Sending kids off to school....

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone

The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness. ~Honoré de Balzac

Women who miscalculate are called mothers. ~Abigail Van Buren :-)

I cannot believe that my oldest boy is going off to Kindergarten. I keep looking at him in amazement because I remember him being this tiny little baby, and I have wat(ched him grow up to be this amazing little boy who is smart, funny and baffling to me, all at the same time! Baffled because he is complex, caring and let's be honest, can be quite infuriating all at the same time.

I have never loved something or someone so much and, in some moments, have a fury rage inside me at some of his actions. I hope I am not being too brutally honest when I say that, but it's the truth. In his short five years I have felt rage, shock, pride and in it all, unconditional love, in spite of all his actions, whether I term them good or bad. It's true what they say, once you become a mother you need to be prepared to have your heart walking outside your body. It's true. The range of emotions a mother feels when dealing with this other, very human being, is sometimes incomprehensible.

Carter is a piece of me. He is a piece of my husband. He is a whole lot of God's grace and love. But this past week I have just been reminded that even though He is God's creation, the Lord allowed me to be a part of it. And with that, I am humbled. God allowed me to carry this precious gem, this gem that I LOVE so much, yet can be greatly annoyed the same time.

I know I keep repeating that phrase, "at the same time", but it's true. I don't understand it. I guess because Carter is a part of me, that's why it is so confounding, to love something sooooo much, be humbled by the fact that he has been given to me, an the honor that has been bestowed on me, and at which I do not reflect upon nearly often enough. And let's be honest, can be a little boy I really dislike sometimes. LOL!

I don't really know what this has to do with Carter going into Kindergarten. I guess it has just made me very reflective, more so than normal. :-) It's a milestone. It's a marker. It's a gift. God allowed me to be the mom to Carter (and Griffin). He allowed me to be part of a miracle. And this miracle has grown into a little boy who is beautiful, caring, smart, funny, determined, stubborn, literal, and loving. Kind of like me, a little bit. Kind of like his dad.

Actually, I think Carter is a lot like me. Which is why I sometimes don't like him, even though I love him forever. I see myself in him. When Carter and I are in conflict is often when I see my flaws the most. And I want to fix them, through him. When all he really needs is to be loved and accepted. Mentored. Disciplined. Surrendered.

Wow. What gift. What a privilege.

Dear Heavenly Father,

THANK YOU for this gift. Thank you for your grace. Help me to remember that Carter is a GIFT, always, He is yours. He is not mine. He has only been loaned to me for a while. My prayer is that through You, and you alone, I really can be a perfect mother! Thank you for the resiliency of my children when I am not walking, by faith, in this journey of motherhood. Please forgive me for my self-sufficiency. Thank you for the perfect picture of unconditional love.
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