going to bloat them out for life) please for the love of everyone on that plane, pack it!
Don't get me wrong. I have traveled on a plane with a baby before. It's no fun and this mom felt really bad, I could tell.
How do you feel about feeding your kids snacks that they normally wouldn't get, for special occasions like travel? I'll be honest, it made me way less sympathetic for her. I understand he was only one but if the boy can devour a peanut butter sandwich, then maybe, just maybe he can eat an animal cracker or two with some real juice. But, it didn't make me mad (like some other passengers who weren't really all that nice). Maybe it's because we were all relaxed from our second honeymoon, but I was very empathetic with her and the situation she and her husband was in. On the other hand I so much wanted to tell her PACK SNACKS, but, I figured at that point and time it probably wasn't the right time or place. I remember being a first time mom and wanting to do everything right, but, if you are doing everything you can in the moment for your child then you are doing it right. Even if others say you are messing up. And that even includes the American Association of Pediatrics!!!!
So, if you want any advice from this travel seasoned mom, don't worry about the sugar in the juice. Drinking a cup of juice or two will not harm your child. Her fat genes will not pop out all of the sudden with an extra piece of candy. Trust me. And the people around you will appreciate it so much and you will feel much less stressed.
I hope you have an easy, non-stressful travel season as the holidays are upon us! Just remember to pack snacks (I won't even mention benadryl works wonders too!!! ) ;-)
Susan-in-Haiti
December 2011 I went to Jeremie, Haiti for the first time. After that trip, I said it would be a while before I went back. Well, it's been two years and I think I'm ready to go back. Whether I am completely ready to go back or not, I am going. Again, in the first week in December with my wonderful friends and team leaders, Dale and Tami Heim. I honestly would not go on this trip with any other leaders. They are the best and I am so appreciative of their leadership. I just felt that needed to be said!
I am hoping and praying that with this trip I can actually soak in what happens. Last time, I was in shock and I was stressed and overwhelmed. Because it was such a new experience and I really didn't know anyone on the trip, I allowed it to add stress and I withdrew. I became more introverted (than usual) and I was going through a lot emotionally anyway, working through my first step study in Celebrate Recovery. I was doing very intensive work on the inside, then went to Haiti to pour out on them and it was intense. I remember facetiming with Greg on the first or second night in Jeremie in tears. I was so out of my comfort zone. I was overwhelmed. I kept a lot of it in at the time and I just kept to myself a lot. This time, I'm looking forward to knowing what the routine is and the place I am staying, even though I have been told not two trips are the same, at least I have been there and I know what it's like to ride in that little 12 passenger plane! Yikes!
That plane ride was honestly one of the *least* stressful events during that trip. Seeing those orphans and the conditions that they live in, and knowing that even with those conditions, if that orphanage wasn't there, they would more than likely be dead, seeing that every day for five days, was quite emotionally draining.
Anyway, I really want this trip to be less about me and my issues and more about enjoying my time at the orphanage, feeling less overwhelmed and enjoying fellowship with some awesome people. In fact, that is my mantra for this trip. "It is not about me, it's about them". And to get more "spiritual", I'll quote John 3:20, "He must increase, but I must decrease". WORD!
I am raising money to fund my trip to Haiti and it is really easy to give, just check out my gofundme.com page, Susan-in-Haiti! If you are of the budgeting kind, My final payment for this trip will be due the first week of November...about three weeks before we LEAVE FOR HAITI (Eeeekkkkkk!!!)...sorry, I had a moment of something there. Eek. This trip is less than 8 weeks away. Eek. Eek. Eek. LOL.
If you want to check out my previous posts about my first trip to Haiti check these links out:
Return From Haiti
Just Cry
Of course, more important than monetary support is PRAYER!! And lots of it. Pray that this trip is not about me, that I let people in and that I love greatly. And just...go.
Thanks for all of your support!!!!
xxoo
A Year Of Biblical Womanhood!!!
ON SALE on Kindle RIGHT NOW, October 1, 2013. Go GRAB it!!!
I absolutely LOVED this book. It's funny and enlightening. I may not agree with everything in the book, but she doesn't ask the reader to agree with her. I found it quite entertaining. It's on Kindle right now for $2.99. Great read.
I think if you do a study like True Woman 101: Divine Design (and yes, I have read it) this should be read along with because not everyone believes or perceives biblical womanhood in the same manner, and personally, I don't want my life and beliefs to be pigeonholed into what one person's interpretation of scripture holds. I believe in the power of the holy spirit to guide and lead me and my marriage.
And, well, I'm kinda passionate about that. So it's not that I am against other studies, I personally, just like a more comprehensive approach to studying the murkier issues facing women studies today. Let's look at this from both sides.
I have no idea how long this will be $2.99 so if you find this post after October 1, 2013 you missed the deal. Personally, I would buy it anyway. It's great.
Click HERE to see if it's still on sale.
Thoughts? (I hope I am not opening Pandora's box.....)
Hope For the Future
Have you ever wanted to repair something but didn't know how? Or knew that it was really out of your control and as much as you wanted to fix a situation you just couldn't quite put the pieces together to do so? I feel this just about every day in dealing with my ADHD son. I want to figure him out. I want to understand all of his behaviors. I worry. I pray. I wonder. I question. But in the end I can't figure it out.
And then I just have to let go. I continue to pray, especially during the difficult times. It's just part of my faith and when I can truly let go and experience peace. Calling on God to take over, surrendering to the things in this life that are completely out of my control.
I'm reminded often to pray. I don't always do it, but man, when I do, nothing may actually change my circumstances, but it makes them bearable. Not that we don't have our moments. Sometimes those moments drive us to pray without ceasing. And I am convinced that my son's ADHD has a purpose. And one of those purposes it to remind me that I need God to carry me through.
When nothing else makes sense. Nothing is working. When I am doubting, feeling like a failure as a parent, and about to lose my mind I am gently reminded to pray.
And then I reminded. My son is going to be. just. fine.
I don't know what that looks like but I know he's amazing and complex and he's going to be fine. When I feel overwhelmed in today, that's when I have to think about the outcome and how he has so much going for him. We are doing everything possible to give him the best treatment, support and opportunities. Even though a lot of the times I feel like a discipline failure and allow those fears to creep in (what ifs will drive you crazy). I have to TRUST God. I have to TRUST myself and my husband. And I have to TRUST to process.
Each day holds failures and successes as a parent, but I have finally figured out that one, singular day does not decide the fate of my child. It's a compilation of many, many days and years that will develop him into the strong, Christian man of God I KNOW that he will become. And that is what I hold onto when I talk about the "outcome", the future. If I only looked at the day to day, man, some days would just be pretty ugly. And how often do I ignore the good days? Cause I know there are more good days than bad. It's just the bad ones can be so bad that it shadows the good days.
So I try and make a point in recognizing the good. Because that is where I find hope. And it is in those good days that I am reminded that the in the future he's going to be. just. fine.
Prayer. Surrender. Trust. Faith. Hope and whole lot of love. How can that go wrong? His life may not be the picture that I wanted it to look like but it's not my picture to create. It's my son's picture. And I think he's pretty amazing.
And one day I'm going to look back and see how much the good and the bad shaped him into this incredible man of God who is creative and smart and independent and strong. And, maybe in the back of my mind, I will finally allow myself to consider that, yeah, I had a part in molding him into the man that he is and will become.
Wow. He's going to be just fine.
And then I just have to let go. I continue to pray, especially during the difficult times. It's just part of my faith and when I can truly let go and experience peace. Calling on God to take over, surrendering to the things in this life that are completely out of my control.
I'm reminded often to pray. I don't always do it, but man, when I do, nothing may actually change my circumstances, but it makes them bearable. Not that we don't have our moments. Sometimes those moments drive us to pray without ceasing. And I am convinced that my son's ADHD has a purpose. And one of those purposes it to remind me that I need God to carry me through.
When nothing else makes sense. Nothing is working. When I am doubting, feeling like a failure as a parent, and about to lose my mind I am gently reminded to pray.
And then I reminded. My son is going to be. just. fine.
I don't know what that looks like but I know he's amazing and complex and he's going to be fine. When I feel overwhelmed in today, that's when I have to think about the outcome and how he has so much going for him. We are doing everything possible to give him the best treatment, support and opportunities. Even though a lot of the times I feel like a discipline failure and allow those fears to creep in (what ifs will drive you crazy). I have to TRUST God. I have to TRUST myself and my husband. And I have to TRUST to process.
Each day holds failures and successes as a parent, but I have finally figured out that one, singular day does not decide the fate of my child. It's a compilation of many, many days and years that will develop him into the strong, Christian man of God I KNOW that he will become. And that is what I hold onto when I talk about the "outcome", the future. If I only looked at the day to day, man, some days would just be pretty ugly. And how often do I ignore the good days? Cause I know there are more good days than bad. It's just the bad ones can be so bad that it shadows the good days.
So I try and make a point in recognizing the good. Because that is where I find hope. And it is in those good days that I am reminded that the in the future he's going to be. just. fine.
Prayer. Surrender. Trust. Faith. Hope and whole lot of love. How can that go wrong? His life may not be the picture that I wanted it to look like but it's not my picture to create. It's my son's picture. And I think he's pretty amazing.
And one day I'm going to look back and see how much the good and the bad shaped him into this incredible man of God who is creative and smart and independent and strong. And, maybe in the back of my mind, I will finally allow myself to consider that, yeah, I had a part in molding him into the man that he is and will become.
Wow. He's going to be just fine.
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