It has become increasingly clear that this trip to Canada is having more of an effect on me than I had imagined.
Next Tuesday, Greg, Carter and I will head to Canada for much needed R & R. We will visit with Roxanne's family, staying with them for three nights, then head to Prince Edward Island, of Anne of Green Gables fame. It is actually the 100th anniversary of Lucy Maude Montgomery writing those books so there will be a lot of celebrating going on. I still remember watching Anne of Green Gables for the first time when I was a teenager. I am very excited. And, basically, I haven't told Greg anything about Anne of Green Gables. He will just have to sit through it once we get there. I will try and skip the more "girly" parts of the trip. I won't make him have high tea with me at one of the mansions made famous in the books. All the men reading this breathe a huge sigh of relief for Greg.
But the closer we get to leaving for this trip the more emotional I become. The more I think of Roxanne and how sad I was to lose her. And I cry. Part of me wishes that I could just suck it up and move on. I am not the type to wallow in my self-pity. I don't want to have a pity party, I want to move on. But grief does not move along in a timeline. It likes to stop, reflect, heal, then move forward again, like a compass, leading and directing you where it wishes you would go. And you have no other means but to follow. It is commandeering the ride. The tears will come, you have the choice of whether allowing them to come at their discretion, or stuffing them deep inside only to allow anger and bitterness, fear and despair to increase and swallow you whole.
I guess more and more I allow myself to cry. I don't like it, especially when I am in public. But there is no shame in tears. It means there is healing going on. You are remembering something and it has touched a part of your soul enough to burst outside of your body in the form of a tear, and it slides the slippery path down your face. It is welcome. Or it should be. But most of the time it is just inconvenient and embarrassing.
I remember a time when tears did not come to me that often. I would stuff everything deep down inside where it was safe and sound. Or so I thought. But at the most inopportune times, I would have a meltdown, much like my two year old. And man, those are embarrassing. And most times they happen in front of people. People you know and really don't want to think that you are a psycho. Or, they would happen in front of the bank teller, who you would attempt to avoid at every subsequent trip to the bank. Talk about uncomfortable!
No, I have learned that tears are welcome. So when they come I try to keep an open mind and just sit with the grief. It is happening more and more these days. I am wishing more and more my emotional reserves could be full and overflowing, but things keep happening that syphon out all my reserve.
I am hoping that while this trip will be emotionally draining, there will also be lots of joy and laughter, maybe even a little closure. Some weeping I am sure will be expected. But a lot of fun times too. New family memories to bring home of Canada instead of the last time that I was there.
Yeah, I am sure it will good once we get there. I can't wait for Greg to meet Roxanne's cousin and her family. She is just great. And having him there while we go to Rox's grave will be wonderful, to have someone to lean on and be supportive. And I can't wait to introduce Carter to Granny and Grampy Thorne. I hope he brings much, much joy to them the few days we are there, as much joy and blessing he brings to us.
Yes, I know it will be a good trip. I am feeling better already!