Griffin is FIVE months old!

Very hard to believe that my baby is growing up so fast. We have updated his website with new pictures, which are cute and adorable.

You can go to his website here. Enjoy!!!! He is total cuteness. I'm not biased at all.

I am feeling much better. I still have my hormonal moments (bless Greg's heart) but all in all, I feel life is taking an upswing and I am only waiting for it to get better.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and concerns!

After Griffin turns one year all the family updates will be on here and I will be posting on this site much more frequently.

See ya!

The Baby Blues, part two

This is a continuation of a post from earlier in the day.

God has been speaking to me in small ways here and there. Even if I didn't always feel that He was there, I kept searching for Him and asking Him to show up. And he started to in many small ways. I was just so ready for the heaviness in my heart to be extinguished. There were many verses along the way that I clung to:

Psalm 94:19
In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul

Phillipians 4:6-13

Phil 4:6-7
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your heart and minds through Christ Jesus.

Phil 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Psalm 121

And many, many more. I just clung to them in the fog.

Then, today I was just simply reminded that God Is. He has reminded me that He is Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end; the God who Was and Is and Is to be. Period. That is the reason for this post, because I can't remain silent.

I was reading Oswald Chambers for a change this morning and I can’t even remember now what I was reading, except that it convicted me, as usual. My Utmost for His Highest has a way of doing that. But in my mind I had a song playing in my head that I knew was a scripture passage and if something is in my head and it stays there I tend to either look it up or listen to the song, whichever it is. The words that were going through my mind were,

“Eye has not seen, ear has not heard…”

I knew the tune and I am somewhat embarrassed to say that it is from a Southern Gospel song from the 1990’s. But it was a great song. Those were the only words I could remember out of that song. I knew who sang it, I knew who wrote it, but that is all I could think of. I started looking up those words in the bible and was surprised at what I found.

But it is written, eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him. I Corinthians 2:9

At first I wondered why this verse was in my head. Nothing stood out except for the grandness of God and how amazing and powerful He is, and how I, a mere human on this earth, have not heard or seen anything compared to what God has in store for those that love Him. So I stumbled upon some commentary readings online. And Matthew Henry’s stuck out to me the most. I was humbled and in awe because I knew God was speaking to me; the God who I wanted to question and the God that I had trouble, “feeling”.

Here is what it said,
“…There are things that God hath prepared for those that love him and wait for him, which sense cannot discover, no teaching can convey to our ears, nor can it yet enter our hearts. We must take them as they stand in the Scriptures, as God hath been pleased to reveal them to us.”

Wow. God reminded me, again, that not only is He real, but even though I can’t see him or hear him (in the literal sense) He is here. It brought me peace. I don’t know why I have to be reminded of Who God Is, but I do. Then I am humbled, and grateful, and in awe.

“We must take them as they stand in the Scriptures”. It is enough. He is a great mystery. I can’t see Him, I can’t touch Him. But He is here. And my heart will be healed. He just wants me to hold on and cling to Him and to know He is real.

One of the Glory Revealed CD’s has this song on it entitled, ‘Since the World Began’, which is scripture out of Isaiah 64:4 which is where the scripture in I Corinthians references.
“Since the world began no ear has heard, no eye has seen a God like You, Oh a God like You…”
I don’t think it is a coincidence that I have been listening to that CD, and other worship CD’s for comfort. I don’t like feeling dead inside. But I know that I am not dead inside. I know that I love God the best way that I can and I know He has prepared for me things that I cannot even imagine. I can’t even really put it into words in a way that even attempts the concept of Who Christ is. That’s how big He is.

It’s like I had to start back at the beginning, again. It starts with the humbleness and awe that believing that God is real in spite of not having the taste, touch, feel and hear aspect of Who He Is. I just have to trust Him and take Him at His Word. Then I am reminded over and over of the things He has done in my life. I don’t understand why He doesn't get tired of me and my questions. I am thankful that He never will.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not SEEN (emphasis mine). Hebrews 11:1

The Baby Blues, part one

I will lift up my eyes to the hills---From whence comes my help? My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1

Having two kids changes things, in many ways. Everyone tells you that. Everyone tells you that no two babies are the same. But nothing can prepare you for having two kids. You remember the exhaustion of having a newborn in the house. You remember your hormones (at least the women do) and you remember the feeling of just waiting to get past the first six to eight weeks, because anything before that was really just a blur.

Then, when you think things have calmed down, you might have this handling two kids down a little bit, it hits. You remember this feeling. You had it with your first child. The feelings of being overwhelmed. The anxiety. The fear. All unfounded, irrational and unlikely. But yet, it is there, creeping slowly into your heart making you feel dead inside.

Whether you call it "the baby blues" or Post-Partum Depression, it really doesn't matter because it puts a total damper on bringing new life into the world and no matter how hard you attempt not to feel that way it seeps in like a slow leak in your lifeboat. And pretty soon you feel like you are going to drown.

For me, this also affects every aspect of my life. I question everything. There are things in my mind and heart that I know are irrational and I keep telling myself that but you feel so dead inside, or unfeeling, that it just makes sense that what you are feeling is reality. This also affects me spiritually. Being a new mom, it is difficult to get time with the Lord every day. This makes one even weaker spiritually. Then you feel so dead inside that you start to question even God's existence, His power, His creation, what He has done. Again, this is all irrational, and you know it, but not being able to feel anything you just begin to wonder. Satan loves to slip in and cause doubt and fear and whispers in your ear, "do you really believe all this???" I am just talking about the spiritual aspect of my fear. I will spare you the fear and anxiety regarding my children, husband, and life in general. But when you start doubting you entire belief system, you know things are going really downhill, really fast.

I can sit here and write this because, one, I know God already knows how I feel and He loves and accepts me right where I am. I don't have to fake it with Him. I don't have to put a smile on my face and greet Him in false joy. He knows. And it's okay because I am not going to be in this place forever. He understands. He know that I know He is the creator of the universe and that all things were made by Him and for Him and His pleasure. I believe there really is a heaven. I believe He made heaven and earth, but it is so big to me to think that right now. It overwhelms me much like the fear and anxiety that is putting a choke hold on my heart right now.

The only thing I knew to do was to keep on keeping on. I was taking care of myself physically the way that I needed to. So, it was just a matter of time. Even if I didn't feel like God was real at the moment, I knew in my heart, in deepest, darkest and smallest part of my heart that HE IS. And I clung to that.

When you cry out to God, He responds. He listens. It may not be in the very moment an answer that you are looking for but it doesn't mean He isn't there. The Lord was able to reach me in rare moments of clarity and I clung to that. Even if I didn't feel it for a long time.

I am going to continue this post tomorrow. It is a post of victory. God's victory. He is the Healer. The Ultimate Healer. He is Truth. He is Righteousness. And He is REAL. I will share the verses I clung to in the midst of my BLAH and anxiety. I am not all the way there, but spiritually,I know He is working in me and I am beginning to feel. And it's a good feel. My circumstances haven't changed that much, but my heart has. And for that I am thankful.

More tomorrow or later today.