Apprehension

I have been feeling quite apprehensive about quitting work and being home, all day, with Carter. I love my son deeply, obviously. But I am not the stay-at-home type. Sorry, that is just the way it is. I know others feel very strongly about this issue, as they should. But I believe we all have the right to follow where the Lord leads us.

For some of us, it is home with children and others its working while having children. I am not a sappy person, in general. That goes with being a burned out social worker. I have just seen too much. I cringe (and I hope that this does not offend anyone), but I cringe when I listen to Focus on the Family and all these sweet sounding women come on and talk about being at home or whatever ministry they are involved in. They sound so sickeningly sweet it drives me crazy.

For those who do not know me well, I am somewhat opinionated. I feel very strongly about women's rights, even in the church. Don't get me started on that. Anyway, if I feel very passionately about something I will debate you until there is no debating left. Usually, this is on social issues--women, poverty, education, etc. Just ask my dad. We debate quite frequently on several issues.

I feel a woman, a Christian woman or any woman, in this day and age has the God-given right to choose what she does for a living and as a mom. I feel very strongly about this. You can give me this report or that report and I will tell you, you can make research tell you anything you want. For some women, there is no other thing that they would love to do more than to stay home and educate their children from day one. For others, the thought of staying at home makes them cringe and they honestly feel they are better moms for working. I wholeheartedly agree, with whichever route you take!

The point is, it is a choice, and a choice we should all have the privilege to have. I respect your decision to stay home, you respect my decision to work. There, see, its easy.

That being said. I did not want to be a stay at home mom. Not because I do not love my child deeply, but because I have little patience and a low tolerance for coping in stressful situations. There, I said it! I admit it. The last time I stayed at home (pre-child) I became depressed. Not clinically, but just very unhappy. Now with Carter, I can understand I will be very busy. But I am not very domesticated (ask my husband). There are some that will probably disagree with me there. Yes, I like to cook and bake, but that is about it.

But the Lord has called me to stay at home (although I have other projects that will keep my mind stimulated). I totally resisted this. I can find the good and the bad that goes along with being at home with my child. On the good side, I am the one taking care of him. Also, I can teach him, stimulate his mind, play with him and create a strong bond. On the bad side, I will grow impatient with him, sigh and wish I were somewhere else. I will raise my voice to him when I shouldn't. I will damage him in some way. But most of all, my fear is that I will be unhappy and miserable. I am being very transparent here. These are my fears, not reality.

But fear is not from the Lord. And I know He wants to grow me and show me that I can overcome such fears. And He has many plans to show me that I am going to be a really good mother, and that I won't lose patience (most of the time) :-), and that He will increase my patience and He will be my encourager, and He will show me how He can make my life new by following Him.

My husband asked me last night, without knowing I had been contemplating all these things, if I had thought of all the fun things I was going to do with Carter when I was home with him. I scoffed at him and told him honestly how I had been feeling. He said he could see patience being a big issue. I completely agree.

I told him I would be doing a lot of praying!!! And I will.