Muddling through Grief

Greg and I have had our share of grief this past year.

Last July I lost one of my best friends very suddenly and way, way too early. I really miss her and her death was really hard on me. It still is.

Then, we got pregnant, right after she died. I thought, "this is wonderful". There is death and then there is life. The Lord is blessing me with this light from heaven. It was very healing. Of course, we don't go into pregnancy naively anymore since our first pregnancy in 2005 ended in miscarriage. But, nonetheless, I was feeling very hopeful.

We kept it to ourselves, just like we did when I was pregnant with Carter. We were going to wait until after the first trimester to share our news with everyone.

Unfortunately, that pregnancy ended in miscarriage seven weeks into it. We were, of course, devastated. I was numb more than anything because losing Roxanne and then the hope that you thought had come from the Lord as a gift from above is taken too, it just seems really unfair. And, in reality, it is.

Other than a few people at church that had to know due to commitments, we still didn't tell any family. Why burden them? They were devastated when we had a miscarriage in 2005.

Somehow, we muddled through. I really didn't start greiving for either loss until the fall. Then the tears came and I was able to process the loss. And there is always hope. Hope that there will be a next pregnancy and the focus turns to hope instead of loss.

So, we were very ecstatic when we got another positive pregnancy test in January. Again, we didn't tell a soul. I was doing okay. I had my bloodwork done and all my numbers were just great. Breath a big sigh of relief.

We went in for our 8 week ultrasound because my doctor does those early. I was very nervous and unsettled about the whole thing. In my quiet time, instead of hearing the promises of God, I heard and read about comfort and trust. That thursday morning, I awoke with the hymn Be Thou My Vision in my head. I had no idea why and didn't really give it a thought until after we came home from learning that our little one had stopped developing at five weeks. Then the song held a special meaning. A message from God about trust in the storm. Really giving everything over to Him and allowing Him to direct your paths.

I have to admit that this time around I was angry. And I was angry at God. And you know what. He was big enough to take it. I want to write and indepth post about the misconception that we, as Christians, should just push our feelings under the rug when bad things happen. God knows we are going to be angry, hurt, and confused. At the time, we may not turn to Him immediately, but He is there. He never leaves us or forsakes us. And He is big enough for our questions. We can shout them to the rooftops. He can take it.

I guess it is what you do with your anger, eventually, that really matters. You can say, "my God is a good God and I trust Him" and really not mean it, or say those things because you are a Christian, and that is what you are supposed to say, and then go and stuff everything and it will come out in other ways. Bitterness, anger, depression. Or we can sort through our anger and our grief and eventually come to the Truth that Is.

And that is that God is our Help. He is our provider. He IS. He is our all in all. He is our vision and our comfort.

Once I got past the anger, I tried to focus on what I knew was true about God. I kept reflecting that I did not know why this loss had happened, again, but I did know God. I knew Him. So I needed to focus on Him.

Verses like Jeremiah 29:11 and Psalm 139: 17-18 came to mind.

And of course, this one:

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; He'll never let you be pushed past your limit; He'll always be there to help you come through it. I Cor. 10:13 from The Message

In time, the peace comes again. The truth always wins. I am not sorry for the process that it took to get me there. And God understands. He carried me through it all. He was there all the time.

And, I will praise You in this storm.
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